INFP...Healer and Idealist

I am an INFP...at least according to a personality test I took. What does it mean? It means I'm an Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler, and Perceiver. According to some sources, only 1% of the population is an INFP. That makes me unique compared to most people. Seeing that statistic helped me realize God made me so different from most people for a reason.

According to an app on facebook:

In general, INFPs focus deeply on their values, and they devote their lives to pursuing the ideal. They often draw people together around a common purpose and work to find a place for each person within the group. They are creative, and they seek new ideas and possibilities. They quietly push for what is important to them, and they rarely give up. While they have a gentleness about them, and a delightful sense of humor, they may be somewhat difficult to get to know and may be overlooked by others. They are at their best making their world more in line with their internal vision of perfection.

I don't know if that accurately describes me, but when it does into detail about each part, I think it's pretty accurate about myself. I'm 35% in the direction of introversion. "Introverts are more reserved, quiet, and contemplative than most. While they enjoy socializing, they also can become absorbed in private thought and enjoy time alone." I'm 74% in the direction of intuitiveness which focuses more on the big picture and overlook the details. People see me as absent-minded when I notice more than they think. Also, "They enjoy considering the ways people or ideas are connected." I'm 3% feeler, which means I'm caring, supportive, and appreciative. I also prefer to cooperate than argue. I can see why I'm only 3% when I tend to think a lot as well. Finally, I'm 75% in the direction of perceiving.

People who are clearly Perceivers lead a flexible, spontaneous lifestyle and avoid making definite plans whenever possible. They get excited by starting something new but find it difficult to finish. They see all sides of every situation, so much so that it is often unclear to them what's "right". When faced with a decision, they will put it off for as long as possible in order to consider all their options. Even once the decision is made, they often second guess themselves.

Personally, I find these descriptions pretty accurate.

As one group on a website says:

As INFP's we are idealists, dreamers, healers and romantics! Some might say we view life through 'rose colored glasses'. We have a rare capacity for deep caring and commitment, both to people and causes we believe in. Often others view us as reserved and cool when inwardly we experience life very intensely! We never seem to lose our sense of wonder and sometimes we may feel as if we have been imported from another galaxy!

Yeah...I feel that is accurate as well.

Reading through a discussion topic of people who are all INFP, I find myself very similar to them. We find that most people cannot understand us. We constantly seek self-improvement, are into self-exploration, are critical of ourselves, and we went to be organized in some ways. We can be seen as perfectionists, so we end up with high expectations. We can also be described by others as "chameleons", which means we can blend in with any group. I guess that's why I never really got into a clique. It's hard for us to get into small talk because we feel like it's not worth our time. I have an easier time getting started on things than ending things, but I still tend to save it for later in case I decide to change my mind.

When it comes to seeing the big picture over the minute detail...I definitely see that when I organized a hangout for my birthday but didn't actually decide what we would do until the last minute. I guess the fact that I feel so different from most people is also why I try to participate in everything and hang out with people, which sort of makes me extroverted at times. However, it still makes me use energy to do that instead of getting energy sometimes. As one Canadian says, "INFP is a tremendous mixture of melancholy, beauty and boundless innocence and wonder..." I find that to be quite accurate. The thing about falling in love easily also happens, but that's where my thinking process comes in and says no...either that or the perfectionist side. But then, someone describes INFP as loving "EVERYONE WITH SUCH FERVENT PASSION". I find that hilarious, but true about myself.

INFP people also tend to find people's conversations shallow...which perfectly explains why I have trouble getting into conversations. We usually find them meaningless. It could also be because we find it easier to communicate our emotions and thoughts through writing than actually speaking. I definitely go through that with my blog. It's easier for me to describe what I'm going through with this than actually talking.

Not only is it hard for people to completely understand me, I also have trouble understanding myself. I found it interesting when another INFP said he experienced that. I'm a daydreamer, always thinking, always analyzing, and I am organized in some areas but not in others. I love art and creativity, which can be seen in my love of animation and the fact that I see video games as a form of art. We see potential in humanity, but also recognize the reality and value of suffering.

There's more to it than what I have, but I feel like it's sufficient for now. I also must let you know that a lot of the descriptions are taking from other people's posts in a discussion topic. One guy criticized us for being narcissists. Writing all this about myself makes me feel like one, and you should know I hate feeling like I'm a narcissist. However, I do feel like I can relate to a lot of what other INFPs say.

This is not to say the description of an INFP completely describes me. There's probably more to myself that these results cannot say. It does give a basic idea of who I am though. It makes me wonder how this all fits into whatever plan God has for me. It's awesome to know we have a Dad who loves us for who we are.

In the past I would put a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me. I would think people hated me when in reality they probably didn't. There are plenty of INFP people who think that. In fact, we are the people who everyone seems to like but don't care about hanging out with. I still think a lot of people don't care about me even though I KNOW that is not the case. Even knowing that I have a lot of amazing friends who care about me, I know that my God is an all powerful God who loves me even when I do not deserve it. With all the pessimism I have of myself as an INFP, it's great to know my Daddy loves me just the way I am.

Dear reader, I hope this post enlightens you more about who I am, and I hope it encourages you in knowing that your heavenly daddy loves you the way you are and made you perfectly as you are. I also hope that you don't think I'm trying to hide my identity from anyone. I am the way I am because I was made that way.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

As a final note, I think it would be an interesting topic to know what type of person you are.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Patience...

Aah patience...it's something I have sometimes while at other times I don't have it. Sometimes I wonder how it works. How is it that I can spend so much time during breaks to catch legendary Pokemon only to soft reset and try again when I do not get the right nature and individual values? Actually, I don't have the patience. I end up multitasking with facebook or watching TV while I play Pokemon. I also eventually give up and settle with mediocre individual values because I'm sure it would take forever before I can get amazing ones.

What does that have to do with anything? Well, for one I definitely need more patience in other aspects. I show up to things early because I am impatient and do not want to be late. I need patience when I do my homework or reading because I tend to skim when I read or procrastinate when I study or write papers. I do not analyze more thoroughly when I decide to read a chapter from the Bible to understand what the text says. I do not have patience when I'm told to help my younger brother with his homework while I'm at home. I tend to check the time a lot. I finish my food quickly. By now I probably gave more than enough examples...

I definitely need more patience when it comes to talking with my mom. It's something I realized while I have been at home. I find it difficult to listen to my mom speak when I feel like she's too controlling. I realize her way of showing love is to tell me what to do because she feels that she knows what is best for me, but all it does is make me feel stressed or uncomfortable about my own image. She has all these hopes of me going to Berkeley for grad school right after I finish undergrad at UCSB, so she expects me to spend my summer doing an internship or go to summer school while I would prefer to go on summer project or be a part of a prayer ministry. She used to tell me I'm fat and need to lose weight. Now that I have lost some weight, she tells me that the way I dress is ugly and it looks like I'm going to a funeral everyday. Then she would tell me that she only says this because she wants me to be able to find a girlfriend and that I will never get married if I wear black t-shirts or weigh as much as I do. Anything she finds about me as a "flaw", she will immediately blame it on the fact that I go to church.

1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient. If I try to speak my thoughts calmly, she gets mad and I feel impatient. Does that mean I do not love my mom? I hope not. Maybe taking in all the hits then ranting about it later to others is not the best way in being patient. The only way I feel like I can please my mom is by trying to obey her as much as I can. It may be why I made an effort to lose weight in the first place by eating less when I was at school. I guess one of the ways I deal with all the stress my mom puts on me is having more patience in playing video games. It maybe why I'm online all the time when I'm at home.

This impatience may have also been put into my time with God. Sometimes I do have patience and can spend a couple hours in the prayer room. However, sometimes I still spend a little bit of time in prayer and then leave. My thoughts may wander elsewhere. I feel like I may be in a dry season where I don't feel like I'm spending enough time with God. I have to constantly remind myself that He loves me unconditionally and that I don't have to make an effort to please Him. It's funny how I feel like I don't have enough patience sometimes.

Dear reader, I would like you to pray for me, that I may have more patience at this time. I need it to live with all the criticism I get from my mom. I also need it to continue seeking to make my relationship with God deeper. That is all for now.

Kenneth

True Self?

I'm not going to lie when I say sometimes I wonder if I lie to myself. Is what I tell myself who I really am or have I lied to myself so much that I don't know the difference between a mask and reality? Have the walls I put around myself years ago been going away or are they still there but less noticeable to myself?

Those questions seem inevitable when people talk about how you seem to be happy all the time. It's even more noticeable when friends like Mac would speak up about it. Earlier this week, I was passing through the Jesus Burgers house from the prayer shed to go out when Mac asked why I would stop to just say hi and leave. He then commented on how everyone knows me, but they don't know much about me. He then started asking a bunch of questions I began to ponder because I have no idea how to answer them. Justin also asked some questions like "What does God love about you?" I'm sad to say I could not answer it beyond that he created me for a purpose. This week Pastor Jason even gave me a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I did not know what the book was about until just last night when I read the summary and started the first chapter. The summary points out this problem: "In a desperate attempt to make ourselves acceptable before God and others, we hide our true selves and present an impostor to the world--someone we hope will be accepted."

These two experiences in this last week along with some others pretty much hint that I might be trying to make myself someone else. To be honest, I haven't thought of myself as trying to be someone I'm not. When different people have been telling me that they feel like I'm hiding myself in order to fit in, I have to wonder whether I actually am.

While reading, there was a quote from The Beatitudes by Simon Tugwell that states, "And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like." When I tell my testimony to people, I usually tell them about how I've been slowly coming out of a shell I put myself in. I'm wondering if that was a lie to myself as well because I actually believe it.

One of the reasons I made this blog is to have some sort of a journal where I can see how I grow. Another reason for it is to reveal more about myself to people who are actually interested in coming here and reading. In a way, I'm trying to reveal who I actually am through written words if I fail at that when actually interacting with people. However, I find that I contradict myself when I want to say that one reason I don't have an actual journal is I'm afraid people might find it and read it without permission. If I even had a journal, I would basically be writing the same things I write in this blog. Now I'm just confusing myself... (Although to be completely honest, another reason is I'm too lazy to go buy a journal and make myself write in it). Sorry for going a bit off topic. The main point is you can figure out a lot about me just by reading my thoughts here.

I'm definitely open to whatever criticism you might have for me. I'm also open to you having questions about me. However, I feel like I will answer "I don't know" a lot because truthfully I actually don't know a lot about myself. I spent a lot of time watching TV or playing video games that I haven't really attempted to see who I am outside of those and what I am like with my social life.

Just a few days ago I wondered if I had any best friends. I know I have lots of friends I would consider close, but I'm not sure how to define "best" friend. I talked to Jordan about that four nights ago, and I talked to Amanda about it a few days ago. When I talked to Amanda, she talked about the difference between good friends you can always hang out with and best friends who you can go to about anything and you know won't abandon you even if you get into fights. I know I now have a lot of good friends I can hang out with, but I'm not sure if I have "best" friends. Sure there are a few people I feel comfortable going into certain details with about my life (and some of you even read this blog), but would they be considered my best friends if I don't know whether they see me the same way I see them? I don't remember a moment where anyone has approached me because they needed to vent about something they don't want completely out there. Maybe I'm being selfish when I say that...

As I read the second chapter of Abba's Child, it talks about how "the impostor cannot experience intimacy in any relationship". It goes more into detail by saying, "The false self has a highly skilled defensive radar whose purpose is to avoid feelings of rejection although sacrificing the need for intimacy." The reasons for that are because of repressed memories that create feelings of angry correction and implied abandonment and because of cowardice. It makes me question whether I'm a coward. It also says

the impostor "argues relentlessly that the root of the problem is minor and should be ignored, that 'mature' men and women would not get so upset over something so trivial, that one's equilibrium should be maintained even if it means placing unreasonable limits on personal hopes and dreams and accepting life in a diminished form."

To tell you the truth, the block quote explained why I never really talked much about my testimony before this year. I've always been afraid that my testimony was not great and that it was nothing compared to other testimonies. I thought I would sound weak based on my testimony. However, after telling it to different people and even in groups I realized that it was not a weak testimony. I also realize that it is what made me who I am today and I should not regret it.

Just today I watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. If you don't want to be spoiled, you should skip this paragraph. I'm not even sure if this scene was in the book or not since the movie apparently made a lot of changes. In the movie, Lucy struggled with her own self image and desired to look more like her sister Susan. From her desire to look more like Susan, Lucy steals a page from The Book of Incantations and later turns herself into Susan. In that sequence, she's back on Earth with her two brothers, but she notices that she is not around and her brothers knew nothing of Narnia. Lucy decides to be herself again, and Aslan appears to her in the mirror. Aslan tells her that she must not lack self-value because she is beautiful the way she is and that it was because of her that her siblings found Narnia. Much like Lucy, I need to realize that I also have value. I know that I have value, but I need to come to terms with it.

By the end of the second chapter of Abba's Child, it says,

"Hatred of the impostor is actually self-hatred. The impostor and I constitute one person...Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self."

I should not be hating myself even if I don't like the fact that I could be pretending to be someone I'm not. To be truthful, I'm not sure if I am trying to be someone else, but a lot of things seem to point out that I am. Even a word I got from someone in Upper Room a few weeks back says something about me having to be more comfortable with my identity in Christ. I don't remember exactly what it says since it is back in my drawer in SB, but I might post it up when I go back if I feel the need to. I should accept that I might not be showing my true self a lot.

This time I'm going to use the Naruto manga as an example. If you don't want to be spoiled about it, I would recommend not reading this paragraph. Earlier this year Naruto started training to control the nine-tailed fox. One of his first challenges was to go to the Falls of Truth on the island he was being hidden on. While there, he encounters Dark Naruto in his thoughts. Dark Naruto exclaims that he is the manifestation of the hatred that existed in Naruto's heart. Dark Naruto then claims that he is the true Naruto while Naruto was an impostor. When Naruto goes back later, he learns to accept the dark part of him. Naruto states that he needed to have faith in himself to have the strength to live up to the trust of the villagers. When Dark Naruto asks about his own existence, Naruto tells him that he was really him and thanked him for pushing him to be the person he is now. When Dark Naruto tried to attack, Naruto hugged him instead and tells him that everything is going to be alright. Dark Naruto lets go of his anger at their past and disappears into Naruto. Naruto also had to deal with his own identity. He had to come to terms with who he had become.

I still have some growing to do. Although I'm sure I've been coming out of a shell since 8th grade, I think I still have to come out more. There are still some things I need to let go. As a way to challenge myself, I encourage you readers to ask me questions about myself if you want to get to know me better. I'll try to answer truthfully even if I feel uncomfortable. I need to grow more comfortable about talking about myself. If you can, find time to have one on one hang out times with me. I definitely love those and I feel like I'm a lot more open and talkative during them. Even Ryan Frank told me today that he feels I write a lot more and talk more during one on ones than when I'm in even a small group setting.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Guarding My Heart...

Desire for relationships...that's an issue I've struggled with since late elementary school. It's an issue I've always had a dread for. It's the one issue I try avoiding when I talk to people. The type of relationship I'm talking about here is the dating kind. Of course...I still have trouble answering questions when it comes to whether I have close friends or not, but that's not the point of this post. This is a post where I am making myself vulnerable by revealing bits and pieces of who I was and who I am trying not to be.

Why am I doing this when I have a final in 10 hours? Well...because I feel like I should do this. I hope that this is a way I could learn to open myself up more, to tear down the walls I put around myself, to come out of the shell I hid myself in and thought I came out of. It is a way to know that I won't be judged by the people who read this. I still have some fear about being judged, but I know that it should not matter. Why? Because no matter what, God will still love me for who I am. He knows my struggles, my fears, my insecurities, all the things about me that I would like to hide, but I can't hide a thing from Him.

With that said, I'm going to analyze my past and find out why I struggle with this issue. Prepare to be bored out of your mind by my long rant.

I grew up watching a lot of TV. My ideas of love came from cartoons or movies. I had high expectations for it. My first crush happened in 5th grade...

I moved to Japan for fifth grade. Went to an all boys international Catholic school. I took the bus which would always stop at the all girls school before going to my school. The bus picked up both guys and girls basically. There was one girl at my bus stop I found attractive. Of course, I was very young then, and my thoughts on it were based on what I saw on TV...it's quite ridiculous now that I look back on it. Well being the ridiculous 11 year old I was at the time, I revealed it to her. Pretty soon, she told all her friends, and it caused a whole bunch of drama I'm not a fan of. If you have ever heard my testimony, you now know where part of it comes from.

Anyways, by the end of sixth grade I was over it. People still made fun of me for it through seventh grade. Afterward I tried asking one more person out and got rejected. By then I made the decision never to reveal to anyone who I ever had a crush on, and I made sure to close myself up so much just so people would never find out that kind of information. It was part of why I became so quiet in eighth grade.

My crushes usually lasted about two years. They lasted shorter as I got older. In high school I struggled with having crushes, but avoided asking them out due to fear of being rejected...out of a fear of what happened in middle school would repeat. I basically had an idea that anyone I asked out would reject me, so the only two "dates" I went on were to dances as friends...do those even count as dates?

Anyways, there was only one period I remember not having a crush on anyone. It was from last spring to the middle of this summer. I felt a lot of freedom when that occurred. However, near the end of summer, I realized I was struggling with it again.

By now, my attitude changed from fear of rejection to knowing I'm not ready for a relationship with a girl. How did this happen? Well I became more comfortable with my identity in Christ, and I realize I need to place Him first. I don't want relationships to be a stumbling block. Of course, even liking someone can make me stumble, but I need to constantly remind myself that this would be horrible timing to seek a relationship with a person. If I'm ever going to get into a relationship, I want it to be one that is centered around Christ, one where we build each other in our relationship with Him. I want to make sure that God is pointing us in the direction of marriage. Otherwise, it would be pointless to even date her. Seeing how I feel in certain situations, I realize that I am far from ready when it comes to getting into a relationship. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and I need to set my priorities straight.

Dear reader, if you ever notice me stumbling in that area and you feel I need to stay away from a certain person, I encourage you to tell me so. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to guarding my heart. For now...

Until next time,
Kenneth

Letter to Future Children...

Dear child of mine in the future,

You must think this is weird that I'm writing a letter to you when I'm still in my second year of college and don't even know if I have met your mother yet. I hope you are doing well in whatever you are doing right now. I wonder what your name(s) will be. Right now I hope you are either called Ryan or Lucas if you are a boy, or Kim or Michele if you are a girl...as long as your mom doesn't have different ideas for your names. I think Ilana would be an awesome name as well if you are a girl. Well, you would already have your names by the time you read this anyways.

I would really like to encourage you right now. My hope is that you are actively seeking the Lord, but I know I can't force that upon you. I'm definitely going to pray about that for you.

It is my hope that I treat you well. If you see me acting in ways I shouldn't be, I hope you are correcting me in my ways. If you are going through struggles, I pray that you would feel comfortable in approaching me about them...or you can talk to your mom too if you feel more comfortable doing that. I want you to know that I'm not perfect and that I do go through my own struggles. You may ask me about them sometime and I'm sure I would be willing to answer. I hope I can support you in ways that would help you.

Know that whatever decisions you make in the future, I will always love you. I know this isn't much, but it's all I can think about writing for now. I'll definitely be seeing you around.

Love,
Kenneth

Dreams...

Dreams are interesting topics to talk about. The one I'm talking about now refers to the ones you have in your sleep...not your hopes for the future. Sometimes you can have completely random dreams that take elements of recent happenings, and sometimes God can totally speak to you through dreams. Sometimes you can even be spiritually attacked in dreams.

I feel like the dreams I usually get are the ones where I have no idea what is going on or the bad dreams I have. The ones where I have no idea what goes on usually involves me running around an imagined city with elements from Tokyo or an imagined multiple story shopping center...and there was even one in a luxurious hotel of sorts. I never understood those dreams...I either run from something or I am searching for I have no idea what. Sometimes I would even hop onto a train to go from one part of the city to another.

There are also those dreams I remember because I'm about to die in those dreams. These range from being chased by a T-Rex as a child only to run into a Vietnamese noodle shop to eat, or when I was in 4th grade, I had a dream where I hear about a baby tiger escaping from the zoo. For some reason the baby tiger found it's way to the room I was hiding in, and my brother pushed me out of our hiding spot under a blanket. Then it started eating my leg...Sometime in junior high or high school I even had a dream where I was protecting a deck of "magical cards" from the mafia and they chased me around until they eventually shot me while I was running uphill. I actually felt the pain of a bullet going into my leg in my sleep...

Then there are ones that seem to be prophetic. I remember when I was in 10th or 11th grade, I had a dream where one of my best friends got liver cancer. She dies in that dream and it really saddened me. The next day, I find out a schoolmate whose last name sounds the same as my friend's first name had liver cancer. He no longer has it now, and I'm sure he's having an awesome time with his life now.

Then a couple nights ago around 5AM, I had this really freaky dream. I was talking to a friend of mine about Disney movies for some reason, and we mentioned Monsters Inc. All of a sudden, she starts shivering or shuddering, and I ask what was wrong. She said everything was fine. Then we continued talking and I noticed she was shuddering even more. I asked if she needed help with anything, and she yells "NO". She eventually falls over, so I offer to help her back up. At this point, she yells at me to stay away from her. It was totally freaky for me, and I was kind of scared. Whenever I would approach her, she would yell in a high pitched voice. I thought it was a demonic attack of sorts, but I remembered that Jesus' name has power. I then stretched my right arm forward and said, "In Jesus' name, leave her." At this point, my "vision" of the dream becomes blurry, so I repeat, "In Jesus' name, leave." Right as I said it the second time, I wake up to notice I was saying it out loud.

It's the most recent dream I remember, and I felt it could be an attack. It could also be a message to be interpreted like my friend did for me yesterday in the afternoon. Whatever the case, I started praying protection over her and myself right after having it. I should probably start remembering to write down more dreams.

Comment your thoughts about dreams or even write down any you have had recently that you are fine sharing.

Until next time,
Kenneth

About Next Summer...

Please be praying for me next summer. I'm still not sure what I am going to do. There are so many things I could do. I want to either go on summer project, stay in Isla Vista and become a part of the 24/7 prayer movement that is starting in the prayer shed, or I could just stay at home and continue to be involved with a couple youth groups and Ian's worship nights. At the same time I know my parents want me to either get an internship of sorts or go to summer school.

The thing about summer school is I can do it back home, in Santa Barbara, or on Santa Monica summer project. Internship...not really something I want to do. It will take a lot of my time that I would rather spend doing other things. Now that I know what I could do with those, I'm going to go into detail about the things I would want to do.

Summer project is a program with Campus Crusade that sends people to different locations of our own choosing to reach out to people. You can get full detail here. Basically we go out and reach out to people while we grow in leadership skills and build friendships. To do this, I would have to raise support by sending out support letters or speaking to people to ask for money. I would definitely have to put my full trust in God through the support raising and know that He will provide. I would also have to think about where I would be going. Some locations I have considered are Santa Monica, Hawaii with Epic, the Middle East, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, or the Blackfeet Indian Reservation.

Santa Monica is the standard one most UCSB students go to. It is eight weeks with Chris Comstock being involved for the first part. Later on, staff will leave it to all the students. In this one I could get a job or go to summer school at the same time. It's the only one I'm considering where you can do that. I've been encouraged by Chris Comstock and many others who have been on it to do this one.

The Epic Hawaii Summer Project is one where we reach out to Asian American students and get to stay on the campus of University of Hawaii. I know some awesome people who have been on it, and I know I can grow more in my identity as an Asian American. Of course, I also have a family reunion in Hawaii and I might leave for a bit to do that, but that probably won't happen since my parents and brothers don't plan on going to that family reunion. It would also be awkward for me to leave project to do that. Well one of the main reasons is to engage in my cultural identity. The location is more of a plus.

The Middle East would probably be the one with the most difficulties. We would be going to a country where the majority is Muslim and where Christians probably face persecution. It would be a great cultural experience as well. I know a few people who have gone and bonded really well with the others on project and the people there. I also think we might visit some Biblical places but I'm not quite sure on that.

Tokyo Summer Project would also be interesting for me. I lived there for three years from fifth grade to seventh grade, and it was the place where I faced some of my toughest times. Jennie led it this year, so I think she's leading next year. The people I know who went on it had an awesome time there, and I think it will be cool to place myself in that culture again. I'm sure I would have to face some tough memories going back, but I know I will enjoy some as well. Oh, and I miss having ramen there.

Australia or New Zealand...to be honest I want to go to them mostly based on location. I don't recall ever going south of the equator as well. I'm sure I will grow in either one anyways.

Finally, the Blackfeet Indian Reservation. It's definitely the cheapest one I picked and is only five weeks. I've taken an interest in Native American cultures in the last few years, so I think it will definitely be awesome to put myself there. I would also like to learn more about the Blackfeet and interact with them. It is definitely one of the more interesting ones I would like to experience but have never actually been a part of.

Those are the projects I am most interested in. It will definitely be tough, but I know I will probably grow a lot in any of them. Even if I go on summer project, I know I can still go back home or to Isla Vista afterwards.

Staying in Isla Vista would probably be good too. I want to get involved in the prayer movement as mentioned earlier, and I definitely think being an intercessor can be effective. I would probably be involved with summer Real Life and continue to attend IVC. Living in IV would definitely be an interesting experience since I've been living in the dorms. I would be able to attend summer school at UCSB, and I could look for a job. I'd probably become more independent by living away from my family. I mostly want to stay to be a part of the 24/7 prayer in the prayer shed and hopefully see it grow.

Finally, I could just stay home. I'd most likely do community college again, but my parents think getting an internship would be a good idea as well. I already talked to Pastor Aaron about possibly being a leader at T4 during the summer. T4 was the youth group I had been a part of since 8th grade. I would also still go to Wildfire, another youth group on Monday nights. They both operate differently with Wildfire being more like IVC, but I still love the kids in them and want to be there for them. I would also be involved with Roots, the young adults group for Valley Christian which T4 is also part of. There is also going to Ian's worship nights at his house. I would definitely be involved in a lot of things if I stayed home. If I went to summer project, I could still do most of these except being a leader at T4 which would require I be at home all summer.

Now that I'm done explaining most of my options, I can go on talking about how God has opened some doors. A couple days ago, my family visited me at UCSB on their way down to LA. In the car, my parents asked what I planned on doing next summer. I explained summer project to them. I remember last summer when I told them that summer project is like a missions trip and my parents were disappointed. At the time, my mom asked if I planned on staying single my whole life because she was afraid I would become a monk. This time they asked what summer project was again and I said it was like missions. They asked how I would do that, and I told them I would have to raise support by asking people. My parents fears about me doing it is that I want to become a pastor in the future and that I won't be able to go to graduate school. I explained that just because people go on summer project doesn't mean that they want to become a pastor. Later on in the conversation my dad says he'll support me in choosing whatever I do as long as it helps me go to grad school. I definitely saw how God opened my parents' hearts a bit to it, but now I have to explain how it would get me to grad school.

To my surprise, my mom also asked if I wanted to go to summer school at UCSB. This came up because of a conversation about getting into relationships. I've definitely told her I am fine being single and I don't need to have a girlfriend. I feel like she thinks I will get into one for some reason if I stayed in Santa Barbara. God definitely opened her heart about me staying in Isla Vista since I remember her as being someone who wants me to be at home when it's not the regular school year.

Prayers are definitely working, but I would like anyone to pray with me more about opening my parents' hearts to whatever I do next summer. I also need prayer about what I will do next summer. In any of the cases I listed above, I know I will continue to grow. I will definitely be seeking God even more.

This is probably my longest post in a while so until next time...
Kenneth

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Well it is Thanksgiving and I'm back home with my cousins and aunt from Taiwan while my family is down in LA for a tennis tournament. I didn't have a traditional turkey dinner, but I had hot pot instead where you have a pot with soup over a fire to cook whatever you want to put in. I guess it's better than getting a ghetto Thanksgiving dinner by going to Denny's for the third year in a row. Even if I didn't get the kind of Thanksgiving I would like, I'm still thankful for a lot.

I'm definitely thankful for God and all He has done with my life. I'm thankful for my family who, although is not perfect, still love me. I'm thankful that I still have a home to go to, and I sure am thankful that I can live comfortably. I feel blessed to have so many amazing friends either back home or down in Santa Barbara. I am thankful to even be alive, and that's something I give full credit to God for because there was a chance I wouldn't even be born!

I was watching a couple DVDs my dad put old home videos on. It showed me how much my parents love me. Even though I am older now and feel like my parents can be too controlling, I know they think they know what is best for me even if it probably isn't.

I also realized that I was really quiet as a baby compared to my older brother who loved running around and being energetic as a child. Seriously. he liked jumping around making noises and playing with toys while I just watched my surroundings and the only noise I made as a kid was crying because I made a toy fall down one step and couldn't bring it back up. My brother uttered a lot of "words" while riding a toy car trying to make it go fast while I didn't know how to play with it and probably had more interest in the camera. In a way, we are kind of like we were back as toddlers. He grew up to be the kind of person who talks a lot and is the athlete since he plays tennis. I'm still the guy who can be quiet when I'm in a new place surrounded by strangers. I obviously still like to look at my surroundings, and I guess I got my interest in film from my parents filming me as a child. We definitely changed a lot over the years through having different experiences. Even then, I know my older brother probably still cares about me like he did when we were little. Makes me feel kind of sad I don't call them often when I'm in Santa Barbara...

Well I'm definitely bringing the home videos down before Christmas break since it's only two weeks away and I watched Justin Huntsman's right before break. You should totally do that too if you have home videos and I know you from SB. I'm sure it will be tons of fun watching each other as children.

Thanksgiving today is not the same as it was originally intended...you should look into the history of it. We tend to think of the one occasion where Puritans and Native Americans have a meal together and not the rest where it is not that friendly. I kind of wish I went up to Round Valley with a family I know to feed the poor who live there. It would definitely be an interesting experience to have dinner with Native Americans there.

Really the main point of this post is to be thankful for what you have. God has been teaching me to be more thankful recently and not just because it is Thanksgiving. I hope you are feeling thankful about a lot of things and not just thinking of this as a day where you get to pig out on food. I'm actually planning on making another post right now on a different subject, so until then...

Happy Thanksgiving!
Kenneth

Cliques...Why Do They Exist?

Earlier today (or should I say yesterday since it's past midnight) I decided to read 1 Corinthians 12 while I was in the prayer shed. Verses 12 to 31 talk about unity and diversity in the body. "Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ...Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many."

I know that God gave each of us different gifts. I even remember during Jesus Culture how one of the speakers talked about how denominations should exist because there's no way anyone can get it perfect. Each denomination may get some things right and some things wrong. Even with differences, we should still be united and love each other as we all love Jesus and believe he died on the cross for us. Still, why are we separated into cliques? This is something I wonder sometimes...especially when people mention their existence.

It's funny how I read it earlier in the afternoon, then later at night Katie Klezek brought that part up in a conversation. She asked me if I noticed how everyone is separated into cliques since I tend to hang out at both the Plex and Jesus Burgers house a lot. I love visiting both a lot. They have different things to offer. It is kind of like how I go to two completely different churches back home or how I go to both Reality and IVC here in Santa Barbara. To be honest, I feel like I have noticed the cliques. Sometimes I will hear people from IVC talk about how uncomfortable they feel about Real Life or how Real Life people do not want to go to IVC because it is not their thing.

Even if you don't feel comfortable going to the other, shouldn't you still love on them if they visit? I recently noticed how whenever I go to Real Life, how the IVC students will separate into their little group in the back left corner. In the same way, I noticed how there aren't that many Real Life people who help out at Jesus Burgers and when they do come, they only talk to certain people. I find that kind of sad, "kind of" being an understatement.

I realize that Real Life is supposed to be a group to reach out to newer Christians or non-Christians, so people who are stronger in their faith may not feel like they grow from growing. I also realize that IVC may be too "intense" for people who don't normally attend just because of the way they operate. However, those aren't very good reasons to not talk to each other very much.

I don't want you to think I'm judging you right now, nor do I want you to think I'm trying to guilt trip you to going to the other more. I'm just saying you should still respect the other functions you are not a part of, and love on the people if you happen to see them at your thing or even outside. Invite people you don't normally talk to to coffee or dinner or something. Get to know them better. Verse 27 says, "Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

I want you to know that as a brother in Christ, I love you. No matter how differently you live out your faith, I love you. Even if you aren't a believer, I love you. I dislike cliques, and that's why I choose to love on everyone.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Halloween Week, Inheritance and Identity Conference, etc...

I don't think this post will have a specific focus. It's just summarizing what has been going on with me lately.

On November 3rd while I was in the prayer shed, I flipped into two different parts of the Bible randomly. They landed on Psalm 22 and Isaiah 53, both prophetic words about Jesus and what he went through on the cross. What amazes me was I didn't plan on where I opened the Bible to; those chapters just happened to come up. It totally reminded me of how awesome the Bible can be...especially since those books were written many years before the birth of Jesus.

These past two weeks have been pretty crazy. I feel like I'm going through a season of prayer. The last week of October, there was 24/7 prayer in the prayer shed for Halloween. I pretty much went everyday. It was definitely a great experience where I got to spend quiet time with God, read the Bible, being encouraged by people's entries in the prayer journal, worship, and even trying a couple times at prophetic art. Definitely surprised that I don't draw as badly as I thought...I loved how God used that time to give me peace. I also got interpretation on my spiritual language and I found that to be awesome. I've learned to love the broken even more this year, and I learned to love the homeless more and interact with them more. If you want and are able to, you can walk into the prayer shed behind the Jesus Burgers house and I'm sure you can read my entries in the prayer journal.

During this last weekend, I went to the Inheritance and Identity Conference IVC held. It was definitely encouraging and awesome to meet about 40 people from IHOP Kansas City. It was also cool to hear about a couple of them having interacted with people I knew back home. Some things I have been learning with this conference going on it even more are that my main call is to be God's son and that to love is to sacrifice. It has definitely encouraged me since I have been worried off and on about what I'm "called" to do. It's great to know that I don't have to worry because I am God's son and he will help me get to where I need to be. It also taught me that there's still a lot about love I need to learn about.

The prayer time I got to do with friends from IVC and the people of IHOP was amazing. I got "drunk" in the spirit multiple times during the weekend. At the same time, there were times where I feel attacked by my flesh when I wasn't spending time in prayer. Through this, I learned to share more about myself.

I had been sharing my personal testimony quite a few times this year. In the past, I never really shared it mostly because I was afraid it wasn't that great and because not many people really asked. I feel like I'm going through a season where I am becoming a lot more open than I used to. It has been great spending one on one time with different people and sharing my testimony. At the same time, it is great getting encouragement about it as well. I actually plan on sharing my testimony next Monday with freshmen and sophomore men of Real Life during our "Manliest Man Group of All Man Time" meeting. Definitely want to pray that God leads me in what I say and that it will build the others up to have a closer relationship to Him.

It has been a blessing to hang out with IHOP students and to pray with them. I love how they have a heart for God and the time they sacrifice committed to prayer. It was interesting to find that they are encouraged by us because we live in IV and that they feel they would fall if they were in an environment like this. I'm glad we could encourage them, but I still feel like they were a blessing to us as well.

About two nights ago, one of the IHOP students told me to share Isaiah 60:1-5 with the rest of IVC. Since everyone in the room was in prayer and getting drunk off the spirit, I only told one person at the time. However, last night I showed up to IHOP's prayer meeting with Pastor Jason and a few other IVC people in there. During that time, I remembered that I was supposed to share it, and so I read it out loud even though there weren't that many people from IVC. After the prayer meeting, one of the IHOP guys came up to me and told me he saw me as a preacher and commented on the way I spoke. I've definitely never saw myself as a preacher or even a good speaker, so I tried reminding him that someone else told me to share it. He then tells me that that doesn't matter because God still used me to repeat it. I was encouraged by it, but had doubts about being a good speaker due to being socially awkward especially when I speak in front of people. However, a few minutes later, my friend Michelle told me she got a vision for me. She told me that while I was reading out of Isaiah 60, she saw me as a completely different person speaking powerfully in front of a crowd. She was part of the crowd and did not recognize me at first, but she realized it was me. Then she saw through my eyes and saw a large crowd. She then tells me that if I continue to seek God, He will transform me from a socially awkward person to a powerful speaker. I was stunned hearing that, and I had no idea how to respond. She then told me that I should not fear that my testimony is not good enough or fear that people will ignore me. She then prayed boldness over me that I may be able to share my testimony and be brave enough to speak.

Having two people telling me they see me as a speaker hit me hard because I would never see myself as one nor did I ever felt the desire to become one. I've only had a moment where I thought it would be cool to pray over large crowds, and that happened when I was at Jesus Culture and I saw my friend Brandon Smith on stage praying over everyone there. If that is what God wants from me, I pray that he will open my heart to it and open doors because it sounds so cool. I also want to pray that my parents hearts will open to it because I know they are totally against it and want me to get into the business world to become successful according to the world's standards. There is still fear in my heart that my parents will disown me for disobeying or dishonoring them. I definitely know God will provide even if my family never talks to me again, but that fear still has some hold that I want released.

Honestly, I didn't think I'd make this long of a post. I feel kind of narcissistic for mostly talking about myself, but I guess the purpose of the blog is to see how God continually changes me. If you feel like this blog post isn't glorifying God, I apologize because I know I am flawed and I can sometimes focus too much on myself. I pray that in whatever I do, I do it to glorify Him. In conclusion, I hope you are doing well in Him too.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Feeling Blessed Lately

God loves us so much. That's what I have been getting during Sophomore/Freshmen worship night tonight. This post is not going to be about how I keep noticing my flaws. Instead, it will focus more on how much God loves us.

Earlier during the afternoon, I attended IV Church. One of the things Pastor Jason mentioned was examples of being a father. Even during worship, I noticed a kid running around while his dad lovingly watched him. He asked if it was alright for his kid to be on my longboard and I told him I didn't mind. Watching the man love his son got me thinking about how much God loves us as his children. We may do things that we may get in trouble for, but God is watching us.

Tonight's worship had been an amazing experience because I spent most of it listening to God instead of worrying about a lot of things that do not matter. My prayer was basically asking to glorify Him in everything I do. I felt God was speaking to me during the worship time. In my mind, I heard, "Look at the ocean and the moon reflecting off it. This is my gift to you." I also felt blessed to be in Santa Barbara where I am right next to the beach. I love listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, and sometimes I even like the smell of the sea. I am blessed with a community of other Christians who love God. I probably don't even deserve all the things I have, yet I'm blessed to have them.

Tonight, I called Him "daddy" a lot. To be honest, I don't use that term a lot...at least not since I was a child. I just call my own father "dad" because I find it weird to call him "daddy" as I got older. Yet, I've been calling God by the name "daddy" a lot during worship. I totally saw myself as a child, and He was watching over me.

Also, since there had been lots of birthdays recently, I thought about how I don't really get gifts during mine...at least none I can remember. I know, that's a selfish thing to think of. Yet during worship, I realized God gave me a gift greater than anything I could ever receive from any human, and that is the gift of life. Each year is another year of experiences. I'm blessed to even be alive. It's strange how I don't usually think about that. I even remembered how my mom told me she wanted to abort me when my dad convinced her not to. To be alive now is a miracle if I think about it. I do feel sad for a couple siblings that were never born because they were miscarried or aborted. God gave me the gift of life, and that's a gift that can never be beaten by other people. For that I am thankful.

I know I used the word "blessed" a lot in this post, but that's exactly how I feel right now. There's so much in my life that I take for granted. Thinking about this, I realize how much God loves us. I really felt like writing about this. I would actually like to write more on this, except I don't know what else to write. In everything you do, know that He is watching over us.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Power of Words

Remember when kids would say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? That's a lie. No matter how hard you try, words will always affect you in some way.

Before coming back to Santa Barbara, I remember attending a youth group called Wildfire, and the youth pastor named Todd talked about the power of words. They can help, but they can also cause harm. That is probably common sense; however, did you ever consider how they can affect you spiritually? I remember hearing about an example from some reality tv show I have never watched. Apparently some girl decided to wear clothes she loved, and when her mother criticized the clothes privately, the girl ended up feeling bad the rest of the day. I find it interesting that someone would feel negatively from something not said in front of her.

Remember Matthew 21? In that chapter Jesus went up to a fig tree to look for fruit because he was hungry. Since he found nothing except leaves, Jesus said, "May you never bear fruit again!" The tree immediately withered. Jesus then tells his disciples that if they believed and had no doubt, they will receive whatever they ask in prayer.

I still need to accept that words can be powerful. Sometime during the first week of being back in Santa Barbara, I decided to go to the prayer shed for some quiet time. As I sat on one of the couches, I decided to open the Bible up to a random page. I flipped to Proverbs 12. When I got to verse 18, it said "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." It really seems like God has been teaching me about the power of words recently. I've been trying to make sure the things I had been saying are encouraging.

On Monday, I decided to meet up with Ian. During our meeting, he pointed out that he feels I need to set my priorities straight. Honestly, I had been feeling the same thing for a bit. Although I knew he was right in a lot of what he had to say, I still felt down about it. That night, I decided to go back into the prayer shed for some quiet time. I never really do it in my room because I know I will either be distracted by my laptop sitting on my desk or by thoughts that I might bother people by praying out loud when that should not be an issue at all. During that quiet time, I used it to ask God to change my heart so that it would be at the right place. I had to submit myself while I was alone in the room. What does that have to do with words being powerful? Well, I found that actually praying out loud helped a lot with putting my focus on God. I focused more on talking to Him instead of wondering about other things. It was one of those moments where I felt a release of stress.

Right now, I would like to ask you to pray that God would break me down to the point that I put all my trust in Him. I believe prayer helps because there's power in it. I pray that you may realize what you say can have a great effect on others. I apologize if this seems disorganized as all my posts are done in one shot without much planning and organizing.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Struggles During Worship...

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who gets distracted by thoughts during worship. My mind sometimes wonder elsewhere, or I might doze off if I sit down during it. It's not fun when it happens because when I worship, I want all my focus to be on God and not on things that don't matter.

For example, last Sunday was like a worship day for me. In the morning the service at Reality Carpenteria was mostly a time of worship. Then there was worship at IV Church in the afternoon. Finally, I went to the worship night Ian does every week for our class. Needless to say, during each time of worship, I would be distracted by a thought instead of my heart being completely into it.

In the morning, I was pretty tired. I also felt conscious about how I worshiped and wondered what others would think if I went all out during worship. As a result, I didn't dance in worship nor did I feel completely surrendered to God. I felt some guilt over that when I know I probably shouldn't. I should have probably directed my thoughts back to how awesome God is.

Later in the afternoon, I decided to attend IVC since I was done with homework and wanted to go there more often. I felt myself drifting off at the beginning of service. When there was a worship set at the end of the service, I was distracted by the time. Ironically, I was in a rush for it to end because I wanted to go to our class's worship night. It wasn't a very good reason to get distracted by the time since I would have been using the time to worship God either way. It is still pretty ridiculous that I would want to finish worship earlier when God would much rather have my heart in complete surrender to Him.

That night during our Sophomore worship night, we went to the small park area across the street from Jesus Burgers. I thought it would be a good time to put all my focus on God. Again, I get distracted. This time, I was worried about what the people who lived in the houses we were between would think. It is a small thing to worry about, and I'm sure they don't mind. However, my thoughts wondered on whether the people were judging us. I know what others think of us worshiping does not matter. It is sad that I would think about that instead of devoting my time and thoughts in worship.

Looking at these situations, I can say I need a lot more patience. God delights in our worship. I should not be worried about the things going on, what others think, or whether I should be doing something else. I want to surrender myself to God when I worship. It's something I think would be nice for you guys to pray for.

Until next time,
Kenneth

A Quick Preview...

Okay this will be my shortest post ever since I have so many things I want to write about but want to separate them into different posts. I will work on them when I have time, but I really need sleep.

1. The power of the words you speak.
2. 9/26/10 - the day full of worship and my distracting struggles during worship
3. 5 Love Languages :P
4. Just some thoughts on the death of someone from 3 years ago...
5. Any other topic I might come up with that I can't think of right now.

Comment if you want me to post a specific topic before the others.

Until I actually update...
Kenneth

Jesus Didn't Tap

Interesting fact I learned recently: Jason David Frank, the guy who played Tommy from Power Rangers, has a line of Mixed Martial Arts clothing called "Jesus Didn't Tap". Why do I think it's cool? Because Tommy was my childhood hero and I think it's interesting that he would start a Christian clothes line. I only found out about it when I saw him wearing a shirt at a panel and decided to search the phrase up.

In the mixed martial arts world, to tap means to quit or give up. The Jesus Didn't Tap website says, "The message of the Jesus Didn't Tap line is that Jesus didn't quit after going through unimaginable suffering and pain when he was crucified on the cross." While searching more about it I came across a blog that talked about it. That blog said, "And while they are correct that Jesus didn't give up due to pain, they seem to overlook the fact that Jesus' crucifixion was essentially an act of submission."

What's the point of this post? I have no idea yet, but I feel like I should get something from it. I think it's interesting how the pastor said Jesus basically had to give up himself to save all of us meaning he did tap. However, I feel Jesus at the same time didn't give up on giving himself up, therefore he didn't tap. I think the statement is like a paradox. It's kind of like saying, "This sentence is false." Would that sentence be false or true? Jesus didn't quit on giving himself up to save us all.

This morning, I decided to go to my high school's chapel. The principal used trapeze as an analogy and asked if we trust in God to help us get from one bar to the other. He talked about how a lot of people will stay on the one they started out on or let go an fall. Do we trust God enough to grab on to the next one? He called out on some people to describe where they are, and I was surprised to hear a student on chapel leadership talk about how she is having some doubts, but wants to be open about God. She admits to having spiritual highs before, but some things are making her doubt like the fact that there are non-Christians who seem to have better morals than some Christians.

Since she's going to be open about that, I might as well be more open too. There are times where I do wonder if God is real or not. I'm sure all Christians go through that. However, there are times where I wonder if I am an actual Christian or a fake. Sometimes I wonder if I am a fake Christian that's so good about lying about my faith that I convinced myself I am a real Christian when I'm not. I certainly hope I am not a fake Christian, and I definitely want my faith to be completely real. It's just that sometimes I have a fear that I might be lying to myself about being a Christian without knowing it. I definitely want to be a Christian that's on fire for God and am unashamed to worship. Jesus didn't tap on his mission to save us, so I should not give up on my faith.

Last night, after a few of the leaders from my youth group T4 prayed for me, Pastor Jason told me how he saw me on a diving board and how in the next year I have opportunities to do greater things in my faith or something along those lines. I forgot what he specifically said, but I remember him saying it's my choice whether I want to dive into my faith or back out. I certainly don't want to quit, and I want to dive in. However, I wonder how I know when the time comes where I will have to choose it. I do not want to quit since Jesus didn't quit on us.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Mind or Heart?

"I know it with my mind... So why does my heart disagree?"

That's the status my friend Malory has on facebook at the moment. It's a question I ask myself often. When I replied to the status, I said, "Because sometimes the heart desires something completely different from what the mind knows." It may be a cliche answer or even seem like a repeat of the question, but the heart does have desires. Those desires may be good, but they can be bad as well. We might covet something we were never supposed to get, or we may be tempted to do something incredibly stupid. That's why I usually try acting out of my mind's reasoning over what I want to do.

An issue I'm sure I've had for a while can relate to this. To be honest, it's a topic I don't really like talking about except to a few trusted people which I might even go into more detail with. Besides a period of time this summer, I would keep having crushes on girls for the longest time. I'm sure most, if not all, people may struggle with crushes, but whenever I have one, it would last for a long period of time. It's an issue I dislike dealing with. My heart might tell me to get into a relationship with them, but my mind tells me it probably won't work out and God already knows who I'm going to marry in the future anyways. In this case, my mind always wins because I feel I shouldn't be messing around with dating if God already has someone planned out for me.

You might ask "how do you know who God wants you to marry" which I might answer with "I don't know". Honestly, the only thing I know to do about this issue is to be patient about it. When the time comes, it comes. As for now, it will be an issue I struggle with in my thoughts.

However, I think there are times where the heart may be right over the mind. Look at Daisy Love. When her tumor came back, the doctor said that she had less than 50% chance of surviving. Yet we continued praying about it through our hearts, and God answered those prayers. Daisy Love is doing much better now and they can now easily operate to remove the tumor. It's amazing to see how much God worked with one girl.

Then there are issues that could be considered minor where I have no idea what to do. One part of me wants to rush for AGO again, but another says that I probably won't have the commitment needed to be in it. I question whether it's a good idea for me to try again, and I wonder if my reasons for wanting to join are good enough. I know that I can still be friends with them without having to be a member, but I think it would be nice to be part of it too. It's something I'm still praying about and still don't have an answer to.

It's really hard to make decisions when the mind tells you one thing but the heart wants something else. That is why I usually try praying about them. Even then I still feel like I don't have an answer. Maybe I should be more patient about these issues. What are your thoughts?

Until next time,
Kenneth

Being Attacked...

A quote I sometimes hear is "If you don't have enemies in life you have never stood up for anything" by Winston Churchill.

I don't know if I have any direct enemies who are people. Does that mean I never stood up for anything? It is a question that may bother me for a while.

I'm one of those people who actually reads comments after videos or articles. I also read debates on forums once in a while. Whenever it's something about God or Christians in general, I feel attacked by many of the posters who don't believe in the same thing. Granted, I never post so they do not know of my existence, so they aren't really "direct enemies". Still, I feel attacked when they portray Christians as "unintelligent" or other terms which I don't feel like typing out and the ones defending Christianity are the type of people who don't really back up their claims or post in a manner that make them seem like "noobs".

Recently, I watched a video about "The Call", which is a movement of fasting and prayer for change in the nation. There was one up in Sacramento during the weekend from September 3rd to the 4th which I knew many people from back home went to and even a few friends from Santa Barbara. I wanted to go, but had to stay home to take care of my cousins. Anyways, I decided to read the comments on a Youtube video about it and I see a lot of hate for it. People claim that Lou Engle, the speaker, is a gay-hater who supports Uganda's bill on killing gays and lesbians. After some research, I found out he doesn't actually support the bill for killing them, and I was watching the live feed when he talked about loving the people who are gay but not the act. Still, I was bothered that people actually think he supports killing gays when that's not true. It was an assumption based on some articles I found.

There are other comments that talk about it being a cult or some other stuff. I definitely feel bothered when I read all those comments. At the same time, I realize that God never promised our lives would be comfortable if we followed Him. I remember back in Jesus Culture, one of the talks was about how God doesn't need us to defend Him. The only thing I can do right now is try to love these people and accept that I will continue to be attacked in different ways. I'm not sure if what others say about believers should bother me this much.

You know how in media with superheroes, many will talk about how enemies will get to them through loved ones right? In the same way, Satan tries to attack God by attacking us, His children.

I definitely witnessed that tonight while I was at youth group. I might get some detail wrong because I didn't notice what was happening until later on. There was a girl named Kim who walked in completely fine and healthy. Apparently during youth group, while she was in the bathroom, she fell unconscious or something. While students were giving testimonies about how God had been working recently, my youth pastor interrupts and tells us to pray for her. She was having trouble breathing, coughing into a bowl, and crying a lot because of pain. Everyone had to give some space for her while we stopped our service to pray for her. I definitely felt some fear at first, but I realize that's what the enemy wants. The Holy Spirit definitely brought peace to the people praying. After the ambulance arrived, the guy told us to leave the room. We all went to the lounge.

While continuing to pray for her, we started worshiping God as well. Honestly it was the first time in a while I could pray and worship without being distracted a lot by my own thoughts. It was amazing to see every teenager in the youth group doing this. Do you know of many youth groups that would continue worshiping and praying when an attack like this occurs? There was joy through this even though we were just attacked. No matter what bad things Satan tries to throw at us, God will turn something good out of it.

I guess what I should have learned from this is that if I ever feel attacked, I should leave it to God and continue worshiping and praying. He can handle all things. He does do the impossible.

I definitely feel like throwing a Bible verse somewhere in here for support, but I can't think of any out of the top of my head. I guess I can apply the fruits of the spirit to this; afterall, joy and peace did show up and they are fruits of the spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

I guess you could also say some of the others showed up like love and patience. I definitely didn't organize this as I'm writing this last minute for the past hour out of the top of my head.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Update (5:24 9/7/10): "Hi Everyone,

If you were at Wildfire you're probably wondering about the girl, Kimberly Walker, who had such a violent asthma attack last night. She was rushed to Kaiser where they x-rayed her chest and gave her air. The x-rays turned out showing everything normal and Kim is doing great today.

I can't tell you, enough, just how amazing you were last night when this was all happening. Your intercession for Kim and how you ended up worshiping in the cafe when the paramedics arrive was astounding!!!! ASTOUNDING!!! What maturity! What love!!!

Misha had a word that this was going to be another turning point for us. That our staying firm to pray will cause it to be that attacks like this will not be able to even make it through our door.

What a great night, after all. If you know Kim...or don't...I encourage you to send encouragement her way. She's Kalyssa's friend, so you can get more details from her.

Bless you all!!

Todd"

Need a Little More Silence...

The title is something I don't usually tell myself. In fact, I get distracted by so many things. I'm the type of person who loves to have fellowship. As a result, I don't usually have quiet time which is something I probably need.

In our culture, there is a lot of noise that goes on in the background even if we don't pay enough attention to care. People listen to music with ear buds or they are blasting it through speakers, phones ring, a lot of chit chat going on, and the noise technology makes in general. It's hard to find silence in our society.

Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God". If you know me well enough, you know that I tend to rush. That would be the opposite of being still.

I remember being challenged to find some quiet time and try to listen for God. Have I actually gotten to that? No. As stated earlier, I tend get distracted. I probably distract myself more than anything. The last time I tried to have quiet time was when I went to IHOP East Bay a couple weeks ago (Note: House of Prayer, not House of Pancakes). They put up audio from the service going on in IHOP Kansas City at the time and I think I was one of two people in the room. I failed because I ended up falling asleep on one of the benches.

I find it harder to force myself into quiet time at home as well. I have plenty of time to do it, but I usually end up on facebook chat, youtube, playing games, listening to music, and running errands. All of those except the last one should not stop me from getting quiet time, but I distract myself with those anyways. While these outside influence can be distracting, I find my inner thoughts even more distracting sometimes. When I have plenty of time to meditate on God and seek Him, I end up thinking about life or entertainment. For example, lately I've been thinking a lot about an episode of Pokemon that's supposed to come out this week. While I know Ash is probably going to lose to the trainer with a legendary Pokemon in the semi-finals, I tend to speculate about the results of it. That leads me to read a whole bunch of discussions for it online. There are other shows I think about as well, but in the end I know they aren't helping with me trying to find quiet time.

Tonight during worship night, I learned that fellowship can also be distracting. It was right after the worship ended and I was talking to Ryan Frank and his friends. I told them about how I'm trying to cram a lot of meetings before summer ends. I like to meet up with people to see how they are doing with the Lord, and it's great to hear testimonies as well. After I mention that I was trying to meet lots of people, the group starts telling me that while fellowship can be a good thing, too much fellowship is bad. It means I rely too much on people and not enough on God. It would eventually lead me down to a not so great place. Hearing that, I thought about how I distract myself with people as well. I also notice how when I was in Santa Barbara I tended to surround myself with people that I didn't really get much quiet time. It was then that I decided to write on this topic.

I need to get myself to have quiet time to be still and listen for God. While I feel it will be much harder once I go back to Santa Barbara, I definitely need encouragement to find quiet time there too. It's always nice to have fellowship, but too much can be bad. I guess too much of anything can be bad.

Right now, I feel like the easiest way to get some quiet time would be to go somewhere without much technology and start praying. Camping on my own or with only a few people would fit in that description. A good place to go to in the middle of nowhere would be Twaine Hart. It would be nice to go back to the cabin and meditate in His word. It would also be a good place to find a spot and just start worshiping and praying on my own. It might be safer to bring a few people along as well, but it might be counterproductive to do this with lots of people. Obviously I don't know if I can pay to stay at the cabin in Twaine Hart on my own. I don't even know if I have time to do that. I guess anywhere that is in the middle of nowhere could work. It's not necessary, but I find it much easier when I can isolate myself. It worked up in Redding.

Well, I guess I am done with this post. I'm surprised that I'm even updating.

Until next time,
Kenneth

To expand on the word I gave to Sarah at Wildfire...

Okay, so tonight at Wildfire I gave Sarah Souza a word about there going to be changes once she goes to college and that it's kind of like pizza. I'm pretty sure when I was talking, I was doing it too quickly so I am sure she didn't understand what I was saying. Ergo, I am going to expand on it in this post. It can apply to anyone who is starting college.

So you know how you can add toppings to pizza right? Well some toppings can be good for you, and some can be bad for you. You get what you take in. Same thing happens in college. For example, say if I were to put a lot of frosting and cinnamon on the pizza to make cinnabread, it can be really tasty. However, it can also be unhealthy especially if you eat too much of it. There will be a lot of things that come your way where you should decide "yes" or "no". Whatever choice you make, it affects how you change.

Whatever choices you make, remember that God will always love you. I can see Him using you in the school you are going to, and I can see you making a big impact there. You will affect people you come in contact with. You should also get some friends who can help you keep accountable.

This is all for now. It's quite a short post, and although it's directed at someone, I'm sure other people can take from it. That is all for now.

Until next time,
Kenneth

Understanding Other's Pain...

This post is rather spontaneous...I decided to write one after reading a tribute to a guy I have never met. I guess this can also be seen as a continuation to last night's post, which kind of touches upon this although I was trying to emphasize on making an impact. It's kind of a subject I think God has also been putting on my heart recently. He knows everything we go through: all our struggles, all our pain, all the emotions we go through. It's something we as humans would never understand.

If you watch Naruto and do not want to be spoiled about the next episode due to not having seen it or read it, I say avoid this paragraph. I just watched the latest episode of Naruto from Japan where Naruto decides to listen to Nagato's story about how he eventually became Pain. This happens after Naruto defeats the Six Paths of Pain and finds out he was taught by the same person. Pain asked Naruto how he plans on bringing peace to the ninja world when their master could not come up with an answer, so Naruto decides to listen to his story before deciding what he would do. Basically Nagato became Pain from two experiences, the death of his parents by the hands of Konoha ninja and the death of his best friend Yahiko. The latter incident made me feel sad because Nagato was put in a situation where he either kills Yahiko or his other friend Konan dies. As Nagato held up a kunai given to him, Yahiko runs over and kills himself then tells Nagato to save himself and Konan. I'd obviously won't know what it's like to be in that situation since I'm not in the middle of a war. It does make me curious about how I'd react if I were put in a situation like that.

Now that I'm done tying an anime to the subject, I'm going to talk about situations that actually happen in life. My struggles I talked about in my last post: they are probably nothing compared to the suffering many others go through. I might not have even hit rock bottom...but I might not notice since I can be so naive.

To reference someone from my last post, there's that one girl who is bullied by her younger sister and grandmother. She is the one who has to take care of her grandmother since her mom has to work a lot, her dad is in Mexico, and her 15 year old sister is pregnant. She also has to work, go to school when it starts, and her best friend died less than a year ago. Through that she still believes in God and finds reasons to smile.

Then there is my friend Anthony. I've never actually met him in real life, but we became friends online when I was in 5th grade. We both "met" when we wrote fan fiction for Smash Bros. on a forum. Right now, I can honestly say I'm probably not a good writer...at all. Meanwhile, he is talented in that area, and he is very imaginative. However, for the last few years he has had struggles in school and with family life. I already knew he was not enjoying life at school even in his senior year, but I never knew he had a problem at home as well. It was last week I found out he had an older brother. How did I find out? Well...his facebook status announced his brother just died from a drug overdose.

The reason I decided to write a blog post for the second night in a row was because I just read Anthony's tribute to his brother. Just from reading the long blog post, I learned a lot about both him and his brother, both people I have never actually met. From what I've read, Anthony wasn't as close to his brother as he wanted to be because of his brother's drug problem. Although his brother decided to take him on a trip to New York, he drugged himself behind Anthony's back. He also sold 15 of Anthony's games without letting Anthony know. Anthony was angered by it, but he still cared about his brother. The last time he saw his brother, his brother decided to play Goldeneye for the N64 like they used to. The last thing his brother ever said to him was a text saying he was glad he could help Anthony with figuring out the bus schedule.

"Even after all of the horrible things Michael had done to me and my family, even after all of the suffering and guilt and pain he went through, he still loved me. He was looking out for me. Like a big brother should."

One thing Anthony regrets is that they would never have a chance to improve their relationship.

When I read his post, I felt sad for him. At the same time, I know I don't really understand how he really feels since I've never been through something like that. It definitely makes me appreciate my family, and I feel blessed that I am not going through suffering like that right now. However, I am curious about what life would be like if I were in a similar situation. Would I be the same person as I am now? I know God has different plans for everyone, and I feel like he gave me a heart that wants to sympathize with people going through harder times than I am. However, I know I can't fully understand what others are going through. The best thing I know I can do is give words of condolences and pray for them.

Until next time...maybe I can actually write a post about stuff I learn instead of mostly giving examples...
Kenneth

Making an Impact...Part II?

This topic has been on my mind a lot quite recently. It came up when I was listening to Casey and DJ back in Redding, Pastor Aaron spoke to T4 about how we ignore people not in our cliques in high school, and I've had this desire to watch "To Save a Life" recently. What helped me decide to actually write a post about this topic was the fact I realized I haven't posted much this summer and because Ian Charbonnet has a recent blog post about this subject.

It's funny...lots of people have made an impact on me, yet I never thought about talking too much about the subject. I realized while I was still at UCSB, I made a short blog post about it. That isn't much and it was mostly asking myself whether I have made an impact. Whether I do or don't, I do not know. If I do, I should definitely be giving God credit for moving me to do so in the first place.

Anyways, Pastor Aaron basically spoke about how in high school, we usually talk to people in our own little group of friends yet ignore the ones who don't really have any. While he was talking about that, it made me think back to high school. It reminded me about how I didn't really have a specific group of friends. I liked to talk to everyone, but I don't think I really hung out with anyone too much outside of school or youth group. As a result, sometimes I felt I didn't have any real friends when I probably did. The only people I really talked to were people from youth group, and I still didn't reveal too much about myself. At the same time, going to youth group really opened the shell I put myself in when I was in junior high. With that said, I ask myself whether I had been ignoring people who might not have many friends. It's definitely something I should work on even more.

As I have said earlier, recently I have had the desire to watch a movie called "To Save a Life". It's basically a Christian movie about a popular guy who witnesses his friend commit suicide with a gun at school. Then he decides to change himself and make an impact on other people to prevent it from happening again in the future. I can't say I'm entirely accurate on that since I still haven't watched it, but the subject is something that really touches my heart. Even in the past I have tried to tell complete strangers online not to commit suicide when they cry out for help on yahoo answers or mystery google (not mystery missions).

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that in 6th grade I wanted to be part of the popular crowd only to be put down by them and be in denial about that. Maybe it's from possibly considering suicide at that age where I wasn't thinking too clearly. Yes, you must be thinking "6th graders should be playing and having fun instead of worrying about that stuff and thinking about suicide". The truth is I was naive (still am in a certain way), and I thought I wanted to commit suicide because of the hurt I went through from the way people treated me. Honestly, I think lots of people will think I'm a loser for being that way. My thoughts can be completely wrong, but it doesn't matter that much anymore. I've realized God is more important than the people I hang out with, and if they don't accept me for who I am, they aren't my friends.

Even with that conclusion, I still feel like I want to reach out to those who ever thought about suicide. It's sad to hear about it happening. A way to prevent suicide is to reach out to people (even those who aren't even considering suicide). However, as much as I would like to try reaching out to everyone I see, I know it's not possible and there will be times where I'm reluctant to try for whatever reason I have in my head.

There are a couple recent examples where I tried making an impact to complete strangers. I'm not trying to glorify myself in any way, but I want to provide examples to share some things people go through. Last night, I decided to go on mystery missions because I wanted to look for something completely random to do out of boredom. Unfortunately, most missions are from pervy people asking others to send picture texts or other random texts out of boredom. However, I decided to accept missions where people asked to be cheered up.

One person (who later introduced herself as "Natasha") asked to make her smile. I wrote something along the lines of "General squirrel is attempting to take over the world by making people sad, so the brave little platypus is trying to stop him from taking over the world". Natasha then asked how the platypus plans on saving her. I replied that I would listen to whatever she has to say about what was making her sad if she wanted to talk about it. She then talked about how she moved out of her boyfriend of two year's house, then his mom told her that he invited another girl the next night. Basically she's feeling lonely and brokenhearted, and now she's living alone in her dad's apartment while he was out of town. She doesn't have anyone else she could turn to. The best thing I could do was show I was listening by responding. After she said how she was trying to learn to love again, I responded that I believed she will. I also tried to encourage her by saying that she is "loved by someone out there" and that although it might be hard to imagine it, it is true. She then thanked me and told me that I made her feel better.

The second person asked for a funny picture to make her smile, so I texted a picture of "soundboard bear" from the house of prayer in Dublin. On a sticky note in the picture, it said "Beware of soundboard bear...grrrrr". She thanked me for it since it made her feel better, then we've had a conversation for the last 2 days about what she had been going through. Her best friend died in December from cancer, her 15 year old sister is pregnant and says hurtful things to her, her mom is always working, and she has to take some junior classes in her senior year of high school because she was unable to complete some courses due to having to take care of her grandmother all by herself and all the other emotional things she had been going through. What I find encouraging is that she continues to take care of her grandmother even though her grandmother says bad things about her. With all the hardships she goes through, she can still smile while working at Jack-in-the-Box. She also talked about how she used to go to youth group and church until she no longer had a strong faith in church. She said she went to a bunch of churches, but they all turned her off. However, she still believes in Jesus.

I'm hoping I made an impact in these two strangers. I'll continue to pray for them.

It's also interesting to see how Daisy Love is making an impact in many people. As a six year old with cancer, she continues to display an incredible love for God. It's encouraging me, and I start to pray when I think about her situation.

I would definitely like to continue on the topic of making an impact, but it's late and I should get some sleep. I'll end this with a quote from Ian's blog post.

"You leave imprints on those around you, please strive to leave those marks in love." -Ian Charbonnet

Until next time!
Kenneth

Some songs on my mind right now...

Yeah, this post is not really about what I have been learning or a topic I have been thinking. It's just going to be a short update about a couple worship songs in my mind right now.

"Happy Day" is a somewhat old song. I'm not talking about the Gospel song from Sister Act. I guess the one in my mind right now is from Tim Hughes. I remember how it used to be played a LOT in high school chapel my senior year of high school. I like it when it begins with

"the greatest day in history,
death is beaten,
you have rescued me..."

I'm sure anyone reading this might find this song kind of cheesy, but I like the basic feeling of where you should be happy because of what Jesus did on the cross for us.

Another song that I've been hearing a lot of and isn't really getting old for me is "How He Loves". Originally written by John Mark Mcmillan, many people have covered it. The versions that usually play in my head are David Crowder Band or Kim Walker from Jesus Culture. The first few lines are one of my favorite parts of the song.

"He is jealous for me,
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy..."

It reminds me of how fragile we are compared to God. This is a song about, as the title of it says, how he loves us. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking" is another line I find powerful. Finally, there's the line "So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss". Some versions say "unforeseen kiss" instead. I don't see a reason for the change, but I like "sloppy wet kiss better". It feels more like he's a close father. Either way, it doesn't really matter how that line is done. It is still a powerful line in my opinion.

This seems like a filler post, but I just randomly felt like writing about this at 3AM. I should probably get some sleep. If I feel like it, I might edit this post later with more songs.

Until next time!

Jesus Culture and Weekend at Redding

The last half of this week and what has happened during the weekend so far had been amazing. Jesus Culture was an amazing experience. Before I get into detail, I might as well talk about other things that happened over the summer.

I have been going to Ian’s house every Tuesday over the summer for worship nights. One of the nights we went camping, and I had an amazing time worshipping out at Lake Del Valle. That has been one way God had been encouraging me. Daisy Love Merrick’s cancer also came back. Although it is a terrible thing, it encouraged me to pray more often. Reading blog posts for different people on different summer projects has also been encouraging. It is also nice going to both Wildfire and T4 and seeing the teenagers there. I also started attending Roots, the young adults group for Valley Christian.

Preparing to come to Jesus Culture has also been a learning experience. I found out it would start right before I took my finals for my summer cultural anthropology class, so I had to ask if I could take my final early. God provided and I was able to take it the day before leaving for Jesus Culture. Then I had to ask my parents for permission to pay fifty bucks for registration. God gave me the courage to ask, and my mom let me go since I did not have school during it. Then the hardest challenge was to find housing. I asked some friends I knew who attends or attended Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry whether they knew of places to stay. They all said that their friends would be out of town, or in Adam’s case, he is not allowed to house me because of a contract and a roommate. They recommended I stay at Simpson University’s dorm. I called and they were booked. I finally asked a couple people I met while down at UCSB. Kelsey (who went for two quarters) said she could not house me because she would be on vacation. Christa on the other hand was able to let me stay at her grandma’s house. I finally found a place to stay from July 28th to July 31st.

However, I still needed to find a place to stay until August 1st so I could attend Bethel that Sunday. I asked Adam and Misha if they knew of a place. They told me to search Bethel’s site, but since I was not a student of Bethel, I would not be able to find a bulletin. Adam also asked if I could find a place for one of his friends, Alex. As time got closer, I continued to pray about it. On the Sunday night before Jesus Culture, Misha sends a message through facebook chat to me and sent me a couple of contact information for places she found on Bethel’s website. I contact both places, and finally decided Alex and I would stay at this one apartment with two bedrooms. We split the cost so we only had to pay $30 for the 31st to August 1st. The owners even said they usually had a 2-night minimum stay, so I feel blessed to even stay for one night. I also decided to provide a ride for Alex, which some people told me was a huge blessing. While on the way up to Redding, Alex got a call for a place he could stay until the 31st. Through all this, I see how God provides when we ask.

While up in Jesus Culture, I learned quite a lot from the messages. Actually taking notes helped me stay awake through most of it even though I was exhausted by the end. I loved the worship there. I also went on Sundial Bridge Thursday night. From here, I’ll split into paragraphs by sessions.

July 28th, Wednesday night, Lou Engle talked a lot about revival and how we can’t waste our time since we are called to do greater things. He also said that we should care more about how far we can go and not how little we can do. We don’t take prophetic words seriously enough. Lou Engle also said “Let the Bible dictate the doctrine of truth.”

Thursday morning, Jake Hamilton led an awesome worship time. He then talked about how we have bought onto a bunch of lies and that we should worship for God and not for people. One of the things he stated was “If you want to be a great leader, go somewhere worth following.” We need to stop worrying about making people happy and worry about making people holy. He also changed my thinking when he told us that the moment when we think we don’t need denominations is when we are rebellion. It is the same when we think we are right and leadership is wrong. The world does not reject us for laying hands on the sick; it rejects us for not being part of its system. We tend to linger on what people in the past did instead of what we can do. Jake Hamilton talked about how we lead worship in rebellion sometimes because we are afraid that if we make our own worship, others would judge us. We all have our own sound even if it’s not singing. Instead of copying others, we need to make our own sound when we worship. That does not mean to stop singing well known worship songs. If it really expresses what’s in our hearts, we should go for it. God wants worship that brings justice and righteousness. Jake Hamilton’s definition of worship is “sacrifice that displays love”. The words better move you before you put chords into it. Nowadays we base worship on what we like instead of what God was doing. It should not just be “let’s sing songs”. Worship is a mystery, and we would never have intimacy if we just fill in the blanks. There are some other things he goes on about before saying God doesn’t need us to defend Him.

That last part where God doesn’t need us to defend Him was tested on Friday. Brittany, who has been trying hard to defend God on formspring, decided God can handle it. During lunch, we decided to go to Mt. Shasta Mall. Brittany decided we should go pray for a random guy, so when we went over to ask if he needed prayer, he took out a receipt and tried to convince us Jesus didn’t exist because Caesar would have killed him earlier with all the followers he had. Brittany decided that God doesn’t need her to defend Him, so we walked away when he was done talking.

Thursday afternoon was my time to go treasure hunting. I went to Cypress Starbucks/Safeway. I was on a team with the leader of our group in the area. I also met Oleg and Alina, both from Sacramento although Oleg was originally from Russia. It was Oleg and Alina’s first time treasure hunting. I felt that we were supposed to go to Starbucks, so we walked there. On the way there, I thought of a cow, so I wrote down cow. While in there, Oleg noticed a boy drinking milk with a picture of a cow on the carton. We decided to talk to his family, and it turns out they have a ranch. They were in Redding on vacation, so we just prayed for them about that. While in there, Oleg was focused on a guy. When we went out, he thought of “smoking”. Then the man he was focused on earlier came out smoking. We talked to him for a good thirty minutes. Originally he was skeptical about us. He asked why God can’t be a girl and talked about how Bethel people prayed for him before but he didn’t get healed. As we prayed for him, our leader and Oleg kept getting words and told him how they feel he has issues with his son and it’s caused from a not so great one with his father. There was more detail to that, but as he was told them, we could tell he was paying more attention to us when he took off his sunglasses and looked at us. He told us how he just found out he had a son for 18 years he didn’t know about until now and that he was going to visit his dad whom he didn’t see for 40 years. Then he talked about how he was praying for signs from God if he existed. It was great knowing we planted a seed in him.

That night, Sean Smith spoke. He also spoke Friday morning. It was great seeing Brandon and Brittany Smith there as well. Sean spoke about how we should know our spiritual identity and how it’s a big problem that many people have no idea who they are. He also talked about how we should not be afraid to stand up. Friday morning he talked about how there is nothing that could ever take the place of the Holy Spirit in the church and 75% of our generation experience supernatural in the wrong ways. The enemy is stealing from us what God created us to represent. God wants His people to have an encounter which is meant to equip them. He wants us to be blown away. Sean then asked if we are being led by intellect or the spirit. He talked about how doubt neutralizes our faith because we tend to rationalize things. The greatest skill believers can have is being able to be in the presence of God. Sean talked about how a Christianity that only affects the surface is ineffective. The point in seeing something in the Spirit is to seize it. The Israelites who left Egypt associated fear with God. We should not have to wait to receive.

During the Friday morning service, God’s presence was definitely felt. Everyone was filled with the Holy Spirit, and some people received tongues for the first time. I felt wrecked by God, but I express it by laughing. It wasn’t that I wanted to laugh; I just couldn’t control laughter coming out of me. I also fell on my knees, then fell to the ground and couldn’t get up. I haven’t felt the Spirit so strongly in a while. I also hadn’t spoke in tongues in a while. It was an amazing service.

When I went to the Words of Knowledge workshop with Jerry Niswander, he talked about when you get words of knowledge and gave examples.
1.You will be able to feel the Holy Spirit
2.Seeing things/visions
3.You can read it
4.An impression/thought will come into mind
5.Words of knowledge can come through speaking/conversation
6.Have a dream or vision

Then I went to the Moral Revolution workshop by Kris Vallotton. He talked a bunch about purity stuff. He was definitely an awesome speaker, and I learned a lot from it. He also talked about how the modern church tends to show sex as a bad thing when God created it for us to be a good thing. It’s just that we need to learn to manage it and save it for marriage. He talked about how we should make our stances earlier instead of by circumstances. If you aren’t sure you are going to lose your virginity before marriage, chances are you will. You need to make the stance and say yes to keep it if you want to. Guys need to have plans and to protect girls. Marriage is “I give myself to you” while co-habitation is “I’m here to get as much as I can”. Co-habitation is more out of fear.

Friday night service, Cindy Jacobs spoke. By that time, I was so exhausted I kept dozing off and didn’t really pay attention. All I got from it is “Where is the Justice League” and God has been waiting for a generation to be super heroes. She talked about how Christians need to stop being relevant to the culture, and it should be relevant to us. We need to have a foundation. Also, we should have “Not on my watch” in mind. She invited different nations to pray on stage. I definitely experienced the Holy Spirit that night.

After it ended, Wildfire started a fire tunnel. I was part of the fire tunnel and was waiting until everyone got through to go in line. The line was so long that security had to kick us out before I even got a chance to go through it. It was an amazing experience.

Saturday comes…I went into the healing service at Bethel in the morning. That was awesome, and I felt the Holy Spirit move there. Around 6, I decided to go to Taco Bell to get dinner. Alex had to go with me because I was his ride. When we got there, I noticed a homeless family sign with a lady and her son sitting on a sidewalk. We decided to get dinner for them, so we walked over and asked if they would like anything from Taco Bell. After Alex bought what they wanted, we went over and started talking to them. The mother’s name was Casey and her 10 year old son was DJ. They talked about how they had been homeless since March, and how her husband basically abandoned them and came back to still have issues. Her daughter was sleeping over at a friend’s house, and her oldest son was with the father. They lived at a hotel, but now they are locked out and can’t get their stuff until they pay for it. We listened about her hardships and how she wants to keep custody of her children while her mother-in-law is trying to take custody. A lot of people judge her as being a bad mother since she’s homeless, but we could tell she is trying her hardest to be there for her kids. We prayed for them a bit and ate with them. We also noticed how some cars actually stop to give cash to them, and a girl even gave her a bag of burritos for later. Casey saved the burritos for her daughter because the daughter loves burritos but she doesn’t. Spending some time with them was definitely a highlight of this trip even though there’s no reason I have to. I enjoyed keeping them company although Casey and Alex did most of the talking.
Well, it has definitely been an awesome trip. I think I’m going to end with a quote Alex got from a book he’s reading now.

“Do you know what it means to be filled with God? It means you have no fear, for when you are filled with God, you are filled with love, and perfect love casts out fear.” –Smith Wigglesworth