Post-Finals Almost Stream of Consciousness

Finals are done. I'm sitting here in the UCen in the middle of the night while other people are studying. Why? Because I think it would be fun to take advantage of the fact that I can stay here this late during finals week.

I just read the first two chapters of Nehemiah. I decided I am going to read through Nehemiah because my discipler Brian said I should before I read Excellence in Leadership. The first two chapters of Nehemiah have been interesting so far. The first chapter deals with Nehemiah hearing about Jerusalem's walls being burnt down, and the second chapter is about him trusting God in allowing him to go back and fix the city with the king's blessings. It was definitely interesting to see how Nehemiah prayed before talking to the king about it. Even though he faced sadness over Jerusalem's fall, he continued to praise God. He asked God for favors, confessed his failings as well as his people's, and he asked for success in having the king bring him back. Even when people were in disbelief, he still trusted God in bringing success. I want to have that kind of faith in everything I do, whether that is in school or in my daily life.

I'll be honest, this post will probably talk about a bunch of unrelated stuff. It's just going to be one of those posts where I don't want to be too organized. While it isn't completely "stream of consciousness", it will still try to come close to that and give more of a glimpse to my thought process. I don't think I can type out all my thoughts and in the order I think. I worry about how I present my writing. It will also show how all over the place I am sometimes...especially when it's super late.

Anyways, I am listening to a song right now by Chase Coy. It is called "Summer's Song". It is set when the summer coming to a close. Ironically summer is just beginning for me. This song reminds me of the summer before my first year at UCSB. That's because that was when I was first introduced to his music. A lot of his music is acoustic. They are pretty relaxing...and soft. A lot of love songs...why am I listening to that kind of music? Because I decided to listen to old music on my hard-drive. I'm going down authors in ABC order and decided to skip Backstreet Boys (and anything else I don't feel like listening). Well then you would ask why I am listening to Chase Coy. I haven't listened to his music in a while...and it's good.

Now I'm listening to Hillsong because it is under my Christian music folder. The song "The Time Has Come" begins really well. "Today, today it's all or nothing..." Am I living my all for God? Listening to Hillsong reminds me of how I used to really love worship...how I used to get so into it. I'm not saying that I'm no longer passionate about worship. I still love it. I am just noticing that now I'm fine if I miss worship sometimes whereas I would never skip worship during a service back in high school. Nevertheless, I am pretty stoked for this summer. I will be a part of two worship sets for Summer Cru. I need to learn to harmonize. Still, I think it will be an awesome being a part of the worship team and helping lead others into worship.

I really want to write a post reflecting on my third year of college. However, I feel like that deserves its own post instead of being a part of this semi-"stream of consciousness" post. Maybe I can give small glimpses of what I'm thinking about writing for it? Well, I am always being reminded of how broken I am without God. We are made perfect in Him. It's crazy to think about ourselves as just a speck...actually smaller than a speck...compared to the universe. Yet, God still cares about us.

Okay, sorry to interrupt that, but I wanted to say that I am quite enjoying listening to old worship music. It is also helping me stay awake to be able to write this. You might ask, "Why are you even staying up this late in the UCen when you are done with finals?" A lot of people have asked that already. Well, as I stated earlier, I want to take advantage of being able to stay here so late. (Oh, random note, I am listening to "Next Thing You Know" by Matthew West...the first Christian song I remember hearing on KLove in 8th grade) I guess another reason I want to stay here is because I want to walk a friend home after she finishes her paper...probably not a very good reason. Meh, not all my decisions or reasons for doing things make sense.

Dang, these old Christian songs are reminding me of junior high and high school...of my youth group. Back before I first began coming to UCSB, I thought I would at least go home every summer and help out at my youth group. God's completely changed that plan of mine. Last summer I stayed in UCSB. This summer I am doing the same. It's crazy to see how much God has changed my heart. Sometimes I do miss when I was younger and a part of my youth group...being able to hang out with some of my friends who have moved on in college. I'm happy for Anthony who is now going to teach at Valley Christian. I am excited for Anton who now lives in Hollywood doing what he loves. God has definitely placed them in places where they belong and are called to. I'm sure God will do the same with me when the time comes. I still don't know what that will be.

Well, I feel like this post has been a little more authentic with who I am. However, it is definitely getting long. I should stop here and move on to the end of the year post.

Until next time (the next post I am about to do and may or may not finish by today =P),
Kenneth

What does it mean to be a husband/father?

I am pretty old, but I am still young. Old enough where I could get married, but young enough that I don't feel the need to be married. Yet, I have a strange desire to want to be a father and to be a good husband as well. At the same time, I know that I am not at a point where I am ready to be in such a position.

It is quite funny to think about. If I have the desire to one day get married and have kids, I probably will. On the other hand, I don't feel equipped. Yet for some reason, I keep hearing or reading messages about what it means to be a loving husband or father centered around Christ. Why have I been exposed to learning what it means to be a great father or husband? I don't know. Maybe God is preparing me for the day I become a husband, for the day I become a father. What I do know is that when I do become those, I want my love for Christ to be the center of how I lead a family. I want to be able to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Read the end of Ephesians 5 and 6:4. That is the kind of husband or father I want to be. It does not mean I have to be controlling. I need to allow my family to be free to make their own decisions as well when the time comes.

A couple weekends ago, Jake Hamilton of Jesus Culture and Bethel spoke at IVC. He spoke quite a bit of what it means to be a father, to be a husband. He talked about how much he loved his daughter that it was hard for him to imagine how God  loves her even more than he ever could. I know that I will not understand that until the day I have a child and I hold him/her in my own arms. It's so gnarly attempting to think of how much God loves me, and I wonder if I've fully taken into my heart that I will forever be a son or a child. I at least know it with head knowledge, but it's crazy for me to wonder whether I have accepted that in my heart as well.

As much as I appreciate my dad, thinking about all he does for me makes me realize I do not appreciate him enough. I feel like I take him for granted now instead of loving him as much as I did when I was still a child who has never experienced school. He works hard to be able to support the whole family, to be able to send my brothers and I to school, and he (along with my mom) actually pays for my whole tuition, rent, and other fees. When he makes business trips down to Thousand Oaks, he'll make the hour drive up to Santa Barbara to have dinner with me, then drive down an hour again. He tries to sacrifice time for me, but I don't feel like I appreciate him as much as I should. Thinking in this way, I realize that God, my heavenly Father, did much more for me. If I am not appreciating what my dad does enough, I'm probably not appreciating God as much as I should. That is a crazy realization.

I want to be able to spend as much time with my family in the future as possible. I want to be there for my kids or for my wife. Yet I know I will have to work to provide. However, I know I can't do it on my own. In the end, I need to remind myself that it is God who provides everything.

During the conference, Jake also talked about how men should love their wives and that work or ministry should not take priority. He talked about how there are so many broken homes and divorces because men put more effort into their work or that they are controlling with their wives and not giving them enough freedom. It inspired me to want to work on my marriage in the future.

Around ten days ago I read a blog post from a high school classmate I had not talked to since graduating. Yes, that sounds kind of creepy, but I've been noticing how interesting they seemed to be when I see them on my Facebook news feed. Anyways, her post talked about how awesome her father is. What stuck out most to me was how strong her dad was in prayer. From the post, he seems like a great example of how a father should be. He prays over his daughter by her bed when she is (supposedly) asleep. I want to be able to do that when I am a father in the future. Obviously I can't be him or anyone else. I will be myself when I am a father. However, that does not mean I can't follow an example.

Anyways, there's probably more I could say on this subject. However, I am just going to post it as is since I did write most of this a week and a half ago but left it before deciding to finish it tonight.

Until next time,
Kenneth

What's Your Story?

A couple weeks ago, Cru did an outreach in UCSB called "What's Your Story?" This involved people writing "3 minute testimonies" and having them posted on a website, a video of cardboard testimonies, and going out asking questions about stories and how people fit into an overarching story. I wrote mine and made sure it was about three minutes when I read it out loud. It will have to do for now, but I feel like it could have been better. First, I wrote that in the middle of the night before Epic Retreat so I could submit it on time. Second, I just followed a given format from a sheet that asked specific questions. I decided to just answer those questions. However, in order to keep it about three minutes while answering the questions, I felt like I left out a lot of details.

While I did mention that I tried to find identity in how others thought of me, I forgot to mention that I also tried finding my identity in doing well in school and being the smart kid in the family. There's a lot more to my testimony, but right now I feel that maybe it is best saved for whenever someone really wants to talk to me about it. It's just more personal that way.

I will end this as my shortest blog post.

Until next time,
Kenneth

An Easter Post (Random Thoughts)

The song 10,000 Reasons has been stuck in my head recently. It is a pretty simple worship song just listening to and singing it. I haven't tried playing it on an instrument yet. Even though I've only heard of it at the beginning of this year, it reminds me of when I would get lost in worship back when I first knew what it means to have a relationship with Christ. Maybe it is because I love how it mostly focuses on the Lord and not so much on us and how God worked on us. Granted, it is cool to have worship songs about how God works on us because of how broken we are, but it's so awesome to listen to worship music that focuses on His characteristics. I'm not sure if I am even making any sense.

It is Easter. I should be sleeping by now knowing I will attempt to wake up super early for the sunrise service. Yet, for some reason I felt like writing right now, right after reading passages in the Gospel about Jesus' resurrection. What stood out to me most was in Luke when an angel said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Why that passage? Maybe because it reminds me of Gospel choir when Pastor Victor Bell would quote that at every concert I remember. There is significance to it. After all, his resurrection is why we have Easter. His resurrection is why there are so many followers. His disciples abandoned Him, yet they end up preaching who Jesus is and dying for their beliefs. If Jesus never resurrected, then His whole ministry would have been a lie, and there is no reason to die for a lie. There must have been something significant to change the disciples' minds enough to get them to die for their faith in Christ. That significant thing is his resurrection.

It's funny. Recently I have been finding myself spending more time in prayer. I guess it is because I realize that I cannot rely on myself when it comes to making decisions. I had been making a lot of decisions lately. Some seem to be more spontaneous than others, and some of these spontaneous decisions...I don't even know why I made those decisions. Some, I never thought I would make whether ever or this soon. Yet, I find that some of my more spontaneous decisions had been more important in how I grow as a son of God and as a man. I would like to go into detail, but I feel like this is not the right place or time to talk about some of those decisions. However, I can say that God has been working in these decisions. I found myself stressing more when I relied on myself with some of these decisions, but when I bring it back to Him, things get better. What can I say? It's just been a crazy year for me. I've been having to face some of my insecurities, my pride dressed up as negativity. I want to see how God helps me grow even more during the rest of college. I want to see how I fit into His plan.

Short post, but that is all I really wanted to talk about. Until next time...
Kenneth

Insecurity = Pride?

I just changed the layout for blogger. I need to get used to it. It is interesting...I learned that I can look at the stats for my blog, and I did not realized that there had been 38 people viewing this blog in the last month (not sure if it counts myself though...). The peak in the last month was 18 views the day before my last two blog posts. I am surprised by that. Well, now that I got this out of the way, I can actually write something.

This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.

I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now.  Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.

I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?

Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?

Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.

"Everything that happens in your life is a direct result of how you see yourself compared to how God sees you." - Jake Lemmer

In the end, all these negative thoughts of myself, all these insecurities are there because I put them there or because I let them get to me. My parents can put pressure on me, but it is not their fault that I feel insecure. It is because I let the pressure hit me, so I am at fault for putting myself in that box. You could say that my parents are controlling myself in a way, but it is only because I am letting them. I need to give all that up to God instead. I cannot make choices if I am afraid of how my parents would think. By giving everything up to God, I can make choices.

Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Reasoning...or excuses? Also, thoughts on marriage...

Many times when I have to make decisions, I think of all the consequences or possible outcomes. Actually...that's true when I don't have to make decisions too. I usually call them my reasons for not doing things.

For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.

• I need to take summer classes in order to graduate on time.
• My parents may disown me if I went on a missions trip.
• I don't want to go for the wrong reasons like wanting to visit different places or being pressured to.
  
• If Spring Project instead, I feel like I need to spend more time with family because my mom thinks I do not love her.

I'm wondering if those are actually reasons or excuses. After all, I only have one more year of college, and these opportunities are almost impossible after I get a job.

I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:

• I only have one year of college left...is this a good idea?
• There is a lot of time and financial commitment...do I have the time? I also feel guilty using so much of my parents' money...
• Spring Quarter: I have trouble figuring out if I have the time when I know I will be super involved with BOTA.
• What are my reasons for wanting to join? I still can't even answer the question of what I could bring to AGO if I became a member...

There is probably more that I can't think of at the moment...

There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?

I don't have time.

In my mind, there are a LOT of reasons for me to not want to get into a relationship.

• Well...I don't have time as I said to my mom.
• I really want to be careful about this kind of thing.
• I feel like I should wait until God confirms to me and my future wife that we are going to be married.
• Through the above reason, I won't have had other relationships that would be an obstacle in my future relationship with my wife, nor would I be an obstacle in another girl's future relationship with her husband.
• I guess there might be somewhere deep inside my mind a fear of rejection like I have been in the past...even though I'm thankful for being rejected for the above reason.
• I don't think I am mature enough as a man.
• If I plan on marrying someone, how would I be able to support her or a family? How can I afford going on dates or even think about buying an engagement ring if I don't even have a job and rely on my parents' money?
• How do I know it's not just some random crush? I really think I'm not in a good position to ask anyone out...especially if I feel like there is a possibility I might have multiple crushes...

Honestly, that list could keep on going. Actually, any of those lists could keep on going. I convince myself that they are reasons, but what if some of them are excuses? Which ones are excuses? I ask this because there are times where I give certain people reasons for not doing certain things and they tell me that I'm just coming up with excuses. And I also find it sad that it is easier for me to come up with a list of "reasons" or "excuses" for why I don't date...

I also guess some of my reasons for not doing things would be out of rebelliousness. That is definitely not good when it comes to God. I used to reason with myself that I will marry a non-Asian because:

1. Before college, I've only had one crush that was Asian. All my other past crushes had been white or Latina.
2. My mom says I have to marry an Asian. I want to prove that there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.

However, I've realized that I can't be nitpicky about who I will marry in the future. Why? Because God already knows who I will marry in the future and I do not know. Whoever God has in mind could totally be Asian, and I would be rebelling against him by refusing to marry an Asian. By trying to show how judgmental my mom is about non-Asians, I am being judgmental myself. That is why the only thing I really require of my future wife is that she is in love with God more than me. It really does not matter what ethnicity my future wife is. And honestly, I should be more focused on growing myself so that I could be a good husband in the future instead. God is already working on my future wife, so I pray to God that he will help me grow as a man, that I can be a good husband and a good father in the future.

And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.

Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Overcoming Shyness...(Oh hey, that's the title of a book in Earthbound!)

If you did not know me, you may think I am a shy guy. If you got to know me, you might think I am not shy at all. Well, I am shy...I'm just more talkative around people I'm comfortable being around. I have trouble talking to people I don't really know.

A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.

God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.

So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.

It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.

I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.

Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.

Until next time,
Kenneth