I'm Graduating Soon!!!

Happy Valentines Day!

It's the sixth week of Winter Quarter. I have four more weeks until finals. I'm graduating a quarter early. I am planning on going on Project Reclaim for spring break...if I had a spring break. Still need to raise support for that. Besides that, what is next?

I've started looking at jobs. I've applied for four internships, one of which is already full. I've been too lazy to write cover letters to apply to more. Why? Because...I don't have a real interest in them or I don't have some of the skills or equipment they require. I'm also just not ready to be done with the student life. Not to mention, I only decided to graduate early over Winter Break. Not much time to figure out anything right?

I want to eventually work with Warner Bros. Animation...not as an animator. I'm terrible at drawing. However, I want to be involved in that industry somehow. I've applied for a couple internships there. The problem with working there starting April is that I am living in SB until June. Commuting there and back will be a lot of hours and gas. If the internship I get there ends up being not paid, I have no way of paying all that gas money without borrowing money from parents. I would also need to figure out how to pay for food. I'm more than likely going to have to find something local.

Yeah, I'm looking for a job to honor my parents and to be able to support myself since I'm no longer going to be supported by them. I've had thoughts about interning with Cru or with Epic, but something is stopping me from really pursuing those paths. If I want to intern with them, I would want to intern at SB. Stinting would be cool too. I heard that there is a need for interns in Tokyo. I guess with those paths, I fear what my parents think. Now, it wouldn't make sense to fear that they would stop supporting me financially since they are already doing that after I graduate. I guess I struggle with the thought of my parents being angry or disappointed with me. I may also fear that I can't raise enough support, especially since I am having trouble doing that for Spring Reclaim. I also wouldn't be able to go on Reclaim if I can't find a job because my parents refuse to send my passport to me until I get a job...Finally, there is also the question, "What if I want to intern/stint for selfish reasons?" How do I know my heart is in the right place for that?

Christina Marshall talked at Epic about surrendering things to God in order to grow. If I want to intern or stint, there is going to be a lot of things I need to surrender to God. I'd have to be able to give up what my parents think of me. I have to give up fear that I won't be provided financially. I have to know why I want to intern or stint. I may even have to surrender my own plans and goals. I would also have to give up going on Reclaim for Spring because I obviously won't be able to get my passport...unless God provides a way out and I am somehow able to get it. I still need to trust God with a lot.

I have thought a lot about what I am doing after I'm done with school. I just haven't done much to pursue anything. So much to think about...Pray that I can get all these figured out.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Late Night Rambling

It's late at night. I'm sitting on the futon in the game room on the third floor of my house. I've been using it as a bed for this Winter Break. There's not much privacy here since anyone could basically walk by and see me. As a result, I can't really write in my journal or read late at night. My mom would get mad if she notices I'm awake past 12, and I can't do much except use my laptop when the lights are off...

Lately I've come to realize that writing in a journal can be super useful. I could write stuff I would not want to share on the Internet. I haven't really gotten into that yet, but I felt like starting. I haven't been able to at home since I don't really have privacy here and can't have lights on when I do have time to. Hence, I'm writing about this experience on a blog...

Having conversations with a friend the last couple weeks before Winter Break helped me realize that there were still a lot of hurts I don't think about. He encouraged me to journal them as it helped him see his stuff and how he has been affected. That might be why I've had this desire to journal lately. Sure, there are things I've thought about, but it has only been lately where I realized those thoughts have been affected by past experiences. It's stuff I would like to journal about, and it's stuff I feel like I'm not ready to share with the world through a blog until I feel like it's something that doesn't bother me anymore.

There are a lot of stuff I would like to give up to God. I wonder if I have given up those things to him yet or not. Have I? I tell myself I have, but there is still some uncertainty of whether I have or not.

There's a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head now. I also hear my brother laughing a lot in what was my room. He has my room now because he and his girlfriend, soon to be wife, need privacy. I've gotten to know her better this last week. However, I still feel like they are rushing things. This post could be considered stream-of-consciousness in a way, but it is not. Why? Because I'm still being somewhat selective about what's showing up here and what isn't. I'm also doing some editing while writing, and I had to Google "Ulysses" to remember the term "stream-of-consciousness". I'm sure I will get used to the girl my brother is going to marry. It's still kind of awkward for me having her around...Maybe that's something I should journal more about instead of writing in a blog...

I need to figure out what kind of internship I could do in the Santa Barbara area for the next two quarters, or at least for Spring quarter. As far as I know, the ones I could get through the Carsey-Wolf Center have requirements I haven't fulfilled and am too late to do so, and the one for TVSB requires too many hours for me to do. I might be graduating early...if I can get an internship with an anthropology professor for 2 units this quarter. Hence, I would need a media-type internship for spring and possibly going on to summer. I also need a job after college...

I would like to go on a Spring break project. Maybe to project reclaim. I would have to discuss with my parents first...pray for that.

This will probably be another short post. I pray that God will guide me in the decisions I make, that He will reveal more things.

Until next time,
Kenneth

My last fall quarter is over. I'm sitting in my dark living room thinking about many things that have been going through my mind. I haven't written here in a while. I haven't been journaling as consistently as I wanted to either. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I started trying to journal (and not being consistent with that either). Headphones broke, so I'm stuck in my living room to listen to music since my roommate is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder...

Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?

I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.

Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?

...

A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.

I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.

I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.

Until next time,
Kenneth

I was going to write about community and identity. To be honest, I was going to do so because I keep hearing about how important community is in growing with Christ and how your identity is in Him. However, I would just be rehashing what other people say and not really writing out my own thoughts. As a result, it would have felt a little forced. What am I going to write about? Maybe I will try freewriting and see where it ends up. But then it won't be truly freewrite since I know I will end up editing whatever I write. I have a tendency to do that partly because there are things I don't really want to share online and sometimes random nonsensical thoughts may pop up. Maybe I will talk about weddings! That's because I just attended two this summer so far and will be attending one today.

It has been great seeing my friends get married. From the ones I went to this summer, they both have been centered on Christ. That is different from what I have been used to going to weddings of family members. In the past, I've only been to a few weddings and out of the ones I remember, it has just been focused on the couple. From the two I've been to this summer and the first ones outside my family, it's interesting how they show they want Jesus to be the center of it. I don't remember ever seeing a couple marrying taking communion on the day of the marriage before this summer. Both couples asked for the Biblical definition of love to be read. 1 Corinthians 13...love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud...I'm not quoting it exactly since I'm just writing what I remember off the top of my head. Marriage should have a relationship reflecting Jesus' relationship with the church. Jesus is the groom and the church is the bride.

Ephesians 5:21-33 does a good job explaining it. Jesus as the husband is the head of the church which is the bride. It means we all submit to Christ just as the wife submits to the husband. In the same way, husbands should love their wives just as Christ did for the church. By giving Himself up for us, Jesus made us holy and clean. We are made perfect in Christ. In the same way, husbands should be willing to make sacrifices for their wives. It's definitely not a one-way thing where the wife submits to the husband who does nothing. The husband has to love his wife and to care for her just as Christ loves and cares for the church. I am also sure there are times where wives don't necessarily submit to husbands (like if what the husband tells the wife to do goes against what Jesus says). I also think there are times where husbands should listen to their wives about stuff.

I think the relationship between Pastor Jason and his wife Holly is a good example of what marriage should be. They talk about everything, they are raising four children together, and they are basically in each others' lives. In Ephesians 5:31, it basically says man leaves his parents to be with his wife, and the two become one. Granted, Jason has stated that there are times where they fight, but we as humans are prone to mess up. It is understandable if we do mess up. The point is that they as one work together to build each other up and to raise a great family. They are good role models.

Nowadays people have very high expectations of marriage just being about "love" between two people that a lot of divorces are occurring because marriage is not meeting up to people's expectations. Instead of both parties trying to fix their marriages by making sacrifices, people would separate because they want things to go their way. Some real life examples I could think of stem from this type of thinking. They want fulfillment in all their expectations, and when it does not work out the way they want it, they leave. The western world has become one of selfishness, where people go to religion for "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism". People do things if it feels good and it goes with their agendas. A lot of people are not willing to make sacrifices nowadays.

I know that I myself have high expectations sometimes. My high expectations include not dating until I feel like God is making it obvious that the girl is the one I will marry in the future. I don't plan on having my first kiss until the day of my marriage. However, I should not have such expectations for my future wife. In no way do I mean that I should have low expectations of my future wife, but I mean that I should accept her the way she is and with whatever flaws she may have. Christ died for all of us even though we had so many flaws.

Just as Christ loves us unconditionally, I should learn to love in the same way. I need to be willing to make sacrifices and to have relationships centered on Christ. While marriage is uniting two people, it also enables them to keep accountable of each other and to help each other grow in Christ. Marriage should still be centered on Jesus. If it was centered on the self, it would just lead to separation. I am anticipating the day I get married and when I start my own family. For now, I still have some growing to do. I will also be celebrating the marriage of my friends.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Third Year of College: DONE!!!

Wow. Can't believe my third year of college just finished. I only have a year left. Actually, if I was not planning on minoring, I could just graduate after fall quarter. Of course, that would mean my parents would want me to move back home early. I definitely don't know what I am doing after college yet. That is why I decided to get a minor and stay for the whole year.

Anyways, it has been an interesting year. There has been a lot of growth (which I have not noticed much, but am told about). I definitely have not been as focused on spiritual gifts this year, but it has also been more of a year of learning what it means to be part of community, to help each other grow in our spiritual lives. There's also been more of an emphasis on being a leader, not necessarily with a title, but at least in example. I have always been just fine with following. However, as a man of God, I will eventually have to lead, whether that is finding someone to disciple or leading my own family when I have one.

It has been a blessing being discipled by Brian this year. While sometimes it was hard to meet at the time we set, we were still able to meet up almost every week. I've learned to be more vulnerable through it, and it has been a time where I learned what a discipleship relationship should be like. It has also been a time of asking questions, of sharing weaknesses, and of living life together.

I have also had to manage my time better this year. More things seemed to conflict this year. In order to make more time to be involved in many things, I had to finish my readings a week early. I've also accepted that not everyone can make it to everything, and that there are people who just don't feel like they belong in the same things I feel that I belong in. Nonetheless, it does not mean I should ignore them.

It has definitely been challenging always being reminded that God has his own timing for everything. He's revealed that I can be judgmental at times and that I stereotype sometimes as well. Getting to know people better here than I did in high school is one of those things. For example, in high school I did not really talk to my friend Nikki. However, after coming to college, I've gotten to know her more as well as her now husband. It has been a blessing getting to know them well enough to be invited to their wedding.While I kind of wish I got to know more of my classmates in high school, it is kind of too late for that now.

Pledging for AGO this quarter has also been a learning experience. First of all, it reminded me to continue trusting in God's timing and not my own. There must have been a reason for me to have waited so long before I became active. Pledging with my pledge bros allowed me to be more encouraging to them. Again, when we went through hard times, we had to remember that we do all things to glorify God. I've grown in confidence. I'm still learning what "biblical masculinity" is. Most of all, I am reminded that there is always room to grow, You can never be done growing.

These are just some of the things I've learned this year. I can't wait to see what God does next year during my last year as an undergraduate student. Dear reader, I pray that you are also growing, learning each day, and taking things as they come. I pray that you notice all God has for you and all he does for you.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Post-Finals Almost Stream of Consciousness

Finals are done. I'm sitting here in the UCen in the middle of the night while other people are studying. Why? Because I think it would be fun to take advantage of the fact that I can stay here this late during finals week.

I just read the first two chapters of Nehemiah. I decided I am going to read through Nehemiah because my discipler Brian said I should before I read Excellence in Leadership. The first two chapters of Nehemiah have been interesting so far. The first chapter deals with Nehemiah hearing about Jerusalem's walls being burnt down, and the second chapter is about him trusting God in allowing him to go back and fix the city with the king's blessings. It was definitely interesting to see how Nehemiah prayed before talking to the king about it. Even though he faced sadness over Jerusalem's fall, he continued to praise God. He asked God for favors, confessed his failings as well as his people's, and he asked for success in having the king bring him back. Even when people were in disbelief, he still trusted God in bringing success. I want to have that kind of faith in everything I do, whether that is in school or in my daily life.

I'll be honest, this post will probably talk about a bunch of unrelated stuff. It's just going to be one of those posts where I don't want to be too organized. While it isn't completely "stream of consciousness", it will still try to come close to that and give more of a glimpse to my thought process. I don't think I can type out all my thoughts and in the order I think. I worry about how I present my writing. It will also show how all over the place I am sometimes...especially when it's super late.

Anyways, I am listening to a song right now by Chase Coy. It is called "Summer's Song". It is set when the summer coming to a close. Ironically summer is just beginning for me. This song reminds me of the summer before my first year at UCSB. That's because that was when I was first introduced to his music. A lot of his music is acoustic. They are pretty relaxing...and soft. A lot of love songs...why am I listening to that kind of music? Because I decided to listen to old music on my hard-drive. I'm going down authors in ABC order and decided to skip Backstreet Boys (and anything else I don't feel like listening). Well then you would ask why I am listening to Chase Coy. I haven't listened to his music in a while...and it's good.

Now I'm listening to Hillsong because it is under my Christian music folder. The song "The Time Has Come" begins really well. "Today, today it's all or nothing..." Am I living my all for God? Listening to Hillsong reminds me of how I used to really love worship...how I used to get so into it. I'm not saying that I'm no longer passionate about worship. I still love it. I am just noticing that now I'm fine if I miss worship sometimes whereas I would never skip worship during a service back in high school. Nevertheless, I am pretty stoked for this summer. I will be a part of two worship sets for Summer Cru. I need to learn to harmonize. Still, I think it will be an awesome being a part of the worship team and helping lead others into worship.

I really want to write a post reflecting on my third year of college. However, I feel like that deserves its own post instead of being a part of this semi-"stream of consciousness" post. Maybe I can give small glimpses of what I'm thinking about writing for it? Well, I am always being reminded of how broken I am without God. We are made perfect in Him. It's crazy to think about ourselves as just a speck...actually smaller than a speck...compared to the universe. Yet, God still cares about us.

Okay, sorry to interrupt that, but I wanted to say that I am quite enjoying listening to old worship music. It is also helping me stay awake to be able to write this. You might ask, "Why are you even staying up this late in the UCen when you are done with finals?" A lot of people have asked that already. Well, as I stated earlier, I want to take advantage of being able to stay here so late. (Oh, random note, I am listening to "Next Thing You Know" by Matthew West...the first Christian song I remember hearing on KLove in 8th grade) I guess another reason I want to stay here is because I want to walk a friend home after she finishes her paper...probably not a very good reason. Meh, not all my decisions or reasons for doing things make sense.

Dang, these old Christian songs are reminding me of junior high and high school...of my youth group. Back before I first began coming to UCSB, I thought I would at least go home every summer and help out at my youth group. God's completely changed that plan of mine. Last summer I stayed in UCSB. This summer I am doing the same. It's crazy to see how much God has changed my heart. Sometimes I do miss when I was younger and a part of my youth group...being able to hang out with some of my friends who have moved on in college. I'm happy for Anthony who is now going to teach at Valley Christian. I am excited for Anton who now lives in Hollywood doing what he loves. God has definitely placed them in places where they belong and are called to. I'm sure God will do the same with me when the time comes. I still don't know what that will be.

Well, I feel like this post has been a little more authentic with who I am. However, it is definitely getting long. I should stop here and move on to the end of the year post.

Until next time (the next post I am about to do and may or may not finish by today =P),
Kenneth

What does it mean to be a husband/father?

I am pretty old, but I am still young. Old enough where I could get married, but young enough that I don't feel the need to be married. Yet, I have a strange desire to want to be a father and to be a good husband as well. At the same time, I know that I am not at a point where I am ready to be in such a position.

It is quite funny to think about. If I have the desire to one day get married and have kids, I probably will. On the other hand, I don't feel equipped. Yet for some reason, I keep hearing or reading messages about what it means to be a loving husband or father centered around Christ. Why have I been exposed to learning what it means to be a great father or husband? I don't know. Maybe God is preparing me for the day I become a husband, for the day I become a father. What I do know is that when I do become those, I want my love for Christ to be the center of how I lead a family. I want to be able to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Read the end of Ephesians 5 and 6:4. That is the kind of husband or father I want to be. It does not mean I have to be controlling. I need to allow my family to be free to make their own decisions as well when the time comes.

A couple weekends ago, Jake Hamilton of Jesus Culture and Bethel spoke at IVC. He spoke quite a bit of what it means to be a father, to be a husband. He talked about how much he loved his daughter that it was hard for him to imagine how God  loves her even more than he ever could. I know that I will not understand that until the day I have a child and I hold him/her in my own arms. It's so gnarly attempting to think of how much God loves me, and I wonder if I've fully taken into my heart that I will forever be a son or a child. I at least know it with head knowledge, but it's crazy for me to wonder whether I have accepted that in my heart as well.

As much as I appreciate my dad, thinking about all he does for me makes me realize I do not appreciate him enough. I feel like I take him for granted now instead of loving him as much as I did when I was still a child who has never experienced school. He works hard to be able to support the whole family, to be able to send my brothers and I to school, and he (along with my mom) actually pays for my whole tuition, rent, and other fees. When he makes business trips down to Thousand Oaks, he'll make the hour drive up to Santa Barbara to have dinner with me, then drive down an hour again. He tries to sacrifice time for me, but I don't feel like I appreciate him as much as I should. Thinking in this way, I realize that God, my heavenly Father, did much more for me. If I am not appreciating what my dad does enough, I'm probably not appreciating God as much as I should. That is a crazy realization.

I want to be able to spend as much time with my family in the future as possible. I want to be there for my kids or for my wife. Yet I know I will have to work to provide. However, I know I can't do it on my own. In the end, I need to remind myself that it is God who provides everything.

During the conference, Jake also talked about how men should love their wives and that work or ministry should not take priority. He talked about how there are so many broken homes and divorces because men put more effort into their work or that they are controlling with their wives and not giving them enough freedom. It inspired me to want to work on my marriage in the future.

Around ten days ago I read a blog post from a high school classmate I had not talked to since graduating. Yes, that sounds kind of creepy, but I've been noticing how interesting they seemed to be when I see them on my Facebook news feed. Anyways, her post talked about how awesome her father is. What stuck out most to me was how strong her dad was in prayer. From the post, he seems like a great example of how a father should be. He prays over his daughter by her bed when she is (supposedly) asleep. I want to be able to do that when I am a father in the future. Obviously I can't be him or anyone else. I will be myself when I am a father. However, that does not mean I can't follow an example.

Anyways, there's probably more I could say on this subject. However, I am just going to post it as is since I did write most of this a week and a half ago but left it before deciding to finish it tonight.

Until next time,
Kenneth