What does it mean to be a husband/father?

I am pretty old, but I am still young. Old enough where I could get married, but young enough that I don't feel the need to be married. Yet, I have a strange desire to want to be a father and to be a good husband as well. At the same time, I know that I am not at a point where I am ready to be in such a position.

It is quite funny to think about. If I have the desire to one day get married and have kids, I probably will. On the other hand, I don't feel equipped. Yet for some reason, I keep hearing or reading messages about what it means to be a loving husband or father centered around Christ. Why have I been exposed to learning what it means to be a great father or husband? I don't know. Maybe God is preparing me for the day I become a husband, for the day I become a father. What I do know is that when I do become those, I want my love for Christ to be the center of how I lead a family. I want to be able to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Read the end of Ephesians 5 and 6:4. That is the kind of husband or father I want to be. It does not mean I have to be controlling. I need to allow my family to be free to make their own decisions as well when the time comes.

A couple weekends ago, Jake Hamilton of Jesus Culture and Bethel spoke at IVC. He spoke quite a bit of what it means to be a father, to be a husband. He talked about how much he loved his daughter that it was hard for him to imagine how God  loves her even more than he ever could. I know that I will not understand that until the day I have a child and I hold him/her in my own arms. It's so gnarly attempting to think of how much God loves me, and I wonder if I've fully taken into my heart that I will forever be a son or a child. I at least know it with head knowledge, but it's crazy for me to wonder whether I have accepted that in my heart as well.

As much as I appreciate my dad, thinking about all he does for me makes me realize I do not appreciate him enough. I feel like I take him for granted now instead of loving him as much as I did when I was still a child who has never experienced school. He works hard to be able to support the whole family, to be able to send my brothers and I to school, and he (along with my mom) actually pays for my whole tuition, rent, and other fees. When he makes business trips down to Thousand Oaks, he'll make the hour drive up to Santa Barbara to have dinner with me, then drive down an hour again. He tries to sacrifice time for me, but I don't feel like I appreciate him as much as I should. Thinking in this way, I realize that God, my heavenly Father, did much more for me. If I am not appreciating what my dad does enough, I'm probably not appreciating God as much as I should. That is a crazy realization.

I want to be able to spend as much time with my family in the future as possible. I want to be there for my kids or for my wife. Yet I know I will have to work to provide. However, I know I can't do it on my own. In the end, I need to remind myself that it is God who provides everything.

During the conference, Jake also talked about how men should love their wives and that work or ministry should not take priority. He talked about how there are so many broken homes and divorces because men put more effort into their work or that they are controlling with their wives and not giving them enough freedom. It inspired me to want to work on my marriage in the future.

Around ten days ago I read a blog post from a high school classmate I had not talked to since graduating. Yes, that sounds kind of creepy, but I've been noticing how interesting they seemed to be when I see them on my Facebook news feed. Anyways, her post talked about how awesome her father is. What stuck out most to me was how strong her dad was in prayer. From the post, he seems like a great example of how a father should be. He prays over his daughter by her bed when she is (supposedly) asleep. I want to be able to do that when I am a father in the future. Obviously I can't be him or anyone else. I will be myself when I am a father. However, that does not mean I can't follow an example.

Anyways, there's probably more I could say on this subject. However, I am just going to post it as is since I did write most of this a week and a half ago but left it before deciding to finish it tonight.

Until next time,
Kenneth

What's Your Story?

A couple weeks ago, Cru did an outreach in UCSB called "What's Your Story?" This involved people writing "3 minute testimonies" and having them posted on a website, a video of cardboard testimonies, and going out asking questions about stories and how people fit into an overarching story. I wrote mine and made sure it was about three minutes when I read it out loud. It will have to do for now, but I feel like it could have been better. First, I wrote that in the middle of the night before Epic Retreat so I could submit it on time. Second, I just followed a given format from a sheet that asked specific questions. I decided to just answer those questions. However, in order to keep it about three minutes while answering the questions, I felt like I left out a lot of details.

While I did mention that I tried to find identity in how others thought of me, I forgot to mention that I also tried finding my identity in doing well in school and being the smart kid in the family. There's a lot more to my testimony, but right now I feel that maybe it is best saved for whenever someone really wants to talk to me about it. It's just more personal that way.

I will end this as my shortest blog post.

Until next time,
Kenneth