Insecurity = Pride?

I just changed the layout for blogger. I need to get used to it. It is interesting...I learned that I can look at the stats for my blog, and I did not realized that there had been 38 people viewing this blog in the last month (not sure if it counts myself though...). The peak in the last month was 18 views the day before my last two blog posts. I am surprised by that. Well, now that I got this out of the way, I can actually write something.

This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.

I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now.  Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.

I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?

Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?

Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.

"Everything that happens in your life is a direct result of how you see yourself compared to how God sees you." - Jake Lemmer

In the end, all these negative thoughts of myself, all these insecurities are there because I put them there or because I let them get to me. My parents can put pressure on me, but it is not their fault that I feel insecure. It is because I let the pressure hit me, so I am at fault for putting myself in that box. You could say that my parents are controlling myself in a way, but it is only because I am letting them. I need to give all that up to God instead. I cannot make choices if I am afraid of how my parents would think. By giving everything up to God, I can make choices.

Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.

Until next time,
Kenneth