It's that time of year again! A day where couples celebrate their relationships. Meanwhile single people like me can either accept that or wallow in their loneliness. I'll admit, I used to be somewhat bitter about the day. I would hide it by joking about singles awareness day. Now...it still hasn't hit me yet. Maybe it's because I'm worried about other things like not having a job yet. Maybe it's because I haven't been around as many girls lately due to moving back home where I don't really have much of a social life. My social life back home is just my church, and there just isn't really any single woman my age that I'm interested in.
I used to feel sad on this day. Now, if I'm sad, it's for a different reason than being single. In any case, I am happy for those who are in happy relationships. Whether they are a dating couple, engaged, or married, I hope they have a fun day.
This holiday is considered a holiday for couples in the United States. It might be celebrated this way in many countries, though it could be celebrated differently in other countries. For example, in Japan and Korea, this is a day where women give chocolate to men. They may put in effort to make chocolate for men they love, or they can buy chocolate and give obligatory ones to male acquaintances. Men return the favor the next month on White Day where they give chocolate or other gifts to the women. In the US, there are a variety of ways to celebrate. People usually go on dates, couples exchange gifts, and people can be more creative with what they do. It's not limited to girls giving chocolate.
While our culture knows this day as a day for couples, many people don't actually know who Saint Valentine is. One legend says that he was a first century priest who defied an order emperor Claudius. The order prevented soldiers from marrying because the emperor thought staying single would mean the soldiers would fight better. Valentine secretly married couples so that soldiers would not have to go to war. There was another legend where he went to prison for not worshiping pagan gods. While in prison, he shared his testimony and prayed for people. While there, he prayed for the jailer's daughter, and her blindness was healed. On the day of his execution, he left a note signed "Your Valentine."
Valentine was a man who lived for God. He was martyred because he loved God. He continued to minister while in prison. I want to see this day as a day to celebrate a man who loved God. While it being seen as a day for couples won't change, I can change my attitude of this day. It's probably easier now that I don't really hang around women my age, but that shouldn't be the reason. It should be a day where I celebrate it because I know that I love God. I'm sure that if I had other friends around, I could celebrate it by hanging out with friends. For now, I pray that I can meditate on Him, just as Saint Valentine lived his life for God.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Friday, February 14, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Post-grad Struggles, Dreams
It has been four months. Four months since I left Santa Barbara. Four months since I finished my internship at TVSB. What do I have to show from the time I have been back in the Bay Area? Nothing.
Currently I struggle with finding a steady job. I've worked at warehouses during November and December through temp agencies. They were not steady jobs, and it was because Christmas was the busiest time for warehouses. Also, one of them was going through a transition with new workers, so they needed help. Other than that, I do not get responses. I have very little work experience to offer employers, and my skills are not impressive enough for many places to want to hire when they could get someone better. I guess my major also puts limitations on the kind of jobs I could be looking for.
What would I like to do? Realistically, I should be pursuing video editing or something in that area. The problem is I don't have much to show for it. If I want to make more works of my own, I need to have a camera, a good editing program, and a computer that could handle something like that. That is one reason why I'm trying to find other jobs for now. I need to save up to be able to pay for all that. To be honest, I decided I needed a new computer once my laptop started overheating. All those costs add up, and I would still need to have money for essentials. Basically, learning to manage money has become a struggle.
If I could be a little more free with the kinds of stuff I want to do, I would also like to become a voice actor, or a vlogger, or something else. I also enjoy writing despite not having updated this blog in months. Those wishes are a little more unrealistic. Why? Because I have not done much to step into those kinds of directions. Because I don't think I have the talent or charisma to do those kinds of things. Because very few people actually can make enough money from doing those kinds of things. Plus, I don't have much funds to be able to invest in doing those kinds of things. I guess besides money being a struggle, it is also looking down on myself.
Right now, I am thinking of working for the JET Program to teach English in Japan. It is more realistic especially on the short term, and it allows me to have some sort of an adventure. I have submitted everything I need for it, so now it is a waiting game of if I get an interview and pass.The earliest I could start is early start in April through August because the early start program is if there is a need. Otherwise, people normally start in August. What would I like to do with that? Besides being on an adventure, it would be nice to learn more Japanese, have some cultural exchange, and maybe I could even start a vlog. Of course, I would need a camera for that...and maybe a better editing program than Windows Movie Maker. Hopefully my computer doesn't overheat from editing on that. While that is my hope for this next year, I don't even know if that will work out. I have money saved up for the first month of living there if I do get accepted, but I still need to save up for everything else I plan on doing (again, with camera and stuff like that).
Maybe I could use a fundraiser site for that kind of stuff? I thought about it, but felt that it would make me seem like a lazy person who cannot work to pay for his own stuff. Not to mention, my parents will not be paying for that kind of stuff except for if I'm just borrowing and paying back. The problem with that is I am not guaranteed to be paid enough to pay back, so I want to be able to save up and pay on my own. In any case, I might be revealing too much of my thoughts right now...or not. I would feel bad asking for money from others to do what I want to do. Maybe I am dreaming too much.
Another struggle I have been having is feeling like I am a part of a community. Yes, people who graduated before me have warned me about the lack of Christian community outside of college. While I thought I understood that, going through it is harder than I thought it would be. While I am going to my home church and started going to the young adults home group, I still have trouble feeling like I am really a part of it. I still miss the connections I made down in Santa Barbara, and it is difficult trying to reconnect with the few that moved back to the Bay Area. As a result, I don't feel like I have grown much. I know I need to make more of an effort in my spiritual growth, but it is easier said than done. I do think that while I am at church and home group, people are making an effort to make me feel connected. However, outside of those settings, I don't feel very connected.
I trust that God has me where I need to be for now, and that He will take me where I need to be. He will provide me with my needs. However, my hopes and dreams are not necessarily what I need. While it is hard to keep waiting and to keep looking, I trust that things will get better. It is hard hearing my mom's disappointment in me and that I could be a part of her depression, but I still have enough hope to keep waiting. Pray for my mom as she is going through hard times right now.
Maybe I have been too open and vulnerable with this post, but I just wanted to share what I'm going through with the few (or no people) who read this.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Edit: As of 1/21/14, I did not get accepted for an interview for JET. Time to reevaluate what I'm doing again.
Currently I struggle with finding a steady job. I've worked at warehouses during November and December through temp agencies. They were not steady jobs, and it was because Christmas was the busiest time for warehouses. Also, one of them was going through a transition with new workers, so they needed help. Other than that, I do not get responses. I have very little work experience to offer employers, and my skills are not impressive enough for many places to want to hire when they could get someone better. I guess my major also puts limitations on the kind of jobs I could be looking for.
What would I like to do? Realistically, I should be pursuing video editing or something in that area. The problem is I don't have much to show for it. If I want to make more works of my own, I need to have a camera, a good editing program, and a computer that could handle something like that. That is one reason why I'm trying to find other jobs for now. I need to save up to be able to pay for all that. To be honest, I decided I needed a new computer once my laptop started overheating. All those costs add up, and I would still need to have money for essentials. Basically, learning to manage money has become a struggle.
If I could be a little more free with the kinds of stuff I want to do, I would also like to become a voice actor, or a vlogger, or something else. I also enjoy writing despite not having updated this blog in months. Those wishes are a little more unrealistic. Why? Because I have not done much to step into those kinds of directions. Because I don't think I have the talent or charisma to do those kinds of things. Because very few people actually can make enough money from doing those kinds of things. Plus, I don't have much funds to be able to invest in doing those kinds of things. I guess besides money being a struggle, it is also looking down on myself.
Right now, I am thinking of working for the JET Program to teach English in Japan. It is more realistic especially on the short term, and it allows me to have some sort of an adventure. I have submitted everything I need for it, so now it is a waiting game of if I get an interview and pass.The earliest I could start is early start in April through August because the early start program is if there is a need. Otherwise, people normally start in August. What would I like to do with that? Besides being on an adventure, it would be nice to learn more Japanese, have some cultural exchange, and maybe I could even start a vlog. Of course, I would need a camera for that...and maybe a better editing program than Windows Movie Maker. Hopefully my computer doesn't overheat from editing on that. While that is my hope for this next year, I don't even know if that will work out. I have money saved up for the first month of living there if I do get accepted, but I still need to save up for everything else I plan on doing (again, with camera and stuff like that).
Maybe I could use a fundraiser site for that kind of stuff? I thought about it, but felt that it would make me seem like a lazy person who cannot work to pay for his own stuff. Not to mention, my parents will not be paying for that kind of stuff except for if I'm just borrowing and paying back. The problem with that is I am not guaranteed to be paid enough to pay back, so I want to be able to save up and pay on my own. In any case, I might be revealing too much of my thoughts right now...or not. I would feel bad asking for money from others to do what I want to do. Maybe I am dreaming too much.
Another struggle I have been having is feeling like I am a part of a community. Yes, people who graduated before me have warned me about the lack of Christian community outside of college. While I thought I understood that, going through it is harder than I thought it would be. While I am going to my home church and started going to the young adults home group, I still have trouble feeling like I am really a part of it. I still miss the connections I made down in Santa Barbara, and it is difficult trying to reconnect with the few that moved back to the Bay Area. As a result, I don't feel like I have grown much. I know I need to make more of an effort in my spiritual growth, but it is easier said than done. I do think that while I am at church and home group, people are making an effort to make me feel connected. However, outside of those settings, I don't feel very connected.
I trust that God has me where I need to be for now, and that He will take me where I need to be. He will provide me with my needs. However, my hopes and dreams are not necessarily what I need. While it is hard to keep waiting and to keep looking, I trust that things will get better. It is hard hearing my mom's disappointment in me and that I could be a part of her depression, but I still have enough hope to keep waiting. Pray for my mom as she is going through hard times right now.
Maybe I have been too open and vulnerable with this post, but I just wanted to share what I'm going through with the few (or no people) who read this.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Edit: As of 1/21/14, I did not get accepted for an interview for JET. Time to reevaluate what I'm doing again.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Average
I'm an average person. Well...an average young adult in relation to ones who studied film in college. I've had an average life, growing up and going to school. I am an average Asian who had good grades in high school and did well enough in college. There's nothing really special about me. I'm not skilled in a particular area that would make me stand out. I just do well enough in a lot of stuff. Maybe that's why I'm unable to get a job so far. I'm an average idealist with dreams and desires, but I'm also average enough to see some reality around me. I dream of getting a good job that I would enjoy, eventually get married, and start my own family while being able to support it. Even while writing this, I imagine this could be the starting narration of a short film. But who would watch a film about an average person?
I'm an average fanboy. What makes a person a fanboy? According to Urban Dictionary, a fanboy is "a passionate fan of various elements of geek culture." What am I a fan of? Nintendo, animation (Japanese and American), manga, etc. It's to the point where I think it would be cool if I could be a voice actor for animation or that it would be cool to teach English in Japan for a year. The latter is more realistic. I even started attempting to teach myself some Japanese. Maybe I'm not so average...maybe I'm just average in relation to a niche type of group.
Recently I got into an anime called The World God Only Knows. The show is not about God, but rather it is about a dating game nerd with the nickname "The God of Conquest". It is about the main character having to capture loose spirits from the hearts of girls. It's more of a comedy. Why am I mentioning this? Well, there is a character in the series named Chihiro. She starts out as a regular background character but eventually grows in importance. Her problem is she's just average. All the other characters conquered have something that makes them stand out, but she is designed to be the "normal person" of the series. That's why Keima, the main character, never really understood her or how to deal with her. She is important in the second half of the last arc recently shown in the anime. However, throughout the whole ordeal, she feels she did not stand out in any way. Chihiro is just an average person who accidentally gets herself involved in something much bigger, and she is only trying to help out in any way she can.
In a way, I saw myself relating to her because I've felt like I'm just an average person who does not have any skills that particularly stood out. Sure, I may have a personality that stands out. That's why people have told me I'm weird or unique in a good way. I just don't know how I could use that personality in a search for a job or to do something big. As far as I know, I don't have any outstanding practical skills I could be using. Like Chihiro, who never joined a club, got slightly above average grades, who felt like she was in the shadows of others who stand out and are set apart, I sometimes feel average in the same way.
However, while Chihiro did seem like just an average girl, the role she played in the series ends up being much bigger than she thought she'd ever be. She starts a band hoping to stand out. Her actions become obstacles at first, but she eventually finds out what is going on and helps out. Because of the ways she helps Keima out, he ends up completing a task to avoid the world ending. Since she gets involved, she eventually stands out and has a much bigger impact than she realizes. Yet, she still feels left out in the end.
Why go into all that detail? I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like an average person like Chihiro. I have not done anything really important, nor do I think I really stand out besides through my unique personality and interests. I don't have skills that stand out, or at least I think I don't. All I am is a background character...
But maybe I have a bigger role than I realize. Maybe I'm like Chihiro in that I think of myself as just an average person of no importance, but in reality my role and actions have an impact on a much bigger story. The story I'm referring to is not about me. I guess with the time I have here on Earth, what I could be doing is to share the love of God. In what way can I be doing that? I guess it's still something I'm trying to figure out. Maybe relating myself to an anime would be a strange way of speaking what has been on my mind. Maybe I'm not so average. Oh well...
Until next time,
Kenneth
I'm an average fanboy. What makes a person a fanboy? According to Urban Dictionary, a fanboy is "a passionate fan of various elements of geek culture." What am I a fan of? Nintendo, animation (Japanese and American), manga, etc. It's to the point where I think it would be cool if I could be a voice actor for animation or that it would be cool to teach English in Japan for a year. The latter is more realistic. I even started attempting to teach myself some Japanese. Maybe I'm not so average...maybe I'm just average in relation to a niche type of group.
Recently I got into an anime called The World God Only Knows. The show is not about God, but rather it is about a dating game nerd with the nickname "The God of Conquest". It is about the main character having to capture loose spirits from the hearts of girls. It's more of a comedy. Why am I mentioning this? Well, there is a character in the series named Chihiro. She starts out as a regular background character but eventually grows in importance. Her problem is she's just average. All the other characters conquered have something that makes them stand out, but she is designed to be the "normal person" of the series. That's why Keima, the main character, never really understood her or how to deal with her. She is important in the second half of the last arc recently shown in the anime. However, throughout the whole ordeal, she feels she did not stand out in any way. Chihiro is just an average person who accidentally gets herself involved in something much bigger, and she is only trying to help out in any way she can.
In a way, I saw myself relating to her because I've felt like I'm just an average person who does not have any skills that particularly stood out. Sure, I may have a personality that stands out. That's why people have told me I'm weird or unique in a good way. I just don't know how I could use that personality in a search for a job or to do something big. As far as I know, I don't have any outstanding practical skills I could be using. Like Chihiro, who never joined a club, got slightly above average grades, who felt like she was in the shadows of others who stand out and are set apart, I sometimes feel average in the same way.
However, while Chihiro did seem like just an average girl, the role she played in the series ends up being much bigger than she thought she'd ever be. She starts a band hoping to stand out. Her actions become obstacles at first, but she eventually finds out what is going on and helps out. Because of the ways she helps Keima out, he ends up completing a task to avoid the world ending. Since she gets involved, she eventually stands out and has a much bigger impact than she realizes. Yet, she still feels left out in the end.
Why go into all that detail? I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like an average person like Chihiro. I have not done anything really important, nor do I think I really stand out besides through my unique personality and interests. I don't have skills that stand out, or at least I think I don't. All I am is a background character...
But maybe I have a bigger role than I realize. Maybe I'm like Chihiro in that I think of myself as just an average person of no importance, but in reality my role and actions have an impact on a much bigger story. The story I'm referring to is not about me. I guess with the time I have here on Earth, what I could be doing is to share the love of God. In what way can I be doing that? I guess it's still something I'm trying to figure out. Maybe relating myself to an anime would be a strange way of speaking what has been on my mind. Maybe I'm not so average. Oh well...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Musings during a meteor shower
The Perseid meteor shower. I try to see it each year. Sometimes it doesn't work out due to weather conditions. This year, the weather was fine. However, I need more sleep before work. What will I decide? I guess I could spend a little time seeing it, and I will go back home to sleep on time.
A meteor shower is something I want to see with friends. It would be more fun that way. I wonder, "What would it look like if what I was going through was an anime? What would it look like?" Those are weird questions to be asking in general. Maybe I have been spending too much time watching anime recently.
Walked to the Plex. Seems like anyone who would have been interested in going already left. I decided to walk to the trail by Manzanita cliffs. There's probably less light pollution over the ocean. As I walk there, I was reminded of when I went by some cliffs on DP to see a meteor shower my freshmen year of college. I went with a few hall mates. This time, I was going by myself. Since there are no lights along the path, I walked right into the darkness. The path was one I was familiar with. I kept on walking to get farther from the lights of IV.
As I made my way to the benches, I realized there was already people sitting there. I walked back a bit to not interrupt them. Then I looked up above the ocean. There were plenty of stars visible to my eyes. While it was not as many as in country areas, the night sky was clear enough.
During the time I looked in the sky, there was a certain song playing in my head. It was a song from an anime I had watched recently. Anime seems to have good quality songs. While it was playing, I thought about how awesome it would have been to be watching out for shooting stars with friends. However, many of the people I would have wanted to experience this with were not around. Some had left the area for good already, and others were traveling and creating their own experiences. I'd like to travel. There are many places I would like to experience. However, I don't even know where I will be in a month.
Seeing shooting stars always seems to remind me of God's goodness and greatness. After seeing a few, I can't help but think about how He created them for us to enjoy. He gave us promises He won't go back on. Shooting stars also remind me to be thankful. Even with all the city lights trying to drown out the stars, I spotted quite a few within half an hour. It was after the random musing that it occurred to me...I could be using that time to talk to God. It was then that I had some quiet time to reflect. "Arigato, Kami-sama." (Translation: "Thank you, God.") (Maybe I have been watching too much anime...) That's how I ended when I decided to walk home. I am reminded to always be thankful.
A meteor shower is something I want to see with friends. It would be more fun that way. I wonder, "What would it look like if what I was going through was an anime? What would it look like?" Those are weird questions to be asking in general. Maybe I have been spending too much time watching anime recently.
Walked to the Plex. Seems like anyone who would have been interested in going already left. I decided to walk to the trail by Manzanita cliffs. There's probably less light pollution over the ocean. As I walk there, I was reminded of when I went by some cliffs on DP to see a meteor shower my freshmen year of college. I went with a few hall mates. This time, I was going by myself. Since there are no lights along the path, I walked right into the darkness. The path was one I was familiar with. I kept on walking to get farther from the lights of IV.
As I made my way to the benches, I realized there was already people sitting there. I walked back a bit to not interrupt them. Then I looked up above the ocean. There were plenty of stars visible to my eyes. While it was not as many as in country areas, the night sky was clear enough.
During the time I looked in the sky, there was a certain song playing in my head. It was a song from an anime I had watched recently. Anime seems to have good quality songs. While it was playing, I thought about how awesome it would have been to be watching out for shooting stars with friends. However, many of the people I would have wanted to experience this with were not around. Some had left the area for good already, and others were traveling and creating their own experiences. I'd like to travel. There are many places I would like to experience. However, I don't even know where I will be in a month.
Seeing shooting stars always seems to remind me of God's goodness and greatness. After seeing a few, I can't help but think about how He created them for us to enjoy. He gave us promises He won't go back on. Shooting stars also remind me to be thankful. Even with all the city lights trying to drown out the stars, I spotted quite a few within half an hour. It was after the random musing that it occurred to me...I could be using that time to talk to God. It was then that I had some quiet time to reflect. "Arigato, Kami-sama." (Translation: "Thank you, God.") (Maybe I have been watching too much anime...) That's how I ended when I decided to walk home. I am reminded to always be thankful.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Some Late Night Rambling...
I am on blogger at this moment...because I have no idea how to make reading plans in the Bible when it comes to my quiet times. I thought, "Okay, I'm going to have quiet time. Where do I start?" First thing is open up Bible gateway. After staring at it for a bit, I realized I have no idea what I was going to read. I could start with Leviticus 19:18 which was the verse of the day, but I did not know how it could apply with what I was going through today. I decided to read a chapter of Jesus Burgers. As encouraging as it was, it did not lead me to any specific passage. Finally, I decided to see if my friends had any good passages shared on blogger. That's how I ended up here. I read Cody's post about Psalm 86 right before typing this, but it is just at this moment where I realized I should read it first...
Still, even as I read it, my whole heart wasn't put into it. I found myself distracted. I'm wondering where God will take me this summer and after. I'm thinking about my desire to possibly go to Tokyo Summer Project. Where is this desire coming from? And why do I have a country song stuck in my head right now? Okay, that last thought is pointless, but I'm trying to process my thoughts here.
The thing about wanting to go on Summer Project to Japan next year brings up many questions in my head. For example, if I got a job beforehand, how will I take time off that job to do something like that? What are my intentions? Is it because I've recently noticed a lot of people have been going there for missions? Do I want to go just because I want to go to Japan and not necessarily because of a mission mind set? Last time I attempted to go on a project, God closed that door within a couple weeks. How do I know that this desire to go on project in Japan is from God or not? I know there is a need there, and a lot of people there need the hope found in Jesus. This post could have even just gone into my journal, yet I feel like I should share it online.
I feel like I need some guidance right now...
Still, even as I read it, my whole heart wasn't put into it. I found myself distracted. I'm wondering where God will take me this summer and after. I'm thinking about my desire to possibly go to Tokyo Summer Project. Where is this desire coming from? And why do I have a country song stuck in my head right now? Okay, that last thought is pointless, but I'm trying to process my thoughts here.
The thing about wanting to go on Summer Project to Japan next year brings up many questions in my head. For example, if I got a job beforehand, how will I take time off that job to do something like that? What are my intentions? Is it because I've recently noticed a lot of people have been going there for missions? Do I want to go just because I want to go to Japan and not necessarily because of a mission mind set? Last time I attempted to go on a project, God closed that door within a couple weeks. How do I know that this desire to go on project in Japan is from God or not? I know there is a need there, and a lot of people there need the hope found in Jesus. This post could have even just gone into my journal, yet I feel like I should share it online.
I feel like I need some guidance right now...
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Post-Graduation Thoughts
I walked at graduation 6 days ago. The last quarter of relaxing, doing my internship, and being involved with Cru, Epic, and AGO had been good. Spending time with people has also been good. These last few weeks have been an amazing time of hanging out with people who are all going different ways while some are staying in Santa Barbara afterwards. What now? I guess I need to start job searching.
It is surreal not living at the Plex anymore after two years of being there. Yeah, I'm right across the street from it for now, but I will only be at the AGO house for two months. Where am I going after? It depends on if I can get a job or not. I'm definitely going to miss being in that community where I can see so many people in a day. Some people have jobs, some will be interning or stinting for Cru next year, some will be going to grad school...I feel like a lot of people already know what they are doing. I don't yet. I'm trusting God, but I am curious as to where I will end up.
There are definitely people I've taken for granted, and there are those I have been thankful for and am even more thankful for now. God had me here for a reason, and I trust that the work he has done here will continue afterwards. Maybe I will cross paths with the people He has placed in my life in the future. It's hard to remember that we are not college students anymore.
Well, that is all I have for now. Not that motivated to write a lot, so this will be short. Oh yeah, and senior class won BOTA. I am thankful for that.
It is surreal not living at the Plex anymore after two years of being there. Yeah, I'm right across the street from it for now, but I will only be at the AGO house for two months. Where am I going after? It depends on if I can get a job or not. I'm definitely going to miss being in that community where I can see so many people in a day. Some people have jobs, some will be interning or stinting for Cru next year, some will be going to grad school...I feel like a lot of people already know what they are doing. I don't yet. I'm trusting God, but I am curious as to where I will end up.
There are definitely people I've taken for granted, and there are those I have been thankful for and am even more thankful for now. God had me here for a reason, and I trust that the work he has done here will continue afterwards. Maybe I will cross paths with the people He has placed in my life in the future. It's hard to remember that we are not college students anymore.
Well, that is all I have for now. Not that motivated to write a lot, so this will be short. Oh yeah, and senior class won BOTA. I am thankful for that.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Graduated Early!
I graduated early! I finished Winter Quarter of 2013. I just started an internship with TVSB. What now? Well, I will be doing the internship for six months which means I will be in Santa Barbara until at least September. After that, I don't know what I'm doing. If I get offered a job there, I might stay longer. If not, I go depending on where I can find a job. If I can't find any, then I'm going back to NorCal. I'm basically trusting that God will provide wherever I am at.
I have noticed that wherever I am at in life, He has provided me with a lot. In high school, he provided me a community within my youth group and my church. In college, he provided me with Real Life, with Epic, with all of Cru, with brothers in AGO and sisters in ADX, with family in IVC, and even family within other churches in the Santa Barbara area. I know that I will have community wherever I go, and the community of believers I end up living life with will point me towards Christ and His love. I have been blessed by God through the community he provided, and it has been super encouraging growing wherever I am at.
The best moments are those where I get into good conversations with people about how God is working in our lives. While it is kind of sad to see some people leaving, I know God will work in them wherever He takes them. I'm sure God has more for me in Santa Barbara while I do my internship, and I pray that He will guide me in all my interactions here. I pray that I can glorify Him in everything I do. I know people who plan on Stinting next year, people who are getting jobs elsewhere, people who will be interning with Cru and Epic, and I pray that they will continue growing in their love for God. I pray that I can trust Him as much as I say I do.
For now, I should enjoy being in Santa Barbara until September. I should enjoy the three months I have left with many people I've known since freshmen year at UCSB. I should feel blessed that I have been assigned as one of the senior captains for BOTA, and hopefully I will glorify God with the decisions I make and be a good sportsman. As far as I know, this is the first time I'm leading/co-leading anything, and I'm stoked for it.
One thing I am thinking of right now: I say "I don't know" a lot. Is it because I'm actually unsure, or is it because I want to please people? If it is the latter, why is it that I feel the desire to please people? Why do I fear people's reactions? What does not knowing what I should eat have anything to do with pleasing people? So many questions...and I should be going to bed.
Until next time,
Kenneth
I have noticed that wherever I am at in life, He has provided me with a lot. In high school, he provided me a community within my youth group and my church. In college, he provided me with Real Life, with Epic, with all of Cru, with brothers in AGO and sisters in ADX, with family in IVC, and even family within other churches in the Santa Barbara area. I know that I will have community wherever I go, and the community of believers I end up living life with will point me towards Christ and His love. I have been blessed by God through the community he provided, and it has been super encouraging growing wherever I am at.
The best moments are those where I get into good conversations with people about how God is working in our lives. While it is kind of sad to see some people leaving, I know God will work in them wherever He takes them. I'm sure God has more for me in Santa Barbara while I do my internship, and I pray that He will guide me in all my interactions here. I pray that I can glorify Him in everything I do. I know people who plan on Stinting next year, people who are getting jobs elsewhere, people who will be interning with Cru and Epic, and I pray that they will continue growing in their love for God. I pray that I can trust Him as much as I say I do.
For now, I should enjoy being in Santa Barbara until September. I should enjoy the three months I have left with many people I've known since freshmen year at UCSB. I should feel blessed that I have been assigned as one of the senior captains for BOTA, and hopefully I will glorify God with the decisions I make and be a good sportsman. As far as I know, this is the first time I'm leading/co-leading anything, and I'm stoked for it.
One thing I am thinking of right now: I say "I don't know" a lot. Is it because I'm actually unsure, or is it because I want to please people? If it is the latter, why is it that I feel the desire to please people? Why do I fear people's reactions? What does not knowing what I should eat have anything to do with pleasing people? So many questions...and I should be going to bed.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I'm Graduating Soon!!!
Happy Valentines Day!
It's the sixth week of Winter Quarter. I have four more weeks until finals. I'm graduating a quarter early. I am planning on going on Project Reclaim for spring break...if I had a spring break. Still need to raise support for that. Besides that, what is next?
I've started looking at jobs. I've applied for four internships, one of which is already full. I've been too lazy to write cover letters to apply to more. Why? Because...I don't have a real interest in them or I don't have some of the skills or equipment they require. I'm also just not ready to be done with the student life. Not to mention, I only decided to graduate early over Winter Break. Not much time to figure out anything right?
I want to eventually work with Warner Bros. Animation...not as an animator. I'm terrible at drawing. However, I want to be involved in that industry somehow. I've applied for a couple internships there. The problem with working there starting April is that I am living in SB until June. Commuting there and back will be a lot of hours and gas. If the internship I get there ends up being not paid, I have no way of paying all that gas money without borrowing money from parents. I would also need to figure out how to pay for food. I'm more than likely going to have to find something local.
Yeah, I'm looking for a job to honor my parents and to be able to support myself since I'm no longer going to be supported by them. I've had thoughts about interning with Cru or with Epic, but something is stopping me from really pursuing those paths. If I want to intern with them, I would want to intern at SB. Stinting would be cool too. I heard that there is a need for interns in Tokyo. I guess with those paths, I fear what my parents think. Now, it wouldn't make sense to fear that they would stop supporting me financially since they are already doing that after I graduate. I guess I struggle with the thought of my parents being angry or disappointed with me. I may also fear that I can't raise enough support, especially since I am having trouble doing that for Spring Reclaim. I also wouldn't be able to go on Reclaim if I can't find a job because my parents refuse to send my passport to me until I get a job...Finally, there is also the question, "What if I want to intern/stint for selfish reasons?" How do I know my heart is in the right place for that?
Christina Marshall talked at Epic about surrendering things to God in order to grow. If I want to intern or stint, there is going to be a lot of things I need to surrender to God. I'd have to be able to give up what my parents think of me. I have to give up fear that I won't be provided financially. I have to know why I want to intern or stint. I may even have to surrender my own plans and goals. I would also have to give up going on Reclaim for Spring because I obviously won't be able to get my passport...unless God provides a way out and I am somehow able to get it. I still need to trust God with a lot.
I have thought a lot about what I am doing after I'm done with school. I just haven't done much to pursue anything. So much to think about...Pray that I can get all these figured out.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It's the sixth week of Winter Quarter. I have four more weeks until finals. I'm graduating a quarter early. I am planning on going on Project Reclaim for spring break...if I had a spring break. Still need to raise support for that. Besides that, what is next?
I've started looking at jobs. I've applied for four internships, one of which is already full. I've been too lazy to write cover letters to apply to more. Why? Because...I don't have a real interest in them or I don't have some of the skills or equipment they require. I'm also just not ready to be done with the student life. Not to mention, I only decided to graduate early over Winter Break. Not much time to figure out anything right?
I want to eventually work with Warner Bros. Animation...not as an animator. I'm terrible at drawing. However, I want to be involved in that industry somehow. I've applied for a couple internships there. The problem with working there starting April is that I am living in SB until June. Commuting there and back will be a lot of hours and gas. If the internship I get there ends up being not paid, I have no way of paying all that gas money without borrowing money from parents. I would also need to figure out how to pay for food. I'm more than likely going to have to find something local.
Yeah, I'm looking for a job to honor my parents and to be able to support myself since I'm no longer going to be supported by them. I've had thoughts about interning with Cru or with Epic, but something is stopping me from really pursuing those paths. If I want to intern with them, I would want to intern at SB. Stinting would be cool too. I heard that there is a need for interns in Tokyo. I guess with those paths, I fear what my parents think. Now, it wouldn't make sense to fear that they would stop supporting me financially since they are already doing that after I graduate. I guess I struggle with the thought of my parents being angry or disappointed with me. I may also fear that I can't raise enough support, especially since I am having trouble doing that for Spring Reclaim. I also wouldn't be able to go on Reclaim if I can't find a job because my parents refuse to send my passport to me until I get a job...Finally, there is also the question, "What if I want to intern/stint for selfish reasons?" How do I know my heart is in the right place for that?
Christina Marshall talked at Epic about surrendering things to God in order to grow. If I want to intern or stint, there is going to be a lot of things I need to surrender to God. I'd have to be able to give up what my parents think of me. I have to give up fear that I won't be provided financially. I have to know why I want to intern or stint. I may even have to surrender my own plans and goals. I would also have to give up going on Reclaim for Spring because I obviously won't be able to get my passport...unless God provides a way out and I am somehow able to get it. I still need to trust God with a lot.
I have thought a lot about what I am doing after I'm done with school. I just haven't done much to pursue anything. So much to think about...Pray that I can get all these figured out.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Late Night Rambling
It's late at night. I'm sitting on the futon in the game room on the third floor of my house. I've been using it as a bed for this Winter Break. There's not much privacy here since anyone could basically walk by and see me. As a result, I can't really write in my journal or read late at night. My mom would get mad if she notices I'm awake past 12, and I can't do much except use my laptop when the lights are off...
Lately I've come to realize that writing in a journal can be super useful. I could write stuff I would not want to share on the Internet. I haven't really gotten into that yet, but I felt like starting. I haven't been able to at home since I don't really have privacy here and can't have lights on when I do have time to. Hence, I'm writing about this experience on a blog...
Having conversations with a friend the last couple weeks before Winter Break helped me realize that there were still a lot of hurts I don't think about. He encouraged me to journal them as it helped him see his stuff and how he has been affected. That might be why I've had this desire to journal lately. Sure, there are things I've thought about, but it has only been lately where I realized those thoughts have been affected by past experiences. It's stuff I would like to journal about, and it's stuff I feel like I'm not ready to share with the world through a blog until I feel like it's something that doesn't bother me anymore.
There are a lot of stuff I would like to give up to God. I wonder if I have given up those things to him yet or not. Have I? I tell myself I have, but there is still some uncertainty of whether I have or not.
There's a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head now. I also hear my brother laughing a lot in what was my room. He has my room now because he and his girlfriend, soon to be wife, need privacy. I've gotten to know her better this last week. However, I still feel like they are rushing things. This post could be considered stream-of-consciousness in a way, but it is not. Why? Because I'm still being somewhat selective about what's showing up here and what isn't. I'm also doing some editing while writing, and I had to Google "Ulysses" to remember the term "stream-of-consciousness". I'm sure I will get used to the girl my brother is going to marry. It's still kind of awkward for me having her around...Maybe that's something I should journal more about instead of writing in a blog...
I need to figure out what kind of internship I could do in the Santa Barbara area for the next two quarters, or at least for Spring quarter. As far as I know, the ones I could get through the Carsey-Wolf Center have requirements I haven't fulfilled and am too late to do so, and the one for TVSB requires too many hours for me to do. I might be graduating early...if I can get an internship with an anthropology professor for 2 units this quarter. Hence, I would need a media-type internship for spring and possibly going on to summer. I also need a job after college...
I would like to go on a Spring break project. Maybe to project reclaim. I would have to discuss with my parents first...pray for that.
This will probably be another short post. I pray that God will guide me in the decisions I make, that He will reveal more things.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Lately I've come to realize that writing in a journal can be super useful. I could write stuff I would not want to share on the Internet. I haven't really gotten into that yet, but I felt like starting. I haven't been able to at home since I don't really have privacy here and can't have lights on when I do have time to. Hence, I'm writing about this experience on a blog...
Having conversations with a friend the last couple weeks before Winter Break helped me realize that there were still a lot of hurts I don't think about. He encouraged me to journal them as it helped him see his stuff and how he has been affected. That might be why I've had this desire to journal lately. Sure, there are things I've thought about, but it has only been lately where I realized those thoughts have been affected by past experiences. It's stuff I would like to journal about, and it's stuff I feel like I'm not ready to share with the world through a blog until I feel like it's something that doesn't bother me anymore.
There are a lot of stuff I would like to give up to God. I wonder if I have given up those things to him yet or not. Have I? I tell myself I have, but there is still some uncertainty of whether I have or not.
There's a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head now. I also hear my brother laughing a lot in what was my room. He has my room now because he and his girlfriend, soon to be wife, need privacy. I've gotten to know her better this last week. However, I still feel like they are rushing things. This post could be considered stream-of-consciousness in a way, but it is not. Why? Because I'm still being somewhat selective about what's showing up here and what isn't. I'm also doing some editing while writing, and I had to Google "Ulysses" to remember the term "stream-of-consciousness". I'm sure I will get used to the girl my brother is going to marry. It's still kind of awkward for me having her around...Maybe that's something I should journal more about instead of writing in a blog...
I need to figure out what kind of internship I could do in the Santa Barbara area for the next two quarters, or at least for Spring quarter. As far as I know, the ones I could get through the Carsey-Wolf Center have requirements I haven't fulfilled and am too late to do so, and the one for TVSB requires too many hours for me to do. I might be graduating early...if I can get an internship with an anthropology professor for 2 units this quarter. Hence, I would need a media-type internship for spring and possibly going on to summer. I also need a job after college...
I would like to go on a Spring break project. Maybe to project reclaim. I would have to discuss with my parents first...pray for that.
This will probably be another short post. I pray that God will guide me in the decisions I make, that He will reveal more things.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, December 16, 2012
My last fall quarter is over. I'm sitting in my dark living room thinking about many things that have been going through my mind. I haven't written here in a while. I haven't been journaling as consistently as I wanted to either. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I started trying to journal (and not being consistent with that either). Headphones broke, so I'm stuck in my living room to listen to music since my roommate is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder...
Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?
I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.
Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?
...
A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.
I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.
I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Do I shove my mental scars deep in the recesses of my mind? Am I trying to avoid pain caused in the past? Have I actually dealt with them, or have I been lying to myself all this time?
I tell myself that I've moved on, that I've forgiven those who have hurt me in the past, that I'm moving forward. My reasoning has been that I'm able to talk about those past hurts to others. It makes me wonder if...if those scars affect the decisions I make now. Have I learned from them, or have I just put them aside, allowing them to affect the way I think more.
Have my insecurities gone? Or are they still around, affecting what I say and how I think?
...
A day or two later and I haven't posted this yet. Partly because I fell asleep while writing it. I don't want to lie by posting the first paragraph while in a different setting, but I don't want to have to delete it either.
I think some insecurities may still be affecting me now. Some I try to put in the recesses of my mind, basically like storing things in an attic and not wanting to see those things again. I guess I come up with other excuses for when I do not act because of fear of the past. Those hurts may also be why I sometimes hold back some of my thoughts or other things about me. If those hurts are from so long ago, why would they still affect me now? How do I give it all up to God? I tell myself I have, but if it still affects my decisions in life now, it makes me wonder if I actually did.
I either tell myself I have already moved on or that I will move on. Have I? Well...seems like I'm falling asleep again. I guess I'll keep this post short. These are just some of my thoughts lately.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I was going to write about community and identity. To be honest, I was going to do so because I keep hearing about how important community is in growing with Christ and how your identity is in Him. However, I would just be rehashing what other people say and not really writing out my own thoughts. As a result, it would have felt a little forced. What am I going to write about? Maybe I will try freewriting and see where it ends up. But then it won't be truly freewrite since I know I will end up editing whatever I write. I have a tendency to do that partly because there are things I don't really want to share online and sometimes random nonsensical thoughts may pop up. Maybe I will talk about weddings! That's because I just attended two this summer so far and will be attending one today.
It has been great seeing my friends get married. From the ones I went to this summer, they both have been centered on Christ. That is different from what I have been used to going to weddings of family members. In the past, I've only been to a few weddings and out of the ones I remember, it has just been focused on the couple. From the two I've been to this summer and the first ones outside my family, it's interesting how they show they want Jesus to be the center of it. I don't remember ever seeing a couple marrying taking communion on the day of the marriage before this summer. Both couples asked for the Biblical definition of love to be read. 1 Corinthians 13...love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud...I'm not quoting it exactly since I'm just writing what I remember off the top of my head. Marriage should have a relationship reflecting Jesus' relationship with the church. Jesus is the groom and the church is the bride.
Ephesians 5:21-33 does a good job explaining it. Jesus as the husband is the head of the church which is the bride. It means we all submit to Christ just as the wife submits to the husband. In the same way, husbands should love their wives just as Christ did for the church. By giving Himself up for us, Jesus made us holy and clean. We are made perfect in Christ. In the same way, husbands should be willing to make sacrifices for their wives. It's definitely not a one-way thing where the wife submits to the husband who does nothing. The husband has to love his wife and to care for her just as Christ loves and cares for the church. I am also sure there are times where wives don't necessarily submit to husbands (like if what the husband tells the wife to do goes against what Jesus says). I also think there are times where husbands should listen to their wives about stuff.
I think the relationship between Pastor Jason and his wife Holly is a good example of what marriage should be. They talk about everything, they are raising four children together, and they are basically in each others' lives. In Ephesians 5:31, it basically says man leaves his parents to be with his wife, and the two become one. Granted, Jason has stated that there are times where they fight, but we as humans are prone to mess up. It is understandable if we do mess up. The point is that they as one work together to build each other up and to raise a great family. They are good role models.
Nowadays people have very high expectations of marriage just being about "love" between two people that a lot of divorces are occurring because marriage is not meeting up to people's expectations. Instead of both parties trying to fix their marriages by making sacrifices, people would separate because they want things to go their way. Some real life examples I could think of stem from this type of thinking. They want fulfillment in all their expectations, and when it does not work out the way they want it, they leave. The western world has become one of selfishness, where people go to religion for "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism". People do things if it feels good and it goes with their agendas. A lot of people are not willing to make sacrifices nowadays.
I know that I myself have high expectations sometimes. My high expectations include not dating until I feel like God is making it obvious that the girl is the one I will marry in the future. I don't plan on having my first kiss until the day of my marriage. However, I should not have such expectations for my future wife. In no way do I mean that I should have low expectations of my future wife, but I mean that I should accept her the way she is and with whatever flaws she may have. Christ died for all of us even though we had so many flaws.
Just as Christ loves us unconditionally, I should learn to love in the same way. I need to be willing to make sacrifices and to have relationships centered on Christ. While marriage is uniting two people, it also enables them to keep accountable of each other and to help each other grow in Christ. Marriage should still be centered on Jesus. If it was centered on the self, it would just lead to separation. I am anticipating the day I get married and when I start my own family. For now, I still have some growing to do. I will also be celebrating the marriage of my friends.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It has been great seeing my friends get married. From the ones I went to this summer, they both have been centered on Christ. That is different from what I have been used to going to weddings of family members. In the past, I've only been to a few weddings and out of the ones I remember, it has just been focused on the couple. From the two I've been to this summer and the first ones outside my family, it's interesting how they show they want Jesus to be the center of it. I don't remember ever seeing a couple marrying taking communion on the day of the marriage before this summer. Both couples asked for the Biblical definition of love to be read. 1 Corinthians 13...love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud...I'm not quoting it exactly since I'm just writing what I remember off the top of my head. Marriage should have a relationship reflecting Jesus' relationship with the church. Jesus is the groom and the church is the bride.
Ephesians 5:21-33 does a good job explaining it. Jesus as the husband is the head of the church which is the bride. It means we all submit to Christ just as the wife submits to the husband. In the same way, husbands should love their wives just as Christ did for the church. By giving Himself up for us, Jesus made us holy and clean. We are made perfect in Christ. In the same way, husbands should be willing to make sacrifices for their wives. It's definitely not a one-way thing where the wife submits to the husband who does nothing. The husband has to love his wife and to care for her just as Christ loves and cares for the church. I am also sure there are times where wives don't necessarily submit to husbands (like if what the husband tells the wife to do goes against what Jesus says). I also think there are times where husbands should listen to their wives about stuff.
I think the relationship between Pastor Jason and his wife Holly is a good example of what marriage should be. They talk about everything, they are raising four children together, and they are basically in each others' lives. In Ephesians 5:31, it basically says man leaves his parents to be with his wife, and the two become one. Granted, Jason has stated that there are times where they fight, but we as humans are prone to mess up. It is understandable if we do mess up. The point is that they as one work together to build each other up and to raise a great family. They are good role models.
Nowadays people have very high expectations of marriage just being about "love" between two people that a lot of divorces are occurring because marriage is not meeting up to people's expectations. Instead of both parties trying to fix their marriages by making sacrifices, people would separate because they want things to go their way. Some real life examples I could think of stem from this type of thinking. They want fulfillment in all their expectations, and when it does not work out the way they want it, they leave. The western world has become one of selfishness, where people go to religion for "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism". People do things if it feels good and it goes with their agendas. A lot of people are not willing to make sacrifices nowadays.
I know that I myself have high expectations sometimes. My high expectations include not dating until I feel like God is making it obvious that the girl is the one I will marry in the future. I don't plan on having my first kiss until the day of my marriage. However, I should not have such expectations for my future wife. In no way do I mean that I should have low expectations of my future wife, but I mean that I should accept her the way she is and with whatever flaws she may have. Christ died for all of us even though we had so many flaws.
Just as Christ loves us unconditionally, I should learn to love in the same way. I need to be willing to make sacrifices and to have relationships centered on Christ. While marriage is uniting two people, it also enables them to keep accountable of each other and to help each other grow in Christ. Marriage should still be centered on Jesus. If it was centered on the self, it would just lead to separation. I am anticipating the day I get married and when I start my own family. For now, I still have some growing to do. I will also be celebrating the marriage of my friends.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Third Year of College: DONE!!!
Wow. Can't believe my third year of college just finished. I only have a year left. Actually, if I was not planning on minoring, I could just graduate after fall quarter. Of course, that would mean my parents would want me to move back home early. I definitely don't know what I am doing after college yet. That is why I decided to get a minor and stay for the whole year.
Anyways, it has been an interesting year. There has been a lot of growth (which I have not noticed much, but am told about). I definitely have not been as focused on spiritual gifts this year, but it has also been more of a year of learning what it means to be part of community, to help each other grow in our spiritual lives. There's also been more of an emphasis on being a leader, not necessarily with a title, but at least in example. I have always been just fine with following. However, as a man of God, I will eventually have to lead, whether that is finding someone to disciple or leading my own family when I have one.
It has been a blessing being discipled by Brian this year. While sometimes it was hard to meet at the time we set, we were still able to meet up almost every week. I've learned to be more vulnerable through it, and it has been a time where I learned what a discipleship relationship should be like. It has also been a time of asking questions, of sharing weaknesses, and of living life together.
I have also had to manage my time better this year. More things seemed to conflict this year. In order to make more time to be involved in many things, I had to finish my readings a week early. I've also accepted that not everyone can make it to everything, and that there are people who just don't feel like they belong in the same things I feel that I belong in. Nonetheless, it does not mean I should ignore them.
It has definitely been challenging always being reminded that God has his own timing for everything. He's revealed that I can be judgmental at times and that I stereotype sometimes as well. Getting to know people better here than I did in high school is one of those things. For example, in high school I did not really talk to my friend Nikki. However, after coming to college, I've gotten to know her more as well as her now husband. It has been a blessing getting to know them well enough to be invited to their wedding.While I kind of wish I got to know more of my classmates in high school, it is kind of too late for that now.
Pledging for AGO this quarter has also been a learning experience. First of all, it reminded me to continue trusting in God's timing and not my own. There must have been a reason for me to have waited so long before I became active. Pledging with my pledge bros allowed me to be more encouraging to them. Again, when we went through hard times, we had to remember that we do all things to glorify God. I've grown in confidence. I'm still learning what "biblical masculinity" is. Most of all, I am reminded that there is always room to grow, You can never be done growing.
These are just some of the things I've learned this year. I can't wait to see what God does next year during my last year as an undergraduate student. Dear reader, I pray that you are also growing, learning each day, and taking things as they come. I pray that you notice all God has for you and all he does for you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Anyways, it has been an interesting year. There has been a lot of growth (which I have not noticed much, but am told about). I definitely have not been as focused on spiritual gifts this year, but it has also been more of a year of learning what it means to be part of community, to help each other grow in our spiritual lives. There's also been more of an emphasis on being a leader, not necessarily with a title, but at least in example. I have always been just fine with following. However, as a man of God, I will eventually have to lead, whether that is finding someone to disciple or leading my own family when I have one.
It has been a blessing being discipled by Brian this year. While sometimes it was hard to meet at the time we set, we were still able to meet up almost every week. I've learned to be more vulnerable through it, and it has been a time where I learned what a discipleship relationship should be like. It has also been a time of asking questions, of sharing weaknesses, and of living life together.
I have also had to manage my time better this year. More things seemed to conflict this year. In order to make more time to be involved in many things, I had to finish my readings a week early. I've also accepted that not everyone can make it to everything, and that there are people who just don't feel like they belong in the same things I feel that I belong in. Nonetheless, it does not mean I should ignore them.
It has definitely been challenging always being reminded that God has his own timing for everything. He's revealed that I can be judgmental at times and that I stereotype sometimes as well. Getting to know people better here than I did in high school is one of those things. For example, in high school I did not really talk to my friend Nikki. However, after coming to college, I've gotten to know her more as well as her now husband. It has been a blessing getting to know them well enough to be invited to their wedding.While I kind of wish I got to know more of my classmates in high school, it is kind of too late for that now.
Pledging for AGO this quarter has also been a learning experience. First of all, it reminded me to continue trusting in God's timing and not my own. There must have been a reason for me to have waited so long before I became active. Pledging with my pledge bros allowed me to be more encouraging to them. Again, when we went through hard times, we had to remember that we do all things to glorify God. I've grown in confidence. I'm still learning what "biblical masculinity" is. Most of all, I am reminded that there is always room to grow, You can never be done growing.
These are just some of the things I've learned this year. I can't wait to see what God does next year during my last year as an undergraduate student. Dear reader, I pray that you are also growing, learning each day, and taking things as they come. I pray that you notice all God has for you and all he does for you.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Post-Finals Almost Stream of Consciousness
Finals are done. I'm sitting here in the UCen in the middle of the night while other people are studying. Why? Because I think it would be fun to take advantage of the fact that I can stay here this late during finals week.
I just read the first two chapters of Nehemiah. I decided I am going to read through Nehemiah because my discipler Brian said I should before I read Excellence in Leadership. The first two chapters of Nehemiah have been interesting so far. The first chapter deals with Nehemiah hearing about Jerusalem's walls being burnt down, and the second chapter is about him trusting God in allowing him to go back and fix the city with the king's blessings. It was definitely interesting to see how Nehemiah prayed before talking to the king about it. Even though he faced sadness over Jerusalem's fall, he continued to praise God. He asked God for favors, confessed his failings as well as his people's, and he asked for success in having the king bring him back. Even when people were in disbelief, he still trusted God in bringing success. I want to have that kind of faith in everything I do, whether that is in school or in my daily life.
I'll be honest, this post will probably talk about a bunch of unrelated stuff. It's just going to be one of those posts where I don't want to be too organized. While it isn't completely "stream of consciousness", it will still try to come close to that and give more of a glimpse to my thought process. I don't think I can type out all my thoughts and in the order I think. I worry about how I present my writing. It will also show how all over the place I am sometimes...especially when it's super late.
Anyways, I am listening to a song right now by Chase Coy. It is called "Summer's Song". It is set when the summer coming to a close. Ironically summer is just beginning for me. This song reminds me of the summer before my first year at UCSB. That's because that was when I was first introduced to his music. A lot of his music is acoustic. They are pretty relaxing...and soft. A lot of love songs...why am I listening to that kind of music? Because I decided to listen to old music on my hard-drive. I'm going down authors in ABC order and decided to skip Backstreet Boys (and anything else I don't feel like listening). Well then you would ask why I am listening to Chase Coy. I haven't listened to his music in a while...and it's good.
Now I'm listening to Hillsong because it is under my Christian music folder. The song "The Time Has Come" begins really well. "Today, today it's all or nothing..." Am I living my all for God? Listening to Hillsong reminds me of how I used to really love worship...how I used to get so into it. I'm not saying that I'm no longer passionate about worship. I still love it. I am just noticing that now I'm fine if I miss worship sometimes whereas I would never skip worship during a service back in high school. Nevertheless, I am pretty stoked for this summer. I will be a part of two worship sets for Summer Cru. I need to learn to harmonize. Still, I think it will be an awesome being a part of the worship team and helping lead others into worship.
I really want to write a post reflecting on my third year of college. However, I feel like that deserves its own post instead of being a part of this semi-"stream of consciousness" post. Maybe I can give small glimpses of what I'm thinking about writing for it? Well, I am always being reminded of how broken I am without God. We are made perfect in Him. It's crazy to think about ourselves as just a speck...actually smaller than a speck...compared to the universe. Yet, God still cares about us.
Okay, sorry to interrupt that, but I wanted to say that I am quite enjoying listening to old worship music. It is also helping me stay awake to be able to write this. You might ask, "Why are you even staying up this late in the UCen when you are done with finals?" A lot of people have asked that already. Well, as I stated earlier, I want to take advantage of being able to stay here so late. (Oh, random note, I am listening to "Next Thing You Know" by Matthew West...the first Christian song I remember hearing on KLove in 8th grade) I guess another reason I want to stay here is because I want to walk a friend home after she finishes her paper...probably not a very good reason. Meh, not all my decisions or reasons for doing things make sense.
Dang, these old Christian songs are reminding me of junior high and high school...of my youth group. Back before I first began coming to UCSB, I thought I would at least go home every summer and help out at my youth group. God's completely changed that plan of mine. Last summer I stayed in UCSB. This summer I am doing the same. It's crazy to see how much God has changed my heart. Sometimes I do miss when I was younger and a part of my youth group...being able to hang out with some of my friends who have moved on in college. I'm happy for Anthony who is now going to teach at Valley Christian. I am excited for Anton who now lives in Hollywood doing what he loves. God has definitely placed them in places where they belong and are called to. I'm sure God will do the same with me when the time comes. I still don't know what that will be.
Well, I feel like this post has been a little more authentic with who I am. However, it is definitely getting long. I should stop here and move on to the end of the year post.
Until next time (the next post I am about to do and may or may not finish by today =P),
Kenneth
I just read the first two chapters of Nehemiah. I decided I am going to read through Nehemiah because my discipler Brian said I should before I read Excellence in Leadership. The first two chapters of Nehemiah have been interesting so far. The first chapter deals with Nehemiah hearing about Jerusalem's walls being burnt down, and the second chapter is about him trusting God in allowing him to go back and fix the city with the king's blessings. It was definitely interesting to see how Nehemiah prayed before talking to the king about it. Even though he faced sadness over Jerusalem's fall, he continued to praise God. He asked God for favors, confessed his failings as well as his people's, and he asked for success in having the king bring him back. Even when people were in disbelief, he still trusted God in bringing success. I want to have that kind of faith in everything I do, whether that is in school or in my daily life.
I'll be honest, this post will probably talk about a bunch of unrelated stuff. It's just going to be one of those posts where I don't want to be too organized. While it isn't completely "stream of consciousness", it will still try to come close to that and give more of a glimpse to my thought process. I don't think I can type out all my thoughts and in the order I think. I worry about how I present my writing. It will also show how all over the place I am sometimes...especially when it's super late.
Anyways, I am listening to a song right now by Chase Coy. It is called "Summer's Song". It is set when the summer coming to a close. Ironically summer is just beginning for me. This song reminds me of the summer before my first year at UCSB. That's because that was when I was first introduced to his music. A lot of his music is acoustic. They are pretty relaxing...and soft. A lot of love songs...why am I listening to that kind of music? Because I decided to listen to old music on my hard-drive. I'm going down authors in ABC order and decided to skip Backstreet Boys (and anything else I don't feel like listening). Well then you would ask why I am listening to Chase Coy. I haven't listened to his music in a while...and it's good.
Now I'm listening to Hillsong because it is under my Christian music folder. The song "The Time Has Come" begins really well. "Today, today it's all or nothing..." Am I living my all for God? Listening to Hillsong reminds me of how I used to really love worship...how I used to get so into it. I'm not saying that I'm no longer passionate about worship. I still love it. I am just noticing that now I'm fine if I miss worship sometimes whereas I would never skip worship during a service back in high school. Nevertheless, I am pretty stoked for this summer. I will be a part of two worship sets for Summer Cru. I need to learn to harmonize. Still, I think it will be an awesome being a part of the worship team and helping lead others into worship.
I really want to write a post reflecting on my third year of college. However, I feel like that deserves its own post instead of being a part of this semi-"stream of consciousness" post. Maybe I can give small glimpses of what I'm thinking about writing for it? Well, I am always being reminded of how broken I am without God. We are made perfect in Him. It's crazy to think about ourselves as just a speck...actually smaller than a speck...compared to the universe. Yet, God still cares about us.
Okay, sorry to interrupt that, but I wanted to say that I am quite enjoying listening to old worship music. It is also helping me stay awake to be able to write this. You might ask, "Why are you even staying up this late in the UCen when you are done with finals?" A lot of people have asked that already. Well, as I stated earlier, I want to take advantage of being able to stay here so late. (Oh, random note, I am listening to "Next Thing You Know" by Matthew West...the first Christian song I remember hearing on KLove in 8th grade) I guess another reason I want to stay here is because I want to walk a friend home after she finishes her paper...probably not a very good reason. Meh, not all my decisions or reasons for doing things make sense.
Dang, these old Christian songs are reminding me of junior high and high school...of my youth group. Back before I first began coming to UCSB, I thought I would at least go home every summer and help out at my youth group. God's completely changed that plan of mine. Last summer I stayed in UCSB. This summer I am doing the same. It's crazy to see how much God has changed my heart. Sometimes I do miss when I was younger and a part of my youth group...being able to hang out with some of my friends who have moved on in college. I'm happy for Anthony who is now going to teach at Valley Christian. I am excited for Anton who now lives in Hollywood doing what he loves. God has definitely placed them in places where they belong and are called to. I'm sure God will do the same with me when the time comes. I still don't know what that will be.
Well, I feel like this post has been a little more authentic with who I am. However, it is definitely getting long. I should stop here and move on to the end of the year post.
Until next time (the next post I am about to do and may or may not finish by today =P),
Kenneth
Saturday, May 19, 2012
What does it mean to be a husband/father?
I am pretty old, but I am still young. Old enough where I could get married, but young enough that I don't feel the need to be married. Yet, I have a strange desire to want to be a father and to be a good husband as well. At the same time, I know that I am not at a point where I am ready to be in such a position.
It is quite funny to think about. If I have the desire to one day get married and have kids, I probably will. On the other hand, I don't feel equipped. Yet for some reason, I keep hearing or reading messages about what it means to be a loving husband or father centered around Christ. Why have I been exposed to learning what it means to be a great father or husband? I don't know. Maybe God is preparing me for the day I become a husband, for the day I become a father. What I do know is that when I do become those, I want my love for Christ to be the center of how I lead a family. I want to be able to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Read the end of Ephesians 5 and 6:4. That is the kind of husband or father I want to be. It does not mean I have to be controlling. I need to allow my family to be free to make their own decisions as well when the time comes.
A couple weekends ago, Jake Hamilton of Jesus Culture and Bethel spoke at IVC. He spoke quite a bit of what it means to be a father, to be a husband. He talked about how much he loved his daughter that it was hard for him to imagine how God loves her even more than he ever could. I know that I will not understand that until the day I have a child and I hold him/her in my own arms. It's so gnarly attempting to think of how much God loves me, and I wonder if I've fully taken into my heart that I will forever be a son or a child. I at least know it with head knowledge, but it's crazy for me to wonder whether I have accepted that in my heart as well.
As much as I appreciate my dad, thinking about all he does for me makes me realize I do not appreciate him enough. I feel like I take him for granted now instead of loving him as much as I did when I was still a child who has never experienced school. He works hard to be able to support the whole family, to be able to send my brothers and I to school, and he (along with my mom) actually pays for my whole tuition, rent, and other fees. When he makes business trips down to Thousand Oaks, he'll make the hour drive up to Santa Barbara to have dinner with me, then drive down an hour again. He tries to sacrifice time for me, but I don't feel like I appreciate him as much as I should. Thinking in this way, I realize that God, my heavenly Father, did much more for me. If I am not appreciating what my dad does enough, I'm probably not appreciating God as much as I should. That is a crazy realization.
I want to be able to spend as much time with my family in the future as possible. I want to be there for my kids or for my wife. Yet I know I will have to work to provide. However, I know I can't do it on my own. In the end, I need to remind myself that it is God who provides everything.
During the conference, Jake also talked about how men should love their wives and that work or ministry should not take priority. He talked about how there are so many broken homes and divorces because men put more effort into their work or that they are controlling with their wives and not giving them enough freedom. It inspired me to want to work on my marriage in the future.
Around ten days ago I read a blog post from a high school classmate I had not talked to since graduating. Yes, that sounds kind of creepy, but I've been noticing how interesting they seemed to be when I see them on my Facebook news feed. Anyways, her post talked about how awesome her father is. What stuck out most to me was how strong her dad was in prayer. From the post, he seems like a great example of how a father should be. He prays over his daughter by her bed when she is (supposedly) asleep. I want to be able to do that when I am a father in the future. Obviously I can't be him or anyone else. I will be myself when I am a father. However, that does not mean I can't follow an example.
Anyways, there's probably more I could say on this subject. However, I am just going to post it as is since I did write most of this a week and a half ago but left it before deciding to finish it tonight.
Until next time,
Kenneth
It is quite funny to think about. If I have the desire to one day get married and have kids, I probably will. On the other hand, I don't feel equipped. Yet for some reason, I keep hearing or reading messages about what it means to be a loving husband or father centered around Christ. Why have I been exposed to learning what it means to be a great father or husband? I don't know. Maybe God is preparing me for the day I become a husband, for the day I become a father. What I do know is that when I do become those, I want my love for Christ to be the center of how I lead a family. I want to be able to love my wife just as Christ loved the church. Read the end of Ephesians 5 and 6:4. That is the kind of husband or father I want to be. It does not mean I have to be controlling. I need to allow my family to be free to make their own decisions as well when the time comes.
A couple weekends ago, Jake Hamilton of Jesus Culture and Bethel spoke at IVC. He spoke quite a bit of what it means to be a father, to be a husband. He talked about how much he loved his daughter that it was hard for him to imagine how God loves her even more than he ever could. I know that I will not understand that until the day I have a child and I hold him/her in my own arms. It's so gnarly attempting to think of how much God loves me, and I wonder if I've fully taken into my heart that I will forever be a son or a child. I at least know it with head knowledge, but it's crazy for me to wonder whether I have accepted that in my heart as well.
As much as I appreciate my dad, thinking about all he does for me makes me realize I do not appreciate him enough. I feel like I take him for granted now instead of loving him as much as I did when I was still a child who has never experienced school. He works hard to be able to support the whole family, to be able to send my brothers and I to school, and he (along with my mom) actually pays for my whole tuition, rent, and other fees. When he makes business trips down to Thousand Oaks, he'll make the hour drive up to Santa Barbara to have dinner with me, then drive down an hour again. He tries to sacrifice time for me, but I don't feel like I appreciate him as much as I should. Thinking in this way, I realize that God, my heavenly Father, did much more for me. If I am not appreciating what my dad does enough, I'm probably not appreciating God as much as I should. That is a crazy realization.
I want to be able to spend as much time with my family in the future as possible. I want to be there for my kids or for my wife. Yet I know I will have to work to provide. However, I know I can't do it on my own. In the end, I need to remind myself that it is God who provides everything.
During the conference, Jake also talked about how men should love their wives and that work or ministry should not take priority. He talked about how there are so many broken homes and divorces because men put more effort into their work or that they are controlling with their wives and not giving them enough freedom. It inspired me to want to work on my marriage in the future.
Around ten days ago I read a blog post from a high school classmate I had not talked to since graduating. Yes, that sounds kind of creepy, but I've been noticing how interesting they seemed to be when I see them on my Facebook news feed. Anyways, her post talked about how awesome her father is. What stuck out most to me was how strong her dad was in prayer. From the post, he seems like a great example of how a father should be. He prays over his daughter by her bed when she is (supposedly) asleep. I want to be able to do that when I am a father in the future. Obviously I can't be him or anyone else. I will be myself when I am a father. However, that does not mean I can't follow an example.
Anyways, there's probably more I could say on this subject. However, I am just going to post it as is since I did write most of this a week and a half ago but left it before deciding to finish it tonight.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
What's Your Story?
A couple weeks ago, Cru did an outreach in UCSB called "What's Your Story?" This involved people writing "3 minute testimonies" and having them posted on a website, a video of cardboard testimonies, and going out asking questions about stories and how people fit into an overarching story. I wrote mine and made sure it was about three minutes when I read it out loud. It will have to do for now, but I feel like it could have been better. First, I wrote that in the middle of the night before Epic Retreat so I could submit it on time. Second, I just followed a given format from a sheet that asked specific questions. I decided to just answer those questions. However, in order to keep it about three minutes while answering the questions, I felt like I left out a lot of details.
While I did mention that I tried to find identity in how others thought of me, I forgot to mention that I also tried finding my identity in doing well in school and being the smart kid in the family. There's a lot more to my testimony, but right now I feel that maybe it is best saved for whenever someone really wants to talk to me about it. It's just more personal that way.
I will end this as my shortest blog post.
Until next time,
Kenneth
While I did mention that I tried to find identity in how others thought of me, I forgot to mention that I also tried finding my identity in doing well in school and being the smart kid in the family. There's a lot more to my testimony, but right now I feel that maybe it is best saved for whenever someone really wants to talk to me about it. It's just more personal that way.
I will end this as my shortest blog post.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Sunday, April 8, 2012
An Easter Post (Random Thoughts)
The song 10,000 Reasons has been stuck in my head recently. It is a pretty simple worship song just listening to and singing it. I haven't tried playing it on an instrument yet. Even though I've only heard of it at the beginning of this year, it reminds me of when I would get lost in worship back when I first knew what it means to have a relationship with Christ. Maybe it is because I love how it mostly focuses on the Lord and not so much on us and how God worked on us. Granted, it is cool to have worship songs about how God works on us because of how broken we are, but it's so awesome to listen to worship music that focuses on His characteristics. I'm not sure if I am even making any sense.
It is Easter. I should be sleeping by now knowing I will attempt to wake up super early for the sunrise service. Yet, for some reason I felt like writing right now, right after reading passages in the Gospel about Jesus' resurrection. What stood out to me most was in Luke when an angel said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Why that passage? Maybe because it reminds me of Gospel choir when Pastor Victor Bell would quote that at every concert I remember. There is significance to it. After all, his resurrection is why we have Easter. His resurrection is why there are so many followers. His disciples abandoned Him, yet they end up preaching who Jesus is and dying for their beliefs. If Jesus never resurrected, then His whole ministry would have been a lie, and there is no reason to die for a lie. There must have been something significant to change the disciples' minds enough to get them to die for their faith in Christ. That significant thing is his resurrection.
It's funny. Recently I have been finding myself spending more time in prayer. I guess it is because I realize that I cannot rely on myself when it comes to making decisions. I had been making a lot of decisions lately. Some seem to be more spontaneous than others, and some of these spontaneous decisions...I don't even know why I made those decisions. Some, I never thought I would make whether ever or this soon. Yet, I find that some of my more spontaneous decisions had been more important in how I grow as a son of God and as a man. I would like to go into detail, but I feel like this is not the right place or time to talk about some of those decisions. However, I can say that God has been working in these decisions. I found myself stressing more when I relied on myself with some of these decisions, but when I bring it back to Him, things get better. What can I say? It's just been a crazy year for me. I've been having to face some of my insecurities, my pride dressed up as negativity. I want to see how God helps me grow even more during the rest of college. I want to see how I fit into His plan.
Short post, but that is all I really wanted to talk about. Until next time...
Kenneth
It is Easter. I should be sleeping by now knowing I will attempt to wake up super early for the sunrise service. Yet, for some reason I felt like writing right now, right after reading passages in the Gospel about Jesus' resurrection. What stood out to me most was in Luke when an angel said, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Why that passage? Maybe because it reminds me of Gospel choir when Pastor Victor Bell would quote that at every concert I remember. There is significance to it. After all, his resurrection is why we have Easter. His resurrection is why there are so many followers. His disciples abandoned Him, yet they end up preaching who Jesus is and dying for their beliefs. If Jesus never resurrected, then His whole ministry would have been a lie, and there is no reason to die for a lie. There must have been something significant to change the disciples' minds enough to get them to die for their faith in Christ. That significant thing is his resurrection.
It's funny. Recently I have been finding myself spending more time in prayer. I guess it is because I realize that I cannot rely on myself when it comes to making decisions. I had been making a lot of decisions lately. Some seem to be more spontaneous than others, and some of these spontaneous decisions...I don't even know why I made those decisions. Some, I never thought I would make whether ever or this soon. Yet, I find that some of my more spontaneous decisions had been more important in how I grow as a son of God and as a man. I would like to go into detail, but I feel like this is not the right place or time to talk about some of those decisions. However, I can say that God has been working in these decisions. I found myself stressing more when I relied on myself with some of these decisions, but when I bring it back to Him, things get better. What can I say? It's just been a crazy year for me. I've been having to face some of my insecurities, my pride dressed up as negativity. I want to see how God helps me grow even more during the rest of college. I want to see how I fit into His plan.
Short post, but that is all I really wanted to talk about. Until next time...
Kenneth
Monday, March 26, 2012
Insecurity = Pride?
I just changed the layout for blogger. I need to get used to it. It is interesting...I learned that I can look at the stats for my blog, and I did not realized that there had been 38 people viewing this blog in the last month (not sure if it counts myself though...). The peak in the last month was 18 views the day before my last two blog posts. I am surprised by that. Well, now that I got this out of the way, I can actually write something.
This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.
I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now. Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.
I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?
Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?
Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.
Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.
Until next time,
Kenneth
This last month has been pretty stressful. Actually, maybe the whole quarter was. I took on 19 units, one of the 5 unit film classes actually being the hardest film class. This quarter basically took any of my plans for school and flipped it over like if you were to flip over a table while you were playing a board game on it. Funny how life does that.
I want to admit something. I can be insecure. You probably figured that out a long time ago, but for those of you who haven't I am saying it now. Actually, you might have figured it out from that last sentence. I can probably list off many reasons or occasions I feel insecure. Even my last post about excuses show my insecurities. I like to pretend to myself that I am secure when there is a belief deep within myself that I can still be insecure in some things. Well, I guess people are built to want to feel secure.
I want to feel secure in my belief that I am God's child. I know that is where my identity lies. However, if I feel insecure even know I know my identity should be in Christ, there is something wrong with my priorities. Where do my priorities lie? Why do I feel so insecure?
Many times, you will hear me blame my parents for me not making choices. For example, when I am at home, I don't go out until I'm done doing what my mom tells me to do like check my brother's homework. As a result, I was usually late for youth group. Why did I start Film and Media late or have other majors I was not completely in to? My parents are paying for college, so I feel like I have to go with the majors they tell me to take. Why don't I want to go on retreat? It's hard to pay for it when my mom asks where the money is going. Why aren't I going on Spring/Summer Project? I have to do summer school to catch up on my double major or I have to spend time at home because my mom feels like I hate her if I rather spend time away from home. In the end, it is because I feel insecure about what my parents think, mostly what my mom thinks of me. And that translates to how people think of me. Does that mean I am putting what people think of me above how God thinks of me?
Tonight I visited youth group since I am on Spring Break. I was surprised to see my friend Jake speaking about his project. He then talks about identity and insecurities. He then states: "Insecurity is just pride dressed up in different clothes." That really hit me. You might think they are different because pride is thinking of yourself highly while insecurity is thinking of yourself as low. They are the same because you are thinking of yourself. That is what it comes down to. He also talked about how we tend to put ourselves in a box of insecurity while God is standing outside of that box looking at us and asking why we are in there. We see ourselves as in that box when he sees us outside of it.
"Everything that happens in your life is a direct result of how you see yourself compared to how God sees you." - Jake LemmerIn the end, all these negative thoughts of myself, all these insecurities are there because I put them there or because I let them get to me. My parents can put pressure on me, but it is not their fault that I feel insecure. It is because I let the pressure hit me, so I am at fault for putting myself in that box. You could say that my parents are controlling myself in a way, but it is only because I am letting them. I need to give all that up to God instead. I cannot make choices if I am afraid of how my parents would think. By giving everything up to God, I can make choices.
Does that mean that if I find myself feeling insecure that I should call myself out for being prideful? No. It just means that I need to remind myself of how God sees me. My identity should lie in Him. That is something I somehow keep forgetting and having to remind myself of. I hope you don't fall into the same trap as I do. I can only mature once I put my identity in Christ instead of in others.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Reasoning...or excuses? Also, thoughts on marriage...
Many times when I have to make decisions, I think of all the consequences or possible outcomes. Actually...that's true when I don't have to make decisions too. I usually call them my reasons for not doing things.
For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.
I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:
There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?
And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.
Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.
Until next time,
Kenneth
For example, I would like to go on summer project with Campus Crusade. However I have reasons for not going.
- I need to take summer classes in order to graduate on time.
- My parents may disown me if I went on a missions trip.
- I don't want to go for the wrong reasons like wanting to visit different places or being pressured to.
- If Spring Project instead, I feel like I need to spend more time with family because my mom thinks I do not love her.
I would also like to join AGO. However, my reasons for not:
- I only have one year of college left...is this a good idea?
- There is a lot of time and financial commitment...do I have the time? I also feel guilty using so much of my parents' money...
- Spring Quarter: I have trouble figuring out if I have the time when I know I will be super involved with BOTA.
- What are my reasons for wanting to join? I still can't even answer the question of what I could bring to AGO if I became a member...
There is probably more that I can't think of at the moment...
There's also relationships/marriage. A couple days ago, my mom saw my Facebook status congratulating a couple from IVC for getting married as well as congratulating Jordan and Christina getting engaged. She asked why I don't have a girlfriend yet. My response?
I don't have time.In my mind, there are a LOT of reasons for me to not want to get into a relationship.
- Well...I don't have time as I said to my mom.
- I really want to be careful about this kind of thing.
- I feel like I should wait until God confirms to me and my future wife that we are going to be married.
- Through the above reason, I won't have had other relationships that would be an obstacle in my future relationship with my wife, nor would I be an obstacle in another girl's future relationship with her husband.
- I guess there might be somewhere deep inside my mind a fear of rejection like I have been in the past...even though I'm thankful for being rejected for the above reason.
- I don't think I am mature enough as a man.
- If I plan on marrying someone, how would I be able to support her or a family? How can I afford going on dates or even think about buying an engagement ring if I don't even have a job and rely on my parents' money?
- How do I know it's not just some random crush? I really think I'm not in a good position to ask anyone out...especially if I feel like there is a possibility I might have multiple crushes...
Honestly, that list could keep on going. Actually, any of those lists could keep on going. I convince myself that they are reasons, but what if some of them are excuses? Which ones are excuses? I ask this because there are times where I give certain people reasons for not doing certain things and they tell me that I'm just coming up with excuses. And I also find it sad that it is easier for me to come up with a list of "reasons" or "excuses" for why I don't date...
I also guess some of my reasons for not doing things would be out of rebelliousness. That is definitely not good when it comes to God. I used to reason with myself that I will marry a non-Asian because:
- Before college, I've only had one crush that was Asian. All my other past crushes had been white or Latina.
- My mom says I have to marry an Asian. I want to prove that there is nothing wrong with interracial marriage.
And really, I need to trust God more with everything. For if I ever go on a missions trip, for whether I join AGO or not, for my future job, for ANYTHING. Just today I got back my first midterm that was a failing grade...TRUST GOD IN THAT! I was relying too much on myself for that exam when I should have been giving my time and thanks to God.
Well...I could probably go on, but I need to get some rest. I pray that I trust in God on everything, and I pray that you will too.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Overcoming Shyness...(Oh hey, that's the title of a book in Earthbound!)
If you did not know me, you may think I am a shy guy. If you got to know me, you might think I am not shy at all. Well, I am shy...I'm just more talkative around people I'm comfortable being around. I have trouble talking to people I don't really know.
A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.
God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.
So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.
It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.
I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.
Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.
Until next time,
Kenneth
A couple weeks ago at Real Life, Chris Ward talked about how we as Christians are not where we should be. The signs are people are not being as involved as they should, going out sharing or signing up for projects. I've noticed how Real Life does not seem as strong as it used to be, but I have always thought that it could be from being here for over two years and getting used to it. It was interesting what he had to say. He said that either we have disbelief or that we are disobedient. As much as I hate to say it, I am probably falling in the disobedient section. I don't go out on Wednesdays to share the Gospel. My excuse is that I have class from 10-12 then 2-4. But then I could just use the two hours between to skip lunch and share. I could also be sharing with classmates. I admit that I fail at that too. Instead of getting to know my classmates, I usually just leave class after it ends, and the only time I ever talk to classmates are about homework or exams.
God called us to go out and make disciples of all nations. Have I made any disciples? Not that I know of...so no. Because I am selfish in that I don't go out sharing, I am disobedient. I spend too much time ranting too. I also come up with lots of excuses. I should not have this attitude. Also, by talking a lot about myself, I might still be selfish in a way.
So why don't I go out of my way to take time to get to know my classmates and other random people? As I have said, I am shy. Granted, shyness should not be an excuse, but that is how I am afraid. Pretty recently, I've been seeing a high school classmate's tumblr posts appearing on my Facebook news feed. I didn't really talk to that classmate that much in high school. In fact, I didn't really talk to or hang out with that many classmates in high school. I mostly hung out with older kids until my senior year when I started hanging out with younger people. Anyways, back to the tumblr posts. I randomly decided to read them because there were a lot of Q&A stuff and other re-postings of videos or wisdom. From this I learned...well...that this classmate was a really Godly woman. I found a lot of her tumblr posts or re-posts encouraging, and it made me wonder why I never saw this part of her in high school. The answer? Probably because I didn't really try to get to know anyone in my own class on a deeper level.
It makes me wonder how many missed opportunities I had to know the people in my own class, how many missed opportunities of growth because I didn't ask how God was working in their lives or how I did not share how God had been working in my lhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifife. Well...too late for that now. Maybe I can talk to my classmates whenever a high school reunion comes up. For now, I'm also learning to apply that here in college. In fact, in college I would consider most of my closest friends to be from my class. Granted, I still like hanging out with older people for some reason, but I am also building relationships with people in my own class. It is like I am learning from my mistakes in high school. I'll admit, I'm still not doing that great of a job when I occupy myself with school work or only talking about surface level stuff, but there are times where I get into the deeper stuff.
I also wonder how have I been making an impact in anyone's lives. I sometimes feel like I am just...there. How have I been building anyone up? I pray to God that He will work in me in that area...because I can't see how I am building anyone up. I could totally be impacting people's lives without knowing it myself, just like the guy talks about in this video...but I still am not sure if I am building people up. By using the word "I" a lot, I realize that I am being selfish right now.
Anyways, there is a lot I would like to write about. I just don't have that much time to do so. I hope you learned something valuable from this post. I feel like I ramble a lot. If it was free flow where I write down everything I think of, I would be all over the place and there would probably be a lot of lyrics to random music that do not fit. However, one day I would like to do some free flow. And now I know I really need to stop rambling.
Until next time,
Kenneth
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I never thought acne could make a good analogy...
Look at the title. It could be a good analogy...or a crazy farfetched one...
Anyways I'm putting aside an idea for a blog post to write this before I forget this one. Why acne you ask? Well...let's just say it's an issue my mom has with me. You will understand it by the end of the blog post. Story time? I think yes.
Ever since I was junior high, my mom either complained about me being too fat, complained about my dry lips, or complained about me having too much acne. I know it's her way of saying, "This is my way of saying I love you because I am scared that you can't get a wife in the future," but it still bothers me to this day. Whenever I would have an outbreak, she would blame it on:
1) lack of sleep/sleeping too late
2) eating fried food/desserts/not eating enough vegetables
And those things she blame my outbreaks on would give her an excuse to call me a bad boy and reasons to control me.
While those reasons may play a part in acne, I discovered I did not grow as much acne when I am in Santa Barbara and rarely, if ever, have an outbreak. I find that funny because I sleep less in college, have been eating a lot more vegetables than I used to, and have been eating more fried food and desserts in college. Yet, when I am home, I eat less sugary goodness, fried food, and I sleep in a lot. Granted, I still sleep late, but I really don't sleep later than when I am in school. Still, I have outbreaks when I am at home which I somehow do not get in school.
I also noticed that my lips only become dry when I'm back home. I never had to use chap stick when I am at school, but I need to use it when I come back. I decided maybe it is the dry climate here. I googled it, and dry climates can cause acne. I try explaining that to my mom, and she says that cannot be a reason and that it must be the same reasons she always uses. I also reasoned that if it is food, maybe it is all the Chinese food I eat at home. Chinese food tends to be oily, but that mostly applies to restaurants. Home-cooked is a lot healthier.
I am sure that I am right about the climate and my mom is wrong with her reasons, but at the same time, I have to accept that I could be wrong and that my mom would be right. It still does not explain why I have outbreaks at home while I do not in Santa Barbara.
My mom tries to treat my acne through various methods. It includes:
1) forcing me to have facial appointments
2) giving me different products to wash my face with
3) telling me I am not allowed to eat fried food or desserts
4) attempting to make me sleep before midnight (which never really works)
Facial appointments are good for removing the acne that is already there, but it does not prevent it. My mom still thinks going to facial appointments prevents acne. I sometimes feel that using multiple products would cancel each other out...or they just do not work and companies make tons of money by taking advantage of people's insecurities. A quick google search helped me determine that brownies and sugar are not the cause of acne. Sleep may be a reason, but again does not explain why I do not get breakouts in SB.
I just finished watching a movie, and as I passed by Starbucks, I saw Patrick there. I talked to him a little and mentioned the acne problem. He agreed that using products and going to facial appointments may treat the problem on the outside, but it does not stop the cause of the problem. When he said that, I thought, "hey, this sounds like it can make a good analogy..."
And here I am writing this. I think in a lot of areas, people want to solve the outer, most noticeable problems. However, when people are focused on the outside, they do not look deep into the root of the problem. I'm probably guilty of that a lot. There might be a deeper reason I am convinced that my mom is wrong, and a deeper reason for me to want to prove there are other reasons through googling. Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifn a similar fashion, I can see an outside reason for me not wanting to date is that I'm waiting for a clear sign from God saying, "this is the woman you will marry," when there may be a deeper reason like maybe getting rejected when I was younger or something and not wanting to be hurt again. However, that does not mean that the outside reason is not a reason. I still think it is best if I wait for God to tell me "this is the girl you will marry". That way, I don't have to date different people only for them to be obstacles in my future marriage or me being the obstacle in their future marriages. Sorry for going on a random tangent like that, but the point still stands that there may be a different, deeper reason for me choosing to not make certain choices.
I'm sure that is the point of having a sozo. A sozo is a ministry of healing. It goes into deeper healing. According to Bethel, "The Sozo ministry is a unique inner healing and deliverance ministry in which the main aim is to get to the root of those things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." I probably need to get a sozo. I'm sure there are people who might find this kind of stuff iffy, but I've seen it work with people.
The alternate title for this post could be "Deep Wounds"...but I think the current title sounds funnier. Plus I spent most of the post writing my story about acne problems. My relationship with my mom apparently can bring interesting stories. :P
I can notice problems with myself, but I might not be seeing the deeper issues with my problems. It's definitely something I should pray about. If you also need prayer for deeper issues, I could pray for you too.
Anyways, I need to be driving my brother to the airport in about five hours...
Until next time,
Kenneth
Anyways I'm putting aside an idea for a blog post to write this before I forget this one. Why acne you ask? Well...let's just say it's an issue my mom has with me. You will understand it by the end of the blog post. Story time? I think yes.
Ever since I was junior high, my mom either complained about me being too fat, complained about my dry lips, or complained about me having too much acne. I know it's her way of saying, "This is my way of saying I love you because I am scared that you can't get a wife in the future," but it still bothers me to this day. Whenever I would have an outbreak, she would blame it on:
1) lack of sleep/sleeping too late
2) eating fried food/desserts/not eating enough vegetables
And those things she blame my outbreaks on would give her an excuse to call me a bad boy and reasons to control me.
While those reasons may play a part in acne, I discovered I did not grow as much acne when I am in Santa Barbara and rarely, if ever, have an outbreak. I find that funny because I sleep less in college, have been eating a lot more vegetables than I used to, and have been eating more fried food and desserts in college. Yet, when I am home, I eat less sugary goodness, fried food, and I sleep in a lot. Granted, I still sleep late, but I really don't sleep later than when I am in school. Still, I have outbreaks when I am at home which I somehow do not get in school.
I also noticed that my lips only become dry when I'm back home. I never had to use chap stick when I am at school, but I need to use it when I come back. I decided maybe it is the dry climate here. I googled it, and dry climates can cause acne. I try explaining that to my mom, and she says that cannot be a reason and that it must be the same reasons she always uses. I also reasoned that if it is food, maybe it is all the Chinese food I eat at home. Chinese food tends to be oily, but that mostly applies to restaurants. Home-cooked is a lot healthier.
I am sure that I am right about the climate and my mom is wrong with her reasons, but at the same time, I have to accept that I could be wrong and that my mom would be right. It still does not explain why I have outbreaks at home while I do not in Santa Barbara.
My mom tries to treat my acne through various methods. It includes:
1) forcing me to have facial appointments
2) giving me different products to wash my face with
3) telling me I am not allowed to eat fried food or desserts
4) attempting to make me sleep before midnight (which never really works)
Facial appointments are good for removing the acne that is already there, but it does not prevent it. My mom still thinks going to facial appointments prevents acne. I sometimes feel that using multiple products would cancel each other out...or they just do not work and companies make tons of money by taking advantage of people's insecurities. A quick google search helped me determine that brownies and sugar are not the cause of acne. Sleep may be a reason, but again does not explain why I do not get breakouts in SB.
I just finished watching a movie, and as I passed by Starbucks, I saw Patrick there. I talked to him a little and mentioned the acne problem. He agreed that using products and going to facial appointments may treat the problem on the outside, but it does not stop the cause of the problem. When he said that, I thought, "hey, this sounds like it can make a good analogy..."
And here I am writing this. I think in a lot of areas, people want to solve the outer, most noticeable problems. However, when people are focused on the outside, they do not look deep into the root of the problem. I'm probably guilty of that a lot. There might be a deeper reason I am convinced that my mom is wrong, and a deeper reason for me to want to prove there are other reasons through googling. Ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifn a similar fashion, I can see an outside reason for me not wanting to date is that I'm waiting for a clear sign from God saying, "this is the woman you will marry," when there may be a deeper reason like maybe getting rejected when I was younger or something and not wanting to be hurt again. However, that does not mean that the outside reason is not a reason. I still think it is best if I wait for God to tell me "this is the girl you will marry". That way, I don't have to date different people only for them to be obstacles in my future marriage or me being the obstacle in their future marriages. Sorry for going on a random tangent like that, but the point still stands that there may be a different, deeper reason for me choosing to not make certain choices.
I'm sure that is the point of having a sozo. A sozo is a ministry of healing. It goes into deeper healing. According to Bethel, "The Sozo ministry is a unique inner healing and deliverance ministry in which the main aim is to get to the root of those things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." I probably need to get a sozo. I'm sure there are people who might find this kind of stuff iffy, but I've seen it work with people.
The alternate title for this post could be "Deep Wounds"...but I think the current title sounds funnier. Plus I spent most of the post writing my story about acne problems. My relationship with my mom apparently can bring interesting stories. :P
I can notice problems with myself, but I might not be seeing the deeper issues with my problems. It's definitely something I should pray about. If you also need prayer for deeper issues, I could pray for you too.
Anyways, I need to be driving my brother to the airport in about five hours...
Until next time,
Kenneth
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