Reasoning...or excuses? Also, thoughts on marriage...

Many times when I have to make decisions, I think of all the consequences or possible outcomes. Actually...that's true when I don't have to make decisions too. I usually call them my reasons for not doing things.

For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.

• I need to take summer classes in order to graduate on time.
• My parents may disown me if I went on a missions trip.
• I don't want to go for the wrong reasons like wanting to visit different places or being pressured to.
  
• If Spring Project instead, I feel like I need to spend more time with family because my mom thinks I do not love her.

I'm wondering if those are actually reasons or excuses. After all, I only have one more year of college, and these opportunities are almost impossible after I get a job.

I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:

• I only have one year of college left...is this a good idea?
• There is a lot of time and financial commitment...do I have the time? I also feel guilty using so much of my parents' money...
• Spring Quarter: I have trouble figuring out if I have the time when I know I will be super involved with BOTA.
• What are my reasons for wanting to join? I still can't even answer the question of what I could bring to AGO if I became a member...

There is probably more that I can't think of at the moment...

There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?

I don't have time.

In my mind, there are a LOT of reasons for me to not want to get into a relationship.

• Well...I don't have time as I said to my mom.
• I really want to be careful about this kind of thing.
• I feel like I should wait until God confirms to me and my future wife that we are going to be married.
• Through the above reason, I won't have had other relationships that would be an obstacle in my future relationship with my wife, nor would I be an obstacle in another girl's future relationship with her husband.
• I guess there might be somewhere deep inside my mind a fear of rejection like I have been in the past...even though I'm thankful for being rejected for the above reason.
• I don't think I am mature enough as a man.
• If I plan on marrying someone, how would I be able to support her or a family? How can I afford going on dates or even think about buying an engagement ring if I don't even have a job and rely on my parents' money?
• How do I know it's not just some random crush? I really think I'm not in a good position to ask anyone out...especially if I feel like there is a possibility I might have multiple crushes...

Honestly, that list could keep on going. Actually, any of those lists could keep on going. I convince myself that they are reasons, but what if some of them are excuses? Which ones are excuses? I ask this because there are times where I give certain people reasons for not doing certain things and they tell me that I'm just coming up with excuses. And I also find it sad that it is easier for me to come up with a list of "reasons" or "excuses" for why I don't date...

I also guess some of my reasons for not doing things would be out of rebelliousness. That is definitely not good when it comes to God. I used to reason with myself that I will marry a non-Asian because:

1. Before college, I've only had one crush that was Asian. All my other past crushes had been white or Latina.
2. My mom says I have to marry an Asian. I want to prove that there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.

However, I've realized that I can't be nitpicky about who I will marry in the future. Why? Because God already knows who I will marry in the future and I do not know. Whoever God has in mind could totally be Asian, and I would be rebelling against him by refusing to marry an Asian. By trying to show how judgmental my mom is about non-Asians, I am being judgmental myself. That is why the only thing I really require of my future wife is that she is in love with God more than me. It really does not matter what ethnicity my future wife is. And honestly, I should be more focused on growing myself so that I could be a good husband in the future instead. God is already working on my future wife, so I pray to God that he will help me grow as a man, that I can be a good husband and a good father in the future.

And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.

Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.

Until next time,
Kenneth