Late Night Rambling

It's late at night. I'm sitting on the futon in the game room on the third floor of my house. I've been using it as a bed for this Winter Break. There's not much privacy here since anyone could basically walk by and see me. As a result, I can't really write in my journal or read late at night. My mom would get mad if she notices I'm awake past 12, and I can't do much except use my laptop when the lights are off...

Lately I've come to realize that writing in a journal can be super useful. I could write stuff I would not want to share on the Internet. I haven't really gotten into that yet, but I felt like starting. I haven't been able to at home since I don't really have privacy here and can't have lights on when I do have time to. Hence, I'm writing about this experience on a blog...

Having conversations with a friend the last couple weeks before Winter Break helped me realize that there were still a lot of hurts I don't think about. He encouraged me to journal them as it helped him see his stuff and how he has been affected. That might be why I've had this desire to journal lately. Sure, there are things I've thought about, but it has only been lately where I realized those thoughts have been affected by past experiences. It's stuff I would like to journal about, and it's stuff I feel like I'm not ready to share with the world through a blog until I feel like it's something that doesn't bother me anymore.

There are a lot of stuff I would like to give up to God. I wonder if I have given up those things to him yet or not. Have I? I tell myself I have, but there is still some uncertainty of whether I have or not.

There's a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head now. I also hear my brother laughing a lot in what was my room. He has my room now because he and his girlfriend, soon to be wife, need privacy. I've gotten to know her better this last week. However, I still feel like they are rushing things. This post could be considered stream-of-consciousness in a way, but it is not. Why? Because I'm still being somewhat selective about what's showing up here and what isn't. I'm also doing some editing while writing, and I had to Google "Ulysses" to remember the term "stream-of-consciousness". I'm sure I will get used to the girl my brother is going to marry. It's still kind of awkward for me having her around...Maybe that's something I should journal more about instead of writing in a blog...

I need to figure out what kind of internship I could do in the Santa Barbara area for the next two quarters, or at least for Spring quarter. As far as I know, the ones I could get through the Carsey-Wolf Center have requirements I haven't fulfilled and am too late to do so, and the one for TVSB requires too many hours for me to do. I might be graduating early...if I can get an internship with an anthropology professor for 2 units this quarter. Hence, I would need a media-type internship for spring and possibly going on to summer. I also need a job after college...

I would like to go on a Spring break project. Maybe to project reclaim. I would have to discuss with my parents first...pray for that.

This will probably be another short post. I pray that God will guide me in the decisions I make, that He will reveal more things.

Until next time,
Kenneth

My last fall quarter is over. I'm sitting in my dark living room thinking about many things that have been going through my mind. I haven't written here in a while. I haven't been journaling as consistently as I wanted to either. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I started trying to journal (and not being consistent with that either). Headphones broke, so I'm stuck in my living room to listen to music since my roommate is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder...

Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?

I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.

Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?

...

A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.

I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.

I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.

Until next time,
Kenneth