I am imperfect. That is a fact I have accepted.
As a human being, I can't be perfect in everything. I used to aim at being perfect in school because that was where I got the most praise from my parents. My parents used to tell me how good I was in math, so I thought of myself as a math person. In junior high and high school, I almost had straight A's. The only classes I got B's (and one C+) were in honors or AP classes. However, entering into college changed how I view myself in regards to school. It used to be that I didn't have to try too hard to succeed. Now as hard as I try, I usually end up with B's, or if it were for my major classes in Pre-econ or Pre-comm, I would get C's. I cannot seem to do well enough to get into the majors that are more practical, ones that my parents would be fine with me doing.
Growing up, I was always compared with my brothers. My mom wanted us to be "perfect" kids. She would tell my brothers that they needed to be more like me when it came to school, and she would complain about my random habits or inability to be attractive in one way or another in comparison to my brothers. Growing up, I was told I was too fat and that I need to lose weight or somehow give some of it to my brothers who were "too skinny". Now that I have changed my eating habits and lost enough weight for my mom to tell me that I'm "not fat anymore", I still have that mentality that I'm still too fat. Just recently, I've been losing a lot of hair on the back of my head that it has become thin. Meanwhile, the front of my head is pretty abundant with hair. My mom complained about it to the barber cutting my hair, and my mom then blames it on the fact that I don't go to sleep early enough. Then she finds out it was most likely from the way I manage my hair by the way I comb and because I use two in one shampoo/conditioner. She then complains that I never listen to her, which she has never told me not to use two in ones for my hair.
Recently, it feels like my parents will complain about my grades, my looks, or my characteristics, then they will blame Church for it all. They feel that I spend all my time at Church activities and not enough time studying. My mom blames "stress from going to Church too much" for my loss of hair. It feels like every time they complain about me in something, they will link it to Church in some way. They feel like my lack of stability in where I'm going after college on going to too much Church and not enough focusing on the future.
From what I learned in my communications class last quarter, we should not be making causal statements when we have not even thought of other variables that could have an effect. With that thought, I would like to tell my parents that not everything I do is a Church activity. Real Life technically is not a "Church". I mean, it is a church in the sense that it's the body of Christ, but it's not a building that people get together on Sundays for sermons. It's an organization on campus that is a ministry to reach out to college students who don't know Christ. Even if I were to count that as Church, there are plenty of activities I participate in that is not run by a Church or a ministry of sorts. It just happens that a lot of things I go to involve friends who happen to be Christians.
First, I have also gone to things run by the school or even departments of studies. Secondly, just because a lot of my pictures on Facebook seem to be involving activities related to fellowship with other Christians, it does not mean I do not study. I do all my reading, I spend time studying, and I have skipped things because of my need to study or to write a paper. Although it does not seem like it, I do make time to study, and there is no reason for me to take pictures of myself studying or to show off to other people that I am. Third, it might be other distractions like the Internet. Although people tend to point out Facebook, I do spend a lot more time browsing forums reading random topics or searching random things on Wikipedia and Google. Even so, when I know I have to study, I am actually able to focus on studying for a long period of time even if it seems that I'm on Facebook based on the chat list showing I'm online. Also, although I did well up until high school, college is different in many ways. In high school, we had many quizzes, tests, and plenty of homework to do well in, and each thing covered little bits of information. In college, we are basically graded on our midterms, papers, and finals with maybe 5% on participation. There is a much higher expectation on how college papers are graded, and the tests cover a lot more than what each test in high school did. Also, college tests are based more on understanding concepts than memorizing information. Ergo, it's harder for me to retain information for college tests. Finally, maybe I'm not doing well in my major because I'm actually not good at understanding them or am not really interested in pursuing them compared to many of the people trying to get into the same majors. Sorry for this large rant...
I also wish my parents would understand that I don't go to Church because I have to. On the contrary, I don't actually have to attend Church to be a Christian. I do it because I want to, not because of an obligation or because I was baptized in 9th grade (FYI, my mom thinks people who are baptized have to go to Church). Although my mom finds it pointless and not beneficial, I feel the opposite. She sees benefits for oneself in practicality while I see it more as an issue of the heart or mind.
I feel like I can never reach my mom's ideal of a perfect son. Actually, I KNOW I can never reach her ideal of a perfect son. And I know I'm probably not going to succeed in the business world like my dad wants me to. I am not perfect in the way my parents view as perfection, and I know I cannot become exactly how they view a perfect son. However, I should be content to know that Jesus loves me just the way I am, with all my imperfections. No matter what I do, He is not going to love me any more or less. Jesus sees us as perfect the way we are. I need to stop pursuing acceptance from my parents' standards and be content knowing that I already have Jesus' acceptance.
Sorry for the rant. It just happens that I feel like writing when I have things bothering me in my mind. One day, I will write something without it being a rant...
Until next time,
Kenneth
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