What I Learned My First Year of UCSB...And Other Lamenting About God's Plan

Hey guys,

So anyone who attended the last worship night before the end of Spring Quarter knows that on the last minute I tried to talk about what I've learned this year. I was probably confusing because I spoke too fast and did not organize it well enough. There were also a lot of detail I forgot to mention that was actually in my head before I spoke, so I'm going to write about it in this post.

So this year, I've been learning to trust God's timing more. I found myself trying to get myself involved in lots of things out of my own will. For example, I tried rushing for AGO twice and applied for Summer Project. Unfortunately I couldn't pledge AGO by myself and Chris Comstock didn't feel I was ready for Summer Project. As I thought back to them, I realize I chose to try out for them because other people were doing them. I didn't really pray much about making those decisions when I decided to do them. When I think back, I know I was probably not ready for those if I end up doing them at all in the future.

For example, when I was a pledge for AGO, a question they always asked was something like "What can you contribute to AGO". That's a question I still don't know the answer to. If I replace "AGO" with anything else, I'm still not sure what I can contribute. It's something I know I should pray about more often.

Jeremiah 29:11 had been my favorite verse in high school, but I'm discovering that I still need to trust God more with his plans for me instead of me having to go out and do things on my own. I guess that's why I feel disappointment not getting into AGO, not getting into summer project, or not being a leader in some team or something. I guess the last part is more of a selfish wish of sorts. I need to have more faith in God, and trust that he is leading me.

I also learned to love others more. Back home, I lived in more of a bubble, but coming to UCSB, I get to meet many people from different backgrounds. As much as I served others back home, I probably did more by going to Jesus Burgers many weekends or by being a part of Jesus Loves IV week. Through these, I got to hear more about people's lives...

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And the section above was written the night after the last worship night a few weeks ago with some minor changes and additions...then I got distracted with my papers and put off doing them until now. Honestly, I was still struggling with coming up with things to write about. I kind of still am.

Coming back home, I realize how unproductive I am here. I spent most of it so far playing Smash Bros or Pokemon, or I would be on facebook. Granted, I did go out a couple times...for Eric William's grad party where I got to see friends here and once to take my little bro to his tennis tournament in Santa Cruz. There's just a lot more to do down in Santa Barbara...

I wish I could go on summer project, but alas, I did not get into one. I probably would not be ready for it anyways. I feel like I really need to grow spiritually more before I can take on responsibilities like that. There's also the fact that sometimes I think I rely too much on friends and not enough on God. I think it's because people are more tangible, so I can understand them and hear them easier. I really need to get myself into some quiet time or something. There's a lot I can grow in.

I guess it's also because I'm afraid of challenges or taking risks. Granted, if it was for fun and games, I would usually be up for it, and I can get quite competitive. However, when it's something that can significantly impact my life, many times I find myself unsure about whether it's worth it. I guess I don't pray about that enough either.

The thing I find hardest to do is oppose my parents...specifically my mom. Every time I mention wanting to do something that opposes her wish for me, she'll threaten me in some way like saying she'll kick me out of the house with nothing and have me live on the streets. That's the threat she used when I tried applying to APU my senior year of high school, and it's the same threat she used whenever I mentioned I want to major in film. My brother tells me it's an empty threat, and if it does happen, I should trust in God and know he'll provide. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I am kicked out, I end up having nowhere to go. I would not be able to go back to UCSB on my own, nor would I be able to pay for my own education. Ergo, I would not be able to be with the community of friends I made down there, whether it would be Real Life family, AGO/ADX, or Epic ohana...also if I ended up living with friends here, I would feel like I'm a parasite taking advantage of them and not being able to do anything in return.

I guess I'm afraid God won't provide when I know he does. I also think I cling too much on human relationships as well...that I feel a need to be loved by people when all I really need is God's love. I should also think of people who are in tougher situations than me. For example, Anmarie no longer lives with her dad because her step mom hates her, yet she's able to get financial support and pay on her own to attend UCSB. If she's able to do that, why can't I? Then I think about how I never had my own job or have my own bank account, and I rationalize that I would not be able to support myself if my mom were to kick me out of the house for doing something against her wishes.

I must question myself about the things I want to do as well. Are they all a part of God's plan, or are they just my own wishes that would probably never happen? How would I know what God has planned for me? That is why I'm afraid to change my major from pre-econ into something else that I would enjoy, why I'm afraid to take risks.

I guess I'm still looking for my identity in God. During Eric's grad party, Matt Phipps told me he felt moved by God to tell me that I'm in the process of discovering myself and I may not know that. I know that I'm growing, but if I were to be asked how, I would not know the answer. God is probably moving me right in front of my eyes, and I do not see what is going on.

I still need to take Jeremiah 29:11 into heart when it comes to God's plan for me. I worry about this so much when He probably has it under control. I may write another post about how different people had make an impact in my first year at UCSB. For now, I am tired of writing. Until next time...

Kenneth

Making an Impact

Hello reader,

So I did not actually plan on writing a post today, but I was on facebook and a status got me thinking. The status was a quote that said:

"We look into mirrors but we only see the effects of our times on us - not our effects on others." -Pearl Bailey

This quote just got me thinking "Have I ever effected anyone significantly?" I'm not sure how to answer that question because I can't remember an occasion where someone told me I made a significant impact in their life. I'm also thinking maybe I'm selfish for wanting to make an impact in someone's life, but I'm not sure if it is. The only things I remember doing are the small things in life.

I know I cannot make an impact on my own. Only through God who strengthens me can I make an impact. This makes me wonder how God has been using me. At this moment, I'm not really sure. Right now, I'm thinking about a few weeks ago when I was at Jesus Burgers. A freshman from FT showed up drunk and was trying to talk to Daniel H. and I. During their conversation, I was mostly just listening. I felt the conversation was getting nowhere because they kept interrupting each other with their own views. After a while, the guy left the area Daniel was giving burgers to. When I decided to go upstairs, the drunk guy came up to me and started talking. He said all he wanted to do was give advice about how we should run Jesus Burgers because he felt that we try to force Christianity on him. The only thing I could do was listen because I did not know how to answer to him. Then he tried asking me questions I was not sure how to answer. I felt more comfortable once Katie Klezek showed up and started talking to him as well.

When I think back on that incident, all I can think is I only listened to what he had to say. It makes me wonder if it affected him in any way. I felt that I could have done more than just listen. Maybe I was trying to do it by myself at the time. I feel I could have asked God to help me more than I actually did. I cannot do anything about that now.

What are your thoughts on this? Have I affected anyone in a big way? Am I being egotistical for wanting to make an impact?

I need to pray to God about this. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I feel if I prayed to God more often about using me, maybe I would be able to do more.

Anyways, thanks for reading this. Until next time...

Kenneth

My first non-intro post...relationships?

Hey anyone who happens to read this,

This is a topic that has been in my mind since I have no idea when. If you know me, you know I never been in one and I'm sure no one can imagine me ever getting into one. To some people, it may not be a surprise if I had a crush on someone while to many it may not be very obvious. It's because I try not to show any attraction to girls, but that can backfire at times. It is something I struggle with a lot, but at the same time, I find other things to keep my mind off it. I won't be mentioning names in order to keep people's privacy.

The trouble with this might have started back in Japan. I had a crush on some girl, and I became obsessed in a way. It became sort of self-destructive in a way. I found out she had a boyfriend, and then I tried to forget ever liking her. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people figured it out and I was made fun of a lot for it. Afterward, I've been rejected by any girl I found myself attracted to, yet people still made fun of me for that first one. Eventually I got over it...she was mean to me anyways. Still, it impacted me in a way because it really made me negative about relationships, about life, and it set up a lot of barriers I have been trying to take down in the last five years.

After 7th grade, I've been afraid to ask girls out because I figure they will probably reject me. If I think back now, I was too young for that kind of stuff anyways. As time passes and I get older, it became more like I never felt ready to get into one.

Just today, I left a message for my mom wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. After some talking about how I found out about the day, she decides to ask me if I have a girlfriend yet. Obviously I answered no, just like the many times she has asked me since I entered college. She still asks me why, and since I figure she'll never understand my reason, I tell her it's because I'm happy with just having friends. That is one of the main reasons I don't want to get into a relationship. I figured I would spend a lot less time with friends if I ever got into one. I also still figure girls will say no anyways.

Another reason would be I know I'm not ready to get into one yet. I think that if I do, it would be for the wrong reasons. There's so many areas I need to grow in before I should start thinking about it. For example, I feel I should place God higher up on my priority list. It has been something I've been working on for a while. I still feel that I should work more on that.

Even with some good reasons not to date, I still find myself attracted to some girls. It's something I will probably continue struggling with for a long time, but I'm trying to work on not thinking about it too much. It's also strange when I see so many couples already engaged and getting married in the summer. A small part of me maybe envious, which I should not be, and it also makes me think "I could totally be engaged in three years and not know about it now!" Of course, I don't know who I'm going to marry in the future. I just have to put my trust in God with that. Jeremiah 29:11, although used often, is the verse I go to with this.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Even if I feel some pressure from family or I see lots of happy couples, I know it is not my time yet. I also know I'm not ready for it. I'll wait patiently until God's plan unravels, and hopefully I will be ready by then. For now, I'm just going to live life like it is.

Thanks for reading this if you actually read the whole way through...you might be laughing at how ridiculous the whole post is, or you may actually sympathize with me. I'm not sure. Hope to update again sometime in the future!

Kenneth

The Opening for This Blog...an Introduction

As you can tell, I'm not great at creating titles. I've been thinking about creating a separate blog that would dwell more in my mind and connect more to God for the last year, but I was always too lazy to take the initiative. If you looked at my other blog which I will now only use to talk about things happening more on the outside, you can tell I RARELY update. I'm sure the same will happen for this. To explain why I created this, I hope to learn to open myself more as well as discover who I am in God's eyes. If you are going to read this blog, I bet you would either find this very cheesy or hopefully it may open your mind as well to learn more about me. Now, to start this off...

My name is Kenneth. I'm a student at UCSB and came to God when I was in eighth grade. To summarize my testimony, I've had some hard experiences living in Japan from 5th to 7th grade where I tried fitting in with the wrong crowd, doing some stupid stuff in the process (though thankfully not drinking alcohol or taking drugs), and was bullied while trying to remain oblivious to it. Of course, I met some cool people and experienced cool things, but it was the toughest part of my life. In fact, some of you might think of me as a loser for not really taking it as a man, but I'm going to say what may not be really bad for you can be terrible for me. Anyways, I moved back to California when I entered eighth grade. I got invited to Bible study during lunch as well as youth group and youth convention. Things started going uphill from there and I learned that God wanted to have a personal relationship with me. Sometimes my walk starts going really high and sometimes it feels like I'm not going anywhere. I'm trying to improve this and learn more about God which I have mentioned lots of times already.

Now that the short testimony is over, I hope anyone who decides to continue reading my blog (if I ever update) to hopefully enjoy it and maybe learn from it or help me with my walk.

This concludes my first post which I'll start a different topic with my next one...