It has been four months. Four months since I left Santa Barbara. Four months since I finished my internship at TVSB. What do I have to show from the time I have been back in the Bay Area? Nothing.
Currently I struggle with finding a steady job. I've worked at warehouses during November and December through temp agencies. They were not steady jobs, and it was because Christmas was the busiest time for warehouses. Also, one of them was going through a transition with new workers, so they needed help. Other than that, I do not get responses. I have very little work experience to offer employers, and my skills are not impressive enough for many places to want to hire when they could get someone better. I guess my major also puts limitations on the kind of jobs I could be looking for.
What would I like to do? Realistically, I should be pursuing video editing or something in that area. The problem is I don't have much to show for it. If I want to make more works of my own, I need to have a camera, a good editing program, and a computer that could handle something like that. That is one reason why I'm trying to find other jobs for now. I need to save up to be able to pay for all that. To be honest, I decided I needed a new computer once my laptop started overheating. All those costs add up, and I would still need to have money for essentials. Basically, learning to manage money has become a struggle.
If I could be a little more free with the kinds of stuff I want to do, I would also like to become a voice actor, or a vlogger, or something else. I also enjoy writing despite not having updated this blog in months. Those wishes are a little more unrealistic. Why? Because I have not done much to step into those kinds of directions. Because I don't think I have the talent or charisma to do those kinds of things. Because very few people actually can make enough money from doing those kinds of things. Plus, I don't have much funds to be able to invest in doing those kinds of things. I guess besides money being a struggle, it is also looking down on myself.
Right now, I am thinking of working for the JET Program to teach English in Japan. It is more realistic especially on the short term, and it allows me to have some sort of an adventure. I have submitted everything I need for it, so now it is a waiting game of if I get an interview and pass.The earliest I could start is early start in April through August because the early start program is if there is a need. Otherwise, people normally start in August. What would I like to do with that? Besides being on an adventure, it would be nice to learn more Japanese, have some cultural exchange, and maybe I could even start a vlog. Of course, I would need a camera for that...and maybe a better editing program than Windows Movie Maker. Hopefully my computer doesn't overheat from editing on that. While that is my hope for this next year, I don't even know if that will work out. I have money saved up for the first month of living there if I do get accepted, but I still need to save up for everything else I plan on doing (again, with camera and stuff like that).
Maybe I could use a fundraiser site for that kind of stuff? I thought about it, but felt that it would make me seem like a lazy person who cannot work to pay for his own stuff. Not to mention, my parents will not be paying for that kind of stuff except for if I'm just borrowing and paying back. The problem with that is I am not guaranteed to be paid enough to pay back, so I want to be able to save up and pay on my own. In any case, I might be revealing too much of my thoughts right now...or not. I would feel bad asking for money from others to do what I want to do. Maybe I am dreaming too much.
Another struggle I have been having is feeling like I am a part of a community. Yes, people who graduated before me have warned me about the lack of Christian community outside of college. While I thought I understood that, going through it is harder than I thought it would be. While I am going to my home church and started going to the young adults home group, I still have trouble feeling like I am really a part of it. I still miss the connections I made down in Santa Barbara, and it is difficult trying to reconnect with the few that moved back to the Bay Area. As a result, I don't feel like I have grown much. I know I need to make more of an effort in my spiritual growth, but it is easier said than done. I do think that while I am at church and home group, people are making an effort to make me feel connected. However, outside of those settings, I don't feel very connected.
I trust that God has me where I need to be for now, and that He will take me where I need to be. He will provide me with my needs. However, my hopes and dreams are not necessarily what I need. While it is hard to keep waiting and to keep looking, I trust that things will get better. It is hard hearing my mom's disappointment in me and that I could be a part of her depression, but I still have enough hope to keep waiting. Pray for my mom as she is going through hard times right now.
Maybe I have been too open and vulnerable with this post, but I just wanted to share what I'm going through with the few (or no people) who read this.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Edit: As of 1/21/14, I did not get accepted for an interview for JET. Time to reevaluate what I'm doing again.
