Hey guys,
So anyone who attended the last worship night before the end of Spring Quarter knows that on the last minute I tried to talk about what I've learned this year. I was probably confusing because I spoke too fast and did not organize it well enough. There were also a lot of detail I forgot to mention that was actually in my head before I spoke, so I'm going to write about it in this post.
So this year, I've been learning to trust God's timing more. I found myself trying to get myself involved in lots of things out of my own will. For example, I tried rushing for AGO twice and applied for Summer Project. Unfortunately I couldn't pledge AGO by myself and Chris Comstock didn't feel I was ready for Summer Project. As I thought back to them, I realize I chose to try out for them because other people were doing them. I didn't really pray much about making those decisions when I decided to do them. When I think back, I know I was probably not ready for those if I end up doing them at all in the future.
For example, when I was a pledge for AGO, a question they always asked was something like "What can you contribute to AGO". That's a question I still don't know the answer to. If I replace "AGO" with anything else, I'm still not sure what I can contribute. It's something I know I should pray about more often.
Jeremiah 29:11 had been my favorite verse in high school, but I'm discovering that I still need to trust God more with his plans for me instead of me having to go out and do things on my own. I guess that's why I feel disappointment not getting into AGO, not getting into summer project, or not being a leader in some team or something. I guess the last part is more of a selfish wish of sorts. I need to have more faith in God, and trust that he is leading me.
I also learned to love others more. Back home, I lived in more of a bubble, but coming to UCSB, I get to meet many people from different backgrounds. As much as I served others back home, I probably did more by going to Jesus Burgers many weekends or by being a part of Jesus Loves IV week. Through these, I got to hear more about people's lives...
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And the section above was written the night after the last worship night a few weeks ago with some minor changes and additions...then I got distracted with my papers and put off doing them until now. Honestly, I was still struggling with coming up with things to write about. I kind of still am.
Coming back home, I realize how unproductive I am here. I spent most of it so far playing Smash Bros or Pokemon, or I would be on facebook. Granted, I did go out a couple times...for Eric William's grad party where I got to see friends here and once to take my little bro to his tennis tournament in Santa Cruz. There's just a lot more to do down in Santa Barbara...
I wish I could go on summer project, but alas, I did not get into one. I probably would not be ready for it anyways. I feel like I really need to grow spiritually more before I can take on responsibilities like that. There's also the fact that sometimes I think I rely too much on friends and not enough on God. I think it's because people are more tangible, so I can understand them and hear them easier. I really need to get myself into some quiet time or something. There's a lot I can grow in.
I guess it's also because I'm afraid of challenges or taking risks. Granted, if it was for fun and games, I would usually be up for it, and I can get quite competitive. However, when it's something that can significantly impact my life, many times I find myself unsure about whether it's worth it. I guess I don't pray about that enough either.
The thing I find hardest to do is oppose my parents...specifically my mom. Every time I mention wanting to do something that opposes her wish for me, she'll threaten me in some way like saying she'll kick me out of the house with nothing and have me live on the streets. That's the threat she used when I tried applying to APU my senior year of high school, and it's the same threat she used whenever I mentioned I want to major in film. My brother tells me it's an empty threat, and if it does happen, I should trust in God and know he'll provide. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I am kicked out, I end up having nowhere to go. I would not be able to go back to UCSB on my own, nor would I be able to pay for my own education. Ergo, I would not be able to be with the community of friends I made down there, whether it would be Real Life family, AGO/ADX, or Epic ohana...also if I ended up living with friends here, I would feel like I'm a parasite taking advantage of them and not being able to do anything in return.
I guess I'm afraid God won't provide when I know he does. I also think I cling too much on human relationships as well...that I feel a need to be loved by people when all I really need is God's love. I should also think of people who are in tougher situations than me. For example, Anmarie no longer lives with her dad because her step mom hates her, yet she's able to get financial support and pay on her own to attend UCSB. If she's able to do that, why can't I? Then I think about how I never had my own job or have my own bank account, and I rationalize that I would not be able to support myself if my mom were to kick me out of the house for doing something against her wishes.
I must question myself about the things I want to do as well. Are they all a part of God's plan, or are they just my own wishes that would probably never happen? How would I know what God has planned for me? That is why I'm afraid to change my major from pre-econ into something else that I would enjoy, why I'm afraid to take risks.
I guess I'm still looking for my identity in God. During Eric's grad party, Matt Phipps told me he felt moved by God to tell me that I'm in the process of discovering myself and I may not know that. I know that I'm growing, but if I were to be asked how, I would not know the answer. God is probably moving me right in front of my eyes, and I do not see what is going on.
I still need to take Jeremiah 29:11 into heart when it comes to God's plan for me. I worry about this so much when He probably has it under control. I may write another post about how different people had make an impact in my first year at UCSB. For now, I am tired of writing. Until next time...
Kenneth
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