Self-Criticism...

I don't read the Bible often enough. I lack any motivation or any plan. Sometimes I act out of selfishness. Sometimes I envy things, and sometimes I'm jealous. I wish my body was in better shape. I wish I was better at _____. Sometimes I can be narcissistic. I'm an attention seeker. I criticize myself or my thoughts. Those are probably only a tiny fraction of my flaws.

I sometimes get mad at myself for not reading the Bible as often as others. I have trouble motivating myself to do so. I am sometimes jealous of the attention other people have. I envy the fact that there are people with resources to do things I don't have the resources for. Example, I like making movies but lack a good camera or a good editing software. I sometimes still feel like I weigh too much after years of my mom telling me I am too fat. When I fail to control how much I eat, like when I give in to peer pressure by participating in a pie eating contest, I feel disappointment from the thought that I will probably gain weight from that. I wish I had a better voice for singing or voice acting. I wish I had the attention span to practice playing an instrument. I wish I was a better writer.

I felt narcissistic when I came up with the idea to do a video that follows a person around for a day to meet up with the rest of the class because then Ian decided it will follow me. I'm glad we changed it so that the video was about how everyone in our class was different but united in Christ. I seek attention like when I decided to give in to peer pressure and be a part of the pie eating contest.

In the end, it should not be all about me. I criticize myself for thinking too much about these issues, but that is not the best action either. Even with all these thoughts based on the flesh, I know that God will not love me any more or less based on my actions or thoughts. It is because no one can be flawless that Christ came and died for our sins. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Although I know all this in my head, it needs to be fully understood in my heart. Once that happens, the full joy of Christ will be known. I don't have to work to gain His acceptance. I already have it. I don't have to criticize myself all the time. He loves me just the way I am.

Dear reader, I would like you to know that my original intention for the post was only to criticize myself. It was only after service at IVC today that I thought about the message of the last paragraph. I would like to encourage you to delight in the Lord. Let God into the parts of your life you have trouble with. For me to tell myself to stop criticizing myself is ironic in that I am criticizing myself in that way. I hope you have a wonderful day. In concluding my short post, remember that you are wonderfully made and are so blessed to have so much.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Where are my priorities?

What am I doing here? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't do better? Why do I make myself so busy that I fall asleep at places I shouldn't sleep at? What exactly am I trying to prove?

These are some questions that come into my head sometimes. I wonder why I'm studying what I'm studying. I wonder why I have so much trouble getting anything above a B+ in my classes. My grades seem to be falling no matter how hard I try. I have no time for naps. When I do have time for naps, I can't fall asleep and end up sleeping in class or a meeting. Finally, I am trying to please the wrong people.

Sometimes I find it hard to change where my heart is at. I still find myself trying to make my parents happy, but distancing myself in the process. I still find myself trying to do well in school in hopes of having a secure future. That all seems right, but wrong at the same time. In the end, the only thing I should care about is living for God. So why is it that I still struggle with trying to please my parents or try to do my own thing when I should just give it all up to Him?

I'm happy that I'm out of economics. I'm happy that I can study communications and film instead in hopes of getting a job related to the film industry. I also have a desire to be involved in the animation industry somehow even though I can't draw well. The problem is, I'm stressing over the fact that I need a 3.0 GPA in my communications classes to declare myself as a major, and I already messed up in PSTAT with a C+. To make things worse, I got a C in my Communications 88 midterm. Things already are not looking well for me as I need at least two solid B's and one A- to get in. If I can't get into communications, I have to find a new major and probably stay in college for a fifth year. I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I fear my parents' reactions if I don't become a communications major.

Why am I worried about that? I know I should give it all up to God, but why does it feel like I have not? I know God's plans for me are much better than anything I could think of, but I still feel unsure...unsure about my priorities.

It's funny to think that this is all temporary. It's funny to think that within two years I will no longer have to think about this, but I will have other worries instead. It's funny that I know I'll look back at this moment and think of it as nothing compared to what I will worry about in the future. It's like how I think my problems in the past are nothing now. It's funny how I'm writing this blog post instead of doing my paper due Monday when I have Epic Retreat going on this weekend. At this very moment, I'm falling asleep at Caje while writing this.

Sleep...that's something I need. Yet I'm still worried about my homework even when I still have 4 days to do them. To think, all this won't matter once I finish them. All this won't matter once I'm out of college and have a job. It only matters for my GPA which would be useful to find a first job.

The music at Caje...it makes me feel relaxed. I seriously can fall asleep here...

I want to put all my trust in God. I know he has everything covered. If I still worry about all this, have I even put my trust in God? Have I given it all up to Him if I still stress over so many things that do not matter as much as I think they do in the long run?

I probably need to stop all this rambling and go to sleep. Ergo I'll write something that will make sense when I'm awake. For now it's adieu to you.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Scheduling and Accountability

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I haven't really felt like I needed to write anything for many reasons. One being stress over changing majors and having a busy quarter catching up on reading. Another reason would be because I feel like my heart hasn't been in the right place. I haven't been actively building my relationship with Jesus like I was months ago. Instead of trusting Him in all I do, I had been relying on myself to do all the things I needed to get done. I guess that's why I have not been posting here.

Sure, I have been active in participating in a whole bunch of ministries. However, I've been asking myself if I had been doing it for the right reasons. I definitely need to get back into the habit of having quiet time again. Still, I find myself distracted by homework, by searching random stuff on the Internet, and trying to find time to hang out with people. The last two reasons are not very good reasons to be distracted. I think I need an accountability partner, and I definitely need to schedule my time better.

Last week, I met with John Hannon, my discipler. We basically spent the time organizing my schedule. He taught me how to use Google Calendar. It helped me realize how busy my schedule was, and I basically assigned all the free time I have to studying. My plan with free time had always been to use it all on studying until I'm done with all my reading and homework. Then for the rest of the time I would hang out. That is not a very good plan on my part. I need to actually schedule Jesus time in some of my free time. However, when I did schedule Jesus time after my 8AM, I ended up doing something else. I have also been falling asleep everywhere. I definitely need more self-control...

Last week I received a bid to pledge Alpha Gamma Omega again. For those of you who don't know it, it is a Christian fraternity. I definitely would like to join it, but it takes a lot of time commitment which is something I don't have much of. There are other reasons for me not joining like not being able to answer some questions, but I was influenced by someone to not join. Later, I talked to Finnegan about why I decided not to join. He told me I shouldn't let other people influence my decision, and he talked about how he feels that people judge AGO as a fraternity without actually knowing what it is like. He also talked about how AGO does a great job at keeping people accountable, which is something I know I need right now. The talk gave me more reasons for why I would want to join. However, I decided that I'm still too busy this quarter. I now wonder if I made the right choice...

I definitely know what I need. Jesus obviously. But I also know that I should schedule my time better, and I need accountability. It's motivating myself that's the hard part. I need to give it all up to Jesus, and trust that He will take care of it. Sorry for my "rant", but that is what I felt like doing right now.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Thoughts on Sophomore Winter Retreat

This weekend, I spent half of it with my fellow sophomores in some cabins at Lake Nacimiento. Can I say it was probably the best retreat I have ever been on? Well, I do say that for a lot of retreats, but I felt like I connected with so many people in just two days and got so much out of it. I felt a lot closer to some of the people, and it was a time where we could enjoy each others presence.

There was no speaker that I would fall asleep listening to like most retreats, and I didn't feel tired during small group discussions. That last part I could attribute to some of the deep questions brought up by the people in my group, and Ian definitely made me think a lot. Quiet time was great too. I went down the stairs outside to the lake where I either took pictures or just prayed.

We definitely did a lot together as a community. As bad as rainy weather seems, I would like to say that it forced everyone to be inside together. It was so much easier to talk to people because no one would wander off in the rain. Playing games like catchphrase, fishbowl, animals, and red rum were fun as well. There was also a competition to prepare food for the opposite gender. During that time, Andrew led us to create a tasty meal of stir fry, and desserts consisted of strawberries, pretzels, and bananas dipped in chocolate. The girls made fajitas, so we could put whatever we wanted in our dinner. They also bought ice cream for us. It was definitely great that we could bless each other by preparing dinner.

What was my favorite part of the trip? I'd have to say the last night we stayed there. We started worship about nine, and it became a time where many people started sharing their testimonies. I felt like I learned so much about some of my fellow classmates during that time. It was great seeing almost everyone in the room crying, including people I never saw cry before. There was also lots of hugging that occurred during the time. It was also encouraging for me to hear how much of the blessing our class and the trip was to some people, especially to those who are not believers but still decided to show up. God totally moved during that time.

Although I have already shared my testimony to some of the people there, I felt God leading me to share it with everyone there. I ended up sharing a shorter version of my short version of my testimony, so I forgot to mention some details. I also decided to mention some things I never really thought about mentioning until last night. As a result of making a last minute decision to do it and wanting to hear others share their testimonies, I felt like I did not share enough. I definitely felt more vulnerable sharing my past with 30 people, but I knew I forgot to talk about so much that I had to have people ask questions. Meredith and Michelle both asked questions, and Michelle reminded me of how much everyone really cared about me. They were both encouraging during that time. I felt even more encouraged and knew that I was supposed to share when Claire and Michelle told me afterward that they felt God wanted me to share my testimony.

This retreat was a time of bonding as a community, and also a time to learn more about God's love for us. God totally moved during the retreat. I'm already excited for the next time we do something like this. Although I've written quite a bit of my thoughts on the retreat, I feel like there's so much more I could write but don't have the energy to. If you were there for my super short version of my testimony, or if you weren't, and you would like to hear more, I would encourage you to ask me to talk more. I'd be glad to meet up with you sometime because I feel like there's so much I could share but didn't have the time to or forgot to mention them.

Anyways, I should be off to bed now...

Until next time,
Kenneth

Another Post on Dreams...

Dreams can be a very intriguing concept. It's a place where you can have ideas, where stories come to life, where the impossible happen, where your worst nightmares may come to life, and where things may not make any sense. It can also be a place of self discovery. God can also use dreams to talk to us.

Recently I've been starting to type out whatever dreams I may remember and feel have a significant meaning. Instead of buying an actual journal, I just write one in my computer. If I look back at them, I think, "I have some of the most ridiculous dreams." Seriously, they do not make too much sense. Some of them involve people from my high school, some I haven't even seen since graduating. Some of my dreams have elements from video games being in "real life", and some dreams also have children being a big focus.

If I try to remember back a few years, I can think of multiple dreams where I'm running around in an urban setting, going through department stores or malls or hotels either trying to run away from something or searching. What do I run from? What am I looking for? I have no idea. These department stores in settings that remind me of Tokyo seem to come once in a while.

The last one I had with that type of setting was a dream about going to a conference. We were staying at a hotel/department store in a city that reminded me of Tokyo, but with smaller buildings and was supposedly two hours away from Santa Barbara. I decided to go to a random floor, and on that floor there was a room filled with stuffed Pichu. There were carnival or arcade games where the prize was Pichu, the floor was occupied by them, and they were hanging on walls. The room also reminded me of another game room I've been to in another dream from a long time ago, but remodeled and filled with Pichu dolls. Then I left the room to go to the top floor where my room was supposed to be. When I got to the top floor, I saw a glass case that jewelry stores usually have, and there was a section with no wall, which left the room exposed to open air. On closer inspection of the case, I noticed there was ice cream and other random snacks in them. Then some freshman girl asked what I was doing. I then explained I was trying to pick something out. She asked when I was planning on leaving. I told her I would leave on Monday because I would need to be back for a midterm. She then told me that she planned on staying for the whole conference which ended on Tuesday, and she was skipping a midterm for it. She then tried to convince me to stay.

About a month ago, I had a dream where I came back to the dorms of UCSB, except it was also transformed into a shopping mall of sorts. The top floor was the dorm lounge, but there was a handicap ramp down into the rest of the building which was basically the mall. I wanted to get the rest of my things, so I decided to go out the fire exit. When I opened the door for the fire exit, I noticed that if I took another step, I would fall down a few stories. The fire escape was to the side of the door instead of right behind it, so I did not want to risk falling. Instead, I decided to run down the stairs or handicap ramp. As I ran down each story, I got to the second floor where people were handing out free samples of candy and chocolate.

I also remember dreams where I was either in Japan or on vacation somewhere, and I just ran around exploring shopping centers or malls. There was even one where I ran around a fancy hotel with the walls being mirrors. I've also hopped between trains in some dreams. Again, I am not sure whether I was running from something or searching for something. I am curious to know why I would be running around in places like that. There must be a reason I would be going through the trouble of running through different levels, jumping down stairs or having parkour skills to climb up to different levels. Whatever the case, I find it amusing I would have so many dreams set in department stores/malls/hotels. I'm sure a psychologist would be interested in studying that.

Anyways, I should be studying for a quiz...

Until next time,
Kenneth

Illuminate: West Coast Epic Conference 2011

Last weekend I was back up in San Francisco for Epic Conference. If you don't know what Epic is, it is a ministry for reaching out to Asian Americans. In UCSB, it is one of the movements working with Campus Crusade although it's also independent from Campus Crusades on other campuses.

The theme for Epic Conference this year was Illuminate. Conference started Friday night and ended after the morning session on Monday. We had Monday off school because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The schedule for the weekend was pretty packed, so the only time we got to really socialize was at night or during meals. There was a main meeting during the mornings and nights, and the afternoons were different each day. Saturday afternoon we went to two seminars, and we went outreaching on Sunday afternoon.

Although I barely had any sleep during the whole weekend and was half asleep in some of the sessions, I still learned a lot during it. I learned a lot more about myself and realized things I have not thought of before. I also got to meet many other Asian Americans who were part of Epic in different schools. From here I will summarize sessions by copying off notes I wrote down.

Saturday morning, We talked about how we should not present ourselves as perfect and should allow ourselves to be human. Jesus showed emotion which is something many Christians tend to try and not show.

Emotional Health and Spiritual Maturity are Inseparable. It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.

The speaker also talked about the "Emotional Jug". We feel a plethora of emotions, but we put a "lid of indifference". As a result, we start leaking all over the place. We think we need to ignore to love, but that is not how it works. Asians tend to be passive-aggressive. We feel like it's better to stay silent because we don't know how to handle our emotions. Since we contain our emotions, we leak until we blow up. The speaker then says how we would rather keep the peace when in reality we are living lies. Instead of hiding our emotions, we need to learn to manage them. While to persevere is a virtuous task, doing it without emotions is more harmful than good. Usually it's harder for men to embrace their feelings. One final thing he said that morning that stuck out to me was that we tend to be dishonest with God.

During the afternoon we had seminars. I had to pick two out of a plethora of good ones, so I ended up going to "Changing in Him" and "Healthy Relationships". During "Changing in Him", the speaker talked about becoming our true selves which is a topic I believe I discussed earlier in this blog. God is the prime reality and we need to live in both grace and truth, People tend to live in one or the other. Growth comes from both truth and grace, and it needs time. Without love, there is no growth. Bonding is the first and foremost stage to growth. When we attack and judge, it describes what's going on in us. The speaker tells us we need to begin to believe in ourselves. He also said obedience does not necessarily mean honoring...or was it respecting. I was half asleep so I didn't really get that.

During the "Healthy Relationships" seminar, we talked about how we need to connect with both God and people. "God made us to have a longing for the longing." We can't grow without grace, and healthy relationships is not an optional thing. Some things required in a healthy relationship is mutuality, trust, addressing our emotions, and other things. When it comes to mutuality, they talked about support and equality. It is about two complete people, not just one. Relationships are not to complete you. Complementary relationships are fun and healthy while completing is looking for people to take care of our own immaturity. We all need to become competent in areas we are weak in. After covering mutuality, we talked about how we need to address our emotions. A relationship is not someone taking care of you; it's taking responsibility. You need to take ownership of yourself. Growing in relationships involve risk. You have to invite risk, change, and growth for a healthy relationship. It is not healthy if you feel like you are stuck in one you need to be in and have no freedom. If you feel like you'll fall apart if you lose a relationship, something is wrong. They are fun if you can choose to be in them. "If there is no conflict in a relationship, one person isn't needed or one person is eating a lot of dirt." Having a relationship involves living with differences that aren't comfortable.

Saturday night related Jesus' life to Israel. It also talked about II Corinthians 5:21 and its implications: that we are fully loved, fully accepted, have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, and nothing to fear. It is not based on what I've done, but based on Christ's love. Sunday morning talked about how it's Jesus who triumphs in our weakness, not us. We have to realize how much we have been forgiven. Sunday night talked about how 1 Peter is a book about minorities. It references a bunch of old testament books, and we are called to be chosen people of God. We are His inheritance. The speaker then talked about how our heritage is a gift from God to be used for His gospel to the world. We are called to be Royal Priesthood. We also talked about Holiness in community.

Finally, Monday morning talked about how we are in God's family and how we aren't second class. We are the heir of God the King and we own everything He owns. We are called to declare God's praises to the nations or the world. God provides Himself as a source of strength. We have our own identity and our own voice. We aren't defined as Asians or as Americans, but we are defined as God's children.

Now that I'm done summarizing notes, I will write my thoughts on conference. It was definitely interesting meeting a whole bunch of Asian American Christians in one place. We all came from different backgrounds, and we each have our own stories. However, I loved how I can relate to some of the topics covered during conference. I was reminded that honoring my parents does not necessarily mean obeying them in everything. I definitely learned more about identifying myself as an Asian-American. It was also interesting to meet non-Christians who decided to attend the conference. I was curious about what they thought of the whole thing. Of course, it was also fun hanging out with people in the middle of the night after the night session. Overall, it was an awesome experience being able to attend the conference. I'm now too tired to write more on what I've learned during conference, so I'll end on this note.

Until next time!
Kenneth

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

It's hard to believe it's 2011 already. I still have trouble thinking of myself as 20 years old. 2010 had been a pretty amazing year. I feel like as each year comes, things keep getting better and better. Obviously there are still some tough times and things I struggle with, but I don't plan on letting those keep me down.

It seriously has been a wonderful year with college. I've met a majority of my Real Life Class of 2013 friends in January or April, and God has continued to remind me of how much He loves me. I could attempt to summarize my year, but then I would have to look at my past blog posts to remind myself.

I'm the type of person who doesn't make New Years resolutions. Why you ask? It is because I know I will probably forget them. I'm also the type of person who can be a perfectionist when it comes to myself, but still save everything for the last minute. However, my perfectionism isn't enough for me to want to double check whatever papers I write or whatever schoolwork I do. It's like a paradox. I don't know why I went off on this tangent, but I'm not going to erase it.

Here is the prayer I wrote in the prayer journal at the International House of Prayer East Bay just a couple hours before the new year started:

Praise God! Jesus, thank you for all that you have done for me, thank you for life, for loving me, for freedom in YOU! Thank you for blessing me with so much this year, for all my friends that I've met who help me open up and grow more in you! Thank you for giving me boldness in sharing my testimony this year. Thank you for bringing me through struggles. I pray for more growth this year; to seek you more. You are number 1! I pray that you will bless IHOP East Bay, and I want to pray for the 24/7 prayer movement starting up in Isla Vista this summer. I love you Daddy!
-Kenneth S.

Maybe this seems more like something I should have written during Thanksgiving...

Anyways, the last year had been a pretty awesome year. It was awesome being a part of Real Life in UCSB, and it was great becoming a part of the Epic ohana. It has also been awesome going to Reality (although I fall asleep in service sometimes...), and I love how Isla Vista Church is like a family. Meeting so many loving Christians had been a blessing. I want to thank God for bringing me into such awesome communities. Of course, I feel like there are people who feel that I'm not open about myself, and so I hope with this year I can grow closer with everyone.

For the rest of this post, I'm going to mention some awesome people who came into my life this ye...err I mean last year. Of course, I'm probably not going to mention everyone because then this list would be too long. I'm also going to call them by the nicknames I have in my head that I don't usually say out loud unless I don't actually have a nickname for them. Ian Charbonnet, Mere Bear, Melton, Klezek, Amanda manda manda manda manda Chiang, Jodan-san, Dah-veed (Salazar), David Hoang, Mee-shell Quesadilla, Claire Bear...actually I think I'll stop now because there's too many people to mention. I wuvs yoooooooooooooooouuuuuuuzzz!!!! That was probably the least formal thing I wrote on this blog so far...ever.

Of course, there are plenty of awesome people back in the Bay Area too. I feel like I have to mention Ryan Frank, but I'm also too lazy to make another list of people only to end it too early.

2010 was a pretty amazing year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for 2011. When Todd Benjamin Lout, my youth pastor, asked in a facebook status "What are your goals for 2011?" my answer was "To spend more time with God...because I get distracted easily..." Pray that I can keep this goal and not get so distracted.

Until next time,
Kenneth