Reasoning...or excuses? Also, thoughts on marriage...

Many times when I have to make decisions, I think of all the consequences or possible outcomes. Actually...that's true when I don't have to make decisions too. I usually call them my reasons for not doing things.

For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.

• I need to take summer classes in order to graduate on time.
• My parents may disown me if I went on a missions trip.
• I don't want to go for the wrong reasons like wanting to visit different places or being pressured to.
  
• If Spring Project instead, I feel like I need to spend more time with family because my mom thinks I do not love her.

I'm wondering if those are actually reasons or excuses. After all, I only have one more year of college, and these opportunities are almost impossible after I get a job.

I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:

• I only have one year of college left...is this a good idea?
• There is a lot of time and financial commitment...do I have the time? I also feel guilty using so much of my parents' money...
• Spring Quarter: I have trouble figuring out if I have the time when I know I will be super involved with BOTA.
• What are my reasons for wanting to join? I still can't even answer the question of what I could bring to AGO if I became a member...

There is probably more that I can't think of at the moment...

There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?

I don't have time.

In my mind, there are a LOT of reasons for me to not want to get into a relationship.

• Well...I don't have time as I said to my mom.
• I really want to be careful about this kind of thing.
• I feel like I should wait until God confirms to me and my future wife that we are going to be married.
• Through the above reason, I won't have had other relationships that would be an obstacle in my future relationship with my wife, nor would I be an obstacle in another girl's future relationship with her husband.
• I guess there might be somewhere deep inside my mind a fear of rejection like I have been in the past...even though I'm thankful for being rejected for the above reason.
• I don't think I am mature enough as a man.
• If I plan on marrying someone, how would I be able to support her or a family? How can I afford going on dates or even think about buying an engagement ring if I don't even have a job and rely on my parents' money?
• How do I know it's not just some random crush? I really think I'm not in a good position to ask anyone out...especially if I feel like there is a possibility I might have multiple crushes...

Honestly, that list could keep on going. Actually, any of those lists could keep on going. I convince myself that they are reasons, but what if some of them are excuses? Which ones are excuses? I ask this because there are times where I give certain people reasons for not doing certain things and they tell me that I'm just coming up with excuses. And I also find it sad that it is easier for me to come up with a list of "reasons" or "excuses" for why I don't date...

I also guess some of my reasons for not doing things would be out of rebelliousness. That is definitely not good when it comes to God. I used to reason with myself that I will marry a non-Asian because:

1. Before college, I've only had one crush that was Asian. All my other past crushes had been white or Latina.
2. My mom says I have to marry an Asian. I want to prove that there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.

However, I've realized that I can't be nitpicky about who I will marry in the future. Why? Because God already knows who I will marry in the future and I do not know. Whoever God has in mind could totally be Asian, and I would be rebelling against him by refusing to marry an Asian. By trying to show how judgmental my mom is about non-Asians, I am being judgmental myself. That is why the only thing I really require of my future wife is that she is in love with God more than me. It really does not matter what ethnicity my future wife is. And honestly, I should be more focused on growing myself so that I could be a good husband in the future instead. God is already working on my future wife, so I pray to God that he will help me grow as a man, that I can be a good husband and a good father in the future.

And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.

Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Overcoming Shyness...(Oh hey, that's the title of a book in Earthbound!)

If you did not know me, you may think I am a shy guy. If you got to know me, you might think I am not shy at all. Well, I am shy...I'm just more talkative around people I'm comfortable being around. I have trouble talking to people I don't really know.

A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.

God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.

So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.

It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.

I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.

Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.

Until next time,
Kenneth