INFP...Healer and Idealist

I am an INFP...at least according to a personality test I took. What does it mean? It means I'm an Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, and Perceiver. According to some sources, only 1% of the population is an INFP. That makes me unique compared to most people. Seeing that statistic helped me realize God made me so different from most people for a reason.

According to an app on facebook:

In general, INFPs focus deeply on their values, and they devote their lives to pursuing the ideal. They often draw people together around a common purpose and work to find a place for each person within the group. They are creative, and they seek new ideas and possibilities. They quietly push for what is important to them, and they rarely give up. While they have a gentleness about them, and a delightful sense of humor, they may be somewhat difficult to get to know and may be overlooked by others. They are at their best making their world more in line with their internal vision of perfection.

I don't know if that accurately describes me, but when it does into detail about each part, I think it's pretty accurate about myself. I'm 35% in the direction of introversion. "Introverts are more reserved, quiet, and contemplative than most. While they enjoy socializing, they also can become absorbed in private thought and enjoy time alone." I'm 74% in the direction of intuitiveness which focuses more on the big picture and overlook the details. People see me as absent-minded when I notice more than they think. Also, "They enjoy considering the ways people or ideas are connected." I'm 3% feeler, which means I'm caring, supportive, and appreciative. I also prefer to cooperate than argue. I can see why I'm only 3% when I tend to think a lot as well. Finally, I'm 75% in the direction of perceiving.

People who are clearly Perceivers lead a flexible, spontaneous lifestyle and avoid making definite plans whenever possible. They get excited by starting something new but find it difficult to finish. They see all sides of every situation, so much so that it is often unclear to them what's "right". When faced with a decision, they will put it off for as long as possible in order to consider all their options. Even once the decision is made, they often second guess themselves.

Personally, I find these descriptions pretty accurate.

As one group on a website says:

As INFP's we are idealists, dreamers, healers and romantics! Some might say we view life through 'rose colored glasses'. We have a rare capacity for deep caring and commitment, both to people and causes we believe in. Often others view us as reserved and cool when inwardly we experience life very intensely! We never seem to lose our sense of wonder and sometimes we may feel as if we have been imported from another galaxy!

Yeah...I feel that is accurate as well.

Reading through a discussion topic of people who are all INFP, I find myself very similar to them. We find that most people cannot understand us. We constantly seek self-improvement, are into self-exploration, are critical of ourselves, and we went to be organized in some ways. We can be seen as perfectionists, so we end up with high expectations. We can also be described by others as "chameleons", which means we can blend in with any group. I guess that's why I never really got into a clique. It's hard for us to get into small talk because we feel like it's not worth our time. I have an easier time getting started on things than ending things, but I still tend to save it for later in case I decide to change my mind.

When it comes to seeing the big picture over the minute detail...I definitely see that when I organized a hangout for my birthday but didn't actually decide what we would do until the last minute. I guess the fact that I feel so different from most people is also why I try to participate in everything and hang out with people, which sort of makes me extroverted at times. However, it still makes me use energy to do that instead of getting energy sometimes. As one Canadian says, "INFP is a tremendous mixture of melancholy, beauty and boundless innocence and wonder..." I find that to be quite accurate. The thing about falling in love easily also happens, but that's where my thinking process comes in and says no...either that or the perfectionist side. But then, someone describes INFP as loving "EVERYONE WITH SUCH FERVENT PASSION". I find that hilarious, but true about myself.

INFP people also tend to find people's conversations shallow...which perfectly explains why I have trouble getting into conversations. We usually find them meaningless. It could also be because we find it easier to communicate our emotions and thoughts through writing than actually speaking. I definitely go through that with my blog. It's easier for me to describe what I'm going through with this than actually talking.

Not only is it hard for people to completely understand me, I also have trouble understanding myself. I found it interesting when another INFP said he experienced that. I'm a daydreamer, always thinking, always analyzing, and I am organized in some areas but not in others. I love art and creativity, which can be seen in my love of animation and the fact that I see video games as a form of art. We see potential in humanity, but also recognize the reality and value of suffering.

There's more to it than what I have, but I feel like it's sufficient for now. I also must let you know that a lot of the descriptions are taking from other people's posts in a discussion topic. One guy criticized us for being narcissists. Writing all this about myself makes me feel like one, and you should know I hate feeling like I'm a narcissist. However, I do feel like I can relate to a lot of what other INFPs say.

This is not to say the description of an INFP completely describes me. There's probably more to myself that these results cannot say. It does give a basic idea of who I am though. It makes me wonder how this all fits into whatever plan God has for me. It's awesome to know we have a Dad who loves us for who we are.

In the past I would put a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me. I would think people hated me when in reality they probably didn't. There are plenty of INFP people who think that. In fact, we are the people who everyone seems to like but don't care about hanging out with. I still think a lot of people don't care about me even though I KNOW that is not the case. Even knowing that I have a lot of amazing friends who care about me, I know that my God is an all powerful God who loves me even when I do not deserve it. With all the pessimism I have of myself as an INFP, it's great to know my Daddy loves me just the way I am.

Dear reader, I hope this post enlightens you more about who I am, and I hope it encourages you in knowing that your heavenly daddy loves you the way you are and made you perfectly as you are. I also hope that you don't think I'm trying to hide my identity from anyone. I am the way I am because I was made that way.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

As a final note, I think it would be an interesting topic to know what type of person you are.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Patience...

Aah patience...it's something I have sometimes while at other times I don't have it. Sometimes I wonder how it works. How is it that I can spend so much time during breaks to catch legendary Pokemon only to soft reset and try again when I do not get the right nature and individual values? Actually, I don't have the patience. I end up multitasking with facebook or watching TV while I play Pokemon. I also eventually give up and settle with mediocre individual values because I'm sure it would take forever before I can get amazing ones.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, for one I definitely need more patience in other aspects. I show up to things early because I am impatient and do not want to be late. I need patience when I do my homework or reading because I tend to skim when I read or procrastinate when I study or write papers. I do not analyze more thoroughly when I decide to read a chapter from the Bible to understand what the text says. I do not have patience when I'm told to help my younger brother with his homework while I'm at home. I tend to check the time a lot. I finish my food quickly. By now I probably gave more than enough examples...

I definitely need more patience when it comes to talking with my mom. It's something I realized while I have been at home. I find it difficult to listen to my mom speak when I feel like she's too controlling. I realize her way of showing love is to tell me what to do because she feels that she knows what is best for me, but all it does is make me feel stressed or uncomfortable about my own image. She has all these hopes of me going to Berkeley for grad school right after I finish undergrad at UCSB, so she expects me to spend my summer doing an internship or go to summer school while I would prefer to go on summer project or be a part of a prayer ministry. She used to tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Now that I have lost some weight, she tells me that the way I dress is ugly and it looks like I'm going to a funeral everyday. Then she would tell me that she only says this because she wants me to be able to find a girlfriend and that I will never get married if I wear black t-shirts or weigh as much as I do. Anything she finds about me as a "flaw", she will immediately blame it on the fact that I go to church.

1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. If I try to speak my thoughts calmly, she gets mad and I feel impatient. Does that mean I do not love my mom? I hope not. Maybe taking in all the hits then ranting about it later to others is not the best way in being patient. The only way I feel like I can please my mom is by trying to obey her as much as I can. It may be why I made an effort to lose weight in the first place by eating less when I was at school. I guess one of the ways I deal with all the stress my mom puts on me is having more patience in playing video games. It maybe why I'm online all the time when I'm at home.

This impatience may have also been put into my time with God. Sometimes I do have patience and can spend a couple hours in the prayer room. However, sometimes I still spend a little bit of time in prayer and then leave. My thoughts may wander elsewhere. I feel like I may be in a dry season where I don't feel like I'm spending enough time with God. I have to constantly remind myself that He loves me unconditionally and that I don't have to make an effort to please Him. It's funny how I feel like I don't have enough patience sometimes.

Dear reader, I would like you to pray for me, that I may have more patience at this time. I need it to live with all the criticism I get from my mom. I also need it to continue seeking to make my relationship with God deeper. That is all for now.

Kenneth

True Self?

I'm not going to lie when I say sometimes I wonder if I lie to myself. Is what I tell myself who I really am or have I lied to myself so much that I don't know the difference between a mask and reality? Have the walls I put around myself years ago been going away or are they still there but less noticeable to myself?

Those questions seem inevitable when people talk about how you seem to be happy all the time. It's even more noticeable when friends like Mac would speak up about it. Earlier this week, I was passing through the Jesus Burgers house from the prayer shed to go out when Mac asked why I would stop to just say hi and leave. He then commented on how everyone knows me, but they don't know much about me. He then started asking a bunch of questions I began to ponder because I have no idea how to answer them. Justin also asked some questions like "What does God love about you?" I'm sad to say I could not answer it beyond that he created me for a purpose. This week Pastor Jason even gave me a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I did not know what the book was about until just last night when I read the summary and started the first chapter. The summary points out this problem: "In a desperate attempt to make ourselves acceptable before God and others, we hide our true selves and present an impostor to the world--someone we hope will be accepted."

These two experiences in this last week along with some others pretty much hint that I might be trying to make myself someone else. To be honest, I haven't thought of myself as trying to be someone I'm not. When different people have been telling me that they feel like I'm hiding myself in order to fit in, I have to wonder whether I actually am.

While reading, there was a quote from The Beatitudes by Simon Tugwell that states, "And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like." When I tell my testimony to people, I usually tell them about how I've been slowly coming out of a shell I put myself in. I'm wondering if that was a lie to myself as well because I actually believe it.

One of the reasons I made this blog is to have some sort of a journal where I can see how I grow. Another reason for it is to reveal more about myself to people who are actually interested in coming here and reading. In a way, I'm trying to reveal who I actually am through written words if I fail at that when actually interacting with people. However, I find that I contradict myself when I want to say that one reason I don't have an actual journal is I'm afraid people might find it and read it without permission. If I even had a journal, I would basically be writing the same things I write in this blog. Now I'm just confusing myself... (Although to be completely honest, another reason is I'm too lazy to go buy a journal and make myself write in it). Sorry for going a bit off topic. The main point is you can figure out a lot about me just by reading my thoughts here.

I'm definitely open to whatever criticism you might have for me. I'm also open to you having questions about me. However, I feel like I will answer "I don't know" a lot because truthfully I actually don't know a lot about myself. I spent a lot of time watching TV or playing video games that I haven't really attempted to see who I am outside of those and what I am like with my social life.

Just a few days ago I wondered if I had any best friends. I know I have lots of friends I would consider close, but I'm not sure how to define "best" friend. I talked to Jordan about that four nights ago, and I talked to Amanda about it a few days ago. When I talked to Amanda, she talked about the difference between good friends you can always hang out with and best friends who you can go to about anything and you know won't abandon you even if you get into fights. I know I now have a lot of good friends I can hang out with, but I'm not sure if I have "best" friends. Sure there are a few people I feel comfortable going into certain details with about my life (and some of you even read this blog), but would they be considered my best friends if I don't know whether they see me the same way I see them? I don't remember a moment where anyone has approached me because they needed to vent about something they don't want completely out there. Maybe I'm being selfish when I say that...

As I read the second chapter of Abba's Child, it talks about how "the impostor cannot experience intimacy in any relationship". It goes more into detail by saying, "The false self has a highly skilled defensive radar whose purpose is to avoid feelings of rejection although sacrificing the need for intimacy." The reasons for that are because of repressed memories that create feelings of angry correction and implied abandonment and because of cowardice. It makes me question whether I'm a coward. It also says

the impostor "argues relentlessly that the root of the problem is minor and should be ignored, that 'mature' men and women would not get so upset over something so trivial, that one's equilibrium should be maintained even if it means placing unreasonable limits on personal hopes and dreams and accepting life in a diminished form."

To tell you the truth, the block quote explained why I never really talked much about my testimony before this year. I've always been afraid that my testimony was not great and that it was nothing compared to other testimonies. I thought I would sound weak based on my testimony. However, after telling it to different people and even in groups I realized that it was not a weak testimony. I also realize that it is what made me who I am today and I should not regret it.

Just today I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. If you don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this paragraph. I'm not even sure if this scene was in the book or not since the movie apparently made a lot of changes. In the movie, Lucy struggled with her own self image and desired to look more like her sister Susan. From her desire to look more like Susan, Lucy steals a page from The Book of Incantations and later turns herself into Susan. In that sequence, she's back on Earth with her two brothers, but she notices that she is not around and her brothers knew nothing of Narnia. Lucy decides to be herself again, and Aslan appears to her in the mirror. Aslan tells her that she must not lack self-value because she is beautiful the way she is and that it was because of her that her siblings found Narnia. Much like Lucy, I need to realize that I also have value. I know that I have value, but I need to come to terms with it.

By the end of the second chapter of Abba's Child, it says,

"Hatred of the impostor is actually self-hatred. The impostor and I constitute one person...Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self."

I should not be hating myself even if I don't like the fact that I could be pretending to be someone I'm not. To be truthful, I'm not sure if I am trying to be someone else, but a lot of things seem to point out that I am. Even a word I got from someone in Upper Room a few weeks back says something about me having to be more comfortable with my identity in Christ. I don't remember exactly what it says since it is back in my drawer in SB, but I might post it up when I go back if I feel the need to. I should accept that I might not be showing my true self a lot.

This time I'm going to use the Naruto manga as an example. If you don't want to be spoiled about it, I would recommend not reading this paragraph. Earlier this year Naruto started training to control the nine-tailed fox. One of his first challenges was to go to the Falls of Truth on the island he was being hidden on. While there, he encounters Dark Naruto in his thoughts. Dark Naruto exclaims that he is the manifestation of the hatred that existed in Naruto's heart. Dark Naruto then claims that he is the true Naruto while Naruto was an impostor. When Naruto goes back later, he learns to accept the dark part of him. Naruto states that he needed to have faith in himself to have the strength to live up to the trust of the villagers. When Dark Naruto asks about his own existence, Naruto tells him that he was really him and thanked him for pushing him to be the person he is now. When Dark Naruto tried to attack, Naruto hugged him instead and tells him that everything is going to be alright. Dark Naruto lets go of his anger at their past and disappears into Naruto. Naruto also had to deal with his own identity. He had to come to terms with who he had become.

I still have some growing to do. Although I'm sure I've been coming out of a shell since 8th grade, I think I still have to come out more. There are still some things I need to let go. As a way to challenge myself, I encourage you readers to ask me questions about myself if you want to get to know me better. I'll try to answer truthfully even if I feel uncomfortable. I need to grow more comfortable about talking about myself. If you can, find time to have one on one hang out times with me. I definitely love those and I feel like I'm a lot more open and talkative during them. Even Ryan Frank told me today that he feels I write a lot more and talk more during one on ones than when I'm in even a small group setting.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Guarding My Heart...

Desire for relationships...that's an issue I've struggled with since late elementary school. It's an issue I've always had a dread for. It's the one issue I try avoiding when I talk to people. The type of relationship I'm talking about here is the dating kind. Of course...I still have trouble answering questions when it comes to whether I have close friends or not, but that's not the point of this post. This is a post where I am making myself vulnerable by revealing bits and pieces of who I was and who I am trying not to be.

Why am I doing this when I have a final in 10 hours? Well...because I feel like I should do this. I hope that this is a way I could learn to open myself up more, to tear down the walls I put around myself, to come out of the shell I hid myself in and thought I came out of. It is a way to know that I won't be judged by the people who read this. I still have some fear about being judged, but I know that it should not matter. Why? Because no matter what, God will still love me for who I am. He knows my struggles, my fears, my insecurities, all the things about me that I would like to hide, but I can't hide a thing from Him.

With that said, I'm going to analyze my past and find out why I struggle with this issue. Prepare to be bored out of your mind by my long rant.

I grew up watching a lot of TV. My ideas of love came from cartoons or movies. I had high expectations for it. My first crush happened in 5th grade...

I moved to Japan for fifth grade. Went to an all boys international Catholic school. I took the bus which would always stop at the all girls school before going to my school. The bus picked up both guys and girls basically. There was one girl at my bus stop I found attractive. Of course, I was very young then, and my thoughts on it were based on what I saw on TV...it's quite ridiculous now that I look back on it. Well being the ridiculous 11 year old I was at the time, I revealed it to her. Pretty soon, she told all her friends, and it caused a whole bunch of drama I'm not a fan of. If you have ever heard my testimony, you now know where part of it comes from.

Anyways, by the end of sixth grade I was over it. People still made fun of me for it through seventh grade. Afterward I tried asking one more person out and got rejected. By then I made the decision never to reveal to anyone who I ever had a crush on, and I made sure to close myself up so much just so people would never find out that kind of information. It was part of why I became so quiet in eighth grade.

My crushes usually lasted about two years. They lasted shorter as I got older. In high school I struggled with having crushes, but avoided asking them out due to fear of being rejected...out of a fear of what happened in middle school would repeat. I basically had an idea that anyone I asked out would reject me, so the only two "dates" I went on were to dances as friends...do those even count as dates?

Anyways, there was only one period I remember not having a crush on anyone. It was from last spring to the middle of this summer. I felt a lot of freedom when that occurred. However, near the end of summer, I realized I was struggling with it again.

By now, my attitude changed from fear of rejection to knowing I'm not ready for a relationship with a girl. How did this happen? Well I became more comfortable with my identity in Christ, and I realize I need to place Him first. I don't want relationships to be a stumbling block. Of course, even liking someone can make me stumble, but I need to constantly remind myself that this would be horrible timing to seek a relationship with a person. If I'm ever going to get into a relationship, I want it to be one that is centered around Christ, one where we build each other in our relationship with Him. I want to make sure that God is pointing us in the direction of marriage. Otherwise, it would be pointless to even date her. Seeing how I feel in certain situations, I realize that I am far from ready when it comes to getting into a relationship. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I need to set my priorities straight.

Dear reader, if you ever notice me stumbling in that area and you feel I need to stay away from a certain person, I encourage you to tell me so. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to guarding my heart. For now...

Until next time,
Kenneth

Letter to Future Children...

Dear child of mine in the future,

You must think this is weird that I'm writing a letter to you when I'm still in my second year of college and don't even know if I have met your mother yet. I hope you are doing well in whatever you are doing right now. I wonder what your name(s) will be. Right now I hope you are either called Ryan or Lucas if you are a boy, or Kim or Michele if you are a girl...as long as your mom doesn't have different ideas for your names. I think Ilana would be an awesome name as well if you are a girl. Well, you would already have your names by the time you read this anyways.

I would really like to encourage you right now. My hope is that you are actively seeking the Lord, but I know I can't force that upon you. I'm definitely going to pray about that for you.

It is my hope that I treat you well. If you see me acting in ways I shouldn't be, I hope you are correcting me in my ways. If you are going through struggles, I pray that you would feel comfortable in approaching me about them...or you can talk to your mom too if you feel more comfortable doing that. I want you to know that I'm not perfect and that I do go through my own struggles. You may ask me about them sometime and I'm sure I would be willing to answer. I hope I can support you in ways that would help you.

Know that whatever decisions you make in the future, I will always love you. I know this isn't much, but it's all I can think about writing for now. I'll definitely be seeing you around.

Love,
Kenneth

Dreams...

Dreams are interesting topics to talk about. The one I'm talking about now refers to the ones you have in your sleep...not your hopes for the future. Sometimes you can have completely random dreams that take elements of recent happenings, and sometimes God can totally speak to you through dreams. Sometimes you can even be spiritually attacked in dreams.

I feel like the dreams I usually get are the ones where I have no idea what is going on or the bad dreams I have. The ones where I have no idea what goes on usually involves me running around an imagined city with elements from Tokyo or an imagined multiple story shopping center...and there was even one in a luxurious hotel of sorts. I never understood those dreams...I either run from something or I am searching for I have no idea what. Sometimes I would even hop onto a train to go from one part of the city to another.

There are also those dreams I remember because I'm about to die in those dreams. These range from being chased by a T-Rex as a child only to run into a Vietnamese noodle shop to eat, or when I was in 4th grade, I had a dream where I hear about a baby tiger escaping from the zoo. For some reason the baby tiger found it's way to the room I was hiding in, and my brother pushed me out of our hiding spot under a blanket. Then it started eating my leg...Sometime in junior high or high school I even had a dream where I was protecting a deck of "magical cards" from the mafia and they chased me around until they eventually shot me while I was running uphill. I actually felt the pain of a bullet going into my leg in my sleep...

Then there are ones that seem to be prophetic. I remember when I was in 10th or 11th grade, I had a dream where one of my best friends got liver cancer. She dies in that dream and it really saddened me. The next day, I find out a schoolmate whose last name sounds the same as my friend's first name had liver cancer. He no longer has it now, and I'm sure he's having an awesome time with his life now.

Then a couple nights ago around 5AM, I had this really freaky dream. I was talking to a friend of mine about Disney movies for some reason, and we mentioned Monsters Inc. All of a sudden, she starts shivering or shuddering, and I ask what was wrong. She said everything was fine. Then we continued talking and I noticed she was shuddering even more. I asked if she needed help with anything, and she yells "NO". She eventually falls over, so I offer to help her back up. At this point, she yells at me to stay away from her. It was totally freaky for me, and I was kind of scared. Whenever I would approach her, she would yell in a high pitched voice. I thought it was a demonic attack of sorts, but I remembered that Jesus' name has power. I then stretched my right arm forward and said, "In Jesus' name, leave her." At this point, my "vision" of the dream becomes blurry, so I repeat, "In Jesus' name, leave." Right as I said it the second time, I wake up to notice I was saying it out loud.

It's the most recent dream I remember, and I felt it could be an attack. It could also be a message to be interpreted like my friend did for me yesterday in the afternoon. Whatever the case, I started praying protection over her and myself right after having it. I should probably start remembering to write down more dreams.

Comment your thoughts about dreams or even write down any you have had recently that you are fine sharing.

Until next time,
Kenneth