I don't read the Bible often enough. I lack any motivation or any plan. Sometimes I act out of selfishness. Sometimes I envy things, and sometimes I'm jealous. I wish my body was in better shape. I wish I was better at _____. Sometimes I can be narcissistic. I'm an attention seeker. I criticize myself or my thoughts. Those are probably only a tiny fraction of my flaws.
I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.
I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.
In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Discovering my identity in Him and other things I might be learning...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Where are my priorities?
What am I doing here? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't do better? Why do I make myself so busy that I fall asleep at places I shouldn't sleep at? What exactly am I trying to prove?
These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.
Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?
I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.
Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.
It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.
Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.
The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...
I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?
I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.
Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?
I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.
Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.
It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.
Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.
The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...
I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?
I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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