Planning. It helps you focus and gives you direction. It sets expectations. It helps reach objectives. It requires a lot of control. What happens when a person does not have the control to achieve their visions from their plans?
I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.
I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.
At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.
Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.
This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.
Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.
I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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