So here is the promised post where I get to thanks groups and specific people for how they affected me my first year...actually it's more like I'm gonna talk about what I like about people, but I'm also thanking people. I'm probably going to forget mentioning people or writing things, so I apologize in advance. Honestly, there's too many people for me to mention. Note: I wrote down 46 names, but that's too much so I cut down...a lot. I even cut ones I finished. Sorry if you aren't one of the specifics I mentioned.
To start, I'll go with groups.
AGO - You guys are awesome! You were the first people I met at Santa Barbara because when I was moving into the dorms, I called for you guys to help me move in! Of course, I ended up not really needing much help, but I'm going to thank you for showing up anyways! It was your mass e-mail to random people that introduced me to the fraternity before I even started my first year. It was a joy hanging out with you guys. I also did enjoy pledging during spring quarter while it lasted. Honestly, I never thought I would try pledging for a fraternity, but the idea of a Christ centered fraternity (and the fact I knew Molloy from back home while knowing Finnegan and Bracken from my hall)influenced me to try it out. I'm not totally sure if I'm going to try pledging again due to the time and financial commitment involved (that's something I need to pray about), but I will most surely enjoy visiting and hanging out in the future.
Real Life - I did not really attend too much during Fall quarter because of homework for econ class due at the same night, so I only went to fall retreat, Christmas party, and a few meetings. Winter quarter I went every week because of no classes Fridays. I can definitely say I enjoyed attending it every week and all the things you guys put up. It was a great place to meet so many people, and I definitely made a lot of friends from different classes. There are times where people will say hi to me and I feel bad about not knowing their names. I think it should be a good thing since that says that you guys are a loving group. I hope some of the friends I made here are life lasting.
Epic - I love the Epic ohana! I didn't attend at all during Fall quarter because I felt it focuses more on Asian Americans and I didn't want to just hang out with Asians. Obviously that changed by Fall quarter after some people invited me, and I've enjoyed attending (even though I fall asleep sometimes from exhaustion :P). I'm sure I will always remember the Disneyland trip we went on together for Give a Day Get a Day. I've also met people here who don't really attend Real Life. It's great to be a part of a group I can directly call 'ohana'.
Last but not least Real Life Class of 2013 - Yes, you apply to Real Life as well, but we also hung out so much outside of Real Life that I feel I should include it as its own category. It was great getting close to all of you. I enjoyed giving rides to many people, whether it was to all the random events or to Reality. I've made so many memories with you guys, and I hope we can stay close as a group. I loved the worship nights we had, and all the last minute stuff too! We'll for sure try winning BOTA in the future. ;)
And now for individuals which I'll try putting in ABC order so that I can try not playing favorites.
Alex Johnson - Thanks for being a great listener. I wish I could have talked to you about more stuff, but I was having more fun than actual problems to talk about. I like how you brave the cold a lot to do worship at campus point every couple of Sundays. I think I first officially met you when I went to late night for the first time and randomly saw you and Meredith. I hope to get to know you better next year.
Alex 'Finnegan' Paige - You are one of the first people I met at UCSB since you live on my floor. I remember the first night in FT during the ice cream social by the pool, I went back up to the 9th floor. Then I noticed you happened to be playing worship music there. Thanks for doing that. I loved the worship session. Sadly we didn't do anymore after even though we said we would.
Amanda Chiang - You are awesome! It was nice getting to know you in all the Real Life and Epic stuff. It was also cool hanging out with all the freshmen stuff. Thanks for letting Epic stay at your house for Disneyland, and I enjoyed meeting your family. It was also cool getting lots of meals together. We are definitely gonna chill when school starts again, and I pray that you grow a lot on your Hawaii summer project.
Andrew Melton - Thanks for trying to invite people to hang out a lot. I enjoyed eating with you at Ortega a lot. You are very humble. I like how you try to get our class organized and that you participate a lot. Thanks for planning Bible study over the summer as well. I will definitely be seeing you.
Claire Anderson - You are awesome! I love having conversations about our spiritual lives, and I thank you for that. It was nice giving you rides too. I like how you always listen to Hillsong United's I <3 Revolution album in my car. You commit so much time to Real Life. I will definitely enjoy hanging out with you next year.
Cody Miller - I'm going to directly quote the wall post I have on your wall. "I like your heart for God and how deep into worship you get for him. Sometimes I wish I could go as deep as you when you worship Him! I also like how you show up to the Real Life freshmen stuff." Your heart to worship inspires me. Seriously. Definitely need to get to know you better.
David Salazar - You are amazing! You are one of the reasons I randomly show up to Destino before having to go to Gospel choir. I enjoy your positive energy. Definitely cool getting meals with you and hanging out at all the Real Life stuff. Also nice seeing you at the plex whenever we happen to be there at the same time. I love how you are so lovable. I pray that you grow with your experiences in Santa Monica summer project. You are so blessed. Thanks for being an awesome friend.
Ian Charbonnet- I like your sense of humor. I may not get it all the time, but I enjoy it. I love how you organize a whole bunch of stuff for the Real Life class of 2013 to get together. I remember I officially met you from organizing rides to broom ball during the beginning of winter quarter. It was great seeing you take a lot of initiative, and I enjoyed hanging out a lot with you. I definitely need to hang out with you over the summer since you are only in Danville.
Jordan Marshall - So you are apparently one of the two non-class of 2013 people on this list...you should feel special. It was so nice meeting you on the day of the Real Life Christmas party. It's hilarious how we decided to do a song together and only got a little time to practice a few hours before the party. You are such an awesome friend! Thanks for helping me with my walk with God.
Katie Klezek - I enjoy your positive energy. I'd describe you as happy-go-lucky. Thanks for bringing so much joy to everyone. It was great hanging out a lot. I will forever remember you for the baby cradle sign whenever we play signs during Real Life retreats until the middle of the night. I can't wait to see how God blesses you in the future.
Matt Butin - Thanks for being an awesome friend and asking how I'm doing all the time. I loved visiting you at the plex or at the information booth at the hub. You are a fun person to hang out with. Definitely need to hang out more before you graduate.
Meredith Cabaniss - Thanks for being such an awesome person! I love how you participate in everything, lending your car for BOTA, and how spontaneous you are with your plans. Definitely a lot of emphasis on 'spontaneous' like the last minute plan a couple nights ago to have you stay the night at my house on the way down to SB. I found that to be quite hilarious. Also, thanks for all the music you gave me. I like how randomly awkward our friendship is. There's so much I could talk about. I'll be praying for your summer project in the middle east.
Michelle Quezada - Thanks for being an inspiration. I love your heart for God and how deep you get into worship. You have an amazing voice. I'm glad we live close enough that I could see you sometimes over the summer, and I definitely think we need to hang out more.
Again sorry if I was going to mention you but didn't because I had to cut down.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Am I Lukewarm?
There are times where I think "Am I a lukewarm?" It's times like these I question my motives for what I believe in...why I do the things I do. Do I do it for love of Jesus, or do I do it out of fear I don't get into heaven.
Just yesterday I decided to buy the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Today I got to the chapters "Profile of the Lukewarm" and "Serving Leftovers to a Holy God". They got me thinking about those again. My mind tells me that I am the way I am because I love God, but sometimes I think "What if it's because I want to feel accepted, to have friends..."
This book talked about how when people read the parable about the different kinds of soils, many people assume they are the good soil when most are probable the thorny soil. Am I one of the thorny soil? I want to believe that I'm a good soil, but I know that it may not be true. I want to be good soil and soak in God's word, but I know I get distracted by so many things. One moment I could be thinking about reading the Bible, then the next I would be on facebook or something. I also get distracted by video games and shows or weekly updates of the Naruto manga. I also tend to think a lot about those mediums and what has been happening in them instead of seeking Him with all my attention. I know we as humans can't be perfect, but at the same time, I think we use that as an excuse often to justify ourselves. I also find that I try to get reassurance from friends often when the truth could be totally different from what I think.
One part of the book states:
Recently, I've been reading a chapter of the New Testament a day since Joe, my roommate for the last 7 weeks of my first year at UCSB, decided to have a Bible study where we did that and invited others. As school was getting closer to the end, I remembered us reading the chapter where the rich man was unable to give up his wealth to follow Jesus. In that passage, he talks about how hard it is for the rich to get into heaven. He wants us to be willing to give up everything if we want to follow him. We would not be very effective if we have trouble giving up all we have, whether it's monetary value or housing or even family and friends.
A question I sometimes ask myself is whether I'm willing to leave my life behind to follow Jesus. Would I be willing to leave behind my family and friends? Granted I would not be too troubled if I left behind my mom (which is probably a bad thing), but then I would still have trouble with that since I fear her. I love her for providing, but I find myself more fearful of her anger sometimes. I'm also unsure about whether I would actually be willing to leave my friends. I probably would not have too much trouble leaving them physically, but I'm not sure if I am willing to stop all communication with them. As a result, I feel I might be lukewarm, and that's something I do not want to be.
I would definitely like to hear your thoughts on this subject. This is one that sometimes crosses my mind a lot. I MIGHT do that post about how different people affected me my first year at UCSB, but this subject was on my mind. As a result I felt the need to do this first.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Just yesterday I decided to buy the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Today I got to the chapters "Profile of the Lukewarm" and "Serving Leftovers to a Holy God". They got me thinking about those again. My mind tells me that I am the way I am because I love God, but sometimes I think "What if it's because I want to feel accepted, to have friends..."
This book talked about how when people read the parable about the different kinds of soils, many people assume they are the good soil when most are probable the thorny soil. Am I one of the thorny soil? I want to believe that I'm a good soil, but I know that it may not be true. I want to be good soil and soak in God's word, but I know I get distracted by so many things. One moment I could be thinking about reading the Bible, then the next I would be on facebook or something. I also get distracted by video games and shows or weekly updates of the Naruto manga. I also tend to think a lot about those mediums and what has been happening in them instead of seeking Him with all my attention. I know we as humans can't be perfect, but at the same time, I think we use that as an excuse often to justify ourselves. I also find that I try to get reassurance from friends often when the truth could be totally different from what I think.
One part of the book states:
Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become.... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God...I find myself thinking a lot about who I will marry in the future and the kind of person I want to become. Granted, I am concerned with my relationship with God (seeing as I'm writing about my thoughts on this in the first place), but I'm not sure if I'm too distracted with those other thoughts.
Recently, I've been reading a chapter of the New Testament a day since Joe, my roommate for the last 7 weeks of my first year at UCSB, decided to have a Bible study where we did that and invited others. As school was getting closer to the end, I remembered us reading the chapter where the rich man was unable to give up his wealth to follow Jesus. In that passage, he talks about how hard it is for the rich to get into heaven. He wants us to be willing to give up everything if we want to follow him. We would not be very effective if we have trouble giving up all we have, whether it's monetary value or housing or even family and friends.
A question I sometimes ask myself is whether I'm willing to leave my life behind to follow Jesus. Would I be willing to leave behind my family and friends? Granted I would not be too troubled if I left behind my mom (which is probably a bad thing), but then I would still have trouble with that since I fear her. I love her for providing, but I find myself more fearful of her anger sometimes. I'm also unsure about whether I would actually be willing to leave my friends. I probably would not have too much trouble leaving them physically, but I'm not sure if I am willing to stop all communication with them. As a result, I feel I might be lukewarm, and that's something I do not want to be.
I would definitely like to hear your thoughts on this subject. This is one that sometimes crosses my mind a lot. I MIGHT do that post about how different people affected me my first year at UCSB, but this subject was on my mind. As a result I felt the need to do this first.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, May 31, 2010
What I Learned My First Year of UCSB...And Other Lamenting About God's Plan
Hey guys,
So anyone who attended the last worship night before the end of Spring Quarter knows that on the last minute I tried to talk about what I've learned this year. I was probably confusing because I spoke too fast and did not organize it well enough. There were also a lot of detail I forgot to mention that was actually in my head before I spoke, so I'm going to write about it in this post.
So this year, I've been learning to trust God's timing more. I found myself trying to get myself involved in lots of things out of my own will. For example, I tried rushing for AGO twice and applied for Summer Project. Unfortunately I couldn't pledge AGO by myself and Chris Comstock didn't feel I was ready for Summer Project. As I thought back to them, I realize I chose to try out for them because other people were doing them. I didn't really pray much about making those decisions when I decided to do them. When I think back, I know I was probably not ready for those if I end up doing them at all in the future.
For example, when I was a pledge for AGO, a question they always asked was something like "What can you contribute to AGO". That's a question I still don't know the answer to. If I replace "AGO" with anything else, I'm still not sure what I can contribute. It's something I know I should pray about more often.
Jeremiah 29:11 had been my favorite verse in high school, but I'm discovering that I still need to trust God more with his plans for me instead of me having to go out and do things on my own. I guess that's why I feel disappointment not getting into AGO, not getting into summer project, or not being a leader in some team or something. I guess the last part is more of a selfish wish of sorts. I need to have more faith in God, and trust that he is leading me.
I also learned to love others more. Back home, I lived in more of a bubble, but coming to UCSB, I get to meet many people from different backgrounds. As much as I served others back home, I probably did more by going to Jesus Burgers many weekends or by being a part of Jesus Loves IV week. Through these, I got to hear more about people's lives...
------------------------------
And the section above was written the night after the last worship night a few weeks ago with some minor changes and additions...then I got distracted with my papers and put off doing them until now. Honestly, I was still struggling with coming up with things to write about. I kind of still am.
Coming back home, I realize how unproductive I am here. I spent most of it so far playing Smash Bros or Pokemon, or I would be on facebook. Granted, I did go out a couple times...for Eric William's grad party where I got to see friends here and once to take my little bro to his tennis tournament in Santa Cruz. There's just a lot more to do down in Santa Barbara...
I wish I could go on summer project, but alas, I did not get into one. I probably would not be ready for it anyways. I feel like I really need to grow spiritually more before I can take on responsibilities like that. There's also the fact that sometimes I think I rely too much on friends and not enough on God. I think it's because people are more tangible, so I can understand them and hear them easier. I really need to get myself into some quiet time or something. There's a lot I can grow in.
I guess it's also because I'm afraid of challenges or taking risks. Granted, if it was for fun and games, I would usually be up for it, and I can get quite competitive. However, when it's something that can significantly impact my life, many times I find myself unsure about whether it's worth it. I guess I don't pray about that enough either.
The thing I find hardest to do is oppose my parents...specifically my mom. Every time I mention wanting to do something that opposes her wish for me, she'll threaten me in some way like saying she'll kick me out of the house with nothing and have me live on the streets. That's the threat she used when I tried applying to APU my senior year of high school, and it's the same threat she used whenever I mentioned I want to major in film. My brother tells me it's an empty threat, and if it does happen, I should trust in God and know he'll provide. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I am kicked out, I end up having nowhere to go. I would not be able to go back to UCSB on my own, nor would I be able to pay for my own education. Ergo, I would not be able to be with the community of friends I made down there, whether it would be Real Life family, AGO/ADX, or Epic ohana...also if I ended up living with friends here, I would feel like I'm a parasite taking advantage of them and not being able to do anything in return.
I guess I'm afraid God won't provide when I know he does. I also think I cling too much on human relationships as well...that I feel a need to be loved by people when all I really need is God's love. I should also think of people who are in tougher situations than me. For example, Anmarie no longer lives with her dad because her step mom hates her, yet she's able to get financial support and pay on her own to attend UCSB. If she's able to do that, why can't I? Then I think about how I never had my own job or have my own bank account, and I rationalize that I would not be able to support myself if my mom were to kick me out of the house for doing something against her wishes.
I must question myself about the things I want to do as well. Are they all a part of God's plan, or are they just my own wishes that would probably never happen? How would I know what God has planned for me? That is why I'm afraid to change my major from pre-econ into something else that I would enjoy, why I'm afraid to take risks.
I guess I'm still looking for my identity in God. During Eric's grad party, Matt Phipps told me he felt moved by God to tell me that I'm in the process of discovering myself and I may not know that. I know that I'm growing, but if I were to be asked how, I would not know the answer. God is probably moving me right in front of my eyes, and I do not see what is going on.
I still need to take Jeremiah 29:11 into heart when it comes to God's plan for me. I worry about this so much when He probably has it under control. I may write another post about how different people had make an impact in my first year at UCSB. For now, I am tired of writing. Until next time...
Kenneth
So anyone who attended the last worship night before the end of Spring Quarter knows that on the last minute I tried to talk about what I've learned this year. I was probably confusing because I spoke too fast and did not organize it well enough. There were also a lot of detail I forgot to mention that was actually in my head before I spoke, so I'm going to write about it in this post.
So this year, I've been learning to trust God's timing more. I found myself trying to get myself involved in lots of things out of my own will. For example, I tried rushing for AGO twice and applied for Summer Project. Unfortunately I couldn't pledge AGO by myself and Chris Comstock didn't feel I was ready for Summer Project. As I thought back to them, I realize I chose to try out for them because other people were doing them. I didn't really pray much about making those decisions when I decided to do them. When I think back, I know I was probably not ready for those if I end up doing them at all in the future.
For example, when I was a pledge for AGO, a question they always asked was something like "What can you contribute to AGO". That's a question I still don't know the answer to. If I replace "AGO" with anything else, I'm still not sure what I can contribute. It's something I know I should pray about more often.
Jeremiah 29:11 had been my favorite verse in high school, but I'm discovering that I still need to trust God more with his plans for me instead of me having to go out and do things on my own. I guess that's why I feel disappointment not getting into AGO, not getting into summer project, or not being a leader in some team or something. I guess the last part is more of a selfish wish of sorts. I need to have more faith in God, and trust that he is leading me.
I also learned to love others more. Back home, I lived in more of a bubble, but coming to UCSB, I get to meet many people from different backgrounds. As much as I served others back home, I probably did more by going to Jesus Burgers many weekends or by being a part of Jesus Loves IV week. Through these, I got to hear more about people's lives...
------------------------------
And the section above was written the night after the last worship night a few weeks ago with some minor changes and additions...then I got distracted with my papers and put off doing them until now. Honestly, I was still struggling with coming up with things to write about. I kind of still am.
Coming back home, I realize how unproductive I am here. I spent most of it so far playing Smash Bros or Pokemon, or I would be on facebook. Granted, I did go out a couple times...for Eric William's grad party where I got to see friends here and once to take my little bro to his tennis tournament in Santa Cruz. There's just a lot more to do down in Santa Barbara...
I wish I could go on summer project, but alas, I did not get into one. I probably would not be ready for it anyways. I feel like I really need to grow spiritually more before I can take on responsibilities like that. There's also the fact that sometimes I think I rely too much on friends and not enough on God. I think it's because people are more tangible, so I can understand them and hear them easier. I really need to get myself into some quiet time or something. There's a lot I can grow in.
I guess it's also because I'm afraid of challenges or taking risks. Granted, if it was for fun and games, I would usually be up for it, and I can get quite competitive. However, when it's something that can significantly impact my life, many times I find myself unsure about whether it's worth it. I guess I don't pray about that enough either.
The thing I find hardest to do is oppose my parents...specifically my mom. Every time I mention wanting to do something that opposes her wish for me, she'll threaten me in some way like saying she'll kick me out of the house with nothing and have me live on the streets. That's the threat she used when I tried applying to APU my senior year of high school, and it's the same threat she used whenever I mentioned I want to major in film. My brother tells me it's an empty threat, and if it does happen, I should trust in God and know he'll provide. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I am kicked out, I end up having nowhere to go. I would not be able to go back to UCSB on my own, nor would I be able to pay for my own education. Ergo, I would not be able to be with the community of friends I made down there, whether it would be Real Life family, AGO/ADX, or Epic ohana...also if I ended up living with friends here, I would feel like I'm a parasite taking advantage of them and not being able to do anything in return.
I guess I'm afraid God won't provide when I know he does. I also think I cling too much on human relationships as well...that I feel a need to be loved by people when all I really need is God's love. I should also think of people who are in tougher situations than me. For example, Anmarie no longer lives with her dad because her step mom hates her, yet she's able to get financial support and pay on her own to attend UCSB. If she's able to do that, why can't I? Then I think about how I never had my own job or have my own bank account, and I rationalize that I would not be able to support myself if my mom were to kick me out of the house for doing something against her wishes.
I must question myself about the things I want to do as well. Are they all a part of God's plan, or are they just my own wishes that would probably never happen? How would I know what God has planned for me? That is why I'm afraid to change my major from pre-econ into something else that I would enjoy, why I'm afraid to take risks.
I guess I'm still looking for my identity in God. During Eric's grad party, Matt Phipps told me he felt moved by God to tell me that I'm in the process of discovering myself and I may not know that. I know that I'm growing, but if I were to be asked how, I would not know the answer. God is probably moving me right in front of my eyes, and I do not see what is going on.
I still need to take Jeremiah 29:11 into heart when it comes to God's plan for me. I worry about this so much when He probably has it under control. I may write another post about how different people had make an impact in my first year at UCSB. For now, I am tired of writing. Until next time...
Kenneth
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Making an Impact
Hello reader,
So I did not actually plan on writing a post today, but I was on facebook and a status got me thinking. The status was a quote that said:
"We look into mirrors but we only see the effects of our times on us - not our effects on others." -Pearl Bailey
This quote just got me thinking "Have I ever effected anyone significantly?" I'm not sure how to answer that question because I can't remember an occasion where someone told me I made a significant impact in their life. I'm also thinking maybe I'm selfish for wanting to make an impact in someone's life, but I'm not sure if it is. The only things I remember doing are the small things in life.
I know I cannot make an impact on my own. Only through God who strengthens me can I make an impact. This makes me wonder how God has been using me. At this moment, I'm not really sure. Right now, I'm thinking about a few weeks ago when I was at Jesus Burgers. A freshman from FT showed up drunk and was trying to talk to Daniel H. and I. During their conversation, I was mostly just listening. I felt the conversation was getting nowhere because they kept interrupting each other with their own views. After a while, the guy left the area Daniel was giving burgers to. When I decided to go upstairs, the drunk guy came up to me and started talking. He said all he wanted to do was give advice about how we should run Jesus Burgers because he felt that we try to force Christianity on him. The only thing I could do was listen because I did not know how to answer to him. Then he tried asking me questions I was not sure how to answer. I felt more comfortable once Katie Klezek showed up and started talking to him as well.
When I think back on that incident, all I can think is I only listened to what he had to say. It makes me wonder if it affected him in any way. I felt that I could have done more than just listen. Maybe I was trying to do it by myself at the time. I feel I could have asked God to help me more than I actually did. I cannot do anything about that now.
What are your thoughts on this? Have I affected anyone in a big way? Am I being egotistical for wanting to make an impact?
I need to pray to God about this. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I feel if I prayed to God more often about using me, maybe I would be able to do more.
Anyways, thanks for reading this. Until next time...
Kenneth
So I did not actually plan on writing a post today, but I was on facebook and a status got me thinking. The status was a quote that said:
"We look into mirrors but we only see the effects of our times on us - not our effects on others." -Pearl Bailey
This quote just got me thinking "Have I ever effected anyone significantly?" I'm not sure how to answer that question because I can't remember an occasion where someone told me I made a significant impact in their life. I'm also thinking maybe I'm selfish for wanting to make an impact in someone's life, but I'm not sure if it is. The only things I remember doing are the small things in life.
I know I cannot make an impact on my own. Only through God who strengthens me can I make an impact. This makes me wonder how God has been using me. At this moment, I'm not really sure. Right now, I'm thinking about a few weeks ago when I was at Jesus Burgers. A freshman from FT showed up drunk and was trying to talk to Daniel H. and I. During their conversation, I was mostly just listening. I felt the conversation was getting nowhere because they kept interrupting each other with their own views. After a while, the guy left the area Daniel was giving burgers to. When I decided to go upstairs, the drunk guy came up to me and started talking. He said all he wanted to do was give advice about how we should run Jesus Burgers because he felt that we try to force Christianity on him. The only thing I could do was listen because I did not know how to answer to him. Then he tried asking me questions I was not sure how to answer. I felt more comfortable once Katie Klezek showed up and started talking to him as well.
When I think back on that incident, all I can think is I only listened to what he had to say. It makes me wonder if it affected him in any way. I felt that I could have done more than just listen. Maybe I was trying to do it by myself at the time. I feel I could have asked God to help me more than I actually did. I cannot do anything about that now.
What are your thoughts on this? Have I affected anyone in a big way? Am I being egotistical for wanting to make an impact?
I need to pray to God about this. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I feel if I prayed to God more often about using me, maybe I would be able to do more.
Anyways, thanks for reading this. Until next time...
Kenneth
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My first non-intro post...relationships?
Hey anyone who happens to read this,
This is a topic that has been in my mind since I have no idea when. If you know me, you know I never been in one and I'm sure no one can imagine me ever getting into one. To some people, it may not be a surprise if I had a crush on someone while to many it may not be very obvious. It's because I try not to show any attraction to girls, but that can backfire at times. It is something I struggle with a lot, but at the same time, I find other things to keep my mind off it. I won't be mentioning names in order to keep people's privacy.
The trouble with this might have started back in Japan. I had a crush on some girl, and I became obsessed in a way. It became sort of self-destructive in a way. I found out she had a boyfriend, and then I tried to forget ever liking her. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people figured it out and I was made fun of a lot for it. Afterward, I've been rejected by any girl I found myself attracted to, yet people still made fun of me for that first one. Eventually I got over it...she was mean to me anyways. Still, it impacted me in a way because it really made me negative about relationships, about life, and it set up a lot of barriers I have been trying to take down in the last five years.
After 7th grade, I've been afraid to ask girls out because I figure they will probably reject me. If I think back now, I was too young for that kind of stuff anyways. As time passes and I get older, it became more like I never felt ready to get into one.
Just today, I left a message for my mom wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. After some talking about how I found out about the day, she decides to ask me if I have a girlfriend yet. Obviously I answered no, just like the many times she has asked me since I entered college. She still asks me why, and since I figure she'll never understand my reason, I tell her it's because I'm happy with just having friends. That is one of the main reasons I don't want to get into a relationship. I figured I would spend a lot less time with friends if I ever got into one. I also still figure girls will say no anyways.
Another reason would be I know I'm not ready to get into one yet. I think that if I do, it would be for the wrong reasons. There's so many areas I need to grow in before I should start thinking about it. For example, I feel I should place God higher up on my priority list. It has been something I've been working on for a while. I still feel that I should work more on that.
Even with some good reasons not to date, I still find myself attracted to some girls. It's something I will probably continue struggling with for a long time, but I'm trying to work on not thinking about it too much. It's also strange when I see so many couples already engaged and getting married in the summer. A small part of me maybe envious, which I should not be, and it also makes me think "I could totally be engaged in three years and not know about it now!" Of course, I don't know who I'm going to marry in the future. I just have to put my trust in God with that. Jeremiah 29:11, although used often, is the verse I go to with this.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Even if I feel some pressure from family or I see lots of happy couples, I know it is not my time yet. I also know I'm not ready for it. I'll wait patiently until God's plan unravels, and hopefully I will be ready by then. For now, I'm just going to live life like it is.
Thanks for reading this if you actually read the whole way through...you might be laughing at how ridiculous the whole post is, or you may actually sympathize with me. I'm not sure. Hope to update again sometime in the future!
Kenneth
This is a topic that has been in my mind since I have no idea when. If you know me, you know I never been in one and I'm sure no one can imagine me ever getting into one. To some people, it may not be a surprise if I had a crush on someone while to many it may not be very obvious. It's because I try not to show any attraction to girls, but that can backfire at times. It is something I struggle with a lot, but at the same time, I find other things to keep my mind off it. I won't be mentioning names in order to keep people's privacy.
The trouble with this might have started back in Japan. I had a crush on some girl, and I became obsessed in a way. It became sort of self-destructive in a way. I found out she had a boyfriend, and then I tried to forget ever liking her. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people figured it out and I was made fun of a lot for it. Afterward, I've been rejected by any girl I found myself attracted to, yet people still made fun of me for that first one. Eventually I got over it...she was mean to me anyways. Still, it impacted me in a way because it really made me negative about relationships, about life, and it set up a lot of barriers I have been trying to take down in the last five years.
After 7th grade, I've been afraid to ask girls out because I figure they will probably reject me. If I think back now, I was too young for that kind of stuff anyways. As time passes and I get older, it became more like I never felt ready to get into one.
Just today, I left a message for my mom wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. After some talking about how I found out about the day, she decides to ask me if I have a girlfriend yet. Obviously I answered no, just like the many times she has asked me since I entered college. She still asks me why, and since I figure she'll never understand my reason, I tell her it's because I'm happy with just having friends. That is one of the main reasons I don't want to get into a relationship. I figured I would spend a lot less time with friends if I ever got into one. I also still figure girls will say no anyways.
Another reason would be I know I'm not ready to get into one yet. I think that if I do, it would be for the wrong reasons. There's so many areas I need to grow in before I should start thinking about it. For example, I feel I should place God higher up on my priority list. It has been something I've been working on for a while. I still feel that I should work more on that.
Even with some good reasons not to date, I still find myself attracted to some girls. It's something I will probably continue struggling with for a long time, but I'm trying to work on not thinking about it too much. It's also strange when I see so many couples already engaged and getting married in the summer. A small part of me maybe envious, which I should not be, and it also makes me think "I could totally be engaged in three years and not know about it now!" Of course, I don't know who I'm going to marry in the future. I just have to put my trust in God with that. Jeremiah 29:11, although used often, is the verse I go to with this.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Even if I feel some pressure from family or I see lots of happy couples, I know it is not my time yet. I also know I'm not ready for it. I'll wait patiently until God's plan unravels, and hopefully I will be ready by then. For now, I'm just going to live life like it is.
Thanks for reading this if you actually read the whole way through...you might be laughing at how ridiculous the whole post is, or you may actually sympathize with me. I'm not sure. Hope to update again sometime in the future!
Kenneth
The Opening for This Blog...an Introduction
As you can tell, I'm not great at creating titles. I've been thinking about creating a separate blog that would dwell more in my mind and connect more to God for the last year, but I was always too lazy to take the initiative. If you looked at my other blog which I will now only use to talk about things happening more on the outside, you can tell I RARELY update. I'm sure the same will happen for this. To explain why I created this, I hope to learn to open myself more as well as discover who I am in God's eyes. If you are going to read this blog, I bet you would either find this very cheesy or hopefully it may open your mind as well to learn more about me. Now, to start this off...
My name is Kenneth. I'm a student at UCSB and came to God when I was in eighth grade. To summarize my testimony, I've had some hard experiences living in Japan from 5th to 7th grade where I tried fitting in with the wrong crowd, doing some stupid stuff in the process (though thankfully not drinking alcohol or taking drugs), and was bullied while trying to remain oblivious to it. Of course, I met some cool people and experienced cool things, but it was the toughest part of my life. In fact, some of you might think of me as a loser for not really taking it as a man, but I'm going to say what may not be really bad for you can be terrible for me. Anyways, I moved back to California when I entered eighth grade. I got invited to Bible study during lunch as well as youth group and youth convention. Things started going uphill from there and I learned that God wanted to have a personal relationship with me. Sometimes my walk starts going really high and sometimes it feels like I'm not going anywhere. I'm trying to improve this and learn more about God which I have mentioned lots of times already.
Now that the short testimony is over, I hope anyone who decides to continue reading my blog (if I ever update) to hopefully enjoy it and maybe learn from it or help me with my walk.
This concludes my first post which I'll start a different topic with my next one...
My name is Kenneth. I'm a student at UCSB and came to God when I was in eighth grade. To summarize my testimony, I've had some hard experiences living in Japan from 5th to 7th grade where I tried fitting in with the wrong crowd, doing some stupid stuff in the process (though thankfully not drinking alcohol or taking drugs), and was bullied while trying to remain oblivious to it. Of course, I met some cool people and experienced cool things, but it was the toughest part of my life. In fact, some of you might think of me as a loser for not really taking it as a man, but I'm going to say what may not be really bad for you can be terrible for me. Anyways, I moved back to California when I entered eighth grade. I got invited to Bible study during lunch as well as youth group and youth convention. Things started going uphill from there and I learned that God wanted to have a personal relationship with me. Sometimes my walk starts going really high and sometimes it feels like I'm not going anywhere. I'm trying to improve this and learn more about God which I have mentioned lots of times already.
Now that the short testimony is over, I hope anyone who decides to continue reading my blog (if I ever update) to hopefully enjoy it and maybe learn from it or help me with my walk.
This concludes my first post which I'll start a different topic with my next one...
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