Thanksgiving 2011*

*Title is like that because it will be hard to come up with unique titles every Thanksgiving.

With that said, I pretty much forgot to post on the actual day because I also had a 10 page paper in mind, summaries for all my readings, and possibly write a support letter for next Epic Conference...and I should stop going on a tangent at the very beginning of the post.

I'm a very selfish person. It's not that I don't care about others, which I really do care for others, but the context is more like I have high expectations and many desires. For example, I want every Thanksgiving to be spent with family and relatives. Of course, that only happens once every two years because my little brother has tennis tournaments in LA every other year. Ergo, I missed my family's Thanksgiving dinner this year because they decided to have it before going down to LA, and I was in Santa Barbara when they had the dinner. How do I react? By complaining or telling people I'm probably going to Denny's for Thanksgiving dinner. That's definitely not the right way for me to react to the situation, and I probably end up sounding like I want attention or desire sympathy. The funny thing is, I've had this mindset about Thanksgiving since high school, and it is the opposite of what Thanksgiving is actually about. What's also funny is I didn't think about it in this context until this year, my third year in college.

Instead of trying to expect a "perfect" Thanksgiving of having dinner with family and relatives, I need to have the mindset that this day is a reminder that we need to give thanks to God for all that we have. I'm lucky to even get dinner at Coco's on Thanksgiving Day with two of my cousins. I've had more of a "traditional" Thanksgiving dinner last Saturday, with some of my IVC family. I'm blessed to know all these wonderful people. I definitely should have been more grateful about Robbie inviting me in the first place.

I definitely need to give up my high expectations and be happy with all that I already have. Instead of telling people I don't get presents from my family on my birthday or Christmas, I need to appreciate that I still even have a family. I'm thankful that I can spend time with family no matter how much I feel hurt by them sometimes. I'm thankful for my family in Christ and how supportive they have been to me. This does not just include IVC or Cru or AGO/ADX, but people in other groups as well who I might not be as involved with. This year I haven't been as involved with my Epic Ohana because of schedule conflicts, but that doesn't mean I don't love them anymore. I'm also thankful for my friends who are in AACF, knowing at least four people from my hall first year that are involved. Everyone has been inviting and open, and I wish I can do the same. I wish I can be more open when I actually talk to people.

Sometimes I wish I could give more than to just receive. I just don't know what I can give...I don't know what I can do for people.

And yet I have to remind myself that there is freedom in Jesus. I shouldn't be hard on myself all the time. I am most thankful for God, for all that he has done. He is the reason I have things to be thankful about.

I'm also thankful for the invisible readers out there. When I say invisible, it is because I don't know who actually reads this.

I'm blessed to have so much in my life. I really need to stop complaining about my "problems" that aren't really big.

Thanks for reading all of this.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Home...

Home...

What do you think about when you think of home? Where are you referring to when you say "I'm going home"?

I'm sitting here listening to Christmas music, and it's only the beginning of November. Listening to Christmas music reminds me of being back in the Bay, back in high school when I would listen to Christmas music on the radio while I drive. I remember all the things I look forward to during Christmas. Christmas chapel in my high school was fun, especially when it comes to the Christmas music during worship. I loved the skits that are performed in Christmas chapel. I loved having Christmas parties in my classes, club meetings, church/youth group, etc. The festive mood usually made me happy. And as of my senior year of high school, I also looked forward to seeing Matt Phipp's light show; of hanging out with friends when I am back from college. Seeing familiar faces is refreshing. Seeing how people I haven't seen in a while is great since I get to catch up with them. There's a lot of nostalgia. Yet, for the last two years, I only get to be home for three weeks. It will be four this year because of New Years being on Monday.

It's funny how listening to Christmas music can induce this feeling. Yet while I'm here in Santa Barbara, I'm mostly focused on what goes on here. When I go on facebook, I usually focus on what's going on in Santa Barbara instead of with the people I know from back home. I notice I am mostly focused on what is around me. I even call the Plex home. I look forward to watching Christmas movies and all the other Christmas festivities that happen here before I go back to Dublin.

Does this mean I have two homes? Quite possibly. I sometimes feel I do not spend enough time back home, yet when I am back home I wish I could be back in Santa Barbara. Actually, now that I think about it, I will only be in Santa Barbara for a year and two thirds left...unless I get a job around the area. It is pretty crazy to think about that. Once I graduate, everyone is going to be spread out. Even many of the people I knew back home would be spread out after I graduate. The younger friends will be in college, and the older people will live their own lives. At least I will still have my family back home. Meanwhile, I have no idea where God is leading me after college. Will I be going to graduate school or getting a job? Will He lead me somewhere completely different? No matter where I end up, I will consider that "home". If I end up somewhere that is not the Bay Area or Santa Barbara, I will have a third "home".

Wherever I end up, it will become home. Wherever I move, there will be many changes: different people, different locations, different schedules or ways I will be occupying my time. What will stay the same? Jesus.

Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Even if I end up going to a different church with new faces, Jesus is the same. I may continue to reminisce the past or focus on what is around me, but I do not have to worry about God leaving me. Wherever I end up and call "home", I need to trust that He is consistent and that he knows what is best. After all, life isn't about me. It's about Him, and He is omniscient.

As I end this post, I hope that the ending does not sound too forced or anything like that.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Time is what I need...

Time...I wish I had more of it...

I sometimes wish I had the power to split myself so there are copies of me that can each do different things at once...

That would definitely save a lot of time.

It seems like my time is spread thin. When I have "free time", I end up spending it all on trying to finish my reading for my classes. My time is basically spent on classes, reading, being involved with different ministries, and maybe some sleep time which sometimes doesn't cover the eight hours I need.

Have you heard of the idea that in college you can only have two of three things: either school, social life, or sleep? I don't know how I'm balancing all that. Sometimes I wish I could just use free time to have some quiet time, read the word of God, spend time in prayer, etc. I guess I could just skip some of my social life for it...

Still, even with a pretty good social life, I definitely haven't had time to spend one-on-one time with friends. I sometimes wish I could even do that and talk about certain things. It's hard to schedule something like that when I have a pretty full schedule. I would have to find something to skip.

Last week Chloe asked me how I'm able to finish all my work and still show up to everything. To be honest, I don't know how I manage to do that. Showing up to "everything" is definitely an overstatement. I've had to miss out on plans because other plans take place at the same time, I have reading to do, or I am just plain tired.

I guess one reason I am intrigued with Naruto besides the plot is the fact that he can make Shadow Clones. The clones can each act on their own, and when he recalls them he gains all their memories. This allows him to learn at a much faster rate and allows him to multitask. I would sometimes imagine being able to do that. If I could do that, I would probably have four different clones reading for each of my classes while I do whatever else I need to do.

It is probably time to figure out how to take a Sabbath. I need the rest. I don't know how to rest without being lazy, but I will figure it out...This mindless wandering is really an excuse to post something new and rant. It also allows people to see how I think sometimes.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Recurring Themes in Dreams...

Hello reader,
It has been a while since my last post. To be honest, I haven't really had inspiration or ideas to write about until now. Maybe it's because my relationship with God hasn't been growing too much on my part. Maybe I haven't been relying on Him as much as I should be. That does not mean I have not been doing anything at all. There are still times where I just want to have some alone time with Him. I have been going through things where I know I should be trusting in Him more instead of relying on myself or just not remembering that He provides or that He cares. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and goodness. With that said, it has just been hard for me to write about anything because I'm not really sure what He has been teaching me. I guess I just have not been listening hard enough...

Anyways, moving on to the topic of the title...I've noticed that the dreams I usually remember are the ones where I run around malls/shopping centers/department stores looking for something or trying to run from something.

Just last night I had a dream about going to a Real Life meeting at night. What made the meeting different in my dream is that we were meeting at a department store for some reason. Another interesting thing to note is that there were a few people from my youth group who were there for some reason. Anyways, in my dream I decided to put my backpack and longboard inside by the glass entrance/exit after asking the people working there if it was alright. Later in my dream, Real Life ends and everyone starts to mingle like usual. I remember seeing Michelle in my dream, stating I have not seen her in a while, then giving a side hug before she moves on and talks to other people.

Later, as everyone starts leaving, I decided that I needed to leave as well. I decided to go pick up my belongings, but when I went inside, I could not find them. I asked the people working on the first floor if they have seen them, but they have not. I started running around looking for my backpack, longboard, and anything else I might have put down. While searching for my belongings, I eventually found my stuff along with other people's things lying by a glass door to a balcony on the third floor. I also noticed my previous backpack I've had since 3rd grade to senior year of high school lying there, and I wondered why it was there. I remember giving it away to one of my youth group friends. I decided to put it on and take the rest of my stuff.

As I made my way through the department store, I saw either one of my good friends practicing lines for a production of sorts. I do not remember if it was Jordan from Real Life or Anton from high school/youth group. It would make more sense if it was Anton due to him being in Hollywood now studying to become an actor, but then my dream was about Real Life...with some youth group people. In any case, both of them are people I look up to during a certain stage of my life, and both are a year above me. They remind me of each other in some ways, but I do not know if Jordan is an actor. They both play guitar though...

So after trying to have a conversation with him, he kept on trying to practice his lines. I decided that he might be too busy to talk, and I continued down the stairs. I made my way out of the building and walked towards the street where I parked my car on the side. Then I woke up.

I feel like there is a meaning behind this dream. I am not sure what it is yet, but I should definitely pray about it. It would be nice to hear some thoughts about this too. I just find it strange that the most significant dreams I remember always have something to do with malls or department stores of sorts.

Well it is super late and I should be sleeping.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Azimuth and Peanut

I know the title will seem confusing to most if not all of you. After all, what would a word for an angular measurement have anything to do with a legume? In the context of this blog post, they have completely different meanings. It all has to do with a story that happened last week.

Last week, a group consisting of Conner, David, Katie, Marly, and I went on a walk. Apparently this happened because Conner felt that he and David should go on a walk, so they invited us to go with them. While we walked down a sidewalk, they noticed a dog wondering around on its own. They decided to watch over him and play with him. During this time a man with two dogs came over and asked about the dog who still had a leash. He and the others have seen the dog around, but we did not know the owner. The man then gave us advice on how to handle the situation like looking for a name and number, then taking him to foot patrol. Since foot patrol was closed, we would have to take care of him for the night.

As we walked away from the foot patrol station and back to the sidewalk we found the dog at, we heard someone shout "Azzy" with excitement. At that point we realized it was the dog's owner. We watched as she started running as fast as she could, and Azzy started running to her as well, pulling Conner while doing so. It was an amazing sight to see a person reunite with her dog. She thanked us and introduced herself as Peanut. She then introduced the dog as Azzy. If I were to define Peanut in simpler terms I would call her a hippie, but I feel like it could be rude to do so. Even though she thinks of Azzy as more of an equal friend than her as an owner, the most important thing is that two friends are reunited. Azzy wondered off from her friend's house while she went out for a couple hours.

How did I find out Azzy's name was Azimuth? Well, a day or two after the incident I was walking back to AGO where I was staying until my lease starts. As I walked back, I noticed Peanut riding her bike and taking Azzy with her. They were going with some friends to IV Market. It was during this time that Azzy remembered me and followed me into the AGO house. Peanut's friends called her Azimuth and had to take her out of the house. They started apologizing to me, but I was fine with it. I guess Peanut did not recognize me, but at least Azimuth did.

Why is this all important? I was thinking that this parallels our relationship with God in a way. People are like Azzy in that we sometimes wander off on our own, and we get lost when we rely on our own. However, when we return to God, there is reason to be joyous. As Azzy reuniting with Peanut was joyful for them and us who were watching, it is a joyful experience to be reunited with God who created us.

I find the name Azimuth interesting. Although it is an angular measurement in a spherical coordinate system, it comes from the Arabic word for "direction". We all need direction. There's probably a lot more I could say about direction, but I might just save that for a later date.

Until next time,
Kenneth

When Plans Fail...

Planning. It helps you focus and gives you direction. It sets expectations. It helps reach objectives. It requires a lot of control. What happens when a person does not have the control to achieve their visions from their plans?

I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.

I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.

At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.

Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.

This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.

Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.

I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.

Until next time,
Kenneth

The December 19th Room

Today I cleaned my room...a lot. I packed many things into a couple boxes to bring down to Santa Barbara where I will be living at the Plex. To be honest, I never thought I would be bringing so many things down to SB. The reason I did so was to make space...for when my cousin moves into my room. As I went through all my things, I thought of many things that came and went in my life: people, places, things...and I realize I have experienced so much to come to where I am today.

While rummaging my drawers, I've seen things like a certificate of baptism, a CD with video of my baptism in 9th grade, a letter from 2005 inviting me to become a member of my youth group, and little journals or albums with pictures of when I was in Japan. I even saw a letter from my 6th grade teacher that encouraged me a bit. Thinking back, Japan was not too bad. There were good experiences I have largely forgotten, and I am thankful that the bad experiences have helped me grow as well. It is interesting to think about how God has used all of that to bring me where I am today, and I know that there is still room to grow.

If you are curious about the title, it is because my birthday is on December 19th. The room was built while I was living here in elementary school and even before I lived in Japan. Why did I choose my birthday as the name of the room? Because my cousin who is moving into my room also has the same birthday as me. Ergo, I thought it would be interesting to name it after our birthday. Granted, there have been other people who lived in my room while I was in Japan like the sister of one of my classmates in high school who I have been in school plays with. I did not even know their family rented my house while we were in Japan until I was in the middle of high school and have known them for a while. Even though there have been other occupants who have had different birthdays, I have been the only occupant of this room while my family lived in this house, and soon my cousin with the same person will be the second.

All these random connections I formed in my head...could they all just been coincidence or did God place all these to make me think about how crazy all these connections are? Whatever the case, I still find it interesting how there is so many connections to this room. I wish I was more appreciative of it.

I remember before I moved to Japan, I did not like this room. I would sleep in my older brother's room because I did not like sleeping alone and hated how there were spider webs hanging on the corner of the ceiling above my bed. When I moved to Japan, I learned how to sleep alone in my own room, and I grew to love having my own room. After coming back from Japan, I could sleep in my own room and not go to my brother's room like I used to.

On the shelf are trophies from when I was much younger. They come from little league baseball or from Chinese school. There's at least one plaque from cross country and my high school diploma. There are also photo albums, a whole bunch of CDs from when I was younger, and other memorabilia. Now looking into the closet, it seems empty apart from a humidifier and my clothes for tomorrow before going back to Santa Barbara. The nun-chucks that mysteriously appeared in my closet has been taken by my mom to be donated. The keyboard that used to be by my balcony door has been packed into my car, and the TV that was supposed to be handed down to me from my parents' room is now being donated since I have no need for it in college. All the packaging for GBA games that used to be in one of my drawers are packed as well, and I'm leaving behind furniture, a lamp, desk lamp, a desktop computer, printer, and a radio that may or may not be donated in the future. Next to me is a Pikachu clock I plan on bringing to SB. There are other junk I really do not feel like describing.

Why am I writing all this? I just feel like reminiscing, and describing what my room is like now just helps me think about how rarely I use it now that I'm in Santa Barbara for school. While it is likely I'll be returning after I graduate, I do not know for sure. I am unsure about many things. With many of my things packed, I feel like I am moving ahead while still carrying some things from the past to remember. Although I know I should not linger on the past and focus on the future, I cannot help but think that maybe keeping some things from the past will help me remember what I have learned in the twenty years of my life. I cannot wait to see where God leads me in this next stage of my life that I have only been getting used to this past two years. Although I am worried about many things like my parents' views of the Church, I can only trust that God will lead me through it all. After all, Jesus did tell us to give up everything if we wanted to follow Him. I pray that this summer in Santa Barbara, God will help me grow even more.

Until next time,
Kenneth