My first non-intro post...relationships?

Hey anyone who happens to read this,

This is a topic that has been in my mind since I have no idea when. If you know me, you know I never been in one and I'm sure no one can imagine me ever getting into one. To some people, it may not be a surprise if I had a crush on someone while to many it may not be very obvious. It's because I try not to show any attraction to girls, but that can backfire at times. It is something I struggle with a lot, but at the same time, I find other things to keep my mind off it. I won't be mentioning names in order to keep people's privacy.

The trouble with this might have started back in Japan. I had a crush on some girl, and I became obsessed in a way. It became sort of self-destructive in a way. I found out she had a boyfriend, and then I tried to forget ever liking her. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people figured it out and I was made fun of a lot for it. Afterward, I've been rejected by any girl I found myself attracted to, yet people still made fun of me for that first one. Eventually I got over it...she was mean to me anyways. Still, it impacted me in a way because it really made me negative about relationships, about life, and it set up a lot of barriers I have been trying to take down in the last five years.

After 7th grade, I've been afraid to ask girls out because I figure they will probably reject me. If I think back now, I was too young for that kind of stuff anyways. As time passes and I get older, it became more like I never felt ready to get into one.

Just today, I left a message for my mom wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. After some talking about how I found out about the day, she decides to ask me if I have a girlfriend yet. Obviously I answered no, just like the many times she has asked me since I entered college. She still asks me why, and since I figure she'll never understand my reason, I tell her it's because I'm happy with just having friends. That is one of the main reasons I don't want to get into a relationship. I figured I would spend a lot less time with friends if I ever got into one. I also still figure girls will say no anyways.

Another reason would be I know I'm not ready to get into one yet. I think that if I do, it would be for the wrong reasons. There's so many areas I need to grow in before I should start thinking about it. For example, I feel I should place God higher up on my priority list. It has been something I've been working on for a while. I still feel that I should work more on that.

Even with some good reasons not to date, I still find myself attracted to some girls. It's something I will probably continue struggling with for a long time, but I'm trying to work on not thinking about it too much. It's also strange when I see so many couples already engaged and getting married in the summer. A small part of me maybe envious, which I should not be, and it also makes me think "I could totally be engaged in three years and not know about it now!" Of course, I don't know who I'm going to marry in the future. I just have to put my trust in God with that. Jeremiah 29:11, although used often, is the verse I go to with this.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Even if I feel some pressure from family or I see lots of happy couples, I know it is not my time yet. I also know I'm not ready for it. I'll wait patiently until God's plan unravels, and hopefully I will be ready by then. For now, I'm just going to live life like it is.

Thanks for reading this if you actually read the whole way through...you might be laughing at how ridiculous the whole post is, or you may actually sympathize with me. I'm not sure. Hope to update again sometime in the future!

Kenneth