This weekend, I spent half of it with my fellow sophomores in some cabins at Lake Nacimiento. Can I say it was probably the best retreat I have ever been on? Well, I do say that for a lot of retreats, but I felt like I connected with so many people in just two days and got so much out of it. I felt a lot closer to some of the people, and it was a time where we could enjoy each others presence.
There was no speaker that I would fall asleep listening to like most retreats, and I didn't feel tired during small group discussions. That last part I could attribute to some of the deep questions brought up by the people in my group, and Ian definitely made me think a lot. Quiet time was great too. I went down the stairs outside to the lake where I either took pictures or just prayed.
We definitely did a lot together as a community. As bad as rainy weather seems, I would like to say that it forced everyone to be inside together. It was so much easier to talk to people because no one would wander off in the rain. Playing games like catchphrase, fishbowl, animals, and red rum were fun as well. There was also a competition to prepare food for the opposite gender. During that time, Andrew led us to create a tasty meal of stir fry, and desserts consisted of strawberries, pretzels, and bananas dipped in chocolate. The girls made fajitas, so we could put whatever we wanted in our dinner. They also bought ice cream for us. It was definitely great that we could bless each other by preparing dinner.
What was my favorite part of the trip? I'd have to say the last night we stayed there. We started worship about nine, and it became a time where many people started sharing their testimonies. I felt like I learned so much about some of my fellow classmates during that time. It was great seeing almost everyone in the room crying, including people I never saw cry before. There was also lots of hugging that occurred during the time. It was also encouraging for me to hear how much of the blessing our class and the trip was to some people, especially to those who are not believers but still decided to show up. God totally moved during that time.
Although I have already shared my testimony to some of the people there, I felt God leading me to share it with everyone there. I ended up sharing a shorter version of my short version of my testimony, so I forgot to mention some details. I also decided to mention some things I never really thought about mentioning until last night. As a result of making a last minute decision to do it and wanting to hear others share their testimonies, I felt like I did not share enough. I definitely felt more vulnerable sharing my past with 30 people, but I knew I forgot to talk about so much that I had to have people ask questions. Meredith and Michelle both asked questions, and Michelle reminded me of how much everyone really cared about me. They were both encouraging during that time. I felt even more encouraged and knew that I was supposed to share when Claire and Michelle told me afterward that they felt God wanted me to share my testimony.
This retreat was a time of bonding as a community, and also a time to learn more about God's love for us. God totally moved during the retreat. I'm already excited for the next time we do something like this. Although I've written quite a bit of my thoughts on the retreat, I feel like there's so much more I could write but don't have the energy to. If you were there for my super short version of my testimony, or if you weren't, and you would like to hear more, I would encourage you to ask me to talk more. I'd be glad to meet up with you sometime because I feel like there's so much I could share but didn't have the time to or forgot to mention them.
Anyways, I should be off to bed now...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Another Post on Dreams...
Dreams can be a very intriguing concept. It's a place where you can have ideas, where stories come to life, where the impossible happen, where your worst nightmares may come to life, and where things may not make any sense. It can also be a place of self discovery. God can also use dreams to talk to us.
Recently I've been starting to type out whatever dreams I may remember and feel have a significant meaning. Instead of buying an actual journal, I just write one in my computer. If I look back at them, I think, "I have some of the most ridiculous dreams." Seriously, they do not make too much sense. Some of them involve people from my high school, some I haven't even seen since graduating. Some of my dreams have elements from video games being in "real life", and some dreams also have children being a big focus.
If I try to remember back a few years, I can think of multiple dreams where I'm running around in an urban setting, going through department stores or malls or hotels either trying to run away from something or searching. What do I run from? What am I looking for? I have no idea. These department stores in settings that remind me of Tokyo seem to come once in a while.
The last one I had with that type of setting was a dream about going to a conference. We were staying at a hotel/department store in a city that reminded me of Tokyo, but with smaller buildings and was supposedly two hours away from Santa Barbara. I decided to go to a random floor, and on that floor there was a room filled with stuffed Pichu. There were carnival or arcade games where the prize was Pichu, the floor was occupied by them, and they were hanging on walls. The room also reminded me of another game room I've been to in another dream from a long time ago, but remodeled and filled with Pichu dolls. Then I left the room to go to the top floor where my room was supposed to be. When I got to the top floor, I saw a glass case that jewelry stores usually have, and there was a section with no wall, which left the room exposed to open air. On closer inspection of the case, I noticed there was ice cream and other random snacks in them. Then some freshman girl asked what I was doing. I then explained I was trying to pick something out. She asked when I was planning on leaving. I told her I would leave on Monday because I would need to be back for a midterm. She then told me that she planned on staying for the whole conference which ended on Tuesday, and she was skipping a midterm for it. She then tried to convince me to stay.
About a month ago, I had a dream where I came back to the dorms of UCSB, except it was also transformed into a shopping mall of sorts. The top floor was the dorm lounge, but there was a handicap ramp down into the rest of the building which was basically the mall. I wanted to get the rest of my things, so I decided to go out the fire exit. When I opened the door for the fire exit, I noticed that if I took another step, I would fall down a few stories. The fire escape was to the side of the door instead of right behind it, so I did not want to risk falling. Instead, I decided to run down the stairs or handicap ramp. As I ran down each story, I got to the second floor where people were handing out free samples of candy and chocolate.
I also remember dreams where I was either in Japan or on vacation somewhere, and I just ran around exploring shopping centers or malls. There was even one where I ran around a fancy hotel with the walls being mirrors. I've also hopped between trains in some dreams. Again, I am not sure whether I was running from something or searching for something. I am curious to know why I would be running around in places like that. There must be a reason I would be going through the trouble of running through different levels, jumping down stairs or having parkour skills to climb up to different levels. Whatever the case, I find it amusing I would have so many dreams set in department stores/malls/hotels. I'm sure a psychologist would be interested in studying that.
Anyways, I should be studying for a quiz...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Recently I've been starting to type out whatever dreams I may remember and feel have a significant meaning. Instead of buying an actual journal, I just write one in my computer. If I look back at them, I think, "I have some of the most ridiculous dreams." Seriously, they do not make too much sense. Some of them involve people from my high school, some I haven't even seen since graduating. Some of my dreams have elements from video games being in "real life", and some dreams also have children being a big focus.
If I try to remember back a few years, I can think of multiple dreams where I'm running around in an urban setting, going through department stores or malls or hotels either trying to run away from something or searching. What do I run from? What am I looking for? I have no idea. These department stores in settings that remind me of Tokyo seem to come once in a while.
The last one I had with that type of setting was a dream about going to a conference. We were staying at a hotel/department store in a city that reminded me of Tokyo, but with smaller buildings and was supposedly two hours away from Santa Barbara. I decided to go to a random floor, and on that floor there was a room filled with stuffed Pichu. There were carnival or arcade games where the prize was Pichu, the floor was occupied by them, and they were hanging on walls. The room also reminded me of another game room I've been to in another dream from a long time ago, but remodeled and filled with Pichu dolls. Then I left the room to go to the top floor where my room was supposed to be. When I got to the top floor, I saw a glass case that jewelry stores usually have, and there was a section with no wall, which left the room exposed to open air. On closer inspection of the case, I noticed there was ice cream and other random snacks in them. Then some freshman girl asked what I was doing. I then explained I was trying to pick something out. She asked when I was planning on leaving. I told her I would leave on Monday because I would need to be back for a midterm. She then told me that she planned on staying for the whole conference which ended on Tuesday, and she was skipping a midterm for it. She then tried to convince me to stay.
About a month ago, I had a dream where I came back to the dorms of UCSB, except it was also transformed into a shopping mall of sorts. The top floor was the dorm lounge, but there was a handicap ramp down into the rest of the building which was basically the mall. I wanted to get the rest of my things, so I decided to go out the fire exit. When I opened the door for the fire exit, I noticed that if I took another step, I would fall down a few stories. The fire escape was to the side of the door instead of right behind it, so I did not want to risk falling. Instead, I decided to run down the stairs or handicap ramp. As I ran down each story, I got to the second floor where people were handing out free samples of candy and chocolate.
I also remember dreams where I was either in Japan or on vacation somewhere, and I just ran around exploring shopping centers or malls. There was even one where I ran around a fancy hotel with the walls being mirrors. I've also hopped between trains in some dreams. Again, I am not sure whether I was running from something or searching for something. I am curious to know why I would be running around in places like that. There must be a reason I would be going through the trouble of running through different levels, jumping down stairs or having parkour skills to climb up to different levels. Whatever the case, I find it amusing I would have so many dreams set in department stores/malls/hotels. I'm sure a psychologist would be interested in studying that.
Anyways, I should be studying for a quiz...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Illuminate: West Coast Epic Conference 2011
Last weekend I was back up in San Francisco for Epic Conference. If you don't know what Epic is, it is a ministry for reaching out to Asian Americans. In UCSB, it is one of the movements working with Campus Crusade although it's also independent from Campus Crusades on other campuses.
The theme for Epic Conference this year was Illuminate. Conference started Friday night and ended after the morning session on Monday. We had Monday off school because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The schedule for the weekend was pretty packed, so the only time we got to really socialize was at night or during meals. There was a main meeting during the mornings and nights, and the afternoons were different each day. Saturday afternoon we went to two seminars, and we went outreaching on Sunday afternoon.
Although I barely had any sleep during the whole weekend and was half asleep in some of the sessions, I still learned a lot during it. I learned a lot more about myself and realized things I have not thought of before. I also got to meet many other Asian Americans who were part of Epic in different schools. From here I will summarize sessions by copying off notes I wrote down.
Saturday morning, We talked about how we should not present ourselves as perfect and should allow ourselves to be human. Jesus showed emotion which is something many Christians tend to try and not show.
During the afternoon we had seminars. I had to pick two out of a plethora of good ones, so I ended up going to "Changing in Him" and "Healthy Relationships". During "Changing in Him", the speaker talked about becoming our true selves which is a topic I believe I discussed earlier in this blog. God is the prime reality and we need to live in both grace and truth, People tend to live in one or the other. Growth comes from both truth and grace, and it needs time. Without love, there is no growth. Bonding is the first and foremost stage to growth. When we attack and judge, it describes what's going on in us. The speaker tells us we need to begin to believe in ourselves. He also said obedience does not necessarily mean honoring...or was it respecting. I was half asleep so I didn't really get that.
During the "Healthy Relationships" seminar, we talked about how we need to connect with both God and people. "God made us to have a longing for the longing." We can't grow without grace, and healthy relationships is not an optional thing. Some things required in a healthy relationship is mutuality, trust, addressing our emotions, and other things. When it comes to mutuality, they talked about support and equality. It is about two complete people, not just one. Relationships are not to complete you. Complementary relationships are fun and healthy while completing is looking for people to take care of our own immaturity. We all need to become competent in areas we are weak in. After covering mutuality, we talked about how we need to address our emotions. A relationship is not someone taking care of you; it's taking responsibility. You need to take ownership of yourself. Growing in relationships involve risk. You have to invite risk, change, and growth for a healthy relationship. It is not healthy if you feel like you are stuck in one you need to be in and have no freedom. If you feel like you'll fall apart if you lose a relationship, something is wrong. They are fun if you can choose to be in them. "If there is no conflict in a relationship, one person isn't needed or one person is eating a lot of dirt." Having a relationship involves living with differences that aren't comfortable.
Saturday night related Jesus' life to Israel. It also talked about II Corinthians 5:21 and its implications: that we are fully loved, fully accepted, have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear. It is not based on what I've done, but based on Christ's love. Sunday morning talked about how it's Jesus who triumphs in our weakness, not us. We have to realize how much we have been forgiven. Sunday night talked about how 1 Peter is a book about minorities. It references a bunch of old testament books, and we are called to be chosen people of God. We are His inheritance. The speaker then talked about how our heritage is a gift from God to be used for His gospel to the world. We are called to be Royal Priesthood. We also talked about Holiness in community.
Finally, Monday morning talked about how we are in God's family and how we aren't second class. We are the heir of God the King and we own everything He owns. We are called to declare God's praises to the nations or the world. God provides Himself as a source of strength. We have our own identity and our own voice. We aren't defined as Asians or as Americans, but we are defined as God's children.
Now that I'm done summarizing notes, I will write my thoughts on conference. It was definitely interesting meeting a whole bunch of Asian American Christians in one place. We all came from different backgrounds, and we each have our own stories. However, I loved how I can relate to some of the topics covered during conference. I was reminded that honoring my parents does not necessarily mean obeying them in everything. I definitely learned more about identifying myself as an Asian-American. It was also interesting to meet non-Christians who decided to attend the conference. I was curious about what they thought of the whole thing. Of course, it was also fun hanging out with people in the middle of the night after the night session. Overall, it was an awesome experience being able to attend the conference. I'm now too tired to write more on what I've learned during conference, so I'll end on this note.
Until next time!
Kenneth
The theme for Epic Conference this year was Illuminate. Conference started Friday night and ended after the morning session on Monday. We had Monday off school because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The schedule for the weekend was pretty packed, so the only time we got to really socialize was at night or during meals. There was a main meeting during the mornings and nights, and the afternoons were different each day. Saturday afternoon we went to two seminars, and we went outreaching on Sunday afternoon.
Although I barely had any sleep during the whole weekend and was half asleep in some of the sessions, I still learned a lot during it. I learned a lot more about myself and realized things I have not thought of before. I also got to meet many other Asian Americans who were part of Epic in different schools. From here I will summarize sessions by copying off notes I wrote down.
Saturday morning, We talked about how we should not present ourselves as perfect and should allow ourselves to be human. Jesus showed emotion which is something many Christians tend to try and not show.
Emotional Health and Spiritual Maturity are Inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.The speaker also talked about the "Emotional Jug". We feel a plethora of emotions, but we put a "lid of indifference". As a result, we start leaking all over the place. We think we need to ignore to love, but that is not how it works. Asians tend to be passive-aggressive. We feel like it's better to stay silent because we don't know how to handle our emotions. Since we contain our emotions, we leak until we blow up. The speaker then says how we would rather keep the peace when in reality we are living lies. Instead of hiding our emotions, we need to learn to manage them. While to persevere is a virtuous task, doing it without emotions is more harmful than good. Usually it's harder for men to embrace their feelings. One final thing he said that morning that stuck out to me was that we tend to be dishonest with God.
During the afternoon we had seminars. I had to pick two out of a plethora of good ones, so I ended up going to "Changing in Him" and "Healthy Relationships". During "Changing in Him", the speaker talked about becoming our true selves which is a topic I believe I discussed earlier in this blog. God is the prime reality and we need to live in both grace and truth, People tend to live in one or the other. Growth comes from both truth and grace, and it needs time. Without love, there is no growth. Bonding is the first and foremost stage to growth. When we attack and judge, it describes what's going on in us. The speaker tells us we need to begin to believe in ourselves. He also said obedience does not necessarily mean honoring...or was it respecting. I was half asleep so I didn't really get that.
During the "Healthy Relationships" seminar, we talked about how we need to connect with both God and people. "God made us to have a longing for the longing." We can't grow without grace, and healthy relationships is not an optional thing. Some things required in a healthy relationship is mutuality, trust, addressing our emotions, and other things. When it comes to mutuality, they talked about support and equality. It is about two complete people, not just one. Relationships are not to complete you. Complementary relationships are fun and healthy while completing is looking for people to take care of our own immaturity. We all need to become competent in areas we are weak in. After covering mutuality, we talked about how we need to address our emotions. A relationship is not someone taking care of you; it's taking responsibility. You need to take ownership of yourself. Growing in relationships involve risk. You have to invite risk, change, and growth for a healthy relationship. It is not healthy if you feel like you are stuck in one you need to be in and have no freedom. If you feel like you'll fall apart if you lose a relationship, something is wrong. They are fun if you can choose to be in them. "If there is no conflict in a relationship, one person isn't needed or one person is eating a lot of dirt." Having a relationship involves living with differences that aren't comfortable.
Saturday night related Jesus' life to Israel. It also talked about II Corinthians 5:21 and its implications: that we are fully loved, fully accepted, have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear. It is not based on what I've done, but based on Christ's love. Sunday morning talked about how it's Jesus who triumphs in our weakness, not us. We have to realize how much we have been forgiven. Sunday night talked about how 1 Peter is a book about minorities. It references a bunch of old testament books, and we are called to be chosen people of God. We are His inheritance. The speaker then talked about how our heritage is a gift from God to be used for His gospel to the world. We are called to be Royal Priesthood. We also talked about Holiness in community.
Finally, Monday morning talked about how we are in God's family and how we aren't second class. We are the heir of God the King and we own everything He owns. We are called to declare God's praises to the nations or the world. God provides Himself as a source of strength. We have our own identity and our own voice. We aren't defined as Asians or as Americans, but we are defined as God's children.
Now that I'm done summarizing notes, I will write my thoughts on conference. It was definitely interesting meeting a whole bunch of Asian American Christians in one place. We all came from different backgrounds, and we each have our own stories. However, I loved how I can relate to some of the topics covered during conference. I was reminded that honoring my parents does not necessarily mean obeying them in everything. I definitely learned more about identifying myself as an Asian-American. It was also interesting to meet non-Christians who decided to attend the conference. I was curious about what they thought of the whole thing. Of course, it was also fun hanging out with people in the middle of the night after the night session. Overall, it was an awesome experience being able to attend the conference. I'm now too tired to write more on what I've learned during conference, so I'll end on this note.
Until next time!
Kenneth
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011
It's hard to believe it's 2011 already. I still have trouble thinking of myself as 20 years old. 2010 had been a pretty amazing year. I feel like as each year comes, things keep getting better and better. Obviously there are still some tough times and things I struggle with, but I don't plan on letting those keep me down.
It seriously has been a wonderful year with college. I've met a majority of my Real Life Class of 2013 friends in January or April, and God has continued to remind me of how much He loves me. I could attempt to summarize my year, but then I would have to look at my past blog posts to remind myself.
I'm the type of person who doesn't make New Years resolutions. Why you ask? It is because I know I will probably forget them. I'm also the type of person who can be a perfectionist when it comes to myself, but still save everything for the last minute. However, my perfectionism isn't enough for me to want to double check whatever papers I write or whatever schoolwork I do. It's like a paradox. I don't know why I went off on this tangent, but I'm not going to erase it.
Here is the prayer I wrote in the prayer journal at the International House of Prayer East Bay just a couple hours before the new year started:
Anyways, the last year had been a pretty awesome year. It was awesome being a part of Real Life in UCSB, and it was great becoming a part of the Epic ohana. It has also been awesome going to Reality (although I fall asleep in service sometimes...), and I love how Isla Vista Church is like a family. Meeting so many loving Christians had been a blessing. I want to thank God for bringing me into such awesome communities. Of course, I feel like there are people who feel that I'm not open about myself, and so I hope with this year I can grow closer with everyone.
For the rest of this post, I'm going to mention some awesome people who came into my life this ye...err I mean last year. Of course, I'm probably not going to mention everyone because then this list would be too long. I'm also going to call them by the nicknames I have in my head that I don't usually say out loud unless I don't actually have a nickname for them. Ian Charbonnet, Mere Bear, Melton, Klezek, Amanda manda manda manda manda Chiang, Jodan-san, Dah-veed (Salazar), David Hoang, Mee-shell Quesadilla, Claire Bear...actually I think I'll stop now because there's too many people to mention. I wuvs yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuzzz!!!! That was probably the least formal thing I wrote on this blog so far...ever.
Of course, there are plenty of awesome people back in the Bay Area too. I feel like I have to mention Ryan Frank, but I'm also too lazy to make another list of people only to end it too early.
2010 was a pretty amazing year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2011. When Todd Benjamin Lout, my youth pastor, asked in a facebook status "What are your goals for 2011?" my answer was "To spend more time with God...because I get distracted easily..." Pray that I can keep this goal and not get so distracted.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It seriously has been a wonderful year with college. I've met a majority of my Real Life Class of 2013 friends in January or April, and God has continued to remind me of how much He loves me. I could attempt to summarize my year, but then I would have to look at my past blog posts to remind myself.
I'm the type of person who doesn't make New Years resolutions. Why you ask? It is because I know I will probably forget them. I'm also the type of person who can be a perfectionist when it comes to myself, but still save everything for the last minute. However, my perfectionism isn't enough for me to want to double check whatever papers I write or whatever schoolwork I do. It's like a paradox. I don't know why I went off on this tangent, but I'm not going to erase it.
Here is the prayer I wrote in the prayer journal at the International House of Prayer East Bay just a couple hours before the new year started:
Praise God! Jesus, thank you for all that you have done for me, thank you for life, for loving me, for freedom in YOU! Thank you for blessing me with so much this year, for all my friends that I've met who help me open up and grow more in you! Thank you for giving me boldness in sharing my testimony this year. Thank you for bringing me through struggles. I pray for more growth this year; to seek you more. You are number 1! I pray that you will bless IHOP East Bay, and I want to pray for the 24/7 prayer movement starting up in Isla Vista this summer. I love you Daddy!Maybe this seems more like something I should have written during Thanksgiving...
-Kenneth S.
Anyways, the last year had been a pretty awesome year. It was awesome being a part of Real Life in UCSB, and it was great becoming a part of the Epic ohana. It has also been awesome going to Reality (although I fall asleep in service sometimes...), and I love how Isla Vista Church is like a family. Meeting so many loving Christians had been a blessing. I want to thank God for bringing me into such awesome communities. Of course, I feel like there are people who feel that I'm not open about myself, and so I hope with this year I can grow closer with everyone.
For the rest of this post, I'm going to mention some awesome people who came into my life this ye...err I mean last year. Of course, I'm probably not going to mention everyone because then this list would be too long. I'm also going to call them by the nicknames I have in my head that I don't usually say out loud unless I don't actually have a nickname for them. Ian Charbonnet, Mere Bear, Melton, Klezek, Amanda manda manda manda manda Chiang, Jodan-san, Dah-veed (Salazar), David Hoang, Mee-shell Quesadilla, Claire Bear...actually I think I'll stop now because there's too many people to mention. I wuvs yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuzzz!!!! That was probably the least formal thing I wrote on this blog so far...ever.
Of course, there are plenty of awesome people back in the Bay Area too. I feel like I have to mention Ryan Frank, but I'm also too lazy to make another list of people only to end it too early.
2010 was a pretty amazing year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2011. When Todd Benjamin Lout, my youth pastor, asked in a facebook status "What are your goals for 2011?" my answer was "To spend more time with God...because I get distracted easily..." Pray that I can keep this goal and not get so distracted.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
INFP...Healer and Idealist
I am an INFP...at least according to a personality test I took. What does it mean? It means I'm an Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, and Perceiver. According to some sources, only 1% of the population is an INFP. That makes me unique compared to most people. Seeing that statistic helped me realize God made me so different from most people for a reason.
According to an app on facebook:
As one group on a website says:
Reading through a discussion topic of people who are all INFP, I find myself very similar to them. We find that most people cannot understand us. We constantly seek self-improvement, are into self-exploration, are critical of ourselves, and we went to be organized in some ways. We can be seen as perfectionists, so we end up with high expectations. We can also be described by others as "chameleons", which means we can blend in with any group. I guess that's why I never really got into a clique. It's hard for us to get into small talk because we feel like it's not worth our time. I have an easier time getting started on things than ending things, but I still tend to save it for later in case I decide to change my mind.
When it comes to seeing the big picture over the minute detail...I definitely see that when I organized a hangout for my birthday but didn't actually decide what we would do until the last minute. I guess the fact that I feel so different from most people is also why I try to participate in everything and hang out with people, which sort of makes me extroverted at times. However, it still makes me use energy to do that instead of getting energy sometimes. As one Canadian says, "INFP is a tremendous mixture of melancholy, beauty and boundless innocence and wonder..." I find that to be quite accurate. The thing about falling in love easily also happens, but that's where my thinking process comes in and says no...either that or the perfectionist side. But then, someone describes INFP as loving "EVERYONE WITH SUCH FERVENT PASSION". I find that hilarious, but true about myself.
INFP people also tend to find people's conversations shallow...which perfectly explains why I have trouble getting into conversations. We usually find them meaningless. It could also be because we find it easier to communicate our emotions and thoughts through writing than actually speaking. I definitely go through that with my blog. It's easier for me to describe what I'm going through with this than actually talking.
Not only is it hard for people to completely understand me, I also have trouble understanding myself. I found it interesting when another INFP said he experienced that. I'm a daydreamer, always thinking, always analyzing, and I am organized in some areas but not in others. I love art and creativity, which can be seen in my love of animation and the fact that I see video games as a form of art. We see potential in humanity, but also recognize the reality and value of suffering.
There's more to it than what I have, but I feel like it's sufficient for now. I also must let you know that a lot of the descriptions are taking from other people's posts in a discussion topic. One guy criticized us for being narcissists. Writing all this about myself makes me feel like one, and you should know I hate feeling like I'm a narcissist. However, I do feel like I can relate to a lot of what other INFPs say.
This is not to say the description of an INFP completely describes me. There's probably more to myself that these results cannot say. It does give a basic idea of who I am though. It makes me wonder how this all fits into whatever plan God has for me. It's awesome to know we have a Dad who loves us for who we are.
In the past I would put a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me. I would think people hated me when in reality they probably didn't. There are plenty of INFP people who think that. In fact, we are the people who everyone seems to like but don't care about hanging out with. I still think a lot of people don't care about me even though I KNOW that is not the case. Even knowing that I have a lot of amazing friends who care about me, I know that my God is an all powerful God who loves me even when I do not deserve it. With all the pessimism I have of myself as an INFP, it's great to know my Daddy loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I hope this post enlightens you more about who I am, and I hope it encourages you in knowing that your heavenly daddy loves you the way you are and made you perfectly as you are. I also hope that you don't think I'm trying to hide my identity from anyone. I am the way I am because I was made that way.
Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
As a final note, I think it would be an interesting topic to know what type of person you are.
Until next time,
Kenneth
According to an app on facebook:
In general, INFPs focus deeply on their values, and they devote their lives to pursuing the ideal. They often draw people together around a common purpose and work to find a place for each person within the group. They are creative, and they seek new ideas and possibilities. They quietly push for what is important to them, and they rarely give up. While they have a gentleness about them, and a delightful sense of humor, they may be somewhat difficult to get to know and may be overlooked by others. They are at their best making their world more in line with their internal vision of perfection.I don't know if that accurately describes me, but when it does into detail about each part, I think it's pretty accurate about myself. I'm 35% in the direction of introversion. "Introverts are more reserved, quiet, and contemplative than most. While they enjoy socializing, they also can become absorbed in private thought and enjoy time alone." I'm 74% in the direction of intuitiveness which focuses more on the big picture and overlook the details. People see me as absent-minded when I notice more than they think. Also, "They enjoy considering the ways people or ideas are connected." I'm 3% feeler, which means I'm caring, supportive, and appreciative. I also prefer to cooperate than argue. I can see why I'm only 3% when I tend to think a lot as well. Finally, I'm 75% in the direction of perceiving.
People who are clearly Perceivers lead a flexible, spontaneous lifestyle and avoid making definite plans whenever possible. They get excited by starting something new but find it difficult to finish. They see all sides of every situation, so much so that it is often unclear to them what's "right". When faced with a decision, they will put it off for as long as possible in order to consider all their options. Even once the decision is made, they often second guess themselves.Personally, I find these descriptions pretty accurate.
As one group on a website says:
As INFP's we are idealists, dreamers, healers and romantics! Some might say we view life through 'rose colored glasses'. We have a rare capacity for deep caring and commitment, both to people and causes we believe in. Often others view us as reserved and cool when inwardly we experience life very intensely! We never seem to lose our sense of wonder and sometimes we may feel as if we have been imported from another galaxy!Yeah...I feel that is accurate as well.
Reading through a discussion topic of people who are all INFP, I find myself very similar to them. We find that most people cannot understand us. We constantly seek self-improvement, are into self-exploration, are critical of ourselves, and we went to be organized in some ways. We can be seen as perfectionists, so we end up with high expectations. We can also be described by others as "chameleons", which means we can blend in with any group. I guess that's why I never really got into a clique. It's hard for us to get into small talk because we feel like it's not worth our time. I have an easier time getting started on things than ending things, but I still tend to save it for later in case I decide to change my mind.
When it comes to seeing the big picture over the minute detail...I definitely see that when I organized a hangout for my birthday but didn't actually decide what we would do until the last minute. I guess the fact that I feel so different from most people is also why I try to participate in everything and hang out with people, which sort of makes me extroverted at times. However, it still makes me use energy to do that instead of getting energy sometimes. As one Canadian says, "INFP is a tremendous mixture of melancholy, beauty and boundless innocence and wonder..." I find that to be quite accurate. The thing about falling in love easily also happens, but that's where my thinking process comes in and says no...either that or the perfectionist side. But then, someone describes INFP as loving "EVERYONE WITH SUCH FERVENT PASSION". I find that hilarious, but true about myself.
INFP people also tend to find people's conversations shallow...which perfectly explains why I have trouble getting into conversations. We usually find them meaningless. It could also be because we find it easier to communicate our emotions and thoughts through writing than actually speaking. I definitely go through that with my blog. It's easier for me to describe what I'm going through with this than actually talking.
Not only is it hard for people to completely understand me, I also have trouble understanding myself. I found it interesting when another INFP said he experienced that. I'm a daydreamer, always thinking, always analyzing, and I am organized in some areas but not in others. I love art and creativity, which can be seen in my love of animation and the fact that I see video games as a form of art. We see potential in humanity, but also recognize the reality and value of suffering.
There's more to it than what I have, but I feel like it's sufficient for now. I also must let you know that a lot of the descriptions are taking from other people's posts in a discussion topic. One guy criticized us for being narcissists. Writing all this about myself makes me feel like one, and you should know I hate feeling like I'm a narcissist. However, I do feel like I can relate to a lot of what other INFPs say.
This is not to say the description of an INFP completely describes me. There's probably more to myself that these results cannot say. It does give a basic idea of who I am though. It makes me wonder how this all fits into whatever plan God has for me. It's awesome to know we have a Dad who loves us for who we are.
In the past I would put a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me. I would think people hated me when in reality they probably didn't. There are plenty of INFP people who think that. In fact, we are the people who everyone seems to like but don't care about hanging out with. I still think a lot of people don't care about me even though I KNOW that is not the case. Even knowing that I have a lot of amazing friends who care about me, I know that my God is an all powerful God who loves me even when I do not deserve it. With all the pessimism I have of myself as an INFP, it's great to know my Daddy loves me just the way I am.
Dear reader, I hope this post enlightens you more about who I am, and I hope it encourages you in knowing that your heavenly daddy loves you the way you are and made you perfectly as you are. I also hope that you don't think I'm trying to hide my identity from anyone. I am the way I am because I was made that way.
Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
As a final note, I think it would be an interesting topic to know what type of person you are.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Patience...
Aah patience...it's something I have sometimes while at other times I don't have it. Sometimes I wonder how it works. How is it that I can spend so much time during breaks to catch legendary Pokemon only to soft reset and try again when I do not get the right nature and individual values? Actually, I don't have the patience. I end up multitasking with facebook or watching TV while I play Pokemon. I also eventually give up and settle with mediocre individual values because I'm sure it would take forever before I can get amazing ones.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, for one I definitely need more patience in other aspects. I show up to things early because I am impatient and do not want to be late. I need patience when I do my homework or reading because I tend to skim when I read or procrastinate when I study or write papers. I do not analyze more thoroughly when I decide to read a chapter from the Bible to understand what the text says. I do not have patience when I'm told to help my younger brother with his homework while I'm at home. I tend to check the time a lot. I finish my food quickly. By now I probably gave more than enough examples...
I definitely need more patience when it comes to talking with my mom. It's something I realized while I have been at home. I find it difficult to listen to my mom speak when I feel like she's too controlling. I realize her way of showing love is to tell me what to do because she feels that she knows what is best for me, but all it does is make me feel stressed or uncomfortable about my own image. She has all these hopes of me going to Berkeley for grad school right after I finish undergrad at UCSB, so she expects me to spend my summer doing an internship or go to summer school while I would prefer to go on summer project or be a part of a prayer ministry. She used to tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Now that I have lost some weight, she tells me that the way I dress is ugly and it looks like I'm going to a funeral everyday. Then she would tell me that she only says this because she wants me to be able to find a girlfriend and that I will never get married if I wear black t-shirts or weigh as much as I do. Anything she finds about me as a "flaw", she will immediately blame it on the fact that I go to church.
1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. If I try to speak my thoughts calmly, she gets mad and I feel impatient. Does that mean I do not love my mom? I hope not. Maybe taking in all the hits then ranting about it later to others is not the best way in being patient. The only way I feel like I can please my mom is by trying to obey her as much as I can. It may be why I made an effort to lose weight in the first place by eating less when I was at school. I guess one of the ways I deal with all the stress my mom puts on me is having more patience in playing video games. It maybe why I'm online all the time when I'm at home.
This impatience may have also been put into my time with God. Sometimes I do have patience and can spend a couple hours in the prayer room. However, sometimes I still spend a little bit of time in prayer and then leave. My thoughts may wander elsewhere. I feel like I may be in a dry season where I don't feel like I'm spending enough time with God. I have to constantly remind myself that He loves me unconditionally and that I don't have to make an effort to please Him. It's funny how I feel like I don't have enough patience sometimes.
Dear reader, I would like you to pray for me, that I may have more patience at this time. I need it to live with all the criticism I get from my mom. I also need it to continue seeking to make my relationship with God deeper. That is all for now.
Kenneth
What does that have to do with anything? Well, for one I definitely need more patience in other aspects. I show up to things early because I am impatient and do not want to be late. I need patience when I do my homework or reading because I tend to skim when I read or procrastinate when I study or write papers. I do not analyze more thoroughly when I decide to read a chapter from the Bible to understand what the text says. I do not have patience when I'm told to help my younger brother with his homework while I'm at home. I tend to check the time a lot. I finish my food quickly. By now I probably gave more than enough examples...
I definitely need more patience when it comes to talking with my mom. It's something I realized while I have been at home. I find it difficult to listen to my mom speak when I feel like she's too controlling. I realize her way of showing love is to tell me what to do because she feels that she knows what is best for me, but all it does is make me feel stressed or uncomfortable about my own image. She has all these hopes of me going to Berkeley for grad school right after I finish undergrad at UCSB, so she expects me to spend my summer doing an internship or go to summer school while I would prefer to go on summer project or be a part of a prayer ministry. She used to tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Now that I have lost some weight, she tells me that the way I dress is ugly and it looks like I'm going to a funeral everyday. Then she would tell me that she only says this because she wants me to be able to find a girlfriend and that I will never get married if I wear black t-shirts or weigh as much as I do. Anything she finds about me as a "flaw", she will immediately blame it on the fact that I go to church.
1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. If I try to speak my thoughts calmly, she gets mad and I feel impatient. Does that mean I do not love my mom? I hope not. Maybe taking in all the hits then ranting about it later to others is not the best way in being patient. The only way I feel like I can please my mom is by trying to obey her as much as I can. It may be why I made an effort to lose weight in the first place by eating less when I was at school. I guess one of the ways I deal with all the stress my mom puts on me is having more patience in playing video games. It maybe why I'm online all the time when I'm at home.
This impatience may have also been put into my time with God. Sometimes I do have patience and can spend a couple hours in the prayer room. However, sometimes I still spend a little bit of time in prayer and then leave. My thoughts may wander elsewhere. I feel like I may be in a dry season where I don't feel like I'm spending enough time with God. I have to constantly remind myself that He loves me unconditionally and that I don't have to make an effort to please Him. It's funny how I feel like I don't have enough patience sometimes.
Dear reader, I would like you to pray for me, that I may have more patience at this time. I need it to live with all the criticism I get from my mom. I also need it to continue seeking to make my relationship with God deeper. That is all for now.
Kenneth
Sunday, December 12, 2010
True Self?
I'm not going to lie when I say sometimes I wonder if I lie to myself. Is what I tell myself who I really am or have I lied to myself so much that I don't know the difference between a mask and reality? Have the walls I put around myself years ago been going away or are they still there but less noticeable to myself?
Those questions seem inevitable when people talk about how you seem to be happy all the time. It's even more noticeable when friends like Mac would speak up about it. Earlier this week, I was passing through the Jesus Burgers house from the prayer shed to go out when Mac asked why I would stop to just say hi and leave. He then commented on how everyone knows me, but they don't know much about me. He then started asking a bunch of questions I began to ponder because I have no idea how to answer them. Justin also asked some questions like "What does God love about you?" I'm sad to say I could not answer it beyond that he created me for a purpose. This week Pastor Jason even gave me a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I did not know what the book was about until just last night when I read the summary and started the first chapter. The summary points out this problem: "In a desperate attempt to make ourselves acceptable before God and others, we hide our true selves and present an impostor to the world--someone we hope will be accepted."
These two experiences in this last week along with some others pretty much hint that I might be trying to make myself someone else. To be honest, I haven't thought of myself as trying to be someone I'm not. When different people have been telling me that they feel like I'm hiding myself in order to fit in, I have to wonder whether I actually am.
While reading, there was a quote from The Beatitudes by Simon Tugwell that states, "And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like." When I tell my testimony to people, I usually tell them about how I've been slowly coming out of a shell I put myself in. I'm wondering if that was a lie to myself as well because I actually believe it.
One of the reasons I made this blog is to have some sort of a journal where I can see how I grow. Another reason for it is to reveal more about myself to people who are actually interested in coming here and reading. In a way, I'm trying to reveal who I actually am through written words if I fail at that when actually interacting with people. However, I find that I contradict myself when I want to say that one reason I don't have an actual journal is I'm afraid people might find it and read it without permission. If I even had a journal, I would basically be writing the same things I write in this blog. Now I'm just confusing myself... (Although to be completely honest, another reason is I'm too lazy to go buy a journal and make myself write in it). Sorry for going a bit off topic. The main point is you can figure out a lot about me just by reading my thoughts here.
I'm definitely open to whatever criticism you might have for me. I'm also open to you having questions about me. However, I feel like I will answer "I don't know" a lot because truthfully I actually don't know a lot about myself. I spent a lot of time watching TV or playing video games that I haven't really attempted to see who I am outside of those and what I am like with my social life.
Just a few days ago I wondered if I had any best friends. I know I have lots of friends I would consider close, but I'm not sure how to define "best" friend. I talked to Jordan about that four nights ago, and I talked to Amanda about it a few days ago. When I talked to Amanda, she talked about the difference between good friends you can always hang out with and best friends who you can go to about anything and you know won't abandon you even if you get into fights. I know I now have a lot of good friends I can hang out with, but I'm not sure if I have "best" friends. Sure there are a few people I feel comfortable going into certain details with about my life (and some of you even read this blog), but would they be considered my best friends if I don't know whether they see me the same way I see them? I don't remember a moment where anyone has approached me because they needed to vent about something they don't want completely out there. Maybe I'm being selfish when I say that...
As I read the second chapter of Abba's Child, it talks about how "the impostor cannot experience intimacy in any relationship". It goes more into detail by saying, "The false self has a highly skilled defensive radar whose purpose is to avoid feelings of rejection although sacrificing the need for intimacy." The reasons for that are because of repressed memories that create feelings of angry correction and implied abandonment and because of cowardice. It makes me question whether I'm a coward. It also says
Just today I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. If you don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this paragraph. I'm not even sure if this scene was in the book or not since the movie apparently made a lot of changes. In the movie, Lucy struggled with her own self image and desired to look more like her sister Susan. From her desire to look more like Susan, Lucy steals a page from The Book of Incantations and later turns herself into Susan. In that sequence, she's back on Earth with her two brothers, but she notices that she is not around and her brothers knew nothing of Narnia. Lucy decides to be herself again, and Aslan appears to her in the mirror. Aslan tells her that she must not lack self-value because she is beautiful the way she is and that it was because of her that her siblings found Narnia. Much like Lucy, I need to realize that I also have value. I know that I have value, but I need to come to terms with it.
By the end of the second chapter of Abba's Child, it says,
This time I'm going to use the Naruto manga as an example. If you don't want to be spoiled about it, I would recommend not reading this paragraph. Earlier this year Naruto started training to control the nine-tailed fox. One of his first challenges was to go to the Falls of Truth on the island he was being hidden on. While there, he encounters Dark Naruto in his thoughts. Dark Naruto exclaims that he is the manifestation of the hatred that existed in Naruto's heart. Dark Naruto then claims that he is the true Naruto while Naruto was an impostor. When Naruto goes back later, he learns to accept the dark part of him. Naruto states that he needed to have faith in himself to have the strength to live up to the trust of the villagers. When Dark Naruto asks about his own existence, Naruto tells him that he was really him and thanked him for pushing him to be the person he is now. When Dark Naruto tried to attack, Naruto hugged him instead and tells him that everything is going to be alright. Dark Naruto lets go of his anger at their past and disappears into Naruto. Naruto also had to deal with his own identity. He had to come to terms with who he had become.
I still have some growing to do. Although I'm sure I've been coming out of a shell since 8th grade, I think I still have to come out more. There are still some things I need to let go. As a way to challenge myself, I encourage you readers to ask me questions about myself if you want to get to know me better. I'll try to answer truthfully even if I feel uncomfortable. I need to grow more comfortable about talking about myself. If you can, find time to have one on one hang out times with me. I definitely love those and I feel like I'm a lot more open and talkative during them. Even Ryan Frank told me today that he feels I write a lot more and talk more during one on ones than when I'm in even a small group setting.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Those questions seem inevitable when people talk about how you seem to be happy all the time. It's even more noticeable when friends like Mac would speak up about it. Earlier this week, I was passing through the Jesus Burgers house from the prayer shed to go out when Mac asked why I would stop to just say hi and leave. He then commented on how everyone knows me, but they don't know much about me. He then started asking a bunch of questions I began to ponder because I have no idea how to answer them. Justin also asked some questions like "What does God love about you?" I'm sad to say I could not answer it beyond that he created me for a purpose. This week Pastor Jason even gave me a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I did not know what the book was about until just last night when I read the summary and started the first chapter. The summary points out this problem: "In a desperate attempt to make ourselves acceptable before God and others, we hide our true selves and present an impostor to the world--someone we hope will be accepted."
These two experiences in this last week along with some others pretty much hint that I might be trying to make myself someone else. To be honest, I haven't thought of myself as trying to be someone I'm not. When different people have been telling me that they feel like I'm hiding myself in order to fit in, I have to wonder whether I actually am.
While reading, there was a quote from The Beatitudes by Simon Tugwell that states, "And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like." When I tell my testimony to people, I usually tell them about how I've been slowly coming out of a shell I put myself in. I'm wondering if that was a lie to myself as well because I actually believe it.
One of the reasons I made this blog is to have some sort of a journal where I can see how I grow. Another reason for it is to reveal more about myself to people who are actually interested in coming here and reading. In a way, I'm trying to reveal who I actually am through written words if I fail at that when actually interacting with people. However, I find that I contradict myself when I want to say that one reason I don't have an actual journal is I'm afraid people might find it and read it without permission. If I even had a journal, I would basically be writing the same things I write in this blog. Now I'm just confusing myself... (Although to be completely honest, another reason is I'm too lazy to go buy a journal and make myself write in it). Sorry for going a bit off topic. The main point is you can figure out a lot about me just by reading my thoughts here.
I'm definitely open to whatever criticism you might have for me. I'm also open to you having questions about me. However, I feel like I will answer "I don't know" a lot because truthfully I actually don't know a lot about myself. I spent a lot of time watching TV or playing video games that I haven't really attempted to see who I am outside of those and what I am like with my social life.
Just a few days ago I wondered if I had any best friends. I know I have lots of friends I would consider close, but I'm not sure how to define "best" friend. I talked to Jordan about that four nights ago, and I talked to Amanda about it a few days ago. When I talked to Amanda, she talked about the difference between good friends you can always hang out with and best friends who you can go to about anything and you know won't abandon you even if you get into fights. I know I now have a lot of good friends I can hang out with, but I'm not sure if I have "best" friends. Sure there are a few people I feel comfortable going into certain details with about my life (and some of you even read this blog), but would they be considered my best friends if I don't know whether they see me the same way I see them? I don't remember a moment where anyone has approached me because they needed to vent about something they don't want completely out there. Maybe I'm being selfish when I say that...
As I read the second chapter of Abba's Child, it talks about how "the impostor cannot experience intimacy in any relationship". It goes more into detail by saying, "The false self has a highly skilled defensive radar whose purpose is to avoid feelings of rejection although sacrificing the need for intimacy." The reasons for that are because of repressed memories that create feelings of angry correction and implied abandonment and because of cowardice. It makes me question whether I'm a coward. It also says
the impostor "argues relentlessly that the root of the problem is minor and should be ignored, that 'mature' men and women would not get so upset over something so trivial, that one's equilibrium should be maintained even if it means placing unreasonable limits on personal hopes and dreams and accepting life in a diminished form."To tell you the truth, the block quote explained why I never really talked much about my testimony before this year. I've always been afraid that my testimony was not great and that it was nothing compared to other testimonies. I thought I would sound weak based on my testimony. However, after telling it to different people and even in groups I realized that it was not a weak testimony. I also realize that it is what made me who I am today and I should not regret it.
Just today I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. If you don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this paragraph. I'm not even sure if this scene was in the book or not since the movie apparently made a lot of changes. In the movie, Lucy struggled with her own self image and desired to look more like her sister Susan. From her desire to look more like Susan, Lucy steals a page from The Book of Incantations and later turns herself into Susan. In that sequence, she's back on Earth with her two brothers, but she notices that she is not around and her brothers knew nothing of Narnia. Lucy decides to be herself again, and Aslan appears to her in the mirror. Aslan tells her that she must not lack self-value because she is beautiful the way she is and that it was because of her that her siblings found Narnia. Much like Lucy, I need to realize that I also have value. I know that I have value, but I need to come to terms with it.
By the end of the second chapter of Abba's Child, it says,
"Hatred of the impostor is actually self-hatred. The impostor and I constitute one person...Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self."I should not be hating myself even if I don't like the fact that I could be pretending to be someone I'm not. To be truthful, I'm not sure if I am trying to be someone else, but a lot of things seem to point out that I am. Even a word I got from someone in Upper Room a few weeks back says something about me having to be more comfortable with my identity in Christ. I don't remember exactly what it says since it is back in my drawer in SB, but I might post it up when I go back if I feel the need to. I should accept that I might not be showing my true self a lot.
This time I'm going to use the Naruto manga as an example. If you don't want to be spoiled about it, I would recommend not reading this paragraph. Earlier this year Naruto started training to control the nine-tailed fox. One of his first challenges was to go to the Falls of Truth on the island he was being hidden on. While there, he encounters Dark Naruto in his thoughts. Dark Naruto exclaims that he is the manifestation of the hatred that existed in Naruto's heart. Dark Naruto then claims that he is the true Naruto while Naruto was an impostor. When Naruto goes back later, he learns to accept the dark part of him. Naruto states that he needed to have faith in himself to have the strength to live up to the trust of the villagers. When Dark Naruto asks about his own existence, Naruto tells him that he was really him and thanked him for pushing him to be the person he is now. When Dark Naruto tried to attack, Naruto hugged him instead and tells him that everything is going to be alright. Dark Naruto lets go of his anger at their past and disappears into Naruto. Naruto also had to deal with his own identity. He had to come to terms with who he had become.
I still have some growing to do. Although I'm sure I've been coming out of a shell since 8th grade, I think I still have to come out more. There are still some things I need to let go. As a way to challenge myself, I encourage you readers to ask me questions about myself if you want to get to know me better. I'll try to answer truthfully even if I feel uncomfortable. I need to grow more comfortable about talking about myself. If you can, find time to have one on one hang out times with me. I definitely love those and I feel like I'm a lot more open and talkative during them. Even Ryan Frank told me today that he feels I write a lot more and talk more during one on ones than when I'm in even a small group setting.
Until next time,
Kenneth
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