My last fall quarter is over. I'm sitting in my dark living room thinking about many things that have been going through my mind. I haven't written here in a while. I haven't been journaling as consistently as I wanted to either. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I started trying to journal (and not being consistent with that either). Headphones broke, so I'm stuck in my living room to listen to music since my roommate is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder...

Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?

I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.

Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?

...

A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.

I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.

I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.

Until next time,
Kenneth