Musings during a meteor shower

The Perseid meteor shower. I try to see it each year. Sometimes it doesn't work out due to weather conditions. This year, the weather was fine. However, I need more sleep before work. What will I decide? I guess I could spend a little time seeing it, and I will go back home to sleep on time.

A meteor shower is something I want to see with friends. It would be more fun that way. I wonder, "What would it look like if what I was going through was an anime? What would it look like?" Those are weird questions to be asking in general. Maybe I have been spending too much time watching anime recently.

Walked to the Plex. Seems like anyone who would have been interested in going already left. I decided to walk to the trail by Manzanita cliffs. There's probably less light pollution over the ocean. As I walk there, I was reminded of when I went by some cliffs on DP to see a meteor shower my freshmen year of college. I went with a few hall mates. This time, I was going by myself. Since there are no lights along the path, I walked right into the darkness. The path was one I was familiar with. I kept on walking to get farther from the lights of IV.

As I made my way to the benches, I realized there was already people sitting there. I walked back a bit to not interrupt them. Then I looked up above the ocean. There were plenty of stars visible to my eyes. While it was not as many as in country areas, the night sky was clear enough.

During the time I looked in the sky, there was a certain song playing in my head. It was a song from an anime I had watched recently. Anime seems to have good quality songs. While it was playing, I thought about how awesome it would have been to be watching out for shooting stars with friends. However, many of the people I would have wanted to experience this with were not around. Some had left the area for good already, and others were traveling and creating their own experiences. I'd like to travel. There are many places I would like to experience. However, I don't even know where I will be in a month.

Seeing shooting stars always seems to remind me of God's goodness and greatness. After seeing a few, I can't help but think about how He created them for us to enjoy. He gave us promises He won't go back on. Shooting stars also remind me to be thankful. Even with all the city lights trying to drown out the stars, I spotted quite a few within half an hour. It was after the random musing that it occurred to me...I could be using that time to talk to God. It was then that I had some quiet time to reflect. "Arigato, Kami-sama." (Translation: "Thank you, God.") (Maybe I have been watching too much anime...) That's how I ended when I decided to walk home. I am reminded to always be thankful.

Some Late Night Rambling...

I am on blogger at this moment...because I have no idea how to make reading plans in the Bible when it comes to my quiet times. I thought, "Okay, I'm going to have quiet time. Where do I start?" First thing is open up Bible gateway. After staring at it for a bit, I realized I have no idea what I was going to read. I could start with Leviticus 19:18 which was the verse of the day, but I did not know how it could apply with what I was going through today. I decided to read a chapter of Jesus Burgers. As encouraging as it was, it did not lead me to any specific passage. Finally, I decided to see if my friends had any good passages shared on blogger. That's how I ended up here. I read Cody's post about Psalm 86 right before typing this, but it is just at this moment where I realized I should read it first...

Still, even as I read it, my whole heart wasn't put into it. I found myself distracted. I'm wondering where God will take me this summer and after. I'm thinking about my desire to possibly go to Tokyo Summer Project. Where is this desire coming from? And why do I have a country song stuck in my head right now? Okay, that last thought is pointless, but I'm trying to process my thoughts here.

The thing about wanting to go on Summer Project to Japan next year brings up many questions in my head. For example, if I got a job beforehand, how will I take time off that job to do something like that? What are my intentions? Is it because I've recently noticed a lot of people have been going there for missions? Do I want to go just because I want to go to Japan and not necessarily because of a mission mind set? Last time I attempted to go on a project, God closed that door within a couple weeks. How do I know that this desire to go on project in Japan is from God or not? I know there is a need there, and a lot of people there need the hope found in Jesus. This post could have even just gone into my journal, yet I feel like I should share it online.

I feel like I need some guidance right now...

Post-Graduation Thoughts

I walked at graduation 6 days ago. The last quarter of relaxing, doing my internship, and being involved with Cru, Epic, and AGO had been good. Spending time with people has also been good. These last few weeks have been an amazing time of hanging out with people who are all going different ways while some are staying in Santa Barbara afterwards. What now? I guess I need to start job searching.

It is surreal not living at the Plex anymore after two years of being there. Yeah, I'm right across the street from it for now, but I will only be at the AGO house for two months. Where am I going after? It depends on if I can get a job or not. I'm definitely going to miss being in that community where I can see so many people in a day. Some people have jobs, some will be interning or stinting for Cru next year, some will be going to grad school...I feel like a lot of people already know what they are doing. I don't yet. I'm trusting God, but I am curious as to where I will end up.

There are definitely people I've taken for granted, and there are those I have been thankful for and am even more thankful for now. God had me here for a reason, and I trust that the work he has done here will continue afterwards. Maybe I will cross paths with the people He has placed in my life in the future. It's hard to remember that we are not college students anymore.

Well, that is all I have for now. Not that motivated to write a lot, so this will be short. Oh yeah, and senior class won BOTA. I am thankful for that.

Graduated Early!

I graduated early! I finished Winter Quarter of 2013. I just started an internship with TVSB. What now? Well, I will be doing the internship for six months which means I will be in Santa Barbara until at least September. After that, I don't know what I'm doing. If I get offered a job there, I might stay longer. If not, I go depending on where I can find a job. If I can't find any, then I'm going back to NorCal. I'm basically trusting that God will provide wherever I am at.

I have noticed that wherever I am at in life, He has provided me with a lot. In high school, he provided me a community within my youth group and my church. In college, he provided me with Real Life, with Epic, with all of Cru, with brothers in AGO and sisters in ADX, with family in IVC, and even family within other churches in the Santa Barbara area. I know that I will have community wherever I go, and the community of believers I end up living life with will point me towards Christ and His love. I have been blessed by God through the community he provided, and it has been super encouraging growing wherever I am at.

The best moments are those where I get into good conversations with people about how God is working in our lives. While it is kind of sad to see some people leaving, I know God will work in them wherever He takes them. I'm sure God has more for me in Santa Barbara while I do my internship, and I pray that He will guide me in all my interactions here. I pray that I can glorify Him in everything I do. I know people who plan on Stinting next year, people who are getting jobs elsewhere, people who will be interning with Cru and Epic, and I pray that they will continue growing in their love for God. I pray that I can trust Him as much as I say I do.

For now, I should enjoy being in Santa Barbara until September. I should enjoy the three months I have left with many people I've known since freshmen year at UCSB. I should feel blessed that I have been assigned as one of the senior captains for BOTA, and hopefully I will glorify God with the decisions I make and be a good sportsman. As far as I know, this is the first time I'm leading/co-leading anything, and I'm stoked for it.

One thing I am thinking of right now: I say "I don't know" a lot. Is it because I'm actually unsure, or is it because I want to please people? If it is the latter, why is it that I feel the desire to please people? Why do I fear people's reactions? What does not knowing what I should eat have anything to do with pleasing people? So many questions...and I should be going to bed.

Until next time,
Kenneth

I'm Graduating Soon!!!

Happy Valentines Day!

It's the sixth week of Winter Quarter. I have four more weeks until finals. I'm graduating a quarter early. I am planning on going on Project Reclaim for spring break...if I had a spring break. Still need to raise support for that. Besides that, what is next?

I've started looking at jobs. I've applied for four internships, one of which is already full. I've been too lazy to write cover letters to apply to more. Why? Because...I don't have a real interest in them or I don't have some of the skills or equipment they require. I'm also just not ready to be done with the student life. Not to mention, I only decided to graduate early over Winter Break. Not much time to figure out anything right?

I want to eventually work with Warner Bros. Animation...not as an animator. I'm terrible at drawing. However, I want to be involved in that industry somehow. I've applied for a couple internships there. The problem with working there starting April is that I am living in SB until June. Commuting there and back will be a lot of hours and gas. If the internship I get there ends up being not paid, I have no way of paying all that gas money without borrowing money from parents. I would also need to figure out how to pay for food. I'm more than likely going to have to find something local.

Yeah, I'm looking for a job to honor my parents and to be able to support myself since I'm no longer going to be supported by them. I've had thoughts about interning with Cru or with Epic, but something is stopping me from really pursuing those paths. If I want to intern with them, I would want to intern at SB. Stinting would be cool too. I heard that there is a need for interns in Tokyo. I guess with those paths, I fear what my parents think. Now, it wouldn't make sense to fear that they would stop supporting me financially since they are already doing that after I graduate. I guess I struggle with the thought of my parents being angry or disappointed with me. I may also fear that I can't raise enough support, especially since I am having trouble doing that for Spring Reclaim. I also wouldn't be able to go on Reclaim if I can't find a job because my parents refuse to send my passport to me until I get a job...Finally, there is also the question, "What if I want to intern/stint for selfish reasons?" How do I know my heart is in the right place for that?

Christina Marshall talked at Epic about surrendering things to God in order to grow. If I want to intern or stint, there is going to be a lot of things I need to surrender to God. I'd have to be able to give up what my parents think of me. I have to give up fear that I won't be provided financially. I have to know why I want to intern or stint. I may even have to surrender my own plans and goals. I would also have to give up going on Reclaim for Spring because I obviously won't be able to get my passport...unless God provides a way out and I am somehow able to get it. I still need to trust God with a lot.

I have thought a lot about what I am doing after I'm done with school. I just haven't done much to pursue anything. So much to think about...Pray that I can get all these figured out.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Late Night Rambling

It's late at night. I'm sitting on the futon in the game room on the third floor of my house. I've been using it as a bed for this Winter Break. There's not much privacy here since anyone could basically walk by and see me. As a result, I can't really write in my journal or read late at night. My mom would get mad if she notices I'm awake past 12, and I can't do much except use my laptop when the lights are off...

Lately I've come to realize that writing in a journal can be super useful. I could write stuff I would not want to share on the Internet. I haven't really gotten into that yet, but I felt like starting. I haven't been able to at home since I don't really have privacy here and can't have lights on when I do have time to. Hence, I'm writing about this experience on a blog...

Having conversations with a friend the last couple weeks before Winter Break helped me realize that there were still a lot of hurts I don't think about. He encouraged me to journal them as it helped him see his stuff and how he has been affected. That might be why I've had this desire to journal lately. Sure, there are things I've thought about, but it has only been lately where I realized those thoughts have been affected by past experiences. It's stuff I would like to journal about, and it's stuff I feel like I'm not ready to share with the world through a blog until I feel like it's something that doesn't bother me anymore.

There are a lot of stuff I would like to give up to God. I wonder if I have given up those things to him yet or not. Have I? I tell myself I have, but there is still some uncertainty of whether I have or not.

There's a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head now. I also hear my brother laughing a lot in what was my room. He has my room now because he and his girlfriend, soon to be wife, need privacy. I've gotten to know her better this last week. However, I still feel like they are rushing things. This post could be considered stream-of-consciousness in a way, but it is not. Why? Because I'm still being somewhat selective about what's showing up here and what isn't. I'm also doing some editing while writing, and I had to Google "Ulysses" to remember the term "stream-of-consciousness". I'm sure I will get used to the girl my brother is going to marry. It's still kind of awkward for me having her around...Maybe that's something I should journal more about instead of writing in a blog...

I need to figure out what kind of internship I could do in the Santa Barbara area for the next two quarters, or at least for Spring quarter. As far as I know, the ones I could get through the Carsey-Wolf Center have requirements I haven't fulfilled and am too late to do so, and the one for TVSB requires too many hours for me to do. I might be graduating early...if I can get an internship with an anthropology professor for 2 units this quarter. Hence, I would need a media-type internship for spring and possibly going on to summer. I also need a job after college...

I would like to go on a Spring break project. Maybe to project reclaim. I would have to discuss with my parents first...pray for that.

This will probably be another short post. I pray that God will guide me in the decisions I make, that He will reveal more things.

Until next time,
Kenneth

My last fall quarter is over. I'm sitting in my dark living room thinking about many things that have been going through my mind. I haven't written here in a while. I haven't been journaling as consistently as I wanted to either. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I started trying to journal (and not being consistent with that either). Headphones broke, so I'm stuck in my living room to listen to music since my roommate is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder...

Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?

I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.

Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?

...

A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.

I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.

I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.

Until next time,
Kenneth