Time...I wish I had more of it...
I sometimes wish I had the power to split myself so there are copies of me that can each do different things at once...
That would definitely save a lot of time.
It seems like my time is spread thin. When I have "free time", I end up spending it all on trying to finish my reading for my classes. My time is basically spent on classes, reading, being involved with different ministries, and maybe some sleep time which sometimes doesn't cover the eight hours I need.
Have you heard of the idea that in college you can only have two of three things: either school, social life, or sleep? I don't know how I'm balancing all that. Sometimes I wish I could just use free time to have some quiet time, read the word of God, spend time in prayer, etc. I guess I could just skip some of my social life for it...
Still, even with a pretty good social life, I definitely haven't had time to spend one-on-one time with friends. I sometimes wish I could even do that and talk about certain things. It's hard to schedule something like that when I have a pretty full schedule. I would have to find something to skip.
Last week Chloe asked me how I'm able to finish all my work and still show up to everything. To be honest, I don't know how I manage to do that. Showing up to "everything" is definitely an overstatement. I've had to miss out on plans because other plans take place at the same time, I have reading to do, or I am just plain tired.
I guess one reason I am intrigued with Naruto besides the plot is the fact that he can make Shadow Clones. The clones can each act on their own, and when he recalls them he gains all their memories. This allows him to learn at a much faster rate and allows him to multitask. I would sometimes imagine being able to do that. If I could do that, I would probably have four different clones reading for each of my classes while I do whatever else I need to do.
It is probably time to figure out how to take a Sabbath. I need the rest. I don't know how to rest without being lazy, but I will figure it out...This mindless wandering is really an excuse to post something new and rant. It also allows people to see how I think sometimes.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Recurring Themes in Dreams...
Hello reader,
It has been a while since my last post. To be honest, I haven't really had inspiration or ideas to write about until now. Maybe it's because my relationship with God hasn't been growing too much on my part. Maybe I haven't been relying on Him as much as I should be. That does not mean I have not been doing anything at all. There are still times where I just want to have some alone time with Him. I have been going through things where I know I should be trusting in Him more instead of relying on myself or just not remembering that He provides or that He cares. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and goodness. With that said, it has just been hard for me to write about anything because I'm not really sure what He has been teaching me. I guess I just have not been listening hard enough...
Anyways, moving on to the topic of the title...I've noticed that the dreams I usually remember are the ones where I run around malls/shopping centers/department stores looking for something or trying to run from something.
Just last night I had a dream about going to a Real Life meeting at night. What made the meeting different in my dream is that we were meeting at a department store for some reason. Another interesting thing to note is that there were a few people from my youth group who were there for some reason. Anyways, in my dream I decided to put my backpack and longboard inside by the glass entrance/exit after asking the people working there if it was alright. Later in my dream, Real Life ends and everyone starts to mingle like usual. I remember seeing Michelle in my dream, stating I have not seen her in a while, then giving a side hug before she moves on and talks to other people.
Later, as everyone starts leaving, I decided that I needed to leave as well. I decided to go pick up my belongings, but when I went inside, I could not find them. I asked the people working on the first floor if they have seen them, but they have not. I started running around looking for my backpack, longboard, and anything else I might have put down. While searching for my belongings, I eventually found my stuff along with other people's things lying by a glass door to a balcony on the third floor. I also noticed my previous backpack I've had since 3rd grade to senior year of high school lying there, and I wondered why it was there. I remember giving it away to one of my youth group friends. I decided to put it on and take the rest of my stuff.
As I made my way through the department store, I saw either one of my good friends practicing lines for a production of sorts. I do not remember if it was Jordan from Real Life or Anton from high school/youth group. It would make more sense if it was Anton due to him being in Hollywood now studying to become an actor, but then my dream was about Real Life...with some youth group people. In any case, both of them are people I look up to during a certain stage of my life, and both are a year above me. They remind me of each other in some ways, but I do not know if Jordan is an actor. They both play guitar though...
So after trying to have a conversation with him, he kept on trying to practice his lines. I decided that he might be too busy to talk, and I continued down the stairs. I made my way out of the building and walked towards the street where I parked my car on the side. Then I woke up.
I feel like there is a meaning behind this dream. I am not sure what it is yet, but I should definitely pray about it. It would be nice to hear some thoughts about this too. I just find it strange that the most significant dreams I remember always have something to do with malls or department stores of sorts.
Well it is super late and I should be sleeping.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It has been a while since my last post. To be honest, I haven't really had inspiration or ideas to write about until now. Maybe it's because my relationship with God hasn't been growing too much on my part. Maybe I haven't been relying on Him as much as I should be. That does not mean I have not been doing anything at all. There are still times where I just want to have some alone time with Him. I have been going through things where I know I should be trusting in Him more instead of relying on myself or just not remembering that He provides or that He cares. I have to constantly remind myself of His love and goodness. With that said, it has just been hard for me to write about anything because I'm not really sure what He has been teaching me. I guess I just have not been listening hard enough...
Anyways, moving on to the topic of the title...I've noticed that the dreams I usually remember are the ones where I run around malls/shopping centers/department stores looking for something or trying to run from something.
Just last night I had a dream about going to a Real Life meeting at night. What made the meeting different in my dream is that we were meeting at a department store for some reason. Another interesting thing to note is that there were a few people from my youth group who were there for some reason. Anyways, in my dream I decided to put my backpack and longboard inside by the glass entrance/exit after asking the people working there if it was alright. Later in my dream, Real Life ends and everyone starts to mingle like usual. I remember seeing Michelle in my dream, stating I have not seen her in a while, then giving a side hug before she moves on and talks to other people.
Later, as everyone starts leaving, I decided that I needed to leave as well. I decided to go pick up my belongings, but when I went inside, I could not find them. I asked the people working on the first floor if they have seen them, but they have not. I started running around looking for my backpack, longboard, and anything else I might have put down. While searching for my belongings, I eventually found my stuff along with other people's things lying by a glass door to a balcony on the third floor. I also noticed my previous backpack I've had since 3rd grade to senior year of high school lying there, and I wondered why it was there. I remember giving it away to one of my youth group friends. I decided to put it on and take the rest of my stuff.
As I made my way through the department store, I saw either one of my good friends practicing lines for a production of sorts. I do not remember if it was Jordan from Real Life or Anton from high school/youth group. It would make more sense if it was Anton due to him being in Hollywood now studying to become an actor, but then my dream was about Real Life...with some youth group people. In any case, both of them are people I look up to during a certain stage of my life, and both are a year above me. They remind me of each other in some ways, but I do not know if Jordan is an actor. They both play guitar though...
So after trying to have a conversation with him, he kept on trying to practice his lines. I decided that he might be too busy to talk, and I continued down the stairs. I made my way out of the building and walked towards the street where I parked my car on the side. Then I woke up.
I feel like there is a meaning behind this dream. I am not sure what it is yet, but I should definitely pray about it. It would be nice to hear some thoughts about this too. I just find it strange that the most significant dreams I remember always have something to do with malls or department stores of sorts.
Well it is super late and I should be sleeping.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Azimuth and Peanut
I know the title will seem confusing to most if not all of you. After all, what would a word for an angular measurement have anything to do with a legume? In the context of this blog post, they have completely different meanings. It all has to do with a story that happened last week.
Last week, a group consisting of Conner, David, Katie, Marly, and I went on a walk. Apparently this happened because Conner felt that he and David should go on a walk, so they invited us to go with them. While we walked down a sidewalk, they noticed a dog wondering around on its own. They decided to watch over him and play with him. During this time a man with two dogs came over and asked about the dog who still had a leash. He and the others have seen the dog around, but we did not know the owner. The man then gave us advice on how to handle the situation like looking for a name and number, then taking him to foot patrol. Since foot patrol was closed, we would have to take care of him for the night.
As we walked away from the foot patrol station and back to the sidewalk we found the dog at, we heard someone shout "Azzy" with excitement. At that point we realized it was the dog's owner. We watched as she started running as fast as she could, and Azzy started running to her as well, pulling Conner while doing so. It was an amazing sight to see a person reunite with her dog. She thanked us and introduced herself as Peanut. She then introduced the dog as Azzy. If I were to define Peanut in simpler terms I would call her a hippie, but I feel like it could be rude to do so. Even though she thinks of Azzy as more of an equal friend than her as an owner, the most important thing is that two friends are reunited. Azzy wondered off from her friend's house while she went out for a couple hours.
How did I find out Azzy's name was Azimuth? Well, a day or two after the incident I was walking back to AGO where I was staying until my lease starts. As I walked back, I noticed Peanut riding her bike and taking Azzy with her. They were going with some friends to IV Market. It was during this time that Azzy remembered me and followed me into the AGO house. Peanut's friends called her Azimuth and had to take her out of the house. They started apologizing to me, but I was fine with it. I guess Peanut did not recognize me, but at least Azimuth did.
Why is this all important? I was thinking that this parallels our relationship with God in a way. People are like Azzy in that we sometimes wander off on our own, and we get lost when we rely on our own. However, when we return to God, there is reason to be joyous. As Azzy reuniting with Peanut was joyful for them and us who were watching, it is a joyful experience to be reunited with God who created us.
I find the name Azimuth interesting. Although it is an angular measurement in a spherical coordinate system, it comes from the Arabic word for "direction". We all need direction. There's probably a lot more I could say about direction, but I might just save that for a later date.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Last week, a group consisting of Conner, David, Katie, Marly, and I went on a walk. Apparently this happened because Conner felt that he and David should go on a walk, so they invited us to go with them. While we walked down a sidewalk, they noticed a dog wondering around on its own. They decided to watch over him and play with him. During this time a man with two dogs came over and asked about the dog who still had a leash. He and the others have seen the dog around, but we did not know the owner. The man then gave us advice on how to handle the situation like looking for a name and number, then taking him to foot patrol. Since foot patrol was closed, we would have to take care of him for the night.
As we walked away from the foot patrol station and back to the sidewalk we found the dog at, we heard someone shout "Azzy" with excitement. At that point we realized it was the dog's owner. We watched as she started running as fast as she could, and Azzy started running to her as well, pulling Conner while doing so. It was an amazing sight to see a person reunite with her dog. She thanked us and introduced herself as Peanut. She then introduced the dog as Azzy. If I were to define Peanut in simpler terms I would call her a hippie, but I feel like it could be rude to do so. Even though she thinks of Azzy as more of an equal friend than her as an owner, the most important thing is that two friends are reunited. Azzy wondered off from her friend's house while she went out for a couple hours.
How did I find out Azzy's name was Azimuth? Well, a day or two after the incident I was walking back to AGO where I was staying until my lease starts. As I walked back, I noticed Peanut riding her bike and taking Azzy with her. They were going with some friends to IV Market. It was during this time that Azzy remembered me and followed me into the AGO house. Peanut's friends called her Azimuth and had to take her out of the house. They started apologizing to me, but I was fine with it. I guess Peanut did not recognize me, but at least Azimuth did.
Why is this all important? I was thinking that this parallels our relationship with God in a way. People are like Azzy in that we sometimes wander off on our own, and we get lost when we rely on our own. However, when we return to God, there is reason to be joyous. As Azzy reuniting with Peanut was joyful for them and us who were watching, it is a joyful experience to be reunited with God who created us.
I find the name Azimuth interesting. Although it is an angular measurement in a spherical coordinate system, it comes from the Arabic word for "direction". We all need direction. There's probably a lot more I could say about direction, but I might just save that for a later date.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
When Plans Fail...
Planning. It helps you focus and gives you direction. It sets expectations. It helps reach objectives. It requires a lot of control. What happens when a person does not have the control to achieve their visions from their plans?
I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.
I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.
At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.
Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.
This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.
Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.
I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I used to be a planner. I planned out what I needed to do, and I made space for things I would enjoy. I would (and still do) make sure what needed to be done came first before I went out and enjoyed myself. This was even easier in high school where most classes were already selected for me and I could use electives for theater class or participate in extracurricular activities. While cross country and tennis were a means to stay active and get some exercise, I enjoyed participating in school plays or going to youth group. I was sure I could get into college based on the grades I had in my classes. However, it was during the last half of high school where I realized that I do not have much control.
I got accepted into Azusa Pacific, but my mom threatened to disown me if I could somehow get a scholarship to go there. I did not get accepted into UC Berkeley or UCLA, the schools my parents preferred I went to. I did not get into UC Davis or Irvine, my backup choices. What other schools were I accepted to? UC Santa Cruz, Cal Poly SLO, and UC Santa Barbara where I now reside.
At this point I had no idea what I was going to do. Since I had to make a decision, I picked Santa Barbara because it was the closest to Disneyland out of the three, because I thought Cal Poly SLO would be too hard for me, and because I was not a big fan of how close Santa Cruz was to home.
Before I started my first year at UCSB, my mom found out my major was pre-communications. She immediately told me to change it, so I changed it to pre-economics to make her happy. Unfortunately that did not turn out well as my grades were not good enough to declare myself an economics major. I switched it back to pre-communications this last spring, and realized I needed a higher GPA requirement. Since I did not do so well in a statistics class I took for econ that also counted towards one of the communications classes and I did not do so well in the communications class I took last quarter, I am now in a bad position where I need to do really well in the next two or risk not getting into the major like I did with economics. I realize things do not always turn out the way I want, and I cannot please my parents all the time.
This is something I stress over. I have no idea whether I will graduate after my fourth year because I do not know if I can get into communications. I have no idea what I am doing after college besides looking for jobs that would fit with whatever I end up majoring in. I am unsure of what my backup plan will be in case I do not get into communications. At this point, I think I should either switch to sociology and drop film, or I should just do film which would not only displease my parents, but I will have trouble finding a job in that area if I do not have too many connections in it.
Long story short, I make plans and they seem to fall a lot. Ergo I feel like I always make last minute decisions to adjust to my position. As a person who wants control in my life, I need to realize that I cannot have complete control over it. Does that mean I should stop making plans? No, because I will have nothing to focus on and have nowhere to go. The only thing I can really do is trust God and know that He will provide a way. Whatever it is, what He has for me will be much better than anything I plan for myself. To be honest, I struggle with anxiety about not knowing what I am doing, so I have some trouble completely trusting Him. However, I know that I should trust Him and give all the control I wish I had up to Him.
I thought I wanted to go to a Christian university because of smaller classes and because it will have a better atmosphere. I ended up going to a school known for its parties, but I ended up finding community and a lot of growth in my faith. I grew up scared about what my parents would do if I displeased them. I learned that I cannot always please them, and I realize that the only one I really need to live for is Jesus. Have I been consistent with what I have been saying? Not really because I still stumble in that area sometimes. My life cannot be shaped into my parents' views of a "perfect son", and I cannot completely plan out my life because many things will change. The only thing I can do is know that God has a plan for me and I will seek Him with all my heart like Jeremiah 29:11-13 says. God's love is unconditional. He does not love us more or less for what we do. I want to constantly remember that in my heart.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The December 19th Room
Today I cleaned my room...a lot. I packed many things into a couple boxes to bring down to Santa Barbara where I will be living at the Plex. To be honest, I never thought I would be bringing so many things down to SB. The reason I did so was to make space...for when my cousin moves into my room. As I went through all my things, I thought of many things that came and went in my life: people, places, things...and I realize I have experienced so much to come to where I am today.
While rummaging my drawers, I've seen things like a certificate of baptism, a CD with video of my baptism in 9th grade, a letter from 2005 inviting me to become a member of my youth group, and little journals or albums with pictures of when I was in Japan. I even saw a letter from my 6th grade teacher that encouraged me a bit. Thinking back, Japan was not too bad. There were good experiences I have largely forgotten, and I am thankful that the bad experiences have helped me grow as well. It is interesting to think about how God has used all of that to bring me where I am today, and I know that there is still room to grow.
If you are curious about the title, it is because my birthday is on December 19th. The room was built while I was living here in elementary school and even before I lived in Japan. Why did I choose my birthday as the name of the room? Because my cousin who is moving into my room also has the same birthday as me. Ergo, I thought it would be interesting to name it after our birthday. Granted, there have been other people who lived in my room while I was in Japan like the sister of one of my classmates in high school who I have been in school plays with. I did not even know their family rented my house while we were in Japan until I was in the middle of high school and have known them for a while. Even though there have been other occupants who have had different birthdays, I have been the only occupant of this room while my family lived in this house, and soon my cousin with the same person will be the second.
All these random connections I formed in my head...could they all just been coincidence or did God place all these to make me think about how crazy all these connections are? Whatever the case, I still find it interesting how there is so many connections to this room. I wish I was more appreciative of it.
I remember before I moved to Japan, I did not like this room. I would sleep in my older brother's room because I did not like sleeping alone and hated how there were spider webs hanging on the corner of the ceiling above my bed. When I moved to Japan, I learned how to sleep alone in my own room, and I grew to love having my own room. After coming back from Japan, I could sleep in my own room and not go to my brother's room like I used to.
On the shelf are trophies from when I was much younger. They come from little league baseball or from Chinese school. There's at least one plaque from cross country and my high school diploma. There are also photo albums, a whole bunch of CDs from when I was younger, and other memorabilia. Now looking into the closet, it seems empty apart from a humidifier and my clothes for tomorrow before going back to Santa Barbara. The nun-chucks that mysteriously appeared in my closet has been taken by my mom to be donated. The keyboard that used to be by my balcony door has been packed into my car, and the TV that was supposed to be handed down to me from my parents' room is now being donated since I have no need for it in college. All the packaging for GBA games that used to be in one of my drawers are packed as well, and I'm leaving behind furniture, a lamp, desk lamp, a desktop computer, printer, and a radio that may or may not be donated in the future. Next to me is a Pikachu clock I plan on bringing to SB. There are other junk I really do not feel like describing.
Why am I writing all this? I just feel like reminiscing, and describing what my room is like now just helps me think about how rarely I use it now that I'm in Santa Barbara for school. While it is likely I'll be returning after I graduate, I do not know for sure. I am unsure about many things. With many of my things packed, I feel like I am moving ahead while still carrying some things from the past to remember. Although I know I should not linger on the past and focus on the future, I cannot help but think that maybe keeping some things from the past will help me remember what I have learned in the twenty years of my life. I cannot wait to see where God leads me in this next stage of my life that I have only been getting used to this past two years. Although I am worried about many things like my parents' views of the Church, I can only trust that God will lead me through it all. After all, Jesus did tell us to give up everything if we wanted to follow Him. I pray that this summer in Santa Barbara, God will help me grow even more.
Until next time,
Kenneth
While rummaging my drawers, I've seen things like a certificate of baptism, a CD with video of my baptism in 9th grade, a letter from 2005 inviting me to become a member of my youth group, and little journals or albums with pictures of when I was in Japan. I even saw a letter from my 6th grade teacher that encouraged me a bit. Thinking back, Japan was not too bad. There were good experiences I have largely forgotten, and I am thankful that the bad experiences have helped me grow as well. It is interesting to think about how God has used all of that to bring me where I am today, and I know that there is still room to grow.
If you are curious about the title, it is because my birthday is on December 19th. The room was built while I was living here in elementary school and even before I lived in Japan. Why did I choose my birthday as the name of the room? Because my cousin who is moving into my room also has the same birthday as me. Ergo, I thought it would be interesting to name it after our birthday. Granted, there have been other people who lived in my room while I was in Japan like the sister of one of my classmates in high school who I have been in school plays with. I did not even know their family rented my house while we were in Japan until I was in the middle of high school and have known them for a while. Even though there have been other occupants who have had different birthdays, I have been the only occupant of this room while my family lived in this house, and soon my cousin with the same person will be the second.
All these random connections I formed in my head...could they all just been coincidence or did God place all these to make me think about how crazy all these connections are? Whatever the case, I still find it interesting how there is so many connections to this room. I wish I was more appreciative of it.
I remember before I moved to Japan, I did not like this room. I would sleep in my older brother's room because I did not like sleeping alone and hated how there were spider webs hanging on the corner of the ceiling above my bed. When I moved to Japan, I learned how to sleep alone in my own room, and I grew to love having my own room. After coming back from Japan, I could sleep in my own room and not go to my brother's room like I used to.
On the shelf are trophies from when I was much younger. They come from little league baseball or from Chinese school. There's at least one plaque from cross country and my high school diploma. There are also photo albums, a whole bunch of CDs from when I was younger, and other memorabilia. Now looking into the closet, it seems empty apart from a humidifier and my clothes for tomorrow before going back to Santa Barbara. The nun-chucks that mysteriously appeared in my closet has been taken by my mom to be donated. The keyboard that used to be by my balcony door has been packed into my car, and the TV that was supposed to be handed down to me from my parents' room is now being donated since I have no need for it in college. All the packaging for GBA games that used to be in one of my drawers are packed as well, and I'm leaving behind furniture, a lamp, desk lamp, a desktop computer, printer, and a radio that may or may not be donated in the future. Next to me is a Pikachu clock I plan on bringing to SB. There are other junk I really do not feel like describing.
Why am I writing all this? I just feel like reminiscing, and describing what my room is like now just helps me think about how rarely I use it now that I'm in Santa Barbara for school. While it is likely I'll be returning after I graduate, I do not know for sure. I am unsure about many things. With many of my things packed, I feel like I am moving ahead while still carrying some things from the past to remember. Although I know I should not linger on the past and focus on the future, I cannot help but think that maybe keeping some things from the past will help me remember what I have learned in the twenty years of my life. I cannot wait to see where God leads me in this next stage of my life that I have only been getting used to this past two years. Although I am worried about many things like my parents' views of the Church, I can only trust that God will lead me through it all. After all, Jesus did tell us to give up everything if we wanted to follow Him. I pray that this summer in Santa Barbara, God will help me grow even more.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Imperfect...and a rant?
I am imperfect. That is a fact I have accepted.
As a human being, I can't be perfect in everything. I used to aim at being perfect in school because that was where I got the most praise from my parents. My parents used to tell me how good I was in math, so I thought of myself as a math person. In junior high and high school, I almost had straight A's. The only classes I got B's (and one C+) were in honors or AP classes. However, entering into college changed how I view myself in regards to school. It used to be that I didn't have to try too hard to succeed. Now as hard as I try, I usually end up with B's, or if it were for my major classes in Pre-econ or Pre-comm, I would get C's. I cannot seem to do well enough to get into the majors that are more practical, ones that my parents would be fine with me doing.
Growing up, I was always compared with my brothers. My mom wanted us to be "perfect" kids. She would tell my brothers that they needed to be more like me when it came to school, and she would complain about my random habits or inability to be attractive in one way or another in comparison to my brothers. Growing up, I was told I was too fat and that I need to lose weight or somehow give some of it to my brothers who were "too skinny". Now that I have changed my eating habits and lost enough weight for my mom to tell me that I'm "not fat anymore", I still have that mentality that I'm still too fat. Just recently, I've been losing a lot of hair on the back of my head that it has become thin. Meanwhile, the front of my head is pretty abundant with hair. My mom complained about it to the barber cutting my hair, and my mom then blames it on the fact that I don't go to sleep early enough. Then she finds out it was most likely from the way I manage my hair by the way I comb and because I use two in one shampoo/conditioner. She then complains that I never listen to her, which she has never told me not to use two in ones for my hair.
Recently, it feels like my parents will complain about my grades, my looks, or my characteristics, then they will blame Church for it all. They feel that I spend all my time at Church activities and not enough time studying. My mom blames "stress from going to Church too much" for my loss of hair. It feels like every time they complain about me in something, they will link it to Church in some way. They feel like my lack of stability in where I'm going after college on going to too much Church and not enough focusing on the future.
From what I learned in my communications class last quarter, we should not be making causal statements when we have not even thought of other variables that could have an effect. With that thought, I would like to tell my parents that not everything I do is a Church activity. Real Life technically is not a "Church". I mean, it is a church in the sense that it's the body of Christ, but it's not a building that people get together on Sundays for sermons. It's an organization on campus that is a ministry to reach out to college students who don't know Christ. Even if I were to count that as Church, there are plenty of activities I participate in that is not run by a Church or a ministry of sorts. It just happens that a lot of things I go to involve friends who happen to be Christians.
First, I have also gone to things run by the school or even departments of studies. Secondly, just because a lot of my pictures on Facebook seem to be involving activities related to fellowship with other Christians, it does not mean I do not study. I do all my reading, I spend time studying, and I have skipped things because of my need to study or to write a paper. Although it does not seem like it, I do make time to study, and there is no reason for me to take pictures of myself studying or to show off to other people that I am. Third, it might be other distractions like the Internet. Although people tend to point out Facebook, I do spend a lot more time browsing forums reading random topics or searching random things on Wikipedia and Google. Even so, when I know I have to study, I am actually able to focus on studying for a long period of time even if it seems that I'm on Facebook based on the chat list showing I'm online. Also, although I did well up until high school, college is different in many ways. In high school, we had many quizzes, tests, and plenty of homework to do well in, and each thing covered little bits of information. In college, we are basically graded on our midterms, papers, and finals with maybe 5% on participation. There is a much higher expectation on how college papers are graded, and the tests cover a lot more than what each test in high school did. Also, college tests are based more on understanding concepts than memorizing information. Ergo, it's harder for me to retain information for college tests. Finally, maybe I'm not doing well in my major because I'm actually not good at understanding them or am not really interested in pursuing them compared to many of the people trying to get into the same majors. Sorry for this large rant...
I also wish my parents would understand that I don't go to Church because I have to. On the contrary, I don't actually have to attend Church to be a Christian. I do it because I want to, not because of an obligation or because I was baptized in 9th grade (FYI, my mom thinks people who are baptized have to go to Church). Although my mom finds it pointless and not beneficial, I feel the opposite. She sees benefits for oneself in practicality while I see it more as an issue of the heart or mind.
I feel like I can never reach my mom's ideal of a perfect son. Actually, I KNOW I can never reach her ideal of a perfect son. And I know I'm probably not going to succeed in the business world like my dad wants me to. I am not perfect in the way my parents view as perfection, and I know I cannot become exactly how they view a perfect son. However, I should be content to know that Jesus loves me just the way I am, with all my imperfections. No matter what I do, He is not going to love me any more or less. Jesus sees us as perfect the way we are. I need to stop pursuing acceptance from my parents' standards and be content knowing that I already have Jesus' acceptance.
Sorry for the rant. It just happens that I feel like writing when I have things bothering me in my mind. One day, I will write something without it being a rant...
Until next time,
Kenneth
As a human being, I can't be perfect in everything. I used to aim at being perfect in school because that was where I got the most praise from my parents. My parents used to tell me how good I was in math, so I thought of myself as a math person. In junior high and high school, I almost had straight A's. The only classes I got B's (and one C+) were in honors or AP classes. However, entering into college changed how I view myself in regards to school. It used to be that I didn't have to try too hard to succeed. Now as hard as I try, I usually end up with B's, or if it were for my major classes in Pre-econ or Pre-comm, I would get C's. I cannot seem to do well enough to get into the majors that are more practical, ones that my parents would be fine with me doing.
Growing up, I was always compared with my brothers. My mom wanted us to be "perfect" kids. She would tell my brothers that they needed to be more like me when it came to school, and she would complain about my random habits or inability to be attractive in one way or another in comparison to my brothers. Growing up, I was told I was too fat and that I need to lose weight or somehow give some of it to my brothers who were "too skinny". Now that I have changed my eating habits and lost enough weight for my mom to tell me that I'm "not fat anymore", I still have that mentality that I'm still too fat. Just recently, I've been losing a lot of hair on the back of my head that it has become thin. Meanwhile, the front of my head is pretty abundant with hair. My mom complained about it to the barber cutting my hair, and my mom then blames it on the fact that I don't go to sleep early enough. Then she finds out it was most likely from the way I manage my hair by the way I comb and because I use two in one shampoo/conditioner. She then complains that I never listen to her, which she has never told me not to use two in ones for my hair.
Recently, it feels like my parents will complain about my grades, my looks, or my characteristics, then they will blame Church for it all. They feel that I spend all my time at Church activities and not enough time studying. My mom blames "stress from going to Church too much" for my loss of hair. It feels like every time they complain about me in something, they will link it to Church in some way. They feel like my lack of stability in where I'm going after college on going to too much Church and not enough focusing on the future.
From what I learned in my communications class last quarter, we should not be making causal statements when we have not even thought of other variables that could have an effect. With that thought, I would like to tell my parents that not everything I do is a Church activity. Real Life technically is not a "Church". I mean, it is a church in the sense that it's the body of Christ, but it's not a building that people get together on Sundays for sermons. It's an organization on campus that is a ministry to reach out to college students who don't know Christ. Even if I were to count that as Church, there are plenty of activities I participate in that is not run by a Church or a ministry of sorts. It just happens that a lot of things I go to involve friends who happen to be Christians.
First, I have also gone to things run by the school or even departments of studies. Secondly, just because a lot of my pictures on Facebook seem to be involving activities related to fellowship with other Christians, it does not mean I do not study. I do all my reading, I spend time studying, and I have skipped things because of my need to study or to write a paper. Although it does not seem like it, I do make time to study, and there is no reason for me to take pictures of myself studying or to show off to other people that I am. Third, it might be other distractions like the Internet. Although people tend to point out Facebook, I do spend a lot more time browsing forums reading random topics or searching random things on Wikipedia and Google. Even so, when I know I have to study, I am actually able to focus on studying for a long period of time even if it seems that I'm on Facebook based on the chat list showing I'm online. Also, although I did well up until high school, college is different in many ways. In high school, we had many quizzes, tests, and plenty of homework to do well in, and each thing covered little bits of information. In college, we are basically graded on our midterms, papers, and finals with maybe 5% on participation. There is a much higher expectation on how college papers are graded, and the tests cover a lot more than what each test in high school did. Also, college tests are based more on understanding concepts than memorizing information. Ergo, it's harder for me to retain information for college tests. Finally, maybe I'm not doing well in my major because I'm actually not good at understanding them or am not really interested in pursuing them compared to many of the people trying to get into the same majors. Sorry for this large rant...
I also wish my parents would understand that I don't go to Church because I have to. On the contrary, I don't actually have to attend Church to be a Christian. I do it because I want to, not because of an obligation or because I was baptized in 9th grade (FYI, my mom thinks people who are baptized have to go to Church). Although my mom finds it pointless and not beneficial, I feel the opposite. She sees benefits for oneself in practicality while I see it more as an issue of the heart or mind.
I feel like I can never reach my mom's ideal of a perfect son. Actually, I KNOW I can never reach her ideal of a perfect son. And I know I'm probably not going to succeed in the business world like my dad wants me to. I am not perfect in the way my parents view as perfection, and I know I cannot become exactly how they view a perfect son. However, I should be content to know that Jesus loves me just the way I am, with all my imperfections. No matter what I do, He is not going to love me any more or less. Jesus sees us as perfect the way we are. I need to stop pursuing acceptance from my parents' standards and be content knowing that I already have Jesus' acceptance.
Sorry for the rant. It just happens that I feel like writing when I have things bothering me in my mind. One day, I will write something without it being a rant...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Self-Criticism...
I don't read the Bible often enough. I lack any motivation or any plan. Sometimes I act out of selfishness. Sometimes I envy things, and sometimes I'm jealous. I wish my body was in better shape. I wish I was better at _____. Sometimes I can be narcissistic. I'm an attention seeker. I criticize myself or my thoughts. Those are probably only a tiny fraction of my flaws.
I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.
I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.
In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.
I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.
In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)