The title explains the purpose for this post. I might be ranting. Sometimes I just need to rant. Still, the best thing I can do is continue loving my family because God loves them.
A lot of problems I notice within my family tends to come from my mom's love for gossiping and for thinking she knows everything. At least, that's how I feel sometimes. It is hard when she feels like her reputation is based on how family life is. I can't really blame her for that because that's what Asian culture is supposed to be like. Still, I feel hurt when she judges me or gossips what she thinks is true about me but isn't. It just brings more trouble for me, and my relatives start to judge me.
By writing this, I guess I am also gossiping in a way...so I'm only going to talk about how it affects me. Ergo I won't be talking about what she says about others because I do not know the full story on others' parts.
My mom claims to know me very well just because she's my mom. There's so much she refuses to being wrong about. For example, she claims I only call her when it's about money. That is not true. I call about other stuff...like asking about plans during break so I can plan them out. She then makes me feel guilty by saying I only call when I need money even when that is not the purpose of me calling. She also claims that I don't eat vegetables. Her "proof" is that when I'm at home, I have dry lips and I grow acne. She then says that's also why I'm not in good physical shape. Truth: I do eat vegetables, and I have been eating a lot more in college since it does not go bad as quickly as meat. Ergo, I don't think the lack of vegetables would be cause for dry lips. She then complains about all my imperfections and talks about how I'll never get married because of my lifestyle. Every time she talks like this, I'm hurt.
There is also this stigma that since I'm the Christian in the family, I have to be "perfect". That supposedly means I refuse to drink alcohol ever, that I can't watch films for older audiences, that I supposedly would faint if I ever met a gay person etc. The last two seem to be more prominent when I'm around my relatives from Taiwan. They ask if I can't add alcohol to the soup they were cooking for lunch today, and they assumed I do not want to watch the Hangover Part II because I'm a Christian. I'm fine with using alcohol as an ingredient in food, and I'm sure I will drink wine when I know I won't have to drive and there is occasion to drink. And being a Christian has nothing to do with whether I want to watch the Hangover Part II or not...I don't because that's just not my type of humor and I know plenty of Christians who would love to watch that kind of movie. As for meeting gay people...I go to UCSB, a pretty liberal school with plenty of LGBT people. I've met some and I'm friends with some (although I'm not that close to them). I'm fine when I'm around them and I do not fear them. I love them as people, and I'm fine with hanging out with them and talking to them. I don't see why there's this stigma about me when they apparently do not know me as well as they should.
Continuing to love on family is hard. The only way I know to love on them is to be respectful to them, to be available when they need me. At the same time, it fuels their assumption that I'm a "good boy", and they will ask me ignorant questions or continue to make assumptions about me. My relatives only hear about me through my mom, so usually what they think of me aligns with what my mom thinks she knows about me. I can only continue to love them and attempt not to get outwardly frustrated.
Still...it is Christmas today. I dropped my parents and younger brother at the airport today because they are going to Arizona for a tennis tournament. Meanwhile I am staying home with relatives from Taiwan to take care of cousins. I missed church to take family to the airport, but that's just how I'm attempting to show I care about family. My mom still thinks I don't care about family and assumes that I will be happily doing whatever I want while they are gone. It is hard being back home.
God placed me here for a reason. I am thankful that I have life in Jesus, that I'm alive in the first place. I guess I cannot learn to appreciate things unless I go through struggles. My struggle is to love my family even as they continue to make assumptions about me. I do not know how to "make" them see past their misconceptions. It is something they must learn themselves. I pray that God can move them in that direction.
Happy birthday to Jesus. And thank you for everything you put into my life. For all the people, family and friends, who love me. I'm thankful for the Santa Barbara friends who cared enough to hang out on my birthday as well. You know who you are. And if you are wondering if I got anything from my family for my birthday: not exactly. I'm thankful they are paying for college though, and my mom tells me that her and my dad's gift to me for both my birthday and Christmas is supporting me in college. Ergo, nothing tangible and superficial, just the experiences I have in college. So the gift isn't specific for the holiday season or my birthday. It's their gift as parents who want me to have better opportunities in the future, no matter how disappointed my mom is at my lack of direction. And writing this helps me feel somewhat less jealous that my brother got an Xbox 360 with MW3 for Christmas. :P
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011*
*Title is like that because it will be hard to come up with unique titles every Thanksgiving.
With that said, I pretty much forgot to post on the actual day because I also had a 10 page paper in mind, summaries for all my readings, and possibly write a support letter for next Epic Conference...and I should stop going on a tangent at the very beginning of the post.
I'm a very selfish person. It's not that I don't care about others, which I really do care for others, but the context is more like I have high expectations and many desires. For example, I want every Thanksgiving to be spent with family and relatives. Of course, that only happens once every two years because my little brother has tennis tournaments in LA every other year. Ergo, I missed my family's Thanksgiving dinner this year because they decided to have it before going down to LA, and I was in Santa Barbara when they had the dinner. How do I react? By complaining or telling people I'm probably going to Denny's for Thanksgiving dinner. That's definitely not the right way for me to react to the situation, and I probably end up sounding like I want attention or desire sympathy. The funny thing is, I've had this mindset about Thanksgiving since high school, and it is the opposite of what Thanksgiving is actually about. What's also funny is I didn't think about it in this context until this year, my third year in college.
Instead of trying to expect a "perfect" Thanksgiving of having dinner with family and relatives, I need to have the mindset that this day is a reminder that we need to give thanks to God for all that we have. I'm lucky to even get dinner at Coco's on Thanksgiving Day with two of my cousins. I've had more of a "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday, with some of my IVC family. I'm blessed to know all these wonderful people. I definitely should have been more grateful about Robbie inviting me in the first place.
I definitely need to give up my high expectations and be happy with all that I already have. Instead of telling people I don't get presents from my family on my birthday or Christmas, I need to appreciate that I still even have a family. I'm thankful that I can spend time with family no matter how much I feel hurt by them sometimes. I'm thankful for my family in Christ and how supportive they have been to me. This does not just include IVC or Cru or AGO/ADX, but people in other groups as well who I might not be as involved with. This year I haven't been as involved with my Epic Ohana because of schedule conflicts, but that doesn't mean I don't love them anymore. I'm also thankful for my friends who are in AACF, knowing at least four people from my hall first year that are involved. Everyone has been inviting and open, and I wish I can do the same. I wish I can be more open when I actually talk to people.
Sometimes I wish I could give more than to just receive. I just don't know what I can give...I don't know what I can do for people.
And yet I have to remind myself that there is freedom in Jesus. I shouldn't be hard on myself all the time. I am most thankful for God, for all that he has done. He is the reason I have things to be thankful about.
I'm also thankful for the invisible readers out there. When I say invisible, it is because I don't know who actually reads this.
I'm blessed to have so much in my life. I really need to stop complaining about my "problems" that aren't really big.
Thanks for reading all of this.
Until next time,
Kenneth
With that said, I pretty much forgot to post on the actual day because I also had a 10 page paper in mind, summaries for all my readings, and possibly write a support letter for next Epic Conference...and I should stop going on a tangent at the very beginning of the post.
I'm a very selfish person. It's not that I don't care about others, which I really do care for others, but the context is more like I have high expectations and many desires. For example, I want every Thanksgiving to be spent with family and relatives. Of course, that only happens once every two years because my little brother has tennis tournaments in LA every other year. Ergo, I missed my family's Thanksgiving dinner this year because they decided to have it before going down to LA, and I was in Santa Barbara when they had the dinner. How do I react? By complaining or telling people I'm probably going to Denny's for Thanksgiving dinner. That's definitely not the right way for me to react to the situation, and I probably end up sounding like I want attention or desire sympathy. The funny thing is, I've had this mindset about Thanksgiving since high school, and it is the opposite of what Thanksgiving is actually about. What's also funny is I didn't think about it in this context until this year, my third year in college.
Instead of trying to expect a "perfect" Thanksgiving of having dinner with family and relatives, I need to have the mindset that this day is a reminder that we need to give thanks to God for all that we have. I'm lucky to even get dinner at Coco's on Thanksgiving Day with two of my cousins. I've had more of a "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday, with some of my IVC family. I'm blessed to know all these wonderful people. I definitely should have been more grateful about Robbie inviting me in the first place.
I definitely need to give up my high expectations and be happy with all that I already have. Instead of telling people I don't get presents from my family on my birthday or Christmas, I need to appreciate that I still even have a family. I'm thankful that I can spend time with family no matter how much I feel hurt by them sometimes. I'm thankful for my family in Christ and how supportive they have been to me. This does not just include IVC or Cru or AGO/ADX, but people in other groups as well who I might not be as involved with. This year I haven't been as involved with my Epic Ohana because of schedule conflicts, but that doesn't mean I don't love them anymore. I'm also thankful for my friends who are in AACF, knowing at least four people from my hall first year that are involved. Everyone has been inviting and open, and I wish I can do the same. I wish I can be more open when I actually talk to people.
Sometimes I wish I could give more than to just receive. I just don't know what I can give...I don't know what I can do for people.
And yet I have to remind myself that there is freedom in Jesus. I shouldn't be hard on myself all the time. I am most thankful for God, for all that he has done. He is the reason I have things to be thankful about.
I'm also thankful for the invisible readers out there. When I say invisible, it is because I don't know who actually reads this.
I'm blessed to have so much in my life. I really need to stop complaining about my "problems" that aren't really big.
Thanks for reading all of this.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Home...
Home...
What do you think about when you think of home? Where are you referring to when you say "I'm going home"?
I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music, and it's only the beginning of November. Listening to Christmas music reminds me of being back in the Bay, back in high school when I would listen to Christmas music on the radio while I drive. I remember all the things I look forward to during Christmas. Christmas chapel in my high school was fun, especially when it comes to the Christmas music during worship. I loved the skits that are performed in Christmas chapel. I loved having Christmas parties in my classes, club meetings, church/youth group, etc. The festive mood usually made me happy. And as of my senior year of high school, I also looked forward to seeing Matt Phipp's light show; of hanging out with friends when I am back from college. Seeing familiar faces is refreshing. Seeing how people I haven't seen in a while is great since I get to catch up with them. There's a lot of nostalgia. Yet, for the last two years, I only get to be home for three weeks. It will be four this year because of New Years being on Monday.
It's funny how listening to Christmas music can induce this feeling. Yet while I'm here in Santa Barbara, I'm mostly focused on what goes on here. When I go on facebook, I usually focus on what's going on in Santa Barbara instead of with the people I know from back home. I notice I am mostly focused on what is around me. I even call the Plex home. I look forward to watching Christmas movies and all the other Christmas festivities that happen here before I go back to Dublin.
Does this mean I have two homes? Quite possibly. I sometimes feel I do not spend enough time back home, yet when I am back home I wish I could be back in Santa Barbara. Actually, now that I think about it, I will only be in Santa Barbara for a year and two thirds left...unless I get a job around the area. It is pretty crazy to think about that. Once I graduate, everyone is going to be spread out. Even many of the people I knew back home would be spread out after I graduate. The younger friends will be in college, and the older people will live their own lives. At least I will still have my family back home. Meanwhile, I have no idea where God is leading me after college. Will I be going to graduate school or getting a job? Will He lead me somewhere completely different? No matter where I end up, I will consider that "home". If I end up somewhere that is not the Bay Area or Santa Barbara, I will have a third "home".
Wherever I end up, it will become home. Wherever I move, there will be many changes: different people, different locations, different schedules or ways I will be occupying my time. What will stay the same? Jesus.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Even if I end up going to a different church with new faces, Jesus is the same. I may continue to reminisce the past or focus on what is around me, but I do not have to worry about God leaving me. Wherever I end up and call "home", I need to trust that He is consistent and that he knows what is best. After all, life isn't about me. It's about Him, and He is omniscient.
As I end this post, I hope that the ending does not sound too forced or anything like that.
Until next time,
Kenneth
What do you think about when you think of home? Where are you referring to when you say "I'm going home"?
I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music, and it's only the beginning of November. Listening to Christmas music reminds me of being back in the Bay, back in high school when I would listen to Christmas music on the radio while I drive. I remember all the things I look forward to during Christmas. Christmas chapel in my high school was fun, especially when it comes to the Christmas music during worship. I loved the skits that are performed in Christmas chapel. I loved having Christmas parties in my classes, club meetings, church/youth group, etc. The festive mood usually made me happy. And as of my senior year of high school, I also looked forward to seeing Matt Phipp's light show; of hanging out with friends when I am back from college. Seeing familiar faces is refreshing. Seeing how people I haven't seen in a while is great since I get to catch up with them. There's a lot of nostalgia. Yet, for the last two years, I only get to be home for three weeks. It will be four this year because of New Years being on Monday.
It's funny how listening to Christmas music can induce this feeling. Yet while I'm here in Santa Barbara, I'm mostly focused on what goes on here. When I go on facebook, I usually focus on what's going on in Santa Barbara instead of with the people I know from back home. I notice I am mostly focused on what is around me. I even call the Plex home. I look forward to watching Christmas movies and all the other Christmas festivities that happen here before I go back to Dublin.
Does this mean I have two homes? Quite possibly. I sometimes feel I do not spend enough time back home, yet when I am back home I wish I could be back in Santa Barbara. Actually, now that I think about it, I will only be in Santa Barbara for a year and two thirds left...unless I get a job around the area. It is pretty crazy to think about that. Once I graduate, everyone is going to be spread out. Even many of the people I knew back home would be spread out after I graduate. The younger friends will be in college, and the older people will live their own lives. At least I will still have my family back home. Meanwhile, I have no idea where God is leading me after college. Will I be going to graduate school or getting a job? Will He lead me somewhere completely different? No matter where I end up, I will consider that "home". If I end up somewhere that is not the Bay Area or Santa Barbara, I will have a third "home".
Wherever I end up, it will become home. Wherever I move, there will be many changes: different people, different locations, different schedules or ways I will be occupying my time. What will stay the same? Jesus.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Even if I end up going to a different church with new faces, Jesus is the same. I may continue to reminisce the past or focus on what is around me, but I do not have to worry about God leaving me. Wherever I end up and call "home", I need to trust that He is consistent and that he knows what is best. After all, life isn't about me. It's about Him, and He is omniscient.
As I end this post, I hope that the ending does not sound too forced or anything like that.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Time is what I need...
Time...I wish I had more of it...
I sometimes wish I had the power to split myself so there are copies of me that can each do different things at once...
That would definitely save a lot of time.
It seems like my time is spread thin. When I have "free time", I end up spending it all on trying to finish my reading for my classes. My time is basically spent on classes, reading, being involved with different ministries, and maybe some sleep time which sometimes doesn't cover the eight hours I need.
Have you heard of the idea that in college you can only have two of three things: either school, social life, or sleep? I don't know how I'm balancing all that. Sometimes I wish I could just use free time to have some quiet time, read the word of God, spend time in prayer, etc. I guess I could just skip some of my social life for it...
Still, even with a pretty good social life, I definitely haven't had time to spend one-on-one time with friends. I sometimes wish I could even do that and talk about certain things. It's hard to schedule something like that when I have a pretty full schedule. I would have to find something to skip.
Last week Chloe asked me how I'm able to finish all my work and still show up to everything. To be honest, I don't know how I manage to do that. Showing up to "everything" is definitely an overstatement. I've had to miss out on plans because other plans take place at the same time, I have reading to do, or I am just plain tired.
I guess one reason I am intrigued with Naruto besides the plot is the fact that he can make Shadow Clones. The clones can each act on their own, and when he recalls them he gains all their memories. This allows him to learn at a much faster rate and allows him to multitask. I would sometimes imagine being able to do that. If I could do that, I would probably have four different clones reading for each of my classes while I do whatever else I need to do.
It is probably time to figure out how to take a Sabbath. I need the rest. I don't know how to rest without being lazy, but I will figure it out...This mindless wandering is really an excuse to post something new and rant. It also allows people to see how I think sometimes.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I sometimes wish I had the power to split myself so there are copies of me that can each do different things at once...
That would definitely save a lot of time.
It seems like my time is spread thin. When I have "free time", I end up spending it all on trying to finish my reading for my classes. My time is basically spent on classes, reading, being involved with different ministries, and maybe some sleep time which sometimes doesn't cover the eight hours I need.
Have you heard of the idea that in college you can only have two of three things: either school, social life, or sleep? I don't know how I'm balancing all that. Sometimes I wish I could just use free time to have some quiet time, read the word of God, spend time in prayer, etc. I guess I could just skip some of my social life for it...
Still, even with a pretty good social life, I definitely haven't had time to spend one-on-one time with friends. I sometimes wish I could even do that and talk about certain things. It's hard to schedule something like that when I have a pretty full schedule. I would have to find something to skip.
Last week Chloe asked me how I'm able to finish all my work and still show up to everything. To be honest, I don't know how I manage to do that. Showing up to "everything" is definitely an overstatement. I've had to miss out on plans because other plans take place at the same time, I have reading to do, or I am just plain tired.
I guess one reason I am intrigued with Naruto besides the plot is the fact that he can make Shadow Clones. The clones can each act on their own, and when he recalls them he gains all their memories. This allows him to learn at a much faster rate and allows him to multitask. I would sometimes imagine being able to do that. If I could do that, I would probably have four different clones reading for each of my classes while I do whatever else I need to do.
It is probably time to figure out how to take a Sabbath. I need the rest. I don't know how to rest without being lazy, but I will figure it out...This mindless wandering is really an excuse to post something new and rant. It also allows people to see how I think sometimes.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, September 12, 2011
Recurring Themes in Dreams...
Hello reader,
It has been a while since my last post. To be honest, I haven't really had inspiration or ideas to write about until now. Maybe it's because my relationship with God hasn't been growing too much on my part. Maybe I haven't been relying on Him as much as I should be. That does not mean I have not been doing anything at all. There are still times where I just want to have some alone time with Him. I have been going through things where I know I should be trusting in Him more instead of relying on myself or just not remembering that He provides or that He cares. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and goodness. With that said, it has just been hard for me to write about anything because I'm not really sure what He has been teaching me. I guess I just have not been listening hard enough...
Anyways, moving on to the topic of the title...I've noticed that the dreams I usually remember are the ones where I run around malls/shopping centers/department stores looking for something or trying to run from something.
Just last night I had a dream about going to a Real Life meeting at night. What made the meeting different in my dream is that we were meeting at a department store for some reason. Another interesting thing to note is that there were a few people from my youth group who were there for some reason. Anyways, in my dream I decided to put my backpack and longboard inside by the glass entrance/exit after asking the people working there if it was alright. Later in my dream, Real Life ends and everyone starts to mingle like usual. I remember seeing Michelle in my dream, stating I have not seen her in a while, then giving a side hug before she moves on and talks to other people.
Later, as everyone starts leaving, I decided that I needed to leave as well. I decided to go pick up my belongings, but when I went inside, I could not find them. I asked the people working on the first floor if they have seen them, but they have not. I started running around looking for my backpack, longboard, and anything else I might have put down. While searching for my belongings, I eventually found my stuff along with other people's things lying by a glass door to a balcony on the third floor. I also noticed my previous backpack I've had since 3rd grade to senior year of high school lying there, and I wondered why it was there. I remember giving it away to one of my youth group friends. I decided to put it on and take the rest of my stuff.
As I made my way through the department store, I saw either one of my good friends practicing lines for a production of sorts. I do not remember if it was Jordan from Real Life or Anton from high school/youth group. It would make more sense if it was Anton due to him being in Hollywood now studying to become an actor, but then my dream was about Real Life...with some youth group people. In any case, both of them are people I look up to during a certain stage of my life, and both are a year above me. They remind me of each other in some ways, but I do not know if Jordan is an actor. They both play guitar though...
So after trying to have a conversation with him, he kept on trying to practice his lines. I decided that he might be too busy to talk, and I continued down the stairs. I made my way out of the building and walked towards the street where I parked my car on the side. Then I woke up.
I feel like there is a meaning behind this dream. I am not sure what it is yet, but I should definitely pray about it. It would be nice to hear some thoughts about this too. I just find it strange that the most significant dreams I remember always have something to do with malls or department stores of sorts.
Well it is super late and I should be sleeping.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It has been a while since my last post. To be honest, I haven't really had inspiration or ideas to write about until now. Maybe it's because my relationship with God hasn't been growing too much on my part. Maybe I haven't been relying on Him as much as I should be. That does not mean I have not been doing anything at all. There are still times where I just want to have some alone time with Him. I have been going through things where I know I should be trusting in Him more instead of relying on myself or just not remembering that He provides or that He cares. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and goodness. With that said, it has just been hard for me to write about anything because I'm not really sure what He has been teaching me. I guess I just have not been listening hard enough...
Anyways, moving on to the topic of the title...I've noticed that the dreams I usually remember are the ones where I run around malls/shopping centers/department stores looking for something or trying to run from something.
Just last night I had a dream about going to a Real Life meeting at night. What made the meeting different in my dream is that we were meeting at a department store for some reason. Another interesting thing to note is that there were a few people from my youth group who were there for some reason. Anyways, in my dream I decided to put my backpack and longboard inside by the glass entrance/exit after asking the people working there if it was alright. Later in my dream, Real Life ends and everyone starts to mingle like usual. I remember seeing Michelle in my dream, stating I have not seen her in a while, then giving a side hug before she moves on and talks to other people.
Later, as everyone starts leaving, I decided that I needed to leave as well. I decided to go pick up my belongings, but when I went inside, I could not find them. I asked the people working on the first floor if they have seen them, but they have not. I started running around looking for my backpack, longboard, and anything else I might have put down. While searching for my belongings, I eventually found my stuff along with other people's things lying by a glass door to a balcony on the third floor. I also noticed my previous backpack I've had since 3rd grade to senior year of high school lying there, and I wondered why it was there. I remember giving it away to one of my youth group friends. I decided to put it on and take the rest of my stuff.
As I made my way through the department store, I saw either one of my good friends practicing lines for a production of sorts. I do not remember if it was Jordan from Real Life or Anton from high school/youth group. It would make more sense if it was Anton due to him being in Hollywood now studying to become an actor, but then my dream was about Real Life...with some youth group people. In any case, both of them are people I look up to during a certain stage of my life, and both are a year above me. They remind me of each other in some ways, but I do not know if Jordan is an actor. They both play guitar though...
So after trying to have a conversation with him, he kept on trying to practice his lines. I decided that he might be too busy to talk, and I continued down the stairs. I made my way out of the building and walked towards the street where I parked my car on the side. Then I woke up.
I feel like there is a meaning behind this dream. I am not sure what it is yet, but I should definitely pray about it. It would be nice to hear some thoughts about this too. I just find it strange that the most significant dreams I remember always have something to do with malls or department stores of sorts.
Well it is super late and I should be sleeping.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Azimuth and Peanut
I know the title will seem confusing to most if not all of you. After all, what would a word for an angular measurement have anything to do with a legume? In the context of this blog post, they have completely different meanings. It all has to do with a story that happened last week.
Last week, a group consisting of Conner, David, Katie, Marly, and I went on a walk. Apparently this happened because Conner felt that he and David should go on a walk, so they invited us to go with them. While we walked down a sidewalk, they noticed a dog wondering around on its own. They decided to watch over him and play with him. During this time a man with two dogs came over and asked about the dog who still had a leash. He and the others have seen the dog around, but we did not know the owner. The man then gave us advice on how to handle the situation like looking for a name and number, then taking him to foot patrol. Since foot patrol was closed, we would have to take care of him for the night.
As we walked away from the foot patrol station and back to the sidewalk we found the dog at, we heard someone shout "Azzy" with excitement. At that point we realized it was the dog's owner. We watched as she started running as fast as she could, and Azzy started running to her as well, pulling Conner while doing so. It was an amazing sight to see a person reunite with her dog. She thanked us and introduced herself as Peanut. She then introduced the dog as Azzy. If I were to define Peanut in simpler terms I would call her a hippie, but I feel like it could be rude to do so. Even though she thinks of Azzy as more of an equal friend than her as an owner, the most important thing is that two friends are reunited. Azzy wondered off from her friend's house while she went out for a couple hours.
How did I find out Azzy's name was Azimuth? Well, a day or two after the incident I was walking back to AGO where I was staying until my lease starts. As I walked back, I noticed Peanut riding her bike and taking Azzy with her. They were going with some friends to IV Market. It was during this time that Azzy remembered me and followed me into the AGO house. Peanut's friends called her Azimuth and had to take her out of the house. They started apologizing to me, but I was fine with it. I guess Peanut did not recognize me, but at least Azimuth did.
Why is this all important? I was thinking that this parallels our relationship with God in a way. People are like Azzy in that we sometimes wander off on our own, and we get lost when we rely on our own. However, when we return to God, there is reason to be joyous. As Azzy reuniting with Peanut was joyful for them and us who were watching, it is a joyful experience to be reunited with God who created us.
I find the name Azimuth interesting. Although it is an angular measurement in a spherical coordinate system, it comes from the Arabic word for "direction". We all need direction. There's probably a lot more I could say about direction, but I might just save that for a later date.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Last week, a group consisting of Conner, David, Katie, Marly, and I went on a walk. Apparently this happened because Conner felt that he and David should go on a walk, so they invited us to go with them. While we walked down a sidewalk, they noticed a dog wondering around on its own. They decided to watch over him and play with him. During this time a man with two dogs came over and asked about the dog who still had a leash. He and the others have seen the dog around, but we did not know the owner. The man then gave us advice on how to handle the situation like looking for a name and number, then taking him to foot patrol. Since foot patrol was closed, we would have to take care of him for the night.
As we walked away from the foot patrol station and back to the sidewalk we found the dog at, we heard someone shout "Azzy" with excitement. At that point we realized it was the dog's owner. We watched as she started running as fast as she could, and Azzy started running to her as well, pulling Conner while doing so. It was an amazing sight to see a person reunite with her dog. She thanked us and introduced herself as Peanut. She then introduced the dog as Azzy. If I were to define Peanut in simpler terms I would call her a hippie, but I feel like it could be rude to do so. Even though she thinks of Azzy as more of an equal friend than her as an owner, the most important thing is that two friends are reunited. Azzy wondered off from her friend's house while she went out for a couple hours.
How did I find out Azzy's name was Azimuth? Well, a day or two after the incident I was walking back to AGO where I was staying until my lease starts. As I walked back, I noticed Peanut riding her bike and taking Azzy with her. They were going with some friends to IV Market. It was during this time that Azzy remembered me and followed me into the AGO house. Peanut's friends called her Azimuth and had to take her out of the house. They started apologizing to me, but I was fine with it. I guess Peanut did not recognize me, but at least Azimuth did.
Why is this all important? I was thinking that this parallels our relationship with God in a way. People are like Azzy in that we sometimes wander off on our own, and we get lost when we rely on our own. However, when we return to God, there is reason to be joyous. As Azzy reuniting with Peanut was joyful for them and us who were watching, it is a joyful experience to be reunited with God who created us.
I find the name Azimuth interesting. Although it is an angular measurement in a spherical coordinate system, it comes from the Arabic word for "direction". We all need direction. There's probably a lot more I could say about direction, but I might just save that for a later date.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
When Plans Fail...
Planning. It helps you focus and gives you direction. It sets expectations. It helps reach objectives. It requires a lot of control. What happens when a person does not have the control to achieve their visions from their plans?
I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.
I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.
At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.
Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.
This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.
Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.
I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.
I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.
At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.
Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.
This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.
Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.
I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The December 19th Room
Today I cleaned my room...a lot. I packed many things into a couple boxes to bring down to Santa Barbara where I will be living at the Plex. To be honest, I never thought I would be bringing so many things down to SB. The reason I did so was to make space...for when my cousin moves into my room. As I went through all my things, I thought of many things that came and went in my life: people, places, things...and I realize I have experienced so much to come to where I am today.
While rummaging my drawers, I've seen things like a certificate of baptism, a CD with video of my baptism in 9th grade, a letter from 2005 inviting me to become a member of my youth group, and little journals or albums with pictures of when I was in Japan. I even saw a letter from my 6th grade teacher that encouraged me a bit. Thinking back, Japan was not too bad. There were good experiences I have largely forgotten, and I am thankful that the bad experiences have helped me grow as well. It is interesting to think about how God has used all of that to bring me where I am today, and I know that there is still room to grow.
If you are curious about the title, it is because my birthday is on December 19th. The room was built while I was living here in elementary school and even before I lived in Japan. Why did I choose my birthday as the name of the room? Because my cousin who is moving into my room also has the same birthday as me. Ergo, I thought it would be interesting to name it after our birthday. Granted, there have been other people who lived in my room while I was in Japan like the sister of one of my classmates in high school who I have been in school plays with. I did not even know their family rented my house while we were in Japan until I was in the middle of high school and have known them for a while. Even though there have been other occupants who have had different birthdays, I have been the only occupant of this room while my family lived in this house, and soon my cousin with the same person will be the second.
All these random connections I formed in my head...could they all just been coincidence or did God place all these to make me think about how crazy all these connections are? Whatever the case, I still find it interesting how there is so many connections to this room. I wish I was more appreciative of it.
I remember before I moved to Japan, I did not like this room. I would sleep in my older brother's room because I did not like sleeping alone and hated how there were spider webs hanging on the corner of the ceiling above my bed. When I moved to Japan, I learned how to sleep alone in my own room, and I grew to love having my own room. After coming back from Japan, I could sleep in my own room and not go to my brother's room like I used to.
On the shelf are trophies from when I was much younger. They come from little league baseball or from Chinese school. There's at least one plaque from cross country and my high school diploma. There are also photo albums, a whole bunch of CDs from when I was younger, and other memorabilia. Now looking into the closet, it seems empty apart from a humidifier and my clothes for tomorrow before going back to Santa Barbara. The nun-chucks that mysteriously appeared in my closet has been taken by my mom to be donated. The keyboard that used to be by my balcony door has been packed into my car, and the TV that was supposed to be handed down to me from my parents' room is now being donated since I have no need for it in college. All the packaging for GBA games that used to be in one of my drawers are packed as well, and I'm leaving behind furniture, a lamp, desk lamp, a desktop computer, printer, and a radio that may or may not be donated in the future. Next to me is a Pikachu clock I plan on bringing to SB. There are other junk I really do not feel like describing.
Why am I writing all this? I just feel like reminiscing, and describing what my room is like now just helps me think about how rarely I use it now that I'm in Santa Barbara for school. While it is likely I'll be returning after I graduate, I do not know for sure. I am unsure about many things. With many of my things packed, I feel like I am moving ahead while still carrying some things from the past to remember. Although I know I should not linger on the past and focus on the future, I cannot help but think that maybe keeping some things from the past will help me remember what I have learned in the twenty years of my life. I cannot wait to see where God leads me in this next stage of my life that I have only been getting used to this past two years. Although I am worried about many things like my parents' views of the Church, I can only trust that God will lead me through it all. After all, Jesus did tell us to give up everything if we wanted to follow Him. I pray that this summer in Santa Barbara, God will help me grow even more.
Until next time,
Kenneth
While rummaging my drawers, I've seen things like a certificate of baptism, a CD with video of my baptism in 9th grade, a letter from 2005 inviting me to become a member of my youth group, and little journals or albums with pictures of when I was in Japan. I even saw a letter from my 6th grade teacher that encouraged me a bit. Thinking back, Japan was not too bad. There were good experiences I have largely forgotten, and I am thankful that the bad experiences have helped me grow as well. It is interesting to think about how God has used all of that to bring me where I am today, and I know that there is still room to grow.
If you are curious about the title, it is because my birthday is on December 19th. The room was built while I was living here in elementary school and even before I lived in Japan. Why did I choose my birthday as the name of the room? Because my cousin who is moving into my room also has the same birthday as me. Ergo, I thought it would be interesting to name it after our birthday. Granted, there have been other people who lived in my room while I was in Japan like the sister of one of my classmates in high school who I have been in school plays with. I did not even know their family rented my house while we were in Japan until I was in the middle of high school and have known them for a while. Even though there have been other occupants who have had different birthdays, I have been the only occupant of this room while my family lived in this house, and soon my cousin with the same person will be the second.
All these random connections I formed in my head...could they all just been coincidence or did God place all these to make me think about how crazy all these connections are? Whatever the case, I still find it interesting how there is so many connections to this room. I wish I was more appreciative of it.
I remember before I moved to Japan, I did not like this room. I would sleep in my older brother's room because I did not like sleeping alone and hated how there were spider webs hanging on the corner of the ceiling above my bed. When I moved to Japan, I learned how to sleep alone in my own room, and I grew to love having my own room. After coming back from Japan, I could sleep in my own room and not go to my brother's room like I used to.
On the shelf are trophies from when I was much younger. They come from little league baseball or from Chinese school. There's at least one plaque from cross country and my high school diploma. There are also photo albums, a whole bunch of CDs from when I was younger, and other memorabilia. Now looking into the closet, it seems empty apart from a humidifier and my clothes for tomorrow before going back to Santa Barbara. The nun-chucks that mysteriously appeared in my closet has been taken by my mom to be donated. The keyboard that used to be by my balcony door has been packed into my car, and the TV that was supposed to be handed down to me from my parents' room is now being donated since I have no need for it in college. All the packaging for GBA games that used to be in one of my drawers are packed as well, and I'm leaving behind furniture, a lamp, desk lamp, a desktop computer, printer, and a radio that may or may not be donated in the future. Next to me is a Pikachu clock I plan on bringing to SB. There are other junk I really do not feel like describing.
Why am I writing all this? I just feel like reminiscing, and describing what my room is like now just helps me think about how rarely I use it now that I'm in Santa Barbara for school. While it is likely I'll be returning after I graduate, I do not know for sure. I am unsure about many things. With many of my things packed, I feel like I am moving ahead while still carrying some things from the past to remember. Although I know I should not linger on the past and focus on the future, I cannot help but think that maybe keeping some things from the past will help me remember what I have learned in the twenty years of my life. I cannot wait to see where God leads me in this next stage of my life that I have only been getting used to this past two years. Although I am worried about many things like my parents' views of the Church, I can only trust that God will lead me through it all. After all, Jesus did tell us to give up everything if we wanted to follow Him. I pray that this summer in Santa Barbara, God will help me grow even more.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Imperfect...and a rant?
I am imperfect. That is a fact I have accepted.
As a human being, I can't be perfect in everything. I used to aim at being perfect in school because that was where I got the most praise from my parents. My parents used to tell me how good I was in math, so I thought of myself as a math person. In junior high and high school, I almost had straight A's. The only classes I got B's (and one C+) were in honors or AP classes. However, entering into college changed how I view myself in regards to school. It used to be that I didn't have to try too hard to succeed. Now as hard as I try, I usually end up with B's, or if it were for my major classes in Pre-econ or Pre-comm, I would get C's. I cannot seem to do well enough to get into the majors that are more practical, ones that my parents would be fine with me doing.
Growing up, I was always compared with my brothers. My mom wanted us to be "perfect" kids. She would tell my brothers that they needed to be more like me when it came to school, and she would complain about my random habits or inability to be attractive in one way or another in comparison to my brothers. Growing up, I was told I was too fat and that I need to lose weight or somehow give some of it to my brothers who were "too skinny". Now that I have changed my eating habits and lost enough weight for my mom to tell me that I'm "not fat anymore", I still have that mentality that I'm still too fat. Just recently, I've been losing a lot of hair on the back of my head that it has become thin. Meanwhile, the front of my head is pretty abundant with hair. My mom complained about it to the barber cutting my hair, and my mom then blames it on the fact that I don't go to sleep early enough. Then she finds out it was most likely from the way I manage my hair by the way I comb and because I use two in one shampoo/conditioner. She then complains that I never listen to her, which she has never told me not to use two in ones for my hair.
Recently, it feels like my parents will complain about my grades, my looks, or my characteristics, then they will blame Church for it all. They feel that I spend all my time at Church activities and not enough time studying. My mom blames "stress from going to Church too much" for my loss of hair. It feels like every time they complain about me in something, they will link it to Church in some way. They feel like my lack of stability in where I'm going after college on going to too much Church and not enough focusing on the future.
From what I learned in my communications class last quarter, we should not be making causal statements when we have not even thought of other variables that could have an effect. With that thought, I would like to tell my parents that not everything I do is a Church activity. Real Life technically is not a "Church". I mean, it is a church in the sense that it's the body of Christ, but it's not a building that people get together on Sundays for sermons. It's an organization on campus that is a ministry to reach out to college students who don't know Christ. Even if I were to count that as Church, there are plenty of activities I participate in that is not run by a Church or a ministry of sorts. It just happens that a lot of things I go to involve friends who happen to be Christians.
First, I have also gone to things run by the school or even departments of studies. Secondly, just because a lot of my pictures on Facebook seem to be involving activities related to fellowship with other Christians, it does not mean I do not study. I do all my reading, I spend time studying, and I have skipped things because of my need to study or to write a paper. Although it does not seem like it, I do make time to study, and there is no reason for me to take pictures of myself studying or to show off to other people that I am. Third, it might be other distractions like the Internet. Although people tend to point out Facebook, I do spend a lot more time browsing forums reading random topics or searching random things on Wikipedia and Google. Even so, when I know I have to study, I am actually able to focus on studying for a long period of time even if it seems that I'm on Facebook based on the chat list showing I'm online. Also, although I did well up until high school, college is different in many ways. In high school, we had many quizzes, tests, and plenty of homework to do well in, and each thing covered little bits of information. In college, we are basically graded on our midterms, papers, and finals with maybe 5% on participation. There is a much higher expectation on how college papers are graded, and the tests cover a lot more than what each test in high school did. Also, college tests are based more on understanding concepts than memorizing information. Ergo, it's harder for me to retain information for college tests. Finally, maybe I'm not doing well in my major because I'm actually not good at understanding them or am not really interested in pursuing them compared to many of the people trying to get into the same majors. Sorry for this large rant...
I also wish my parents would understand that I don't go to Church because I have to. On the contrary, I don't actually have to attend Church to be a Christian. I do it because I want to, not because of an obligation or because I was baptized in 9th grade (FYI, my mom thinks people who are baptized have to go to Church). Although my mom finds it pointless and not beneficial, I feel the opposite. She sees benefits for oneself in practicality while I see it more as an issue of the heart or mind.
I feel like I can never reach my mom's ideal of a perfect son. Actually, I KNOW I can never reach her ideal of a perfect son. And I know I'm probably not going to succeed in the business world like my dad wants me to. I am not perfect in the way my parents view as perfection, and I know I cannot become exactly how they view a perfect son. However, I should be content to know that Jesus loves me just the way I am, with all my imperfections. No matter what I do, He is not going to love me any more or less. Jesus sees us as perfect the way we are. I need to stop pursuing acceptance from my parents' standards and be content knowing that I already have Jesus' acceptance.
Sorry for the rant. It just happens that I feel like writing when I have things bothering me in my mind. One day, I will write something without it being a rant...
Until next time,
Kenneth
As a human being, I can't be perfect in everything. I used to aim at being perfect in school because that was where I got the most praise from my parents. My parents used to tell me how good I was in math, so I thought of myself as a math person. In junior high and high school, I almost had straight A's. The only classes I got B's (and one C+) were in honors or AP classes. However, entering into college changed how I view myself in regards to school. It used to be that I didn't have to try too hard to succeed. Now as hard as I try, I usually end up with B's, or if it were for my major classes in Pre-econ or Pre-comm, I would get C's. I cannot seem to do well enough to get into the majors that are more practical, ones that my parents would be fine with me doing.
Growing up, I was always compared with my brothers. My mom wanted us to be "perfect" kids. She would tell my brothers that they needed to be more like me when it came to school, and she would complain about my random habits or inability to be attractive in one way or another in comparison to my brothers. Growing up, I was told I was too fat and that I need to lose weight or somehow give some of it to my brothers who were "too skinny". Now that I have changed my eating habits and lost enough weight for my mom to tell me that I'm "not fat anymore", I still have that mentality that I'm still too fat. Just recently, I've been losing a lot of hair on the back of my head that it has become thin. Meanwhile, the front of my head is pretty abundant with hair. My mom complained about it to the barber cutting my hair, and my mom then blames it on the fact that I don't go to sleep early enough. Then she finds out it was most likely from the way I manage my hair by the way I comb and because I use two in one shampoo/conditioner. She then complains that I never listen to her, which she has never told me not to use two in ones for my hair.
Recently, it feels like my parents will complain about my grades, my looks, or my characteristics, then they will blame Church for it all. They feel that I spend all my time at Church activities and not enough time studying. My mom blames "stress from going to Church too much" for my loss of hair. It feels like every time they complain about me in something, they will link it to Church in some way. They feel like my lack of stability in where I'm going after college on going to too much Church and not enough focusing on the future.
From what I learned in my communications class last quarter, we should not be making causal statements when we have not even thought of other variables that could have an effect. With that thought, I would like to tell my parents that not everything I do is a Church activity. Real Life technically is not a "Church". I mean, it is a church in the sense that it's the body of Christ, but it's not a building that people get together on Sundays for sermons. It's an organization on campus that is a ministry to reach out to college students who don't know Christ. Even if I were to count that as Church, there are plenty of activities I participate in that is not run by a Church or a ministry of sorts. It just happens that a lot of things I go to involve friends who happen to be Christians.
First, I have also gone to things run by the school or even departments of studies. Secondly, just because a lot of my pictures on Facebook seem to be involving activities related to fellowship with other Christians, it does not mean I do not study. I do all my reading, I spend time studying, and I have skipped things because of my need to study or to write a paper. Although it does not seem like it, I do make time to study, and there is no reason for me to take pictures of myself studying or to show off to other people that I am. Third, it might be other distractions like the Internet. Although people tend to point out Facebook, I do spend a lot more time browsing forums reading random topics or searching random things on Wikipedia and Google. Even so, when I know I have to study, I am actually able to focus on studying for a long period of time even if it seems that I'm on Facebook based on the chat list showing I'm online. Also, although I did well up until high school, college is different in many ways. In high school, we had many quizzes, tests, and plenty of homework to do well in, and each thing covered little bits of information. In college, we are basically graded on our midterms, papers, and finals with maybe 5% on participation. There is a much higher expectation on how college papers are graded, and the tests cover a lot more than what each test in high school did. Also, college tests are based more on understanding concepts than memorizing information. Ergo, it's harder for me to retain information for college tests. Finally, maybe I'm not doing well in my major because I'm actually not good at understanding them or am not really interested in pursuing them compared to many of the people trying to get into the same majors. Sorry for this large rant...
I also wish my parents would understand that I don't go to Church because I have to. On the contrary, I don't actually have to attend Church to be a Christian. I do it because I want to, not because of an obligation or because I was baptized in 9th grade (FYI, my mom thinks people who are baptized have to go to Church). Although my mom finds it pointless and not beneficial, I feel the opposite. She sees benefits for oneself in practicality while I see it more as an issue of the heart or mind.
I feel like I can never reach my mom's ideal of a perfect son. Actually, I KNOW I can never reach her ideal of a perfect son. And I know I'm probably not going to succeed in the business world like my dad wants me to. I am not perfect in the way my parents view as perfection, and I know I cannot become exactly how they view a perfect son. However, I should be content to know that Jesus loves me just the way I am, with all my imperfections. No matter what I do, He is not going to love me any more or less. Jesus sees us as perfect the way we are. I need to stop pursuing acceptance from my parents' standards and be content knowing that I already have Jesus' acceptance.
Sorry for the rant. It just happens that I feel like writing when I have things bothering me in my mind. One day, I will write something without it being a rant...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Self-Criticism...
I don't read the Bible often enough. I lack any motivation or any plan. Sometimes I act out of selfishness. Sometimes I envy things, and sometimes I'm jealous. I wish my body was in better shape. I wish I was better at _____. Sometimes I can be narcissistic. I'm an attention seeker. I criticize myself or my thoughts. Those are probably only a tiny fraction of my flaws.
I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.
I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.
In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.
I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.
In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Where are my priorities?
What am I doing here? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't do better? Why do I make myself so busy that I fall asleep at places I shouldn't sleep at? What exactly am I trying to prove?
These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.
Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?
I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.
Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.
It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.
Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.
The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...
I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?
I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.
Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?
I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.
Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.
It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.
Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.
The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...
I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?
I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Friday, March 18, 2011
Scheduling and Accountability
It's been a while since I last posted anything. I haven't really felt like I needed to write anything for many reasons. One being stress over changing majors and having a busy quarter catching up on reading. Another reason would be because I feel like my heart hasn't been in the right place. I haven't been actively building my relationship with Jesus like I was months ago. Instead of trusting Him in all I do, I had been relying on myself to do all the things I needed to get done. I guess that's why I have not been posting here.
Sure, I have been active in participating in a whole bunch of ministries. However, I've been asking myself if I had been doing it for the right reasons. I definitely need to get back into the habit of having quiet time again. Still, I find myself distracted by homework, by searching random stuff on the Internet, and trying to find time to hang out with people. The last two reasons are not very good reasons to be distracted. I think I need an accountability partner, and I definitely need to schedule my time better.
Last week, I met with John Hannon, my discipler. We basically spent the time organizing my schedule. He taught me how to use Google Calendar. It helped me realize how busy my schedule was, and I basically assigned all the free time I have to studying. My plan with free time had always been to use it all on studying until I'm done with all my reading and homework. Then for the rest of the time I would hang out. That is not a very good plan on my part. I need to actually schedule Jesus time in some of my free time. However, when I did schedule Jesus time after my 8AM, I ended up doing something else. I have also been falling asleep everywhere. I definitely need more self-control...
Last week I received a bid to pledge Alpha Gamma Omega again. For those of you who don't know it, it is a Christian fraternity. I definitely would like to join it, but it takes a lot of time commitment which is something I don't have much of. There are other reasons for me not joining like not being able to answer some questions, but I was influenced by someone to not join. Later, I talked to Finnegan about why I decided not to join. He told me I shouldn't let other people influence my decision, and he talked about how he feels that people judge AGO as a fraternity without actually knowing what it is like. He also talked about how AGO does a great job at keeping people accountable, which is something I know I need right now. The talk gave me more reasons for why I would want to join. However, I decided that I'm still too busy this quarter. I now wonder if I made the right choice...
I definitely know what I need. Jesus obviously. But I also know that I should schedule my time better, and I need accountability. It's motivating myself that's the hard part. I need to give it all up to Jesus, and trust that He will take care of it. Sorry for my "rant", but that is what I felt like doing right now.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sure, I have been active in participating in a whole bunch of ministries. However, I've been asking myself if I had been doing it for the right reasons. I definitely need to get back into the habit of having quiet time again. Still, I find myself distracted by homework, by searching random stuff on the Internet, and trying to find time to hang out with people. The last two reasons are not very good reasons to be distracted. I think I need an accountability partner, and I definitely need to schedule my time better.
Last week, I met with John Hannon, my discipler. We basically spent the time organizing my schedule. He taught me how to use Google Calendar. It helped me realize how busy my schedule was, and I basically assigned all the free time I have to studying. My plan with free time had always been to use it all on studying until I'm done with all my reading and homework. Then for the rest of the time I would hang out. That is not a very good plan on my part. I need to actually schedule Jesus time in some of my free time. However, when I did schedule Jesus time after my 8AM, I ended up doing something else. I have also been falling asleep everywhere. I definitely need more self-control...
Last week I received a bid to pledge Alpha Gamma Omega again. For those of you who don't know it, it is a Christian fraternity. I definitely would like to join it, but it takes a lot of time commitment which is something I don't have much of. There are other reasons for me not joining like not being able to answer some questions, but I was influenced by someone to not join. Later, I talked to Finnegan about why I decided not to join. He told me I shouldn't let other people influence my decision, and he talked about how he feels that people judge AGO as a fraternity without actually knowing what it is like. He also talked about how AGO does a great job at keeping people accountable, which is something I know I need right now. The talk gave me more reasons for why I would want to join. However, I decided that I'm still too busy this quarter. I now wonder if I made the right choice...
I definitely know what I need. Jesus obviously. But I also know that I should schedule my time better, and I need accountability. It's motivating myself that's the hard part. I need to give it all up to Jesus, and trust that He will take care of it. Sorry for my "rant", but that is what I felt like doing right now.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thoughts on Sophomore Winter Retreat
This weekend, I spent half of it with my fellow sophomores in some cabins at Lake Nacimiento. Can I say it was probably the best retreat I have ever been on? Well, I do say that for a lot of retreats, but I felt like I connected with so many people in just two days and got so much out of it. I felt a lot closer to some of the people, and it was a time where we could enjoy each others presence.
There was no speaker that I would fall asleep listening to like most retreats, and I didn't feel tired during small group discussions. That last part I could attribute to some of the deep questions brought up by the people in my group, and Ian definitely made me think a lot. Quiet time was great too. I went down the stairs outside to the lake where I either took pictures or just prayed.
We definitely did a lot together as a community. As bad as rainy weather seems, I would like to say that it forced everyone to be inside together. It was so much easier to talk to people because no one would wander off in the rain. Playing games like catchphrase, fishbowl, animals, and red rum were fun as well. There was also a competition to prepare food for the opposite gender. During that time, Andrew led us to create a tasty meal of stir fry, and desserts consisted of strawberries, pretzels, and bananas dipped in chocolate. The girls made fajitas, so we could put whatever we wanted in our dinner. They also bought ice cream for us. It was definitely great that we could bless each other by preparing dinner.
What was my favorite part of the trip? I'd have to say the last night we stayed there. We started worship about nine, and it became a time where many people started sharing their testimonies. I felt like I learned so much about some of my fellow classmates during that time. It was great seeing almost everyone in the room crying, including people I never saw cry before. There was also lots of hugging that occurred during the time. It was also encouraging for me to hear how much of the blessing our class and the trip was to some people, especially to those who are not believers but still decided to show up. God totally moved during that time.
Although I have already shared my testimony to some of the people there, I felt God leading me to share it with everyone there. I ended up sharing a shorter version of my short version of my testimony, so I forgot to mention some details. I also decided to mention some things I never really thought about mentioning until last night. As a result of making a last minute decision to do it and wanting to hear others share their testimonies, I felt like I did not share enough. I definitely felt more vulnerable sharing my past with 30 people, but I knew I forgot to talk about so much that I had to have people ask questions. Meredith and Michelle both asked questions, and Michelle reminded me of how much everyone really cared about me. They were both encouraging during that time. I felt even more encouraged and knew that I was supposed to share when Claire and Michelle told me afterward that they felt God wanted me to share my testimony.
This retreat was a time of bonding as a community, and also a time to learn more about God's love for us. God totally moved during the retreat. I'm already excited for the next time we do something like this. Although I've written quite a bit of my thoughts on the retreat, I feel like there's so much more I could write but don't have the energy to. If you were there for my super short version of my testimony, or if you weren't, and you would like to hear more, I would encourage you to ask me to talk more. I'd be glad to meet up with you sometime because I feel like there's so much I could share but didn't have the time to or forgot to mention them.
Anyways, I should be off to bed now...
Until next time,
Kenneth
There was no speaker that I would fall asleep listening to like most retreats, and I didn't feel tired during small group discussions. That last part I could attribute to some of the deep questions brought up by the people in my group, and Ian definitely made me think a lot. Quiet time was great too. I went down the stairs outside to the lake where I either took pictures or just prayed.
We definitely did a lot together as a community. As bad as rainy weather seems, I would like to say that it forced everyone to be inside together. It was so much easier to talk to people because no one would wander off in the rain. Playing games like catchphrase, fishbowl, animals, and red rum were fun as well. There was also a competition to prepare food for the opposite gender. During that time, Andrew led us to create a tasty meal of stir fry, and desserts consisted of strawberries, pretzels, and bananas dipped in chocolate. The girls made fajitas, so we could put whatever we wanted in our dinner. They also bought ice cream for us. It was definitely great that we could bless each other by preparing dinner.
What was my favorite part of the trip? I'd have to say the last night we stayed there. We started worship about nine, and it became a time where many people started sharing their testimonies. I felt like I learned so much about some of my fellow classmates during that time. It was great seeing almost everyone in the room crying, including people I never saw cry before. There was also lots of hugging that occurred during the time. It was also encouraging for me to hear how much of the blessing our class and the trip was to some people, especially to those who are not believers but still decided to show up. God totally moved during that time.
Although I have already shared my testimony to some of the people there, I felt God leading me to share it with everyone there. I ended up sharing a shorter version of my short version of my testimony, so I forgot to mention some details. I also decided to mention some things I never really thought about mentioning until last night. As a result of making a last minute decision to do it and wanting to hear others share their testimonies, I felt like I did not share enough. I definitely felt more vulnerable sharing my past with 30 people, but I knew I forgot to talk about so much that I had to have people ask questions. Meredith and Michelle both asked questions, and Michelle reminded me of how much everyone really cared about me. They were both encouraging during that time. I felt even more encouraged and knew that I was supposed to share when Claire and Michelle told me afterward that they felt God wanted me to share my testimony.
This retreat was a time of bonding as a community, and also a time to learn more about God's love for us. God totally moved during the retreat. I'm already excited for the next time we do something like this. Although I've written quite a bit of my thoughts on the retreat, I feel like there's so much more I could write but don't have the energy to. If you were there for my super short version of my testimony, or if you weren't, and you would like to hear more, I would encourage you to ask me to talk more. I'd be glad to meet up with you sometime because I feel like there's so much I could share but didn't have the time to or forgot to mention them.
Anyways, I should be off to bed now...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Another Post on Dreams...
Dreams can be a very intriguing concept. It's a place where you can have ideas, where stories come to life, where the impossible happen, where your worst nightmares may come to life, and where things may not make any sense. It can also be a place of self discovery. God can also use dreams to talk to us.
Recently I've been starting to type out whatever dreams I may remember and feel have a significant meaning. Instead of buying an actual journal, I just write one in my computer. If I look back at them, I think, "I have some of the most ridiculous dreams." Seriously, they do not make too much sense. Some of them involve people from my high school, some I haven't even seen since graduating. Some of my dreams have elements from video games being in "real life", and some dreams also have children being a big focus.
If I try to remember back a few years, I can think of multiple dreams where I'm running around in an urban setting, going through department stores or malls or hotels either trying to run away from something or searching. What do I run from? What am I looking for? I have no idea. These department stores in settings that remind me of Tokyo seem to come once in a while.
The last one I had with that type of setting was a dream about going to a conference. We were staying at a hotel/department store in a city that reminded me of Tokyo, but with smaller buildings and was supposedly two hours away from Santa Barbara. I decided to go to a random floor, and on that floor there was a room filled with stuffed Pichu. There were carnival or arcade games where the prize was Pichu, the floor was occupied by them, and they were hanging on walls. The room also reminded me of another game room I've been to in another dream from a long time ago, but remodeled and filled with Pichu dolls. Then I left the room to go to the top floor where my room was supposed to be. When I got to the top floor, I saw a glass case that jewelry stores usually have, and there was a section with no wall, which left the room exposed to open air. On closer inspection of the case, I noticed there was ice cream and other random snacks in them. Then some freshman girl asked what I was doing. I then explained I was trying to pick something out. She asked when I was planning on leaving. I told her I would leave on Monday because I would need to be back for a midterm. She then told me that she planned on staying for the whole conference which ended on Tuesday, and she was skipping a midterm for it. She then tried to convince me to stay.
About a month ago, I had a dream where I came back to the dorms of UCSB, except it was also transformed into a shopping mall of sorts. The top floor was the dorm lounge, but there was a handicap ramp down into the rest of the building which was basically the mall. I wanted to get the rest of my things, so I decided to go out the fire exit. When I opened the door for the fire exit, I noticed that if I took another step, I would fall down a few stories. The fire escape was to the side of the door instead of right behind it, so I did not want to risk falling. Instead, I decided to run down the stairs or handicap ramp. As I ran down each story, I got to the second floor where people were handing out free samples of candy and chocolate.
I also remember dreams where I was either in Japan or on vacation somewhere, and I just ran around exploring shopping centers or malls. There was even one where I ran around a fancy hotel with the walls being mirrors. I've also hopped between trains in some dreams. Again, I am not sure whether I was running from something or searching for something. I am curious to know why I would be running around in places like that. There must be a reason I would be going through the trouble of running through different levels, jumping down stairs or having parkour skills to climb up to different levels. Whatever the case, I find it amusing I would have so many dreams set in department stores/malls/hotels. I'm sure a psychologist would be interested in studying that.
Anyways, I should be studying for a quiz...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Recently I've been starting to type out whatever dreams I may remember and feel have a significant meaning. Instead of buying an actual journal, I just write one in my computer. If I look back at them, I think, "I have some of the most ridiculous dreams." Seriously, they do not make too much sense. Some of them involve people from my high school, some I haven't even seen since graduating. Some of my dreams have elements from video games being in "real life", and some dreams also have children being a big focus.
If I try to remember back a few years, I can think of multiple dreams where I'm running around in an urban setting, going through department stores or malls or hotels either trying to run away from something or searching. What do I run from? What am I looking for? I have no idea. These department stores in settings that remind me of Tokyo seem to come once in a while.
The last one I had with that type of setting was a dream about going to a conference. We were staying at a hotel/department store in a city that reminded me of Tokyo, but with smaller buildings and was supposedly two hours away from Santa Barbara. I decided to go to a random floor, and on that floor there was a room filled with stuffed Pichu. There were carnival or arcade games where the prize was Pichu, the floor was occupied by them, and they were hanging on walls. The room also reminded me of another game room I've been to in another dream from a long time ago, but remodeled and filled with Pichu dolls. Then I left the room to go to the top floor where my room was supposed to be. When I got to the top floor, I saw a glass case that jewelry stores usually have, and there was a section with no wall, which left the room exposed to open air. On closer inspection of the case, I noticed there was ice cream and other random snacks in them. Then some freshman girl asked what I was doing. I then explained I was trying to pick something out. She asked when I was planning on leaving. I told her I would leave on Monday because I would need to be back for a midterm. She then told me that she planned on staying for the whole conference which ended on Tuesday, and she was skipping a midterm for it. She then tried to convince me to stay.
About a month ago, I had a dream where I came back to the dorms of UCSB, except it was also transformed into a shopping mall of sorts. The top floor was the dorm lounge, but there was a handicap ramp down into the rest of the building which was basically the mall. I wanted to get the rest of my things, so I decided to go out the fire exit. When I opened the door for the fire exit, I noticed that if I took another step, I would fall down a few stories. The fire escape was to the side of the door instead of right behind it, so I did not want to risk falling. Instead, I decided to run down the stairs or handicap ramp. As I ran down each story, I got to the second floor where people were handing out free samples of candy and chocolate.
I also remember dreams where I was either in Japan or on vacation somewhere, and I just ran around exploring shopping centers or malls. There was even one where I ran around a fancy hotel with the walls being mirrors. I've also hopped between trains in some dreams. Again, I am not sure whether I was running from something or searching for something. I am curious to know why I would be running around in places like that. There must be a reason I would be going through the trouble of running through different levels, jumping down stairs or having parkour skills to climb up to different levels. Whatever the case, I find it amusing I would have so many dreams set in department stores/malls/hotels. I'm sure a psychologist would be interested in studying that.
Anyways, I should be studying for a quiz...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Illuminate: West Coast Epic Conference 2011
Last weekend I was back up in San Francisco for Epic Conference. If you don't know what Epic is, it is a ministry for reaching out to Asian Americans. In UCSB, it is one of the movements working with Campus Crusade although it's also independent from Campus Crusades on other campuses.
The theme for Epic Conference this year was Illuminate. Conference started Friday night and ended after the morning session on Monday. We had Monday off school because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The schedule for the weekend was pretty packed, so the only time we got to really socialize was at night or during meals. There was a main meeting during the mornings and nights, and the afternoons were different each day. Saturday afternoon we went to two seminars, and we went outreaching on Sunday afternoon.
Although I barely had any sleep during the whole weekend and was half asleep in some of the sessions, I still learned a lot during it. I learned a lot more about myself and realized things I have not thought of before. I also got to meet many other Asian Americans who were part of Epic in different schools. From here I will summarize sessions by copying off notes I wrote down.
Saturday morning, We talked about how we should not present ourselves as perfect and should allow ourselves to be human. Jesus showed emotion which is something many Christians tend to try and not show.
During the afternoon we had seminars. I had to pick two out of a plethora of good ones, so I ended up going to "Changing in Him" and "Healthy Relationships". During "Changing in Him", the speaker talked about becoming our true selves which is a topic I believe I discussed earlier in this blog. God is the prime reality and we need to live in both grace and truth, People tend to live in one or the other. Growth comes from both truth and grace, and it needs time. Without love, there is no growth. Bonding is the first and foremost stage to growth. When we attack and judge, it describes what's going on in us. The speaker tells us we need to begin to believe in ourselves. He also said obedience does not necessarily mean honoring...or was it respecting. I was half asleep so I didn't really get that.
During the "Healthy Relationships" seminar, we talked about how we need to connect with both God and people. "God made us to have a longing for the longing." We can't grow without grace, and healthy relationships is not an optional thing. Some things required in a healthy relationship is mutuality, trust, addressing our emotions, and other things. When it comes to mutuality, they talked about support and equality. It is about two complete people, not just one. Relationships are not to complete you. Complementary relationships are fun and healthy while completing is looking for people to take care of our own immaturity. We all need to become competent in areas we are weak in. After covering mutuality, we talked about how we need to address our emotions. A relationship is not someone taking care of you; it's taking responsibility. You need to take ownership of yourself. Growing in relationships involve risk. You have to invite risk, change, and growth for a healthy relationship. It is not healthy if you feel like you are stuck in one you need to be in and have no freedom. If you feel like you'll fall apart if you lose a relationship, something is wrong. They are fun if you can choose to be in them. "If there is no conflict in a relationship, one person isn't needed or one person is eating a lot of dirt." Having a relationship involves living with differences that aren't comfortable.
Saturday night related Jesus' life to Israel. It also talked about II Corinthians 5:21 and its implications: that we are fully loved, fully accepted, have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear. It is not based on what I've done, but based on Christ's love. Sunday morning talked about how it's Jesus who triumphs in our weakness, not us. We have to realize how much we have been forgiven. Sunday night talked about how 1 Peter is a book about minorities. It references a bunch of old testament books, and we are called to be chosen people of God. We are His inheritance. The speaker then talked about how our heritage is a gift from God to be used for His gospel to the world. We are called to be Royal Priesthood. We also talked about Holiness in community.
Finally, Monday morning talked about how we are in God's family and how we aren't second class. We are the heir of God the King and we own everything He owns. We are called to declare God's praises to the nations or the world. God provides Himself as a source of strength. We have our own identity and our own voice. We aren't defined as Asians or as Americans, but we are defined as God's children.
Now that I'm done summarizing notes, I will write my thoughts on conference. It was definitely interesting meeting a whole bunch of Asian American Christians in one place. We all came from different backgrounds, and we each have our own stories. However, I loved how I can relate to some of the topics covered during conference. I was reminded that honoring my parents does not necessarily mean obeying them in everything. I definitely learned more about identifying myself as an Asian-American. It was also interesting to meet non-Christians who decided to attend the conference. I was curious about what they thought of the whole thing. Of course, it was also fun hanging out with people in the middle of the night after the night session. Overall, it was an awesome experience being able to attend the conference. I'm now too tired to write more on what I've learned during conference, so I'll end on this note.
Until next time!
Kenneth
The theme for Epic Conference this year was Illuminate. Conference started Friday night and ended after the morning session on Monday. We had Monday off school because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The schedule for the weekend was pretty packed, so the only time we got to really socialize was at night or during meals. There was a main meeting during the mornings and nights, and the afternoons were different each day. Saturday afternoon we went to two seminars, and we went outreaching on Sunday afternoon.
Although I barely had any sleep during the whole weekend and was half asleep in some of the sessions, I still learned a lot during it. I learned a lot more about myself and realized things I have not thought of before. I also got to meet many other Asian Americans who were part of Epic in different schools. From here I will summarize sessions by copying off notes I wrote down.
Saturday morning, We talked about how we should not present ourselves as perfect and should allow ourselves to be human. Jesus showed emotion which is something many Christians tend to try and not show.
Emotional Health and Spiritual Maturity are Inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.The speaker also talked about the "Emotional Jug". We feel a plethora of emotions, but we put a "lid of indifference". As a result, we start leaking all over the place. We think we need to ignore to love, but that is not how it works. Asians tend to be passive-aggressive. We feel like it's better to stay silent because we don't know how to handle our emotions. Since we contain our emotions, we leak until we blow up. The speaker then says how we would rather keep the peace when in reality we are living lies. Instead of hiding our emotions, we need to learn to manage them. While to persevere is a virtuous task, doing it without emotions is more harmful than good. Usually it's harder for men to embrace their feelings. One final thing he said that morning that stuck out to me was that we tend to be dishonest with God.
During the afternoon we had seminars. I had to pick two out of a plethora of good ones, so I ended up going to "Changing in Him" and "Healthy Relationships". During "Changing in Him", the speaker talked about becoming our true selves which is a topic I believe I discussed earlier in this blog. God is the prime reality and we need to live in both grace and truth, People tend to live in one or the other. Growth comes from both truth and grace, and it needs time. Without love, there is no growth. Bonding is the first and foremost stage to growth. When we attack and judge, it describes what's going on in us. The speaker tells us we need to begin to believe in ourselves. He also said obedience does not necessarily mean honoring...or was it respecting. I was half asleep so I didn't really get that.
During the "Healthy Relationships" seminar, we talked about how we need to connect with both God and people. "God made us to have a longing for the longing." We can't grow without grace, and healthy relationships is not an optional thing. Some things required in a healthy relationship is mutuality, trust, addressing our emotions, and other things. When it comes to mutuality, they talked about support and equality. It is about two complete people, not just one. Relationships are not to complete you. Complementary relationships are fun and healthy while completing is looking for people to take care of our own immaturity. We all need to become competent in areas we are weak in. After covering mutuality, we talked about how we need to address our emotions. A relationship is not someone taking care of you; it's taking responsibility. You need to take ownership of yourself. Growing in relationships involve risk. You have to invite risk, change, and growth for a healthy relationship. It is not healthy if you feel like you are stuck in one you need to be in and have no freedom. If you feel like you'll fall apart if you lose a relationship, something is wrong. They are fun if you can choose to be in them. "If there is no conflict in a relationship, one person isn't needed or one person is eating a lot of dirt." Having a relationship involves living with differences that aren't comfortable.
Saturday night related Jesus' life to Israel. It also talked about II Corinthians 5:21 and its implications: that we are fully loved, fully accepted, have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear. It is not based on what I've done, but based on Christ's love. Sunday morning talked about how it's Jesus who triumphs in our weakness, not us. We have to realize how much we have been forgiven. Sunday night talked about how 1 Peter is a book about minorities. It references a bunch of old testament books, and we are called to be chosen people of God. We are His inheritance. The speaker then talked about how our heritage is a gift from God to be used for His gospel to the world. We are called to be Royal Priesthood. We also talked about Holiness in community.
Finally, Monday morning talked about how we are in God's family and how we aren't second class. We are the heir of God the King and we own everything He owns. We are called to declare God's praises to the nations or the world. God provides Himself as a source of strength. We have our own identity and our own voice. We aren't defined as Asians or as Americans, but we are defined as God's children.
Now that I'm done summarizing notes, I will write my thoughts on conference. It was definitely interesting meeting a whole bunch of Asian American Christians in one place. We all came from different backgrounds, and we each have our own stories. However, I loved how I can relate to some of the topics covered during conference. I was reminded that honoring my parents does not necessarily mean obeying them in everything. I definitely learned more about identifying myself as an Asian-American. It was also interesting to meet non-Christians who decided to attend the conference. I was curious about what they thought of the whole thing. Of course, it was also fun hanging out with people in the middle of the night after the night session. Overall, it was an awesome experience being able to attend the conference. I'm now too tired to write more on what I've learned during conference, so I'll end on this note.
Until next time!
Kenneth
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011
It's hard to believe it's 2011 already. I still have trouble thinking of myself as 20 years old. 2010 had been a pretty amazing year. I feel like as each year comes, things keep getting better and better. Obviously there are still some tough times and things I struggle with, but I don't plan on letting those keep me down.
It seriously has been a wonderful year with college. I've met a majority of my Real Life Class of 2013 friends in January or April, and God has continued to remind me of how much He loves me. I could attempt to summarize my year, but then I would have to look at my past blog posts to remind myself.
I'm the type of person who doesn't make New Years resolutions. Why you ask? It is because I know I will probably forget them. I'm also the type of person who can be a perfectionist when it comes to myself, but still save everything for the last minute. However, my perfectionism isn't enough for me to want to double check whatever papers I write or whatever schoolwork I do. It's like a paradox. I don't know why I went off on this tangent, but I'm not going to erase it.
Here is the prayer I wrote in the prayer journal at the International House of Prayer East Bay just a couple hours before the new year started:
Anyways, the last year had been a pretty awesome year. It was awesome being a part of Real Life in UCSB, and it was great becoming a part of the Epic ohana. It has also been awesome going to Reality (although I fall asleep in service sometimes...), and I love how Isla Vista Church is like a family. Meeting so many loving Christians had been a blessing. I want to thank God for bringing me into such awesome communities. Of course, I feel like there are people who feel that I'm not open about myself, and so I hope with this year I can grow closer with everyone.
For the rest of this post, I'm going to mention some awesome people who came into my life this ye...err I mean last year. Of course, I'm probably not going to mention everyone because then this list would be too long. I'm also going to call them by the nicknames I have in my head that I don't usually say out loud unless I don't actually have a nickname for them. Ian Charbonnet, Mere Bear, Melton, Klezek, Amanda manda manda manda manda Chiang, Jodan-san, Dah-veed (Salazar), David Hoang, Mee-shell Quesadilla, Claire Bear...actually I think I'll stop now because there's too many people to mention. I wuvs yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuzzz!!!! That was probably the least formal thing I wrote on this blog so far...ever.
Of course, there are plenty of awesome people back in the Bay Area too. I feel like I have to mention Ryan Frank, but I'm also too lazy to make another list of people only to end it too early.
2010 was a pretty amazing year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2011. When Todd Benjamin Lout, my youth pastor, asked in a facebook status "What are your goals for 2011?" my answer was "To spend more time with God...because I get distracted easily..." Pray that I can keep this goal and not get so distracted.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It seriously has been a wonderful year with college. I've met a majority of my Real Life Class of 2013 friends in January or April, and God has continued to remind me of how much He loves me. I could attempt to summarize my year, but then I would have to look at my past blog posts to remind myself.
I'm the type of person who doesn't make New Years resolutions. Why you ask? It is because I know I will probably forget them. I'm also the type of person who can be a perfectionist when it comes to myself, but still save everything for the last minute. However, my perfectionism isn't enough for me to want to double check whatever papers I write or whatever schoolwork I do. It's like a paradox. I don't know why I went off on this tangent, but I'm not going to erase it.
Here is the prayer I wrote in the prayer journal at the International House of Prayer East Bay just a couple hours before the new year started:
Praise God! Jesus, thank you for all that you have done for me, thank you for life, for loving me, for freedom in YOU! Thank you for blessing me with so much this year, for all my friends that I've met who help me open up and grow more in you! Thank you for giving me boldness in sharing my testimony this year. Thank you for bringing me through struggles. I pray for more growth this year; to seek you more. You are number 1! I pray that you will bless IHOP East Bay, and I want to pray for the 24/7 prayer movement starting up in Isla Vista this summer. I love you Daddy!Maybe this seems more like something I should have written during Thanksgiving...
-Kenneth S.
Anyways, the last year had been a pretty awesome year. It was awesome being a part of Real Life in UCSB, and it was great becoming a part of the Epic ohana. It has also been awesome going to Reality (although I fall asleep in service sometimes...), and I love how Isla Vista Church is like a family. Meeting so many loving Christians had been a blessing. I want to thank God for bringing me into such awesome communities. Of course, I feel like there are people who feel that I'm not open about myself, and so I hope with this year I can grow closer with everyone.
For the rest of this post, I'm going to mention some awesome people who came into my life this ye...err I mean last year. Of course, I'm probably not going to mention everyone because then this list would be too long. I'm also going to call them by the nicknames I have in my head that I don't usually say out loud unless I don't actually have a nickname for them. Ian Charbonnet, Mere Bear, Melton, Klezek, Amanda manda manda manda manda Chiang, Jodan-san, Dah-veed (Salazar), David Hoang, Mee-shell Quesadilla, Claire Bear...actually I think I'll stop now because there's too many people to mention. I wuvs yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuzzz!!!! That was probably the least formal thing I wrote on this blog so far...ever.
Of course, there are plenty of awesome people back in the Bay Area too. I feel like I have to mention Ryan Frank, but I'm also too lazy to make another list of people only to end it too early.
2010 was a pretty amazing year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2011. When Todd Benjamin Lout, my youth pastor, asked in a facebook status "What are your goals for 2011?" my answer was "To spend more time with God...because I get distracted easily..." Pray that I can keep this goal and not get so distracted.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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