The song 10,000 Reasons has been stuck in my head recently. It is a pretty simple worship song just listening to and singing it. I haven't tried playing it on an instrument yet. Even though I've only heard of it at the beginning of this year, it reminds me of when I would get lost in worship back when I first knew what it means to have a relationship with Christ. Maybe it is because I love how it mostly focuses on the Lord and not so much on us and how God worked on us. Granted, it is cool to have worship songs about how God works on us because of how broken we are, but it's so awesome to listen to worship music that focuses on His characteristics. I'm not sure if I am even making any sense.
It is Easter. I should be sleeping by now knowing I will attempt to wake up super early for the sunrise service. Yet, for some reason I felt like writing right now, right after reading passages in the Gospel about Jesus' resurrection. What stood out to me most was in Luke when an angel said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Why that passage? Maybe because it reminds me of Gospel choir when Pastor Victor Bell would quote that at every concert I remember. There is significance to it. After all, his resurrection is why we have Easter. His resurrection is why there are so many followers. His disciples abandoned Him, yet they end up preaching who Jesus is and dying for their beliefs. If Jesus never resurrected, then His whole ministry would have been a lie, and there is no reason to die for a lie. There must have been something significant to change the disciples' minds enough to get them to die for their faith in Christ. That significant thing is his resurrection.
It's funny. Recently I have been finding myself spending more time in prayer. I guess it is because I realize that I cannot rely on myself when it comes to making decisions. I had been making a lot of decisions lately. Some seem to be more spontaneous than others, and some of these spontaneous decisions...I don't even know why I made those decisions. Some, I never thought I would make whether ever or this soon. Yet, I find that some of my more spontaneous decisions had been more important in how I grow as a son of God and as a man. I would like to go into detail, but I feel like this is not the right place or time to talk about some of those decisions. However, I can say that God has been working in these decisions. I found myself stressing more when I relied on myself with some of these decisions, but when I bring it back to Him, things get better. What can I say? It's just been a crazy year for me. I've been having to face some of my insecurities, my pride dressed up as negativity. I want to see how God helps me grow even more during the rest of college. I want to see how I fit into His plan.
Short post, but that is all I really wanted to talk about. Until next time...
Kenneth
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Insecurity = Pride?
I just changed the layout for blogger. I need to get used to it. It is interesting...I learned that I can look at the stats for my blog, and I did not realized that there had been 38 people viewing this blog in the last month (not sure if it counts myself though...). The peak in the last month was 18 views the day before my last two blog posts. I am surprised by that. Well, now that I got this out of the way, I can actually write something.
This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.
I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now. Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.
I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?
Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?
Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.
Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.
Until next time,
Kenneth
This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.
I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now. Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.
I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?
Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?
Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.
"Everything that happens in your life is a direct result of how you see yourself compared to how God sees you." - Jake LemmerIn the end, all these negative thoughts of myself, all these insecurities are there because I put them there or because I let them get to me. My parents can put pressure on me, but it is not their fault that I feel insecure. It is because I let the pressure hit me, so I am at fault for putting myself in that box. You could say that my parents are controlling myself in a way, but it is only because I am letting them. I need to give all that up to God instead. I cannot make choices if I am afraid of how my parents would think. By giving everything up to God, I can make choices.
Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Reasoning...or excuses? Also, thoughts on marriage...
Many times when I have to make decisions, I think of all the consequences or possible outcomes. Actually...that's true when I don't have to make decisions too. I usually call them my reasons for not doing things.
For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.
I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:
There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?
And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.
Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.
Until next time,
Kenneth
For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.
- I need to take summer classes in order to graduate on time.
- My parents may disown me if I went on a missions trip.
- I don't want to go for the wrong reasons like wanting to visit different places or being pressured to.
- If Spring Project instead, I feel like I need to spend more time with family because my mom thinks I do not love her.
I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:
- I only have one year of college left...is this a good idea?
- There is a lot of time and financial commitment...do I have the time? I also feel guilty using so much of my parents' money...
- Spring Quarter: I have trouble figuring out if I have the time when I know I will be super involved with BOTA.
- What are my reasons for wanting to join? I still can't even answer the question of what I could bring to AGO if I became a member...
There is probably more that I can't think of at the moment...
There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?
I don't have time.In my mind, there are a LOT of reasons for me to not want to get into a relationship.
- Well...I don't have time as I said to my mom.
- I really want to be careful about this kind of thing.
- I feel like I should wait until God confirms to me and my future wife that we are going to be married.
- Through the above reason, I won't have had other relationships that would be an obstacle in my future relationship with my wife, nor would I be an obstacle in another girl's future relationship with her husband.
- I guess there might be somewhere deep inside my mind a fear of rejection like I have been in the past...even though I'm thankful for being rejected for the above reason.
- I don't think I am mature enough as a man.
- If I plan on marrying someone, how would I be able to support her or a family? How can I afford going on dates or even think about buying an engagement ring if I don't even have a job and rely on my parents' money?
- How do I know it's not just some random crush? I really think I'm not in a good position to ask anyone out...especially if I feel like there is a possibility I might have multiple crushes...
Honestly, that list could keep on going. Actually, any of those lists could keep on going. I convince myself that they are reasons, but what if some of them are excuses? Which ones are excuses? I ask this because there are times where I give certain people reasons for not doing certain things and they tell me that I'm just coming up with excuses. And I also find it sad that it is easier for me to come up with a list of "reasons" or "excuses" for why I don't date...
I also guess some of my reasons for not doing things would be out of rebelliousness. That is definitely not good when it comes to God. I used to reason with myself that I will marry a non-Asian because:
- Before college, I've only had one crush that was Asian. All my other past crushes had been white or Latina.
- My mom says I have to marry an Asian. I want to prove that there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.
And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.
Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Overcoming Shyness...(Oh hey, that's the title of a book in Earthbound!)
If you did not know me, you may think I am a shy guy. If you got to know me, you might think I am not shy at all. Well, I am shy...I'm just more talkative around people I'm comfortable being around. I have trouble talking to people I don't really know.
A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.
God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.
So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.
It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.
I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.
Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.
Until next time,
Kenneth
A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.
God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.
So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.
It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.
I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.
Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I never thought acne could make a good analogy...
Look at the title. It could be a good analogy...or a crazy farfetched one...
Anyways I'm putting aside an idea for a blog post to write this before I forget this one. Why acne you ask? Well...let's just say it's an issue my mom has with me. You will understand it by the end of the blog post. Story time? I think yes.
Ever since I was junior high, my mom either complained about me being too fat, complained about my dry lips, or complained about me having too much acne. I know it's her way of saying, "This is my way of saying I love you because I am scared that you can't get a wife in the future," but it still bothers me to this day. Whenever I would have an outbreak, she would blame it on:
1) lack of sleep/sleeping too late
2) eating fried food/desserts/not eating enough vegetables
And those things she blame my outbreaks on would give her an excuse to call me a bad boy and reasons to control me.
While those reasons may play a part in acne, I discovered I did not grow as much acne when I am in Santa Barbara and rarely, if ever, have an outbreak. I find that funny because I sleep less in college, have been eating a lot more vegetables than I used to, and have been eating more fried food and desserts in college. Yet, when I am home, I eat less sugary goodness, fried food, and I sleep in a lot. Granted, I still sleep late, but I really don't sleep later than when I am in school. Still, I have outbreaks when I am at home which I somehow do not get in school.
I also noticed that my lips only become dry when I'm back home. I never had to use chap stick when I am at school, but I need to use it when I come back. I decided maybe it is the dry climate here. I googled it, and dry climates can cause acne. I try explaining that to my mom, and she says that cannot be a reason and that it must be the same reasons she always uses. I also reasoned that if it is food, maybe it is all the Chinese food I eat at home. Chinese food tends to be oily, but that mostly applies to restaurants. Home-cooked is a lot healthier.
I am sure that I am right about the climate and my mom is wrong with her reasons, but at the same time, I have to accept that I could be wrong and that my mom would be right. It still does not explain why I have outbreaks at home while I do not in Santa Barbara.
My mom tries to treat my acne through various methods. It includes:
1) forcing me to have facial appointments
2) giving me different products to wash my face with
3) telling me I am not allowed to eat fried food or desserts
4) attempting to make me sleep before midnight (which never really works)
Facial appointments are good for removing the acne that is already there, but it does not prevent it. My mom still thinks going to facial appointments prevents acne. I sometimes feel that using multiple products would cancel each other out...or they just do not work and companies make tons of money by taking advantage of people's insecurities. A quick google search helped me determine that brownies and sugar are not the cause of acne. Sleep may be a reason, but again does not explain why I do not get breakouts in SB.
I just finished watching a movie, and as I passed by Starbucks, I saw Patrick there. I talked to him a little and mentioned the acne problem. He agreed that using products and going to facial appointments may treat the problem on the outside, but it does not stop the cause of the problem. When he said that, I thought, "hey, this sounds like it can make a good analogy..."
And here I am writing this. I think in a lot of areas, people want to solve the outer, most noticeable problems. However, when people are focused on the outside, they do not look deep into the root of the problem. I'm probably guilty of that a lot. There might be a deeper reason I am convinced that my mom is wrong, and a deeper reason for me to want to prove there are other reasons through googling. Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifn a similar fashion, I can see an outside reason for me not wanting to date is that I'm waiting for a clear sign from God saying, "this is the woman you will marry," when there may be a deeper reason like maybe getting rejected when I was younger or something and not wanting to be hurt again. However, that does not mean that the outside reason is not a reason. I still think it is best if I wait for God to tell me "this is the girl you will marry". That way, I don't have to date different people only for them to be obstacles in my future marriage or me being the obstacle in their future marriages. Sorry for going on a random tangent like that, but the point still stands that there may be a different, deeper reason for me choosing to not make certain choices.
I'm sure that is the point of having a sozo. A sozo is a ministry of healing. It goes into deeper healing. According to Bethel, "The Sozo ministry is a unique inner healing and deliverance ministry in which the main aim is to get to the root of those things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." I probably need to get a sozo. I'm sure there are people who might find this kind of stuff iffy, but I've seen it work with people.
The alternate title for this post could be "Deep Wounds"...but I think the current title sounds funnier. Plus I spent most of the post writing my story about acne problems. My relationship with my mom apparently can bring interesting stories. :P
I can notice problems with myself, but I might not be seeing the deeper issues with my problems. It's definitely something I should pray about. If you also need prayer for deeper issues, I could pray for you too.
Anyways, I need to be driving my brother to the airport in about five hours...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Anyways I'm putting aside an idea for a blog post to write this before I forget this one. Why acne you ask? Well...let's just say it's an issue my mom has with me. You will understand it by the end of the blog post. Story time? I think yes.
Ever since I was junior high, my mom either complained about me being too fat, complained about my dry lips, or complained about me having too much acne. I know it's her way of saying, "This is my way of saying I love you because I am scared that you can't get a wife in the future," but it still bothers me to this day. Whenever I would have an outbreak, she would blame it on:
1) lack of sleep/sleeping too late
2) eating fried food/desserts/not eating enough vegetables
And those things she blame my outbreaks on would give her an excuse to call me a bad boy and reasons to control me.
While those reasons may play a part in acne, I discovered I did not grow as much acne when I am in Santa Barbara and rarely, if ever, have an outbreak. I find that funny because I sleep less in college, have been eating a lot more vegetables than I used to, and have been eating more fried food and desserts in college. Yet, when I am home, I eat less sugary goodness, fried food, and I sleep in a lot. Granted, I still sleep late, but I really don't sleep later than when I am in school. Still, I have outbreaks when I am at home which I somehow do not get in school.
I also noticed that my lips only become dry when I'm back home. I never had to use chap stick when I am at school, but I need to use it when I come back. I decided maybe it is the dry climate here. I googled it, and dry climates can cause acne. I try explaining that to my mom, and she says that cannot be a reason and that it must be the same reasons she always uses. I also reasoned that if it is food, maybe it is all the Chinese food I eat at home. Chinese food tends to be oily, but that mostly applies to restaurants. Home-cooked is a lot healthier.
I am sure that I am right about the climate and my mom is wrong with her reasons, but at the same time, I have to accept that I could be wrong and that my mom would be right. It still does not explain why I have outbreaks at home while I do not in Santa Barbara.
My mom tries to treat my acne through various methods. It includes:
1) forcing me to have facial appointments
2) giving me different products to wash my face with
3) telling me I am not allowed to eat fried food or desserts
4) attempting to make me sleep before midnight (which never really works)
Facial appointments are good for removing the acne that is already there, but it does not prevent it. My mom still thinks going to facial appointments prevents acne. I sometimes feel that using multiple products would cancel each other out...or they just do not work and companies make tons of money by taking advantage of people's insecurities. A quick google search helped me determine that brownies and sugar are not the cause of acne. Sleep may be a reason, but again does not explain why I do not get breakouts in SB.
I just finished watching a movie, and as I passed by Starbucks, I saw Patrick there. I talked to him a little and mentioned the acne problem. He agreed that using products and going to facial appointments may treat the problem on the outside, but it does not stop the cause of the problem. When he said that, I thought, "hey, this sounds like it can make a good analogy..."
And here I am writing this. I think in a lot of areas, people want to solve the outer, most noticeable problems. However, when people are focused on the outside, they do not look deep into the root of the problem. I'm probably guilty of that a lot. There might be a deeper reason I am convinced that my mom is wrong, and a deeper reason for me to want to prove there are other reasons through googling. Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifn a similar fashion, I can see an outside reason for me not wanting to date is that I'm waiting for a clear sign from God saying, "this is the woman you will marry," when there may be a deeper reason like maybe getting rejected when I was younger or something and not wanting to be hurt again. However, that does not mean that the outside reason is not a reason. I still think it is best if I wait for God to tell me "this is the girl you will marry". That way, I don't have to date different people only for them to be obstacles in my future marriage or me being the obstacle in their future marriages. Sorry for going on a random tangent like that, but the point still stands that there may be a different, deeper reason for me choosing to not make certain choices.
I'm sure that is the point of having a sozo. A sozo is a ministry of healing. It goes into deeper healing. According to Bethel, "The Sozo ministry is a unique inner healing and deliverance ministry in which the main aim is to get to the root of those things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." I probably need to get a sozo. I'm sure there are people who might find this kind of stuff iffy, but I've seen it work with people.
The alternate title for this post could be "Deep Wounds"...but I think the current title sounds funnier. Plus I spent most of the post writing my story about acne problems. My relationship with my mom apparently can bring interesting stories. :P
I can notice problems with myself, but I might not be seeing the deeper issues with my problems. It's definitely something I should pray about. If you also need prayer for deeper issues, I could pray for you too.
Anyways, I need to be driving my brother to the airport in about five hours...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Monday, January 2, 2012
(Kind of) Reflecting on 2011...a cliche title for a New Years post!
Yep. I'm a day late, but whatever. I find that in the past year my relationship with God has not been as high "ethos"-wise (aka emotionally) as it has been for the past few years. I'm hoping that changes this year. Still, it does not necessarily mean I have not felt any emotions in my spiritual life. It just has not stood out as much as in the past. And I know emotion should not be the only thing to define my spiritual life.
Looking at the year from a superficial point of view, it has been an awesome year. It was the first year I had a random shiny Pokemon encounter; and I ended up having three of those. School-wise, I finally changed to a major I enjoy, and my grades have improved that I actually got nothing below an A- my fall quarter. I've had a lot of fun experiences being able to stay in Santa Barbara over the summer.
Looking at this year, I'm thinking God should have been more of a priority. It is kind sad when I noticed this year has been somewhat dry spiritually compared to the few years before it. Granted I did start reading the Bible more, but I feel like I need to be more intentional with my reading. I've noticed I spent less time at the prayer shed behind Jesus Burgers. I do not worship as wholeheartedly as I used to. I also rant a lot. I need to change my attitude...
On December 30th, I decided to go to the night watch at IHOP East Bay (the house of prayer in Dublin). I was there from 10pm to 3am. I wanted to stay until 4am, but my brother called at 3am because he was worried about me. Going to night watch for the first time was amazing for me. It's crazy to think about how there are people dedicated to stay up late in prayer and intercession. I had trouble staying awake as the hour from 1 to 2am was basically 5 minute intervals of being asleep and being awake. It helped me appreciate what they do. It also helped me realize how much I miss going to IHOP and spending my quiet time there. I know I don't have to go to a specific place to be with God, but it is so much easier for me to be away from distractions. Also, a busy school schedule made it hard for me to want to go to the prayer shed in IV (which is now IVHOP).
I definitely want to make more free time to go to IVHOP. I also want to make more time back in the Bay to go to IHOP East Bay without worrying about my mom getting mad at me for going out a lot or going out late. I want my relationship with God to continue to grow.
It is also crazy to see where God is leading everyone. Being back home for more than a week since last winter break has been amazing. I got to catch up with lots of people. Anton now has a part in the LA opera while looking for other jobs. He acts, plays music, writes, and makes art. I would like to visit him in LA. Anthony M is going to graduate this year, and he already got offered a job teaching a couple junior high Bible classes and leading chapel leadership at Valley Christian. It is funny thinking about how I first met him there when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th grade and that he prayed for me the first time we met. Back then, I would have never expected God to lead him back to teach. He is basically taking Mr. Merrell's teaching spot since Mr. Merrell is going to lead prayer and intercession full time. Ryan has a plan, and it is great to see how God has turned his life around from back when I first knew him in French class in 8th grade. There's just so much more I could talk about, and I am excited to see where He leads me.
Okay, so maybe the title of this post is kind of misleading...I didn't do too much reflecting on the last year. I guess I am looking more towards the future now.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Looking at the year from a superficial point of view, it has been an awesome year. It was the first year I had a random shiny Pokemon encounter; and I ended up having three of those. School-wise, I finally changed to a major I enjoy, and my grades have improved that I actually got nothing below an A- my fall quarter. I've had a lot of fun experiences being able to stay in Santa Barbara over the summer.
Looking at this year, I'm thinking God should have been more of a priority. It is kind sad when I noticed this year has been somewhat dry spiritually compared to the few years before it. Granted I did start reading the Bible more, but I feel like I need to be more intentional with my reading. I've noticed I spent less time at the prayer shed behind Jesus Burgers. I do not worship as wholeheartedly as I used to. I also rant a lot. I need to change my attitude...
On December 30th, I decided to go to the night watch at IHOP East Bay (the house of prayer in Dublin). I was there from 10pm to 3am. I wanted to stay until 4am, but my brother called at 3am because he was worried about me. Going to night watch for the first time was amazing for me. It's crazy to think about how there are people dedicated to stay up late in prayer and intercession. I had trouble staying awake as the hour from 1 to 2am was basically 5 minute intervals of being asleep and being awake. It helped me appreciate what they do. It also helped me realize how much I miss going to IHOP and spending my quiet time there. I know I don't have to go to a specific place to be with God, but it is so much easier for me to be away from distractions. Also, a busy school schedule made it hard for me to want to go to the prayer shed in IV (which is now IVHOP).
I definitely want to make more free time to go to IVHOP. I also want to make more time back in the Bay to go to IHOP East Bay without worrying about my mom getting mad at me for going out a lot or going out late. I want my relationship with God to continue to grow.
It is also crazy to see where God is leading everyone. Being back home for more than a week since last winter break has been amazing. I got to catch up with lots of people. Anton now has a part in the LA opera while looking for other jobs. He acts, plays music, writes, and makes art. I would like to visit him in LA. Anthony M is going to graduate this year, and he already got offered a job teaching a couple junior high Bible classes and leading chapel leadership at Valley Christian. It is funny thinking about how I first met him there when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th grade and that he prayed for me the first time we met. Back then, I would have never expected God to lead him back to teach. He is basically taking Mr. Merrell's teaching spot since Mr. Merrell is going to lead prayer and intercession full time. Ryan has a plan, and it is great to see how God has turned his life around from back when I first knew him in French class in 8th grade. There's just so much more I could talk about, and I am excited to see where He leads me.
Okay, so maybe the title of this post is kind of misleading...I didn't do too much reflecting on the last year. I guess I am looking more towards the future now.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Hard to be Loving When Family Judges...but it's Christmas!
The title explains the purpose for this post. I might be ranting. Sometimes I just need to rant. Still, the best thing I can do is continue loving my family because God loves them.
A lot of problems I notice within my family tends to come from my mom's love for gossiping and for thinking she knows everything. At least, that's how I feel sometimes. It is hard when she feels like her reputation is based on how family life is. I can't really blame her for that because that's what Asian culture is supposed to be like. Still, I feel hurt when she judges me or gossips what she thinks is true about me but isn't. It just brings more trouble for me, and my relatives start to judge me.
By writing this, I guess I am also gossiping in a way...so I'm only going to talk about how it affects me. Ergo I won't be talking about what she says about others because I do not know the full story on others' parts.
My mom claims to know me very well just because she's my mom. There's so much she refuses to being wrong about. For example, she claims I only call her when it's about money. That is not true. I call about other stuff...like asking about plans during break so I can plan them out. She then makes me feel guilty by saying I only call when I need money even when that is not the purpose of me calling. She also claims that I don't eat vegetables. Her "proof" is that when I'm at home, I have dry lips and I grow acne. She then says that's also why I'm not in good physical shape. Truth: I do eat vegetables, and I have been eating a lot more in college since it does not go bad as quickly as meat. Ergo, I don't think the lack of vegetables would be cause for dry lips. She then complains about all my imperfections and talks about how I'll never get married because of my lifestyle. Every time she talks like this, I'm hurt.
There is also this stigma that since I'm the Christian in the family, I have to be "perfect". That supposedly means I refuse to drink alcohol ever, that I can't watch films for older audiences, that I supposedly would faint if I ever met a gay person etc. The last two seem to be more prominent when I'm around my relatives from Taiwan. They ask if I can't add alcohol to the soup they were cooking for lunch today, and they assumed I do not want to watch the Hangover Part II because I'm a Christian. I'm fine with using alcohol as an ingredient in food, and I'm sure I will drink wine when I know I won't have to drive and there is occasion to drink. And being a Christian has nothing to do with whether I want to watch the Hangover Part II or not...I don't because that's just not my type of humor and I know plenty of Christians who would love to watch that kind of movie. As for meeting gay people...I go to UCSB, a pretty liberal school with plenty of LGBT people. I've met some and I'm friends with some (although I'm not that close to them). I'm fine when I'm around them and I do not fear them. I love them as people, and I'm fine with hanging out with them and talking to them. I don't see why there's this stigma about me when they apparently do not know me as well as they should.
Continuing to love on family is hard. The only way I know to love on them is to be respectful to them, to be available when they need me. At the same time, it fuels their assumption that I'm a "good boy", and they will ask me ignorant questions or continue to make assumptions about me. My relatives only hear about me through my mom, so usually what they think of me aligns with what my mom thinks she knows about me. I can only continue to love them and attempt not to get outwardly frustrated.
Still...it is Christmas today. I dropped my parents and younger brother at the airport today because they are going to Arizona for a tennis tournament. Meanwhile I am staying home with relatives from Taiwan to take care of cousins. I missed church to take family to the airport, but that's just how I'm attempting to show I care about family. My mom still thinks I don't care about family and assumes that I will be happily doing whatever I want while they are gone. It is hard being back home.
God placed me here for a reason. I am thankful that I have life in Jesus, that I'm alive in the first place. I guess I cannot learn to appreciate things unless I go through struggles. My struggle is to love my family even as they continue to make assumptions about me. I do not know how to "make" them see past their misconceptions. It is something they must learn themselves. I pray that God can move them in that direction.
Happy birthday to Jesus. And thank you for everything you put into my life. For all the people, family and friends, who love me. I'm thankful for the Santa Barbara friends who cared enough to hang out on my birthday as well. You know who you are. And if you are wondering if I got anything from my family for my birthday: not exactly. I'm thankful they are paying for college though, and my mom tells me that her and my dad's gift to me for both my birthday and Christmas is supporting me in college. Ergo, nothing tangible and superficial, just the experiences I have in college. So the gift isn't specific for the holiday season or my birthday. It's their gift as parents who want me to have better opportunities in the future, no matter how disappointed my mom is at my lack of direction. And writing this helps me feel somewhat less jealous that my brother got an Xbox 360 with MW3 for Christmas. :P
Until next time,
Kenneth
A lot of problems I notice within my family tends to come from my mom's love for gossiping and for thinking she knows everything. At least, that's how I feel sometimes. It is hard when she feels like her reputation is based on how family life is. I can't really blame her for that because that's what Asian culture is supposed to be like. Still, I feel hurt when she judges me or gossips what she thinks is true about me but isn't. It just brings more trouble for me, and my relatives start to judge me.
By writing this, I guess I am also gossiping in a way...so I'm only going to talk about how it affects me. Ergo I won't be talking about what she says about others because I do not know the full story on others' parts.
My mom claims to know me very well just because she's my mom. There's so much she refuses to being wrong about. For example, she claims I only call her when it's about money. That is not true. I call about other stuff...like asking about plans during break so I can plan them out. She then makes me feel guilty by saying I only call when I need money even when that is not the purpose of me calling. She also claims that I don't eat vegetables. Her "proof" is that when I'm at home, I have dry lips and I grow acne. She then says that's also why I'm not in good physical shape. Truth: I do eat vegetables, and I have been eating a lot more in college since it does not go bad as quickly as meat. Ergo, I don't think the lack of vegetables would be cause for dry lips. She then complains about all my imperfections and talks about how I'll never get married because of my lifestyle. Every time she talks like this, I'm hurt.
There is also this stigma that since I'm the Christian in the family, I have to be "perfect". That supposedly means I refuse to drink alcohol ever, that I can't watch films for older audiences, that I supposedly would faint if I ever met a gay person etc. The last two seem to be more prominent when I'm around my relatives from Taiwan. They ask if I can't add alcohol to the soup they were cooking for lunch today, and they assumed I do not want to watch the Hangover Part II because I'm a Christian. I'm fine with using alcohol as an ingredient in food, and I'm sure I will drink wine when I know I won't have to drive and there is occasion to drink. And being a Christian has nothing to do with whether I want to watch the Hangover Part II or not...I don't because that's just not my type of humor and I know plenty of Christians who would love to watch that kind of movie. As for meeting gay people...I go to UCSB, a pretty liberal school with plenty of LGBT people. I've met some and I'm friends with some (although I'm not that close to them). I'm fine when I'm around them and I do not fear them. I love them as people, and I'm fine with hanging out with them and talking to them. I don't see why there's this stigma about me when they apparently do not know me as well as they should.
Continuing to love on family is hard. The only way I know to love on them is to be respectful to them, to be available when they need me. At the same time, it fuels their assumption that I'm a "good boy", and they will ask me ignorant questions or continue to make assumptions about me. My relatives only hear about me through my mom, so usually what they think of me aligns with what my mom thinks she knows about me. I can only continue to love them and attempt not to get outwardly frustrated.
Still...it is Christmas today. I dropped my parents and younger brother at the airport today because they are going to Arizona for a tennis tournament. Meanwhile I am staying home with relatives from Taiwan to take care of cousins. I missed church to take family to the airport, but that's just how I'm attempting to show I care about family. My mom still thinks I don't care about family and assumes that I will be happily doing whatever I want while they are gone. It is hard being back home.
God placed me here for a reason. I am thankful that I have life in Jesus, that I'm alive in the first place. I guess I cannot learn to appreciate things unless I go through struggles. My struggle is to love my family even as they continue to make assumptions about me. I do not know how to "make" them see past their misconceptions. It is something they must learn themselves. I pray that God can move them in that direction.
Happy birthday to Jesus. And thank you for everything you put into my life. For all the people, family and friends, who love me. I'm thankful for the Santa Barbara friends who cared enough to hang out on my birthday as well. You know who you are. And if you are wondering if I got anything from my family for my birthday: not exactly. I'm thankful they are paying for college though, and my mom tells me that her and my dad's gift to me for both my birthday and Christmas is supporting me in college. Ergo, nothing tangible and superficial, just the experiences I have in college. So the gift isn't specific for the holiday season or my birthday. It's their gift as parents who want me to have better opportunities in the future, no matter how disappointed my mom is at my lack of direction. And writing this helps me feel somewhat less jealous that my brother got an Xbox 360 with MW3 for Christmas. :P
Until next time,
Kenneth
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