Those questions seem inevitable when people talk about how you seem to be happy all the time. It's even more noticeable when friends like Mac would speak up about it. Earlier this week, I was passing through the Jesus Burgers house from the prayer shed to go out when Mac asked why I would stop to just say hi and leave. He then commented on how everyone knows me, but they don't know much about me. He then started asking a bunch of questions I began to ponder because I have no idea how to answer them. Justin also asked some questions like "What does God love about you?" I'm sad to say I could not answer it beyond that he created me for a purpose. This week Pastor Jason even gave me a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I did not know what the book was about until just last night when I read the summary and started the first chapter. The summary points out this problem: "In a desperate attempt to make ourselves acceptable before God and others, we hide our true selves and present an impostor to the world--someone we hope will be accepted."
These two experiences in this last week along with some others pretty much hint that I might be trying to make myself someone else. To be honest, I haven't thought of myself as trying to be someone I'm not. When different people have been telling me that they feel like I'm hiding myself in order to fit in, I have to wonder whether I actually am.
While reading, there was a quote from The Beatitudes by Simon Tugwell that states, "And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like." When I tell my testimony to people, I usually tell them about how I've been slowly coming out of a shell I put myself in. I'm wondering if that was a lie to myself as well because I actually believe it.
One of the reasons I made this blog is to have some sort of a journal where I can see how I grow. Another reason for it is to reveal more about myself to people who are actually interested in coming here and reading. In a way, I'm trying to reveal who I actually am through written words if I fail at that when actually interacting with people. However, I find that I contradict myself when I want to say that one reason I don't have an actual journal is I'm afraid people might find it and read it without permission. If I even had a journal, I would basically be writing the same things I write in this blog. Now I'm just confusing myself... (Although to be completely honest, another reason is I'm too lazy to go buy a journal and make myself write in it). Sorry for going a bit off topic. The main point is you can figure out a lot about me just by reading my thoughts here.
I'm definitely open to whatever criticism you might have for me. I'm also open to you having questions about me. However, I feel like I will answer "I don't know" a lot because truthfully I actually don't know a lot about myself. I spent a lot of time watching TV or playing video games that I haven't really attempted to see who I am outside of those and what I am like with my social life.
Just a few days ago I wondered if I had any best friends. I know I have lots of friends I would consider close, but I'm not sure how to define "best" friend. I talked to Jordan about that four nights ago, and I talked to Amanda about it a few days ago. When I talked to Amanda, she talked about the difference between good friends you can always hang out with and best friends who you can go to about anything and you know won't abandon you even if you get into fights. I know I now have a lot of good friends I can hang out with, but I'm not sure if I have "best" friends. Sure there are a few people I feel comfortable going into certain details with about my life (and some of you even read this blog), but would they be considered my best friends if I don't know whether they see me the same way I see them? I don't remember a moment where anyone has approached me because they needed to vent about something they don't want completely out there. Maybe I'm being selfish when I say that...
As I read the second chapter of Abba's Child, it talks about how "the impostor cannot experience intimacy in any relationship". It goes more into detail by saying, "The false self has a highly skilled defensive radar whose purpose is to avoid feelings of rejection although sacrificing the need for intimacy." The reasons for that are because of repressed memories that create feelings of angry correction and implied abandonment and because of cowardice. It makes me question whether I'm a coward. It also says
the impostor "argues relentlessly that the root of the problem is minor and should be ignored, that 'mature' men and women would not get so upset over something so trivial, that one's equilibrium should be maintained even if it means placing unreasonable limits on personal hopes and dreams and accepting life in a diminished form."To tell you the truth, the block quote explained why I never really talked much about my testimony before this year. I've always been afraid that my testimony was not great and that it was nothing compared to other testimonies. I thought I would sound weak based on my testimony. However, after telling it to different people and even in groups I realized that it was not a weak testimony. I also realize that it is what made me who I am today and I should not regret it.
Just today I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. If you don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this paragraph. I'm not even sure if this scene was in the book or not since the movie apparently made a lot of changes. In the movie, Lucy struggled with her own self image and desired to look more like her sister Susan. From her desire to look more like Susan, Lucy steals a page from The Book of Incantations and later turns herself into Susan. In that sequence, she's back on Earth with her two brothers, but she notices that she is not around and her brothers knew nothing of Narnia. Lucy decides to be herself again, and Aslan appears to her in the mirror. Aslan tells her that she must not lack self-value because she is beautiful the way she is and that it was because of her that her siblings found Narnia. Much like Lucy, I need to realize that I also have value. I know that I have value, but I need to come to terms with it.
By the end of the second chapter of Abba's Child, it says,
"Hatred of the impostor is actually self-hatred. The impostor and I constitute one person...Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self."I should not be hating myself even if I don't like the fact that I could be pretending to be someone I'm not. To be truthful, I'm not sure if I am trying to be someone else, but a lot of things seem to point out that I am. Even a word I got from someone in Upper Room a few weeks back says something about me having to be more comfortable with my identity in Christ. I don't remember exactly what it says since it is back in my drawer in SB, but I might post it up when I go back if I feel the need to. I should accept that I might not be showing my true self a lot.
This time I'm going to use the Naruto manga as an example. If you don't want to be spoiled about it, I would recommend not reading this paragraph. Earlier this year Naruto started training to control the nine-tailed fox. One of his first challenges was to go to the Falls of Truth on the island he was being hidden on. While there, he encounters Dark Naruto in his thoughts. Dark Naruto exclaims that he is the manifestation of the hatred that existed in Naruto's heart. Dark Naruto then claims that he is the true Naruto while Naruto was an impostor. When Naruto goes back later, he learns to accept the dark part of him. Naruto states that he needed to have faith in himself to have the strength to live up to the trust of the villagers. When Dark Naruto asks about his own existence, Naruto tells him that he was really him and thanked him for pushing him to be the person he is now. When Dark Naruto tried to attack, Naruto hugged him instead and tells him that everything is going to be alright. Dark Naruto lets go of his anger at their past and disappears into Naruto. Naruto also had to deal with his own identity. He had to come to terms with who he had become.
I still have some growing to do. Although I'm sure I've been coming out of a shell since 8th grade, I think I still have to come out more. There are still some things I need to let go. As a way to challenge myself, I encourage you readers to ask me questions about myself if you want to get to know me better. I'll try to answer truthfully even if I feel uncomfortable. I need to grow more comfortable about talking about myself. If you can, find time to have one on one hang out times with me. I definitely love those and I feel like I'm a lot more open and talkative during them. Even Ryan Frank told me today that he feels I write a lot more and talk more during one on ones than when I'm in even a small group setting.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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