What am I doing here? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't do better? Why do I make myself so busy that I fall asleep at places I shouldn't sleep at? What exactly am I trying to prove?
These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.
Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?
I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.
Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.
It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.
Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.
The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...
I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?
I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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