Guarding My Heart...

Desire for relationships...that's an issue I've struggled with since late elementary school. It's an issue I've always had a dread for. It's the one issue I try avoiding when I talk to people. The type of relationship I'm talking about here is the dating kind. Of course...I still have trouble answering questions when it comes to whether I have close friends or not, but that's not the point of this post. This is a post where I am making myself vulnerable by revealing bits and pieces of who I was and who I am trying not to be.

Why am I doing this when I have a final in 10 hours? Well...because I feel like I should do this. I hope that this is a way I could learn to open myself up more, to tear down the walls I put around myself, to come out of the shell I hid myself in and thought I came out of. It is a way to know that I won't be judged by the people who read this. I still have some fear about being judged, but I know that it should not matter. Why? Because no matter what, God will still love me for who I am. He knows my struggles, my fears, my insecurities, all the things about me that I would like to hide, but I can't hide a thing from Him.

With that said, I'm going to analyze my past and find out why I struggle with this issue. Prepare to be bored out of your mind by my long rant.

I grew up watching a lot of TV. My ideas of love came from cartoons or movies. I had high expectations for it. My first crush happened in 5th grade...

I moved to Japan for fifth grade. Went to an all boys international Catholic school. I took the bus which would always stop at the all girls school before going to my school. The bus picked up both guys and girls basically. There was one girl at my bus stop I found attractive. Of course, I was very young then, and my thoughts on it were based on what I saw on TV...it's quite ridiculous now that I look back on it. Well being the ridiculous 11 year old I was at the time, I revealed it to her. Pretty soon, she told all her friends, and it caused a whole bunch of drama I'm not a fan of. If you have ever heard my testimony, you now know where part of it comes from.

Anyways, by the end of sixth grade I was over it. People still made fun of me for it through seventh grade. Afterward I tried asking one more person out and got rejected. By then I made the decision never to reveal to anyone who I ever had a crush on, and I made sure to close myself up so much just so people would never find out that kind of information. It was part of why I became so quiet in eighth grade.

My crushes usually lasted about two years. They lasted shorter as I got older. In high school I struggled with having crushes, but avoided asking them out due to fear of being rejected...out of a fear of what happened in middle school would repeat. I basically had an idea that anyone I asked out would reject me, so the only two "dates" I went on were to dances as friends...do those even count as dates?

Anyways, there was only one period I remember not having a crush on anyone. It was from last spring to the middle of this summer. I felt a lot of freedom when that occurred. However, near the end of summer, I realized I was struggling with it again.

By now, my attitude changed from fear of rejection to knowing I'm not ready for a relationship with a girl. How did this happen? Well I became more comfortable with my identity in Christ, and I realize I need to place Him first. I don't want relationships to be a stumbling block. Of course, even liking someone can make me stumble, but I need to constantly remind myself that this would be horrible timing to seek a relationship with a person. If I'm ever going to get into a relationship, I want it to be one that is centered around Christ, one where we build each other in our relationship with Him. I want to make sure that God is pointing us in the direction of marriage. Otherwise, it would be pointless to even date her. Seeing how I feel in certain situations, I realize that I am far from ready when it comes to getting into a relationship. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I need to set my priorities straight.

Dear reader, if you ever notice me stumbling in that area and you feel I need to stay away from a certain person, I encourage you to tell me so. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to guarding my heart. For now...

Until next time,
Kenneth