The title explains the purpose for this post. I might be ranting. Sometimes I just need to rant. Still, the best thing I can do is continue loving my family because God loves them.
A lot of problems I notice within my family tends to come from my mom's love for gossiping and for thinking she knows everything. At least, that's how I feel sometimes. It is hard when she feels like her reputation is based on how family life is. I can't really blame her for that because that's what Asian culture is supposed to be like. Still, I feel hurt when she judges me or gossips what she thinks is true about me but isn't. It just brings more trouble for me, and my relatives start to judge me.
By writing this, I guess I am also gossiping in a way...so I'm only going to talk about how it affects me. Ergo I won't be talking about what she says about others because I do not know the full story on others' parts.
My mom claims to know me very well just because she's my mom. There's so much she refuses to being wrong about. For example, she claims I only call her when it's about money. That is not true. I call about other stuff...like asking about plans during break so I can plan them out. She then makes me feel guilty by saying I only call when I need money even when that is not the purpose of me calling. She also claims that I don't eat vegetables. Her "proof" is that when I'm at home, I have dry lips and I grow acne. She then says that's also why I'm not in good physical shape. Truth: I do eat vegetables, and I have been eating a lot more in college since it does not go bad as quickly as meat. Ergo, I don't think the lack of vegetables would be cause for dry lips. She then complains about all my imperfections and talks about how I'll never get married because of my lifestyle. Every time she talks like this, I'm hurt.
There is also this stigma that since I'm the Christian in the family, I have to be "perfect". That supposedly means I refuse to drink alcohol ever, that I can't watch films for older audiences, that I supposedly would faint if I ever met a gay person etc. The last two seem to be more prominent when I'm around my relatives from Taiwan. They ask if I can't add alcohol to the soup they were cooking for lunch today, and they assumed I do not want to watch the Hangover Part II because I'm a Christian. I'm fine with using alcohol as an ingredient in food, and I'm sure I will drink wine when I know I won't have to drive and there is occasion to drink. And being a Christian has nothing to do with whether I want to watch the Hangover Part II or not...I don't because that's just not my type of humor and I know plenty of Christians who would love to watch that kind of movie. As for meeting gay people...I go to UCSB, a pretty liberal school with plenty of LGBT people. I've met some and I'm friends with some (although I'm not that close to them). I'm fine when I'm around them and I do not fear them. I love them as people, and I'm fine with hanging out with them and talking to them. I don't see why there's this stigma about me when they apparently do not know me as well as they should.
Continuing to love on family is hard. The only way I know to love on them is to be respectful to them, to be available when they need me. At the same time, it fuels their assumption that I'm a "good boy", and they will ask me ignorant questions or continue to make assumptions about me. My relatives only hear about me through my mom, so usually what they think of me aligns with what my mom thinks she knows about me. I can only continue to love them and attempt not to get outwardly frustrated.
Still...it is Christmas today. I dropped my parents and younger brother at the airport today because they are going to Arizona for a tennis tournament. Meanwhile I am staying home with relatives from Taiwan to take care of cousins. I missed church to take family to the airport, but that's just how I'm attempting to show I care about family. My mom still thinks I don't care about family and assumes that I will be happily doing whatever I want while they are gone. It is hard being back home.
God placed me here for a reason. I am thankful that I have life in Jesus, that I'm alive in the first place. I guess I cannot learn to appreciate things unless I go through struggles. My struggle is to love my family even as they continue to make assumptions about me. I do not know how to "make" them see past their misconceptions. It is something they must learn themselves. I pray that God can move them in that direction.
Happy birthday to Jesus. And thank you for everything you put into my life. For all the people, family and friends, who love me. I'm thankful for the Santa Barbara friends who cared enough to hang out on my birthday as well. You know who you are. And if you are wondering if I got anything from my family for my birthday: not exactly. I'm thankful they are paying for college though, and my mom tells me that her and my dad's gift to me for both my birthday and Christmas is supporting me in college. Ergo, nothing tangible and superficial, just the experiences I have in college. So the gift isn't specific for the holiday season or my birthday. It's their gift as parents who want me to have better opportunities in the future, no matter how disappointed my mom is at my lack of direction. And writing this helps me feel somewhat less jealous that my brother got an Xbox 360 with MW3 for Christmas. :P
Until next time,
Kenneth
